I never go out. Really. I can count on one hand the times I've headed out on my own in the last 5 years. But then last night, I got invited to a party. Not just ANY party, mind you.... I asked if Mr. Norman could attend, and got the husband stay-away sign. Nope. Party for GIRLS ONLY, a PASSION PARTY.

Roughly translated, a bunch of us girls sit around drinking wine and looking at dildos.

Really.

So of course I went. But I brought my neighbor friend with me. No way was I gonna go alone to one of THESE shindigs. We had a great time. I laughed so hard at some of the items that at one point, I thought the hostess was going to ask me to leave. Which was fine. And I will have you know that the only thing I bought was a bottle of pheromone perfume which is supposed to drive my man into a frenzy. I didn't buy anything else designed to drive him into a frenzy because NO WAY was I spending $75 dollars on "a rabbit". (and no, it certainly wasn't a cute little fuzzy rabbit.)

At any rate, my neighbor was throwing back the vodkas when she got the bright idea to "price comparison" the items being shown at the party against the XXX place down the road. Sounded like a fine and adventurous idea to me, so off we went.

Now - being the good little wife that I am, I texted my husband at 10:30pm to let him know all was well, and I was having a fine time. He texted back: "OK". We communicate quite well, no?

Leaving the party, we managed to pick up a couple of other ladies that thought the idea of bargain hunting sounded swell. So now we had a group of 5 ladies, hopped up on vodka and wine. And we had a large time at the adult store. Those poor perverts never knew what hit them. We shopped, we had our catalogs out comparing products, we saw items NOT listed in the catalogs, and we saw items that burned our eyeballs. Which of course then prompted us to holler across the store: "OMIGOD YA'LL LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT'S BLAACK!!!"

Yeah. We were there an hour when we got asked to leave. So we strolled out into the parking lot and settled into our prospective vehicles then departed. Just in time to see 3 police cars rolling in. Yeah. We figured it was a fine time to leave. But then.... what I didn't know??? Was those cars were looking for ME.

See - apparently - my husband was unable to reach me on my cell phone, so he got the bright idea to track me using a GPS locator in my phone. The stupid GPS locator showed me as being at the end of the San Antonio Airport in a non-mobile spot for approximately one hour. At which point, he decided I'd been carjacked/killed/raped/all-of-the-above.

So he called the police, gave them the coordinates of my phone, then sat back and called my MOTHER.

Now, my mother has some brains. She drove over to my house (at 12:00 midnight), calmed down my husband, and then called me on my cell phone.

Of course, I picked up right away. Scared, of course, because why is my mother calling me at midnight? And why do I hear my panicked husband in the background? And hey!! Look at that ! The cops are floodlighting everyone in the parking lot at the adult store!!!

Once my mother reached me, she informed me that half the town of San Antonio was searching for me. "Ummmmm....why?" "Because your husband couldn't get you on the phone, so he was very worried." "Mom, this is the first time my phone has rung tonight" At this point, my neighbor was poking me and asking if our kids were okay (our kids are the same age and play together" Nodding that everything was fine, we headed off towards home. While driving, I asked for my husband to be put back on the phone. Poor man was almost in tears. Seems he was dialing the wrong number for me, and for whatever reason , he couldn't get through to my neighbor's cell phone. So he panicked. And called out the calvary. And my mom.

So in a nutshell - I do not think I will be going out for girls night out anymore for a long time. It scares Mr. Norman too much.............and just for that - I'm not going to use any of my brand new pheromone perfume near him. My only regret about last night though, is that I didn't get to see how many people freaked out when the police showed up looking for me....

I do want to add one disclaimer to the above story: Not one part has been embellished for story's sake.

oh yeah, and I forgot to add that at 3:00am this morning the police were knocking on the door to ensure that I was home. THEN I had to go downstairs and prove to the police that I had not been beaten by my husband and was in fact....really alive and not laying in the airport runway by showing myself to them.

never forgiving mr. norman for being uptight.....NEVER. But kudos to the SAPD for following up on an errant wife, and as much as I hate to say it: Kudos to Mr. Norman for worrying about his little wifey-poo.

YAAAAY!!!! That means my kids haven't killed me yet!



BOOOOO!!! That means I'm one year closer to 40.


*******************************************************

Apparently, Alzheimer's is already setting in. I got up this morning, made my birthday note above, then trucked on in to work. I signed into my computer, and checked my schedule for today.

i got nuttin

I checked tomorrow's schedule....

nuttin again

So I checked the vay-cay schedule.

i got sumtin

I'm off TODAY and TOMORROW. And I didn't know it. So after all my coworkers laughed at me, I went home.

BONUS BIRTHDAY TIME OFF!!!!!


***************************************************
oh and please note, because Freak Magnet bitched about her placement in my blogroll, I have moved her to the numero uno position....AND i bolded her name, so that's more than she's done for me. She only has me as #1 on her blog roll, but MY link isn't bolded. So NYAH fm, don't say I never did anything for you!

i almost missed it!

It's my BLOGIVERSARY!

3 years ago today I am Norman was born.

'course, for the last year, it's been nothing but pure drivel. BUT HELL!

I'm still in shock that I've stuck with something for 3 years (aside from Mr. Norman that is)

So, all you die-hard Norman Groupies (all 2 of you), should remember that in 3 days I'll expect happy birthday's from both of you because the world revolves around me.

This post is being written as the drama unfolds.

I'm sitting inside. My husband just ran outside to see what the dog is wildly barking about. As he ran outside, I smelt the strong smell of SKUNK. Rather than run back inside, my husband skittered back inside, grabbed a flashlight, yelled "SKUNK" (ya think?) and ran back out.

About 5 minutes ago, I heard the dog and my husband both yelp, and now I hear the hose running.

I'm thinking my husband will be sleeping outside tonight.

If so, I think Viagra should use him as their #1 poster guy.

I'm NEVER at the right place at the right time!!!!!

NORMAN'S DAMMIT

This little missed opportunity is about 5 miles from where I live. But nooooOOOoooOOoo, I had to go to work like a good little citizen and WORK for my money.

I'll tell ya what though, if I'd have seen this, I would have been throwing elbows in the faces of the other motorists as I collected my windfall.

And in other news,

I was watching the late night news. It appears as if San Antonio is going to start water rationing soon because of lack of rain. Part of the news broadcast involved posting the top users of water in our community. Of course, Fiesta Texas was one of the top consumers...mainly because they have a water park. I was really surprised that SeaWorld was no where on the top ten users. But that's not what I found so funny. The first list was BUSINESSES that used the most water in the city. The SECOND list was individuals.

The #7 top consumer in the city of San Antonio? Tommy Lee Jones. BWAAAHAHAHAHA!!! I could just imagine him sitting at home with his feet up...remote in hand... yelling: "DAMMIT!"

and I bet he's also kicking himself that he didn't get to Loop 410 today to pick up some free cash...