I am Norman

Jesus!!!!

2010-08-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

So this actually happened a couple of months ago, and I shared it on my facebook account, but I wanted to go less than a year between posts so I thought I'd share....

Tonight, Avery and I were looking at pictures on the computer, when she heard a tree branch hit the window next to us. At least... I knew it was a tree branch. SHE didn't know what it was. "What was that!?" she gasped. "What was what?" I said (although, I really knew what the noise was, I was just trying to freak her out)

With big round eyes, she leaned forward and excitedly whispered, "Was it the LordmyGod?!"

I started laughing.

"No Mommy! I think it was the LordmyGod because teacher said he'd come back and we need to let him into our hearts and homes!"

and with that she ran to the door to fling it open.

But our neighbor was there instead with his hand raised to knock on the door. He's here to take Chad to the bar for some game they're going to watch.

I'm guessing he's not Jesus.

Haaaaalllllllllllloooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-13T19:37:00.001-07:00

Dude.

it's been a year? A YEAR? I haven't posted in a YEAR? WTF is wrong with me?!

So...not too sure who is still out there in bloggerland since I made the jump to that addictive hellhole they call FaceBook, but hey - I'm alive.

I'm reluctant to cancel this blog or delete it. I was just going thru some of my old posts and had to wipe a tear.. *sniff sniff*

So I'm posting. :) YAY!!

Not too much has happened in the last year. I'm still working at the acronymed insurance company...they haven't fired me yet! That earns a big ol' WOOT!

I'm a little bit scared of the upcoming weekend, Ashton has decided that she will be having a slumber party and invited 10 girls.

Let me repeat that: 10 girls.

Of course, she didn't clear this with me yet. So now she's walking around all mopey-like because I had something she called a conniption. Or however you spell it.. She'll deal with it...

But at anyrate, I did tell her she had to whittle that list down to something a little more manageable and she trimmed it from 10 to 9. Nice.

So maybe I'll have a workable post here in the next couple of days.

If not - I'll tell you guys my scorpion story :)

PAIX!

PEEK A BOO!!!

2009-05-06T20:47:00.001-07:00

****waves frantically*****

HI EVERYONE!!

*****waving****
***waving****

but....

got nuttin' to say

obviously.

Except - I'm trying to learn Spanish using Rosetta Stone.

Apparently - I no habla very well. I think I'm pissing off the computer voice with my pronunciation.

Hopefully he'll get over it.

Like i said............i got nuttin'

useful tool, eh?

2009-03-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

So the black tongue thing has its uses.

Oh sure. The color actually did fade away like the website said it would, but in the meantime I had a great time screwing with my kid's head's.

I told Avery that if she didn't listen to me, I would turn into a monster. To prove it, I showed her my tongue.

Freaked
her
right
out.

So now, all I have to do if the child misbehaves is pop a pepto and presto! Instant behavior modification!

Simply awesome.

ewwwwwwww

2009-02-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

So "Anonymous" is making me blog because they (he??? she??? heshe??) said they miss me.

Wanna know what yer missing?

Black tongue

Oh yeah. Yummy

This morning, I was brushing my teeth. I stuck out my tongue & was instantly transfixed/horrified/disgusted by a seemingly black growth roosting on my tongue.

Initiate screaming freakout right here

I flew down the stairs shrieking for my husband. He came running up the stairs and crashed into me in my headlong flight downstairs.

"What's wrong!? What happened!?" he yelled
"OHMIGODOMIGOD LOOKATMYTONGUE !!! LOO AH MAH TONNNN!!!! " I screeched back, simultaneously jammed it out of my mouth for him to observe.

Theoretically - I was hoping he would comfort me and offer some insight as to what the hell was going on.

Instead - he freaked out as well.

Which didn't help matters.

So I did another lap around the house and ended back upstairs clutching a bottle of clorox. Just as I was about to gargle STRAIGHT BLEACH (well...maybe not really, but you get the idea), he came pounding back upstairs and demanded to know if I had taken Pepto Bismol lately.

well....yeah.... I took some last night due to the incessant heartburn my job is causing me. I popped two of the tablets last night & went straight to bed.

APPARENTLY, this is a side effect of which I had NEVER heard of, and had definitely NEVER experienced.

How can such a pretty color tablet make such a nasty color on my tongue? But apparently that is what the cause is, and I'm stuck with a black tongue for the next 2-3 days. If the color doesn't fade, I'm to call a doctor.

Which was good information to know, since I then didn't have to gargle with clorox.

See what you're missing?

A little PSA from Norman

2009-01-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

Hey !

So APPARENTLY...someone is running up charges on my debit card. Luckily - my bank put a fraud stop on my card, but all day today - I saw different charges come in for products & services that I did not ask for.

They are signing me up for the coolest things though...things like iTunes, Netflix, AARP (?? a geriatric thief?)... Proactiv ( a geriatric thief with ACNE??)

Thankfully - I've already been signed up for a pre-paid identity theft service which had better pull through for me or I'll be mightly pissed....

but honestly kids - check your spam filters & monitor emails that say: "We've received your order" or "We received your request for an account".

While most of those are phishing scams, this one was actually true because I noticed it had my whole name & my old address listed on it.

The bank is working on this like a champ though, and I've already started a claim with them. It is pretty scary though. When I checked my email tonight, I had 4 different emails from different companies saying "We sorry we couldn't process your request for Proactiv because your card has been declined " (aaaawwww...so sorry my pimple popping thief will be declined their monthly ration of Proactiv)

But just a little PSA, pay close attention to your emails and your bank charges. If you can check your debit charges online, do it frequently.... So far - they've only made off with about $200, and my bank will give it back to me... but they did say they've seen a huge increase in this within the last few months.

So Beware!!!

(p.s. Maybe it's the woman I wouldn't put into an SUV? But just to be mean I DID go back and approve her for a minivan...MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!)

it's time for that southern trip in the handbasket again

2009-01-23T16:42:00.001-08:00

Irk.

I'm not thrilled with my job. But right now I feel locked into it because of the stupid economy. I'm hearing horror stories left and right about people being out of a job, so I am feeling guilty that I'm not happy with my job when I at least HAVE one.

It's bad out there. I know this also from some of the calls I'm getting at work. People are desperate...and they are trashing their cars in the hope of getting some quick cash to help them out. It's called the "Auto Lotto".

And if they aren't trashing their cars to collect on insurance payouts, the people they get into accidents with are really pushing to collect as much as they can from the insurance companies. Which makes them mean and pushy when they talk to me. Which makes me feel mean when I have to deny something that we don't owe for.

Some of their requests are quite ridiculous. Some of the requests are understandable, but again, when I have to tell them that I understand their request, but I still can't fulfill it, they get downright nasty and personal in their attacks.

Take for instance, a call I just took today:

It's a person that was hit by our insured. We've told them we're sorry, and we're paying for the damages. We also arranged for a rental car for them. Well.... it's not good enough. Her argument is, I drive an SUV, you should put me in a rental SUV.

OK. I understand that, but we only owe for RELIABLE transportation to get them from point A to point B while their normal vehicle is being repaired.

Trying to explain this to the person infuriated them. She then informed me that she has a 4 month old infant, and can't carry the baby in a car. Just can't be done. Therefore - she needs an SUV. Well - sorry...but yes you CAN transport a baby in a car, and it's perfectly safe. Nope....says she.... stroller won't fit in the car.

So I inform her she should collapse the stroller before putting it in the trunk of the rental CAR and it will work just fine.

This is unacceptable. She then told me it's obvious I don't have children, otherwise I would put her in an SUV.

On the contrary, says I..... I have 3 children, one of which is in a car seat. We drive an Accord.

Obviously, says she... I don't care about my children and their safety if I feel comfortable traveling them around in a deathtrap car.

OH NO YOU DI'INT!!!!!

So...just TRY and get a frickin' SUV out of me now chicky! It ain't happening.

But the calls that are worrying me the most? The repair shops that are calling and saying: "We fixed your insured's car, and now they are telling us they can't afford the deductibles. They are just leaving them here....abandoning them."

Yikes.

Scary stuff.

So yeah. I hate my job. Unless someone can give me an idea about something different I can do, I'm just gonna suck it up until I get hatcheted from there...but sheesh. The peeps are bringing me down with their mean and nasty attitudes and treating me like crap.

InARRRRGHHHHural Overload

2009-01-20T18:59:00.000-08:00

OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Call me short on patience but I'm already frickin tired of hearing about the GD inauguration of Barry O.

Really.

I understand it's historic. But enuff.

OK?

Here's another new hot topic for the 'nets:

I have an ingrown toenail and it ows me so.

Jesus People

2009-01-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

"Norman," said my boss "I need you to help out Michael since he's not here today. He's got a couple of hot files that need immediate attention."

"Sure," I said. Michael's pretty cool and sits next to me. He's helped me out a time or two, so I figured I'd return the favor.

My boss passed on the phone number for me to call, and gave me a little background into the situation.

Apparently, a teen driver was driving down the road at approximately 7:00pm on a rainy, foggy night. He was driving without his headlights on. Another driver, trying to make a turn across the street, didn't see him & turned into our driver. The argument began after the driver making the turn gave his statement to us. Seems there was a police officer that was an eyewitness to the accident, and sent in a police report showing that he saw our driver heading down the street without lights. The officer flashed his lights at our driver and then watched him continue on down the street without turning on his lights. The other driver also has several witnesses that state....our driver never turned on his lights.

Our driver was initially MIA. He would refuse to return our calls so we could get his statement. As I was reading the notes in the file, all I could see was that the only information on the situation we were getting was from his mother....who wasn't there, ergo...never saw the accident unfold.

So I called the mom. I informed her that without her son's (the driver's) recorded statement, we would be forced to accept the other driver's statement and the police report as fact and make our liability decision against them. The problem is: our driver carries liability only on his policy so he's pretty desperate to get his car fixed. He's pretty much SOL.

While talking with the mom, the fun began.

"Ma'am. I need to visit with your son." "Well....he's at school and then he's at work until 9pm, can't you just talk to me?" "No, we really need to ask your son a few questions, otherwise, we'll just accept the officer's report as fact."

"No! You can't do that! The officer was lying! Why was he lying about this?! We're Christians. This can't happen to Christians!"

"Well, ma'am, I don't see where the officer would have a motive in lying. He says he saw your son driving without lights and that he tried to warn him. It sounds to me as if the officer was doing the Christian thing by letting your son know there was a problem."

"Oh no. The officer must be a heathen if he's writing THAT on his report." "Well, that's all well and good but I still do really need to talk with your son. You weren't at the accident and we have an officer's report AND eyewitness statements as well."

"The eyewitnesses are lying too! They must hate us because we're Christians. They're all HEATHENS!!!! Look, we have pictures of our car. My other son took them, can I send them to you?"

"Sure! Send them in"
"But I don't know how. Can I have my other son send them in?"
"Of course, he's my email address...."

So Mrs. Jesus Freak calls to her son... "Matttttthewwww!!!!! Matthew come here! I need you to help me email photos! Matttheww!!! Please? ! Do it for your brother! Do it for GOD!!!!!!"

(from in the background, I hear: "FUCK OFF!")

Mrs. Jesus Freak talks into the phone again... "I'm sorry, he's upstairs worshipping. He plays the guitar in Christian band. We love God..."

"Maattthewww pleaaaase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I neeeeeed youuuuu!!!"

So then the brother got on the phone, and butter wouldn't melt in his mouth:

"Hi. Would you please help my brother? It shouldn't matter that his headlights weren't on, the other driver should have seen him coming."

"Ummm....okay....why do you think the other driver should have seen him coming?"

"Because my brother is a Christian!"

"Oh. Well look, I explained this to your mother but I really need to talk with your brother about this. Would you just send the photos of his car to me?"

"Sure. Hey! Did you want to TALK with my brother?"

"Of course! But your mother said he was unavail-----"

"Oh no! He's standing right here!"

((puts the phone down and says: "Joshua..Joshua...come here...this lady wants to talk to you" Phone picks up again, and "joshua" talks, sounding strangly like "Matthew"))

"Hello?"

"Hi Joshua. I need to get a statement from you about the accident."

"Of course. Here's what happened" he launches into a story about how he saw the officer flash his lights and then immediately turns on his lights, stating the accident occurred about 30 seconds after his lights were turned on.

I finally got a statement from him and he passed the phone back to his mother.

"Hi. Sorry but we are going to have to accept the liability on this. We have witnesses, officer's reports and the impact points on the car clearly show your son is at fault on this."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to PRAY about your decision. You need to PRAY to see the error of your ways! It's the CHRISTIAN THING TO DO!"

"excuse me ma'am, but praying isn't going to change my decision. You should pray to God for guidance on how to accept the facts."

"what? what did you just say to me? "

"I said you should pray to God for guid----

"I heard you! How dare you say that to me! I'm a Christian! I know how to pray to God and I know what He tells me! And he's telling me you're a HEATHEN just like everyone else out there! You'll go to hell for this!"

"Are you judging me? Because you shouldn't judge people...."

So she hung up.

I walked over to my manager, who APPARENTLY was listening into the whole conversation at her desk by tapping into my phone line. (Insurance companies like to do this to their employees. it's called "Quality Control")
She was on the floor laughing at me.

I told her if she ever....EVER gave me Jesus People again...we were through.

Of course, this just made her go further into hysterics. She raised a finger, pointed it at me and told me not to be a heathen.

Ya. Funny.

And my coworker? He's not back at work yet. I'm gonna kick his ass when he gets back.

See? That's how I spend my day.

I survived the In-Law Visit!

2009-01-02T10:03:00.000-08:00

Well, you guys know I don't particularly care to visit my in-laws. They are just simply not very nice to me.

it goes way back

But I can honestly say they tried to be better this time. Only my husband's grandmother pissed me off this time.

What did she do, you wonder?

Let's see: SHE SOLD MY ANTIQUE DRESSER IN A GARAGE SALE FOR $25!!!!!

****initiate slow burn here*******

OK. So when we moved, we had a lot of stuff that got left up in Amarillo. We had it in a storage unit, that my husband gave the key to his parents, so they could keep an eye on it. The antique dresser in question, needed to be refinished. When I bought it, it was painted. So since it was already painted, I painted it again & threw it in Ashton's room. Now she has a new bedroom set, so I figured I could strip it, stain it, and place it in the living room to use. Neat idea, huh? It's about 100 years old. I knew it probably looked great under the paint.

So anyway, the grandmother told us that SHE would strip it for us. I told her that I could do it, but NOOOoOOOooooOOOOoooooooo....she wants to feel USEFUL. So fine, strip the sumbitch please.

She got halfway thru stripping it, and decided she was tired. So she stuck it in a garage sale & got $25.

*******************HATING HER RIGHT NOW************************

When she told me about it, she told me ever so sweetly that she "had something to get off her chest" and then told me I didn't want the dresser anyway.

nice.

I'm just going to crawl back into my hole and be bitter for awhile.

but hey! if anyone wants to look me up on facebook, just do the friendfinder with my email itsnorman@gmail.com

That oughta show you where I am! But remember, mum's the word about my griping about the fam on there since "they" can see it on facebook. :)

MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS!

2008-12-26T18:54:00.000-08:00

Hey Kids!

How's everyone been? Still reading this blog? You are? Why?! I'm never on here!

I've jumped to facebook!

But, honestly, I don't want to get rid of this blog. It's sentimental for me. Or something.

Anyway, I know I've promised this before, but I'm really really really going to start being more faithful about posting on here. Maybe more people will start reading it again then!

So for the last two years (since I started being so sporadic with my posting), things have been going pretty good.

No evil hauntings in this house, which is pretty cool because that means I'm NOT insane! I was totally thinking I was losing it by hallucinating or something about ghosts in my house. Since there are no bad feelings here, obviously it means that it was the HOUSE in Amarillo and not ME! Therefore I'm not insane....but on the bad note, it means I have no entertaining stories about me getting the crap scared out of me to share with you anymore. Sorry.

So as for the below picture. A couple of you asked questions about it. I'm not the photographer, it just came to me in an email and cracked me up.

I sure as hell don't know what that thing is walking around, so I can't clear that up for you!

We're squeaking thru the economy troubles here in San Antonio. I still have a job, which is a good thing, and my husband still has a job (again - a good thing), although - he had to take a pay cut when they turned his work week into a 4 day week instead of a 5 day week. Stupid economy. Hopefully it's temporary and I won't be setting up a paypal account begging for pennies anytime soon.

The kids came thru Christmas this year like champs. No complaining about things they DIDN'T get, only excited about all the loot they pulled in.

And ya'll wondered why I don't blog anymore..... it's because I'm BORING!

But I'll tell you what... I'll start sharing some of my more fun phone calls with you guys if you kids are up for it.

First however, I have to pack & head up to the in-laws to visit for the next 4 days.

shit.

WTF?

2008-11-25T19:50:00.000-08:00

Thought for the day

2008-10-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

A CROWDED ELEVATOR SMELLS

DIFFERENT TO MIDGETS

well? what's the best look?

2008-10-05T16:25:00.001-07:00

poor baby

2008-10-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

I was at work, when I got a call from the school nurse. Five minutes later, I was running from the building on the way to pick up Ethan.

Did he have a fever? no
Did he suffer some horrible playground incident? no
Did he have a disgusting growth swelling around his tooth? yes

Bleargh

Two days prior to me running from work, he told me his tooth hurt. I checked his mouth, and *thought* it looked a little puffy, but handed him some floss - because they child had just noshed an entire bag of popcorn, and I figured he had a pesky popcorn husk wedged in there. He never mentioned another word about it until he went to the nurse.

So I ran into the office at the school, and there he was...looking miserable. We went to the dentist to get the news: His tooth...is...abscessed....

WHA??????????? How does a 6 year old get an abscessed tooth!?

The dentist gave us some antibiotics to help with the infection - but they couldn't see too much about what had happened. The x-rays clearly showed a bad tooth, but the problem was even boggling them. All his teeth were perfect. They were so clean - you could EAT off them (har har).

We went with the medicine and 1 week later, we were back at the dentist once the swelling had gone done, and Ethan was loopy from some kid drugs they gave him to make him not care that they were gonna jam a needle in his mouth and drill out his tooth. They told me if this "pulpotomy" didn't take, they were just going to have to yank the tooth (!!!!!!!!!!!)

MY POOR BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But the procedure went great, and they were finally able to tell what happened to his little tooth. Apparently, he broke it on something, and since it wasn't easy to see, we never noticed. Cavity central set in.

Now he has a stainless steel tooth near the front of his mouth. He loves talking like a pirate now, and some of his friends are calling him Cyborg Ethan.

And that was my excitement for the week.

the chunky munkey is tasting pretty funky

2008-09-23T19:25:00.001-07:00

Chunky Munkey. Ben & Jerry's. Gotta love it.

But not if they decide to humor THIS SUGGESTION.

Human Breast Milk?! In my FOOD? blaaaaaah!!!!! And PETA says it's horrible dairy conditions for cows.

Seriously. Imagine if Ben & Jerry's really did go for this idea. Can you imagine the new dairy farms that would have to go into production to keep up with the supply needed for Phish Food?! Wow! The visual is ASTOUNDING! I have this image of women sitting in individual stalls hooked up to the milking machines watching Oprah all day long with vacant expressions as they chew gum.

I don't think it's gonna happen.

Snippet!

I got an e-mail from the host of Blogtations. She used a quote of mine and made it into a youtube video along with some other funny quotes!

I'm FAMOUS! Here's a link to her awesome youtube creation. GO WATCH IT!

How did this happen, I wonder?

2008-09-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

Mind you....I'm not bitching (for once). But let me tell you, the scale is NOT my friend. I'm heavier than I'd like to be, I wish I was still the svelte 105 I weighed back in high school, but hey- that's all wishes and fishes or however that saying goes.

But 20 years and three kids later, I find a minor battle going on. I can honestly say that I really do look better than some 20-ish people out there, but I'm not happy with myself, if that makes sense.

About 3 months ago, I stepped on the scale and was horrified to see that I weighed what I did when I was 6 months pregnant with Ethan. So I haven't gotten on the scale since. Sinking into a depression, I did nothing to help myself. No yoga. No pilates, no jogging, no walking, no running, no dieting.... I'm mean - honestly, what's the point? If I can't lose weight trying to chase 3 small children, NOTHING is gonna work.

Yesterday, my mom told me she thought I was looking good, and two of my coworkers asked me last week where I worked out.

?????

What's up with that?

So this morning, I got on the scale.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am 10 pounds from my "happy weight" of 125. I was 20 away 3 months ago.

Suddenly, I feel like maybe I can rush it off by walking or jogging or yoga-ing (if i knew how to yoga).

My husband, relieved not to have to answer the "Do I look fat in this?" daily question, wants to buy the Wii Fit so we can play together and actually work out at the same time.

Now, I'm not complaining, but where did the weight go?

It's one of the reasons why I love her so.

2008-09-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

My 3 year old. A study in honesty. For the most part. Before I get to the funny part, let me give you some background.

I hate it when my husband takes a dump. (yes. for those of you with weak stomachs...yes... this IS a shit post). It's horrid, nasty, foul....it's beyond human comprehension to understand the stench. It's so bad that when we buy houses, I insist that one of the MUST HAVE features is a "man-bathroom". This is the bathroom into which he is allowed to dump. Because if he uses the others, they need to be cleaned with napalm. It's horrid. I'm not lying. I also submit that everytime he craps, it causes the toilet to clog. I don't think it's an issue of bad plumbing. I think it's an issue of the toilet refusing to accept what he made. I think the city sewer system seizes up when he settles down on the throne. That's how bad it is.

He thinks I'm exaggerating. I'm not. I've been married to him for 11 years. I pull no punches on how nasty his shit is. We go back and forth in little tiffs here and there about how unreasonable it is for me to insist he poops in the man-room only. I agree with him, it IS unreasonable, but it will remain my law.

We've pretty much settled into a routine now, where he is resigned to the fact that he is banished to the man-room to do his nasty business, and we've got a plunger parked in there for him to force feed the toilet when it gags. I do my part by not bitching about how nasty that bathroom smells.

So on to Avery.

She came flying down the stairs and announced that she had to pee. Bad. And she scampered off into the bathroom. Unknowingly -- or else I would have nabbed her-- my man had offloaded about an hour ago. When she flung herself into the bathroom, she was immediately flung backwards by an invisible wall of stink.

now

When a THREE year old is repelled by an odor - that oughta tell you how very bad it is. She wobbled into the living room and encountered my husband. "Daddy" she mumbled "whats that smell?" "Oh." he said, glancing my way... (i ducked my head to hide a smirk) "I guess I went potty."

"oh" said Avery

"Daddy? You sick?"

"No."

"Daddy, when you get big, how come the poopoo smells like that? It's yuck." and then....

she threw up.

I love her so.

Not because she threw up.

But because it made my husband realize that maybe, just maybe...his shit is nuclear.

SCORE!

A battle that has lasted 11 frickin' years has been chalked up to ME WINNING!

yessssssssssssssss....victory!!!!!!!!!

**ok. Explanation here. This is the best post I can punch out right now. I had to work all weekend long and pulled in 24 hours of overtime on saturday and sunday alone. I'm scheduled to work all week from 7am to 7pm to help out the people who are calling in claims for Hurricane Ike. I'm tired. And if I hear one more call from people whining that they have a frickin' DOOR DING on their Jag and they want to get it repaired before the HURRICANE people start blocking up the repair shops, I'm gonna scream. (and yes - that's an exact quote from one of our insureds who has absolutely NO COMPASSION for people who just lost their homes.) What an ass.

and you wonder why i'm always on the edge

2008-08-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

First, I'm looking back thru all my old posts, and I'm shocked....totally SHOCKED, that I never blogged about Fred.

No.. not Fred the Giant Spider (who we all figured out was really "Fredwina"), but FRED.

Fred is a giant centipede that made it into our house as a (gasp, splutter)... PET. Yup. And hey - giant spider, giant centipede, get used to it. We're in Texas and you know what they say about everything is bigger in Texas... (and right about now, my husband is nudging me to tell you about - ahem- other things that are bigger in Texas. Alas, I don't feel the need to stoke his ego right now, and it doesn't matter anyway so on with the story.

I never blogged about him! How could I have never blogged about him!? We've had him since mid-May. I know this because we tried to sell him at our garage sale but no one would buy him. Still.... damn. I can't believe I never blogged about him!

So, first - of course all you kids require PHOTOGRAPHIC evidence of how large this behemoth is. And please, don't go calling CNN about it, because no way do I want to be compared to the Sasquatch hunters that found Bigfoot and stuffed him in their freezer. Besides, this ain't no HOAX like those OTHER people did!

But lookee here:

He's not 11 inches long, he's closer to 8 inches, but he kept crawling up the ruler and wouldn't stop.

So proof? Ya'll believe me now about how big this son of a bitch is? OK!

We've had him since mid-May. Luckily, we know it's a boy centipede because we've not heard the pitter-patter of many feet from any unwanted offspring while he's been ours. His name will stay "Fred".

Fred lived in a terrarium in our pantry. He came to our house because Ashton and her friend came inside one rainy afternoon and told us there was "some centipede-looking thing" on our front porch. Turns out...he's a centipede. Fred was almost dead. Gripped in the throes of death because the Terminex guy had just come, my husband took pity on him and brought him inside. He then proceeded to nurse him back to health. Let me repeat that. "He nursed him back to health!". The kids thought Fred was the bomb, and became our newest pet. He had an awesome "EWWWW!" factor. But eventually, the cats clued in to our newest creepy crawly addition and took to watching Fred like minature crack-whores waiting for the rock to be passed to them. They also took to batting at the cage and I became afraid they would knock the terrarium over thus releasing the insect from hell.

Strangely enough, they DID knock the cage over, but that was about 2 weeks ago. Luckily - the cage fell over on it's top, trapping Fred under 2 inches of dirt of which he managed to dig out. Of course - the close call freaked me out and I began DEMANDING the release of Fred into the wild. My husband agreed and thereupon began "forgetting" everyday to complete the ONE TASK I had imposed upon him. Hate him sometimes.

And that brings us to Friday.

Friday, my husband & I left the house on a rare grown-ups night out. We had a perfectly enjoyable night of sushi & saki. Then we went home. My husband was first to notice that something was amiss.

"Uh....you're not going to believe this hunny, but I think Fred is out."

At this point, I found myself standing on the dining room table, calmly asking "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S OUT!?"

"Ummm....someone jacked with the cage and the top is loose and he's gone." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S GONE?! FIND HIM!" "Well it's kinda hard you know! He doesn't actually respond when you whistle!"

Oh for gawds sake. So we were never able to determine who released him, but Ethan was looking a mite guilty when the kids were queried the next morning. I did my best to install guilt in them by telling them that they MUST look at their shoes before they put them on in the mornings, and they MUST check in their beds before going to sleep at night (because I lost an entire night of sleep just knowing that THING was going to crawl on me). If mama can't sleep at night...ain't NO ONE gonna sleep at night!

By Sunday, Fred had still not been located, but the kids were on edge. Never reaching into crannies without hitting the sides of their toyboxes first, and ever so carefully shaking their shoes out before putting them on. On Sunday night, we came to the conclusion that the cats must have had a late night snack, due to the fact that Olivia was sporting a suspicious looking boo-boo on one fuzzy paw.

We began to sleep easier. The kids had their first day back to school, and we were having a nice kid-friendly dinner of hot dogs & fries and talking about their day. All the kids were at the table, and I was standing at the island in our kitchen asking them about their favorite part of school when Fred made an appearance.

I noticed him first. I think my immediate reaction was to suck in the longest breath of air while simultaneously going 'HUNH! HUNH! HUNH!' and trying to point. Running along the baseboards about 2 feet away from Ashton was Fred. She looked at me blankly while trying to figure out the charade I was pulling "What!?" she asked quizzically, "HUNH HUNH HUNH HUUUUUUUNHHH!!!! IT'S FREEEEEEEED!" I managed to wheeze out while successfully indicating his location.

Let
the
mayhem
ensue.

Poor Ashy. Her little head whipped to the right and she immediately spotted him. She unleashed a volley of screams that are STILL reverberating in my head, and managed to vault from a sitting position all the way to the living room in one bound.

Ethan, who suddenly became spring-loaded via his butt, popped up onto the kitchen table, bounded onto the island, sprung into the dining room and vanished up the stairs while wailing like a runaway locomotive.

Avery was strapped into her booster seat but STILL managed to climb over her chair (with the booster clamped to her ass) and over my husband while sobbing hysterically.

My husband was in the middle of the chaos yelling 'COOOOOL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' over all the screaming. (mine included)

None of us cooled it.

He managed to find a jar and capture the wayward critter. It's ever so ugly. But by God! I've never been so happy to see it in all my life! Now it's gone daddy gone. I had my man lug it out a good quarter mile away and release it to the wild where it can eat a stray cat or two.

And my kids? They are sleeping easily in beds that they didn't have to whap before settling down for the night.

I cannot believe that I have not blogged about Fred before now......

And my question would be:

2008-08-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Look at this picture. I just saw it on CNN:

The caption that accompanied it on CNN read: "A man stands in the road after a tree crashed on his vehicle in the Dominican Republic. "

So that brings me to my question: "Does everyone in the Dominican Republic drive around during hurricane conditions in their underwear?"

Thanks! That's all!

overheard, overseen

2008-08-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

I was poking around on my front porch yesterday morning, when I observed my neighbor's truck come screeching around the corner. If he could have been on two wheels turning the bend, he would have been. The fact that he was driving so fast was notable for a few reasons:

1) He's older than me. Much to old to be throwing in a demonstration of speed. Especially knowing my children love to run in the cul-de-sac....and HIS do too.

2) It was Saturday morning, early. What reason do you have to run around at top speed on Saturday morning?

3) It's a neighborhood. You don't haul ass unless you have a really good reason.

So of course, I figured he had to have a really good reason. I also have never seen him drive like this...something must REALLY be wrong.

Then my concerns were escalated when he laid on the horn and continued to blare his horn in front of his own house, screaming for his wife.

Sensing some early morning (8:30am) neighborhood drama, I sat down on my bench and watched. I mean - if we were closer friends, I would've gone over to see if everything was ok, but while I was pondering the thought of checking on their well-being, the neighbor's wife popped her head out of the door.

Not noticing his wife's head, the neighbor started alternating beeps with screaming her name: BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP CAAATHY!!!!! CAAAAAAAAAAATHY!!! BLEEEPPPP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP!!!! CAAAAATHYYYYYYYYY!!!

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! " She screeched, shoving her bloated feet into hot pink crocs "WHAT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!?!"

"Caaaaaaaaaaaathy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled. "GARAGE SALE!!! RIGHT DOWN THE STREET!!! HURRY! PEOPLE ARE ALREADY THERE AND HE'S GOT MILK JUGS!!!"

Cathy ran to his truck, jumped inside and they were off. Silence fell upon the street, broken only by the sound of his diesel as it rounded a far off corner up ahead.

...cue the banjos

Mr. Norman, the uptight dude....

2008-07-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

I never go out. Really. I can count on one hand the times I've headed out on my own in the last 5 years. But then last night, I got invited to a party. Not just ANY party, mind you.... I asked if Mr. Norman could attend, and got the husband stay-away sign. Nope. Party for GIRLS ONLY, a PASSION PARTY.

Roughly translated, a bunch of us girls sit around drinking wine and looking at dildos.

Really.

So of course I went. But I brought my neighbor friend with me. No way was I gonna go alone to one of THESE shindigs. We had a great time. I laughed so hard at some of the items that at one point, I thought the hostess was going to ask me to leave. Which was fine. And I will have you know that the only thing I bought was a bottle of pheromone perfume which is supposed to drive my man into a frenzy. I didn't buy anything else designed to drive him into a frenzy because NO WAY was I spending $75 dollars on "a rabbit". (and no, it certainly wasn't a cute little fuzzy rabbit.)

At any rate, my neighbor was throwing back the vodkas when she got the bright idea to "price comparison" the items being shown at the party against the XXX place down the road. Sounded like a fine and adventurous idea to me, so off we went.

Now - being the good little wife that I am, I texted my husband at 10:30pm to let him know all was well, and I was having a fine time. He texted back: "OK". We communicate quite well, no?

Leaving the party, we managed to pick up a couple of other ladies that thought the idea of bargain hunting sounded swell. So now we had a group of 5 ladies, hopped up on vodka and wine. And we had a large time at the adult store. Those poor perverts never knew what hit them. We shopped, we had our catalogs out comparing products, we saw items NOT listed in the catalogs, and we saw items that burned our eyeballs. Which of course then prompted us to holler across the store: "OMIGOD YA'LL LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT'S BLAACK!!!"

Yeah. We were there an hour when we got asked to leave. So we strolled out into the parking lot and settled into our prospective vehicles then departed. Just in time to see 3 police cars rolling in. Yeah. We figured it was a fine time to leave. But then.... what I didn't know??? Was those cars were looking for ME.

See - apparently - my husband was unable to reach me on my cell phone, so he got the bright idea to track me using a GPS locator in my phone. The stupid GPS locator showed me as being at the end of the San Antonio Airport in a non-mobile spot for approximately one hour. At which point, he decided I'd been carjacked/killed/raped/all-of-the-above.

So he called the police, gave them the coordinates of my phone, then sat back and called my MOTHER.

Now, my mother has some brains. She drove over to my house (at 12:00 midnight), calmed down my husband, and then called me on my cell phone.

Of course, I picked up right away. Scared, of course, because why is my mother calling me at midnight? And why do I hear my panicked husband in the background? And hey!! Look at that ! The cops are floodlighting everyone in the parking lot at the adult store!!!

Once my mother reached me, she informed me that half the town of San Antonio was searching for me. "Ummmmm....why?" "Because your husband couldn't get you on the phone, so he was very worried." "Mom, this is the first time my phone has rung tonight" At this point, my neighbor was poking me and asking if our kids were okay (our kids are the same age and play together" Nodding that everything was fine, we headed off towards home. While driving, I asked for my husband to be put back on the phone. Poor man was almost in tears. Seems he was dialing the wrong number for me, and for whatever reason , he couldn't get through to my neighbor's cell phone. So he panicked. And called out the calvary. And my mom.

So in a nutshell - I do not think I will be going out for girls night out anymore for a long time. It scares Mr. Norman too much.............and just for that - I'm not going to use any of my brand new pheromone perfume near him. My only regret about last night though, is that I didn't get to see how many people freaked out when the police showed up looking for me....

I do want to add one disclaimer to the above story: Not one part has been embellished for story's sake.

oh yeah, and I forgot to add that at 3:00am this morning the police were knocking on the door to ensure that I was home. THEN I had to go downstairs and prove to the police that I had not been beaten by my husband and was in fact....really alive and not laying in the airport runway by showing myself to them.

never forgiving mr. norman for being uptight.....NEVER. But kudos to the SAPD for following up on an errant wife, and as much as I hate to say it: Kudos to Mr. Norman for worrying about his little wifey-poo.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

2008-07-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

YAAAAY!!!! That means my kids haven't killed me yet!

BOOOOO!!! That means I'm one year closer to 40.

*******************************************************

Apparently, Alzheimer's is already setting in. I got up this morning, made my birthday note above, then trucked on in to work. I signed into my computer, and checked my schedule for today.

i got nuttin

I checked tomorrow's schedule....

nuttin again

So I checked the vay-cay schedule.

i got sumtin

I'm off TODAY and TOMORROW. And I didn't know it. So after all my coworkers laughed at me, I went home.

BONUS BIRTHDAY TIME OFF!!!!!

***************************************************
oh and please note, because Freak Magnet bitched about her placement in my blogroll, I have moved her to the numero uno position....AND i bolded her name, so that's more than she's done for me. She only has me as #1 on her blog roll, but MY link isn't bolded. So NYAH fm, don't say I never did anything for you!

OMG

2008-07-21T20:31:00.001-07:00

i almost missed it!

It's my BLOGIVERSARY!

3 years ago today I am Norman was born.

'course, for the last year, it's been nothing but pure drivel. BUT HELL!

I'm still in shock that I've stuck with something for 3 years (aside from Mr. Norman that is)

So, all you die-hard Norman Groupies (all 2 of you), should remember that in 3 days I'll expect happy birthday's from both of you because the world revolves around me.

There's trouble brewing

2008-07-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

This post is being written as the drama unfolds.

I'm sitting inside. My husband just ran outside to see what the dog is wildly barking about. As he ran outside, I smelt the strong smell of SKUNK. Rather than run back inside, my husband skittered back inside, grabbed a flashlight, yelled "SKUNK" (ya think?) and ran back out.

About 5 minutes ago, I heard the dog and my husband both yelp, and now I hear the hose running.

I'm thinking my husband will be sleeping outside tonight.

Unsupervised again, and yes,,, i screw something up...AGAIN

2008-07-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

Ah....yes. I did not learn my lesson right the first time. And apparently - neither did my husband.

He took off on a weekend jaunt foolishly leaving me with free time, and a credit card.

Silly
Silly
Man

And now! I have a home improvement project that has gone horribly awry. It involves a dining room wall where the color is SOOOOOO not what it was supposed to be. I was going for a soothing terra cotta color, and have ended up with Salmon Pink.

Apparently, natural light creates this optical illusion of pepto bismol beauty. Now if you squinch your eyes together, and turn the lights off and bend upside down - it truly is ... a burnished terra cotta. But not so much if your eyes are wide open (in shock).

So here's my master plan. When he gets home, I'm gonna tell him I LOVE IT. So when he bitch's about it, I can make HIM redo it.

EDIT ALERT!

I just saw this picture on CNN. Now...is it just me, or does this guy look like he's got a ginormous boner?

If so, I think Viagra should use him as their #1 poster guy.

DAMMIT!

2008-07-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm NEVER at the right place at the right time!!!!!

NORMAN'S DAMMIT

This little missed opportunity is about 5 miles from where I live. But nooooOOOoooOOoo, I had to go to work like a good little citizen and WORK for my money.

I'll tell ya what though, if I'd have seen this, I would have been throwing elbows in the faces of the other motorists as I collected my windfall.

And in other news,

I was watching the late night news. It appears as if San Antonio is going to start water rationing soon because of lack of rain. Part of the news broadcast involved posting the top users of water in our community. Of course, Fiesta Texas was one of the top consumers...mainly because they have a water park. I was really surprised that SeaWorld was no where on the top ten users. But that's not what I found so funny. The first list was BUSINESSES that used the most water in the city. The SECOND list was individuals.

The #7 top consumer in the city of San Antonio? Tommy Lee Jones. BWAAAHAHAHAHA!!! I could just imagine him sitting at home with his feet up...remote in hand... yelling: "DAMMIT!"

and I bet he's also kicking himself that he didn't get to Loop 410 today to pick up some free cash...

So where've I been?

2008-06-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

I know. I don't post as frequently as I used to. I used to post every single frickin' day.
But lately, you guys are lucky if I post twice a month. The truth is, I'm out. I'm out of things to say, I'm out of touch, I'm out of HUMOR. Or so I believe.

But actually, that's not true. I simply have a new hobby. For the past several months, I've been trolling YouTube, searching for all things "Japanese Game Show" or "Japanese Pranks" or even "Japanese Practical Jokes".

I'm hooked. These people are craZEE. For reals. Sometimes, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I don't know why I find this past time so engrossing...but in the interest of sharing, I'm posting one of my favs. You have GOT to watch this:

SILENT LIBRARY

Totally hysterical. Watch it...maybe I'll see while I watch it for the 68th time...

thanks!

2008-06-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

First -- thank you anonymous whoever you are for removing my fake profile from the dating site you set up.

I got really tired of explaining to lonely men that I'm not really into body surfing.

Apparently I was quite the ticket on that particular site judging from my chat requests. Heh.

SO !

I have a new post! (Can you hear the fanfare?!) It shall be a post about: "Buffets"

Yes. Buffets. Those fabby wonderlands of all-you-can-eat. I hate 'em. Don't get me wrong. I used to ADORE them. Where else could I bring my children and get food RIGHT AWAY and not worry about noise levels? Friggin' oasis for me. We could get in...eat..and leave!

But now, my love of buffets for the simplicity of dining is gone daddy gone. Here's the issue. My kids have gotten older. As they age, they have decided that they really do need to eat in order to survive. Gone are the days when my children could eat ONE PEA and subsist for the next three days, oblivious to my begging them to eat. Oh no. NOW, they listen to me and think: "Wow. I'm hungry...dude...smorgasbord"

Here's what happens now: We go to buffet. Buy in, and we all troop in and find a table. The first thing my husband does is vamoose to the food lines, leaving me with three hungry children (and a crop in the fields!! or is that four hungry children? I dunno, but I think he picked a fine time to leave me...) Anyway..he leaves. So now I have to manuever the lines with three children deciding what they want. Ashy - she's no problem. She grabs her plate, but the restaurants require children under 12 to be escorted by an adult, so I must monitor her progress. Ethan & Avery - I'm balancing their plates on my arms while filling them with the food they have deigned to select.

Finally, we make our way to the table so I can settle them in, glaring at my husband who is gnoshing his way thru something that looks slimey. (Chinese buffet... I don't ask). Now I get to get my food. I grab a plate, fill it with stuff and head back to the table, start to sit down, and Ethan pops up. He's turned into an eating machine in the last year. He's through. Wants another plate.

Sighing, I place my uneaten food down, and escort him back through the lines. We weave our way back through the crowds, and get to the table. My husband has eaten my food. "I figured it was getting cold and you'd want fresh stuff" he explains. Turning around, I head back to the line, only to be called back to the table by Avery. "Hungry mommy!" She wants more dim sum. And no, she won't just let me get her some...she has to GO, to see what else she wants. So off we go. I get her some more food, and manage to grab something for myself. Head back to the table and run into Ashton who wants seconds. I look over at my husband and ask him to take her through the line since he's getting up for his third plate (he ate my plate...remember?). Grudgingly (!!!!WTF??!!), he agrees and they move off. Two seconds late, Ashy is back in tears... "Mommy, Daddy told me to wait for him FIRST!!!!" ah geez. I tell her to wait a sec, and I'll take her instead. I manage to cram a few bites into my mouth before hubs comes back. Ashton, Ethan and I all go to the buffet because Ethan now wants egg drop soup just like Ashy. On my way there, a man is standing in front of the beef and broccoli. He tells me I must be hungry because this is my SIXTH trip, he's been watching! He's real proud of himself. I try to explain I haven't had anything at all, I'm feeding my kids, then figure...what the hell am I trying to please HIM for, and spill egg drop soup on his shoes on purpose. Fucker. Go count your own plates.

FINALLY get back to the table, eat HALF of the rice I dished into my plate, and watch my kids bounce impatiently for me to finish....

See? I hate buffets, and I also hate the people who count plates. You know what? I kinda think the plate counter might have tried to start up a chat with me on the date site...

Alright... who's the wise guy?

2008-06-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

Which one of youse wyseguys has posted my e-mail address and a profile of me on "an unnamed dating website"?

It was funny for the first couple of days, but I'm ready for you to take it down now.

And whoever said that I like to date "megamen"..hahahaa...

now take it down.

THANKS!

And on that note. Let's get ready for the "Awwww" moment of the day.

I was taking a walk with my son, when off in the distance, a lone balloon floated up into the sky. It was shiny and heart-shaped. My son, seeing it in floating in the air, pointed up at it and said "Oh Mommy! Look! Someone's sending the world a balloon to tell the world they love it!!"

Awwwwwww!!!!!

Now go take my damn profile down from the dating site. You know who you are.

Why?

2008-06-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

Why after so long do I still remember this man?

weird.

cuántos?

2008-05-31T15:23:00.001-07:00

Anyone who has given a garage sale in the state of Texas understands the meaning of the title of this post.

cuántos?

cuántos?

cuántos?

That's all I heard today. Foolishly, I thought it would be a great idea to EARN the money for season's passes to Fiesta Texas here in San Antonio rather than spend money we've saved. I started looking through my house and realized I have MORE than enough junk to trade in for 5 season passes. Besides, my neighbor is holding a garage sale and I decided to just tag along onto her sale.

Which pissed her off because she paid to advertise in the paper and essentially I was freeloading off her ad to profit.

Or something like that. At any rate. Rather than piss of yet another neighbor, I offered to pay for half of the advertising fee. So how much does it cost to buy a friend?? Apparently, you can pay my neighbor $15 to be nice to you. Anyway. We averted the possibility of being run out of the neighborhood on a rail. Honestly. If I get one more neighbor mad, I'm going to have the majority against me and we'll be booted.

Just for insurance though...halfway thru the day I popped over to their house with a bucket of margaritas and cemented my newly paid subscription-friendship with her.

So, let's talk about garage sale prices. I hate haggling. I know better than to have a garage sale because I'm a terrible negotiator. Here. Let me show you how I bargain:

Shopper: cuántos?
Me: $5
Shopper: 2 dollar
Me: $6
Shopper: eh? 3 dollar
Me: $7
Shopper: EH!! Loco lady! THREE DOLLAR!!!
Me: Get your $3 ass off my driveway....cuántos THAT!

Really. I know better than to have garage sales. I mean...is it REALLY that important to bargain me down to 10 cents from a quarter?

However, I did smarten up this year and made my 10 year old sit on the lawn with a big ol' ice chest of ice-cold drinks. Which she sold for $1 each. No bargaining allowed by the land crabs. The snot racked in $75 of which she will NOT return to me. So I made her pay me the amount I spent on the actual drinks ($12).

There was one person I'd like to talk about today. She haggled me on everything. I mean EVERYTHING. She had both arms full of adorable girls clothing, and tried to offer me $10. After much negotiating ( and yelling on my part), I finally agreed to a price of $30...(after I had careened up to $70). She handed me a stinking $100 bill and asked for change. I just glared at her, but finally turned to get her change. As I turned around, I SAW THAT BITCH SHOVE A COFFEE CUP IN HER PURSE. Rather than yell at her, I gave her change, and held back $5 extra dollars. She told me I shorted her $5. I told her she jacked a cup. So then she had the nerve to yank it out of her purse and tell me she bought it at a different garage sale.

Hello. I know that mug. It says "Mine" on the bottom. I handpainted it. So knowing she was busted, she placed it on the table and asked for her $5. I told her to get lost. At which point she threatened to call the cops because I stole HER five dollars.

About this time, my neighbor came over (thank God I gave them margaritas), and offered to walk her to her car....forcibly. So she left

But good god. If I hear : "Cuántos?" one more time today.... I'll scream.

And this is why I only hold garage sales once every 5 years.

an observation

2008-05-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

If my last name were "Boner"..... I would really rethink the army career decision.

Because it's really not cool when I have to talk to a person on the phone and call them "Major Boner"

and on that same note: If your last name is "Dick" Same observation....except please...PLEASE do not go into the Navy. Because then I have to call you Seaman Dick.

And please do not get upset when I address you as Private Burns. Because all I can think of is sending you some Blue Star Ointment. And I giggle uncontrollably.

Thanks for letting me share my traumatizing moments today.

Watch out CSI !!! Norman's got TOOLS!

2008-05-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

We are such bad pet owners. Well, not really..but yeah.. Poor Olivia. Our sweet fluffy kitty Olivia is now the screaming yowling temptress.

Oh yes. We've neglected to spay the sweet darling and now she's like a cheap hooker in a bar at closing time. She wants her some. And she has decided to show her dissatisfaction at not getting no satisfaction by PISSING in Ethan's closet. Now it smells horrid in his closet. And I've already shampooed that damn closet 3 times.

So off to PetSmart I went to find some sort of Noxious Odor B Gone. And I found it.
(Cue the heavenly chorus)...

An Ultraviolet Light. O yeaaaaah..... Apparently, this little gizmo will SHOW you where your fuzzy darling has stenched out the house...because once cat piss dries on a tan carpet - you won't find it. Not sure if it would work, but willing to fork over $19 anyway in a desperate attempt to avoid shelling out a bazillion dollars for carpet replacement, I bought the fucker. And went into Ethan's closet with said light in tow.

The damn thing works. I shut the light off, and two...TWO frickin' spots immediately jumped into view. HA! So I grabbed the bottle of Noxious Odor B Gone and completely saturated the spots. (as per the directions...) I think the stink is gone. But then the games began.

What else is in my carpet? I wondered. I began crawling around. Ick. Mental note to self: Rip out the frickin' carpet.

Then Norman's Husband ventured in. "What are you doing?" "Well...duh...I'm beaming an ultraviolet light on the floor..." "I can see that....but why?"

To get grossed out? "I don't know! I want to see the places I need to dump a gallon of bleach and light the carpet on fire! Look right here...see this spot? I think it's POOP!" "Oh yea... Avery had an accident. I thought I cleaned it up." "You thought??! Look right here! It's a POOP SPECK!!!"

and on and on the conversation went. Then Mr. Norman's Husband got the bright idea to beam our bed.

Ha. Perfectly clean. Spotless. So NOT a testiment to the studliness he thought he was going to show me. And then I flipped the sheet back.

'HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING IN HERE?! DAAAAAAAAMNN!!!!! "

Looks like a late night tonight while I wait for the sheets to dry.

Mr. Norman's Husband feels studly

Foot in Mouth Disease

2008-05-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

Things have calmed down here in suburbia between my neighbors and I....especially the next door neighbor. He is talking to me again, and neither of us mention smoking/pissing around each other.

So good ol' Norman manages to stick her foot in her mouth again. I think he's mad at me again. It was really an accident. Really. Here's the skinny...

I'm at WalMart....doing the grocery thing, when I run into him at the store. "Hi!" says he. "Hi!!", I reply, "What are you doing here?"

Sounds innocent, right?

Except.......

We're in the toilet paper aisle.

oops

SPOOOOOKY!

2008-04-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

Oh calm down.

It's not a ghost post. Although, I sorta miss my wee ghostie. Not.

But lately, someone's been pranking me. It's gotten to the point that we're about to make the phone company trace the calls. They call me only on my cell, and it involves a lot of heavy breathing. But not in a good way. Sort of like a cross between Darth Vader and Kermit the Frog after he's gone down on Miss Piggy one too many times (which is truly...one too many times.)

And it's sorta scary. I was telling my coworkers about the pranking, and saved one of the messages for them. They laughed at first, then they got freaked out. Really strange.

But hey!! Let's have some Mexican Language Lessons! Ready?

Your new Mexican word of the day: "Hootchie"

This is really a Mexican word! Observe:

"When my girlfriend found another girl's name in my phone, she said "You better tell me hootchie is asshole!"

Want another one? OK! Here: "Texas"

Used in a sentence? "My boyfriend, he texas me too much during the day"

One more? "Jupiter"

Sentence use: "Jupiter get to work pendejo. The supervisor is coming".

Bueno Bye!

Tell me you LUUUUURRRVE IT!

2008-04-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

psstt.

See this?

It's my new ride:

I just couldn't bring myself to buy a mini-van.. and this one was SCREAMING at me!

sadly though.. We must all bow our heads and bid adieu to the Yellow Submarine:

Good bye my yellow lovliness....I never had sex in you, but I loved you anyway...

Norman - 2: Neighbor's 0

2008-04-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

I'm guessing I won't be invited to any block parties anytime soon.

The neighbor that lives a few houses down from me is pretty pissed at me. I say: So What!?

So here's my open letter to my neighbor.

Dear Neighbor.

Yes I know you've lived here longer than me. I feel it is important that you recognize we live on a CUL DE SAC. And that CUL DE SAC is at the very end of a neighborhood that has a DEAD END STREET. This means we have NO THRU TRAFFIC.

As such, it is a safe area for the kids to play in the big large round part of the CUL DE SAC.

We've been here for 8 months. You've seen TONS of kids playing in the cul de sac. Not just my kiddos, but the rest of the neighborhood cul de sacs are full of rugrats too.

It's a safe bet to drive at a slow speed down the street because you know there are many many children around.

So the next time your teenage brat hauls ass around the corner and almost drives over my 6 year old, you can bet your ass I will be out there AGAIN reading your teen aged menace the riot act.

Simply saying "stay out of the road" doesn't cut it. Us grownups are standing there on the corner to watch for cars and to holler to the kids to move out of the way. When your speed demon ignores our waving arms and frantic screams, it's pretty much a given that I'm going to hop on her when she sashays out of her car as if she's done nothing wrong.

Shooting nasty looks at me and saying "watch out for the children dear" is not a good apology for almost killing my son.

Bitch. Next time my kids play ball out there, I'll tell them to aim for your windows...

Cheers!

Norman

Oh Yes I DID!

2008-04-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

I have a semi-secret to tell you. I smoke. It's a semi-secret because my children do not know. My reason? I don't want them to see me. Kids monkey their parents, and it's bad enough that my husband smokes in view of them. The reason I continue to dodge their eyes are because I also see them give him grief. Which is good. Sort of. I just don't want them to pick it up solely because we both do. And don't tell me the odds are stacked against them. I see too many smoking parent families where only one parent smokes and the kids are opposed to smoke.

But anyhooooooooo.... I digress.

We were out visiting with our neighbors, when our other neighbor finally decided to come over and introduce himself....after almost of year of living here. Little late, but hey - I'm game.

So he introduces himself to everyone, and looks at me and says within earshot of my kids, (and in a thick Asian accent), "Oh yes! I see you smoking by house!" Insert smug grin here.

To which I replied:

"And I see YOU pissing of your porch!"

Grin ... gone
Neighbor...gone (ran inside house)

I don't think I'll be invited to his next party.

Open Letter to the Weirdo on my Blog

2008-04-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Weirdo.

Yeah, I know I don't post as frequently as I used to. But please do not feel this is an invitation to usurp my blog and post your freaky-ass, crazy-man manifestos under the comments section of my site.

Really.

I'll give you this. You write exceptionally well for a delusional person. You actually kept my interest for about 5 minutes. But after reading for this amount of time, (and frankly, once you explained your position on how females are superior to males), I decided everything else was just glurge and rumbled on to create THIS post.

However - the questions that came to me after reading the ~~book~~ comment you left on an old post are these:

1. Exactly HOW much time do you have on your hands?

2. Does the institution KNOW you have jacked their 'puter ?

3. Do you really believe this stuff you wrote?

4. Do you have a concealed weapons permit?

5. How much crack do you smoke a day?

6. Are you aware that the above mentioned crack has already caused damage?

6. Do your friends run away when they see you coming?

7. Are you aware that I posted #6 twice?

8. Do you have a bazillion books of "Catcher in the Rye" stacked willy-nilly in your house?

9. Were you breast-fed? Until you went to high school?

10. How many times has someone tried to kill you in an attempt to "weed out the idiots?"

Phew! Wow!

That diatribe you posted sure left me with a lot of questions, but hey - I'm sure if I read longer on your ramble, I'll find more questions to have you answer.

Remember to control the weirdo population, consider sterilization. And don't forget your daily intake of MOAI inhibitors.

Mwah.

Norman

See? I just suck.

2008-03-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

I figured I was done here. So I was kind enough to sing you a song and turn off comments so that I wouldn't be accused of just trying to milk the comments cow. And then... of course... I feel like blogging again.

But probably not regularly. I don't take enough fiber for that.

Anyway... CELEBRATE WITH ME!

I took the entire week of spring break off from work. I avoided the many phone calls that were coming in from work. I figured this: I'm on vacation. Leave me the f*** alone.

Right? Wouldn't you say the same thing?

Going back to work on Monday sucked. I had had such a wonderful week playing stay-at-home mom, and really enjoying it. Got mad at my husband because I have to work just for insurance benefits. And had a badass easter egg hunt that ended with 8 dozen confetti eggs being smashed at my parents house, making it look like their backyard was the staging area for the upcoming San Antonio FIESTAS! Fun Times. I'll have pictures later (i know. i always promise that, but this time it's for reals)

So sitting at my desk Monday, I get a tap on my shoulder. It's one of the managers. He says "We've been trying to call you all week long!". "DUDE! I was on vacay!" (I'm so not respectful to the managers, I think this particular manager likes this about me). "Well ... yeah - we figured that out, but just we just wanted to know if you were serious about considering a future with the company." say what? This sounds like I've done something bad, and am about to be put on notice or something. I decided to tread carefully: "Well...DUH. I need a job... for benefits"

Which effectively ended the conversation (after I offered him cheezy poofs. This particular manager is a 45 year old South Park fan).

Anyway, about an hour later, I got a phone call. I was PROMOTED, with a 10 PERCENT RAISE!

YAAAAAY!!!!!

So I guess maybe next time I'll answer my phone on vacation.

:)

Normy

I'm not here, I've gone insane

2008-03-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

But have a Happy Easter anyway. And dance like no one's watching. Like the people below.

2008-03-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

Happy trails to you,

Until we meet again.

Happy trails to you,

Keep smilin' until then.

Who cares about the clouds when we'ere together?

Just sing a song, and bring the sunny weather.

Happy trails to you,

Til we meet again.

Solidarity

2008-03-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I don't have an explanation for why I feel the way I do. I just wake up some mornings, and whatever my feeling is at that moment, underlines the way I feel the entire day.

And sometimes, watching the news in the morning puts me in the mood for the day. Which is why I don't watch the news. I try to click it to the Disney Channel to get myself going. But this morning, I lost the remote.

Bicker Bicker Bicker, that's all that was on. Democrats vs. Republicans, Obama vs. Clinton...YUCK! I hate politics. It's why you never see a political preference on here from me. I like the candidate I like, I have my reasons why, and I don't try to cram MY opinion down everyone's throat. But still. The division bothers me. And it got me yearning for something.

Remember the days following 9/11? Everybody loved each other. Everybody joined together. Solidarity. I remember walking in the mall about a week after, seeing yet another replay of the hit, and realizing that if it hadn't have been for a meeting on that very day, at that very time..... I would have lost my brother. (Pentagon). I blinked back some tears, and a complete stranger walked by and put their arm around my shoulder. Solidarity.

Everyone was there for each other. Everyone was proud of their country. Everyone's favorite color was Flag.

And I miss that. I hate that it takes a tragedy of gargantuan magnitude to make everyone realize that we are all in this world together. I hate that some people feel that THEIR VIEW is the PROPER VIEW and strive to beat down others to make them see that point of view.

I hate that other people care what Britney Spears is doing instead of caring for their neighbor, or checking on an elderly neighbor.

I hate that. My wish for the day, is that whoever is reading this, will just go out & do a random act of kindness for someone -- and not expect anything in return.

Thank you.... that is all

Well....this is NEWS to me...

2008-03-03T17:19:00.000-08:00

Spanking Messes Up Sex Lives, Author Says Corporal Punishment Linked To Masochistic Sex

Read the above link. I'll wait...

back??

OK.

Wow. Just WOW.

So between the above headline, and THIS former blog entry, we can all reasonably assume that my children are truly messed up...huh?

And dammit. Now I need to call my mother & explain that NOW I know why I have an insane urge to step around the house in a slick plastic catsuit attempting to drip hot melted wax on my husband's nipples while beating him with a whip.

Holy Crap!

2008-02-24T07:24:00.001-08:00

I WON I WON I WON!!!!!!!

What did I win?!!!!

A Cruise! and a trip to HAWAII!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! So how did I do this you wonder? Simple. I subjected myself to the horrors of a timeshare pitch. What better way to spend my Saturday?

See, my husband got this postcard in the mail that told him he was GUARANTEED a major award. I thought for sure it was a lamp shaped like a leg in a fishnet stocking. But then the postcard went on to say that the major award was either: A Mercedes M-Class, a Porche Cayenne, a BMW Z3, or an all-inclusive cruise....or $500.
All we had to do was call the 800 # listed below on the card to claim it.

Of course, he threw the postcard away, silly man. Norman cannot pass up a challenge.

I dug the postcard out from the coffee grounds and called the number. The nice people on the phone told us that all we had to do was travel to a resort in the beautiful hill country of South Texas and listen to a one hour presentation. After that, we would receive our GUARANTEED PRIZE.

Well...huh. I can handle one hour of high pressure sales. After all - I sell Pampered Chef. I am teflon. I can deflect anything.

So we went. The day was beautiful, the lake was beautiful and the resort was packed with other people waving similar yellow postcards. I began to wonder exactly how many Mercedes they had stashed in the back.

Then the sales pitch began. Luckily, our sales guy was only 21, and very inexperienced. He didn't have the high presssure talk locked in. But he tried. Oh so very hard did he try. But...using my powers of redirect and questioning, I managed to find out that he had just come back from Iraq. First he told me about his time in Iraq and how happy he was to be home. I thanked him for his service and what he's done for our country. I think that knocked him off stride. He started to point out the LOVELY accommodations at the resort, and I asked him what his plans were now that he had left the military. Startled, he told me that him & his wife were planning on buying a house. "REALLY!?" I said, "That's great! Who do you have your insurance with?" (p.s. I already knew the answer, he's former military and I put two & two together). So of course, he named the company that I now work for and I began to question him about whether he's gone through our free financial advice center to help him plan for the house he's about to buy. I asked if he'd checked the website to see what offers he has on his account, especially since he's about to buy a house, he qualifies for a special rate and mostly, are his insurance rates at the minimum requirement or does he have a higher limit of liability?

He was very quiet. Then he asked me how he could find all this information. So we located a internet connection at the resort and I proceeded to tell him all about his specific insurance and the benefits he had available to him thru our company. By the time I was done with him, our alotted time was up, and he had increased his coverage with my employer.

I'm sure his head was spinning as he handed me my confirmation form that I had stayed at the resort for at least an hour and off I went to collect my Mercedes.

Only that's when found out they had LIED about the Mercedes!!!!! FUCKERS!

Basically, they handed me a lottery scratch off ticket. Told me to scratch off FIVE numbers and if I had five "pots of gold" I would win my dream car. So a-scratchin' I did go.

Not one single pot of gold. Shit. However - then they ran my scratches thru some prize interpretation grid and found out that I had actually won the TRIP!!! YAHOOOO!!!

So on my cruise, I can go to (my choice)... Coco Cay, Bahamas, Cozumel, MX, Ensenada, MX, Nassau, Bahamas, or Playa del Carmen, MX on board the Royal Carribean or Carnival Cruises.

THEN.... I had to select one more card out of a fish bowl, and pulled out a trip to HAWAII, ARUBA OR SAN JUAN. WOOT!

The only thing about the Hawaii trip is I have to pay my own airfare. The cruise, well - there's no airfare about it. The port of call is here in Texas only 3 hours away.

NORMAN'S GOIN' CRUISING!!

So now I'm ready to go to Vegas and listen to their timeshare pitch over there for free show tickets!

WOOT!

Happy Monday!

2008-02-18T07:10:00.001-08:00

Hey Guys!!! It's Monday and I'm at home!!! Woot!!! I love it when I have days off. So, let me tell you what my man got me for Valentine's Day.

I got this:

Purty, ain't it?

While I was wasting the day away in Jury Duty, I was plugged in listening to my favorite tunes, and even got to watch a movie. Good times. For jury duty that is. By the way...I got picked for jury duty. Which is fun. Except if you're the juror in traffic court. Which I was.

And let me tell you something else. If you ever get a traffic ticket in Texas, fight it in court with a jury. Wanna know why? Cause it's EASY to get out of it. A defendant does not have to provide proof that he is innocent. The state has to prove without reasonable doubt that the defendant was speeding. The defendant just has to stand there and say: "I didn't do it". We were all set to say "not guily" until the dimwit said this: "I was going over 60mph, but I know I wasn't doing 87mph". DOH!!! The guy should have read the charge better. We had to find that he wasn't speeding, they didn't list the exact miles that he was doing over the speed limit. Poor slob. So remember that.....denial denial denial.

But now listen. I have an ipod now. Ever since I have been doing this blog, I've seen people doing something called a "shuffle meme", which was kinda intriguing for me, but alas - I could never participate because I don't own an ipod. But now I do!!!! The way you do it, is you set your iPod to "shuffle playlist" and answer the questions below by hitting next song on your 'pod. The name of the song that pops up is the answer to the question. And you can't cheat if you don't like the song that comes up, you have to put the first one on there. Even if you HATE it. Sooooooo........Here's my shuffle meme, read !!!

How does the world see me?

We like to Party! - By the Vengaboys....

**Allright, so this is starting to pan out kinda weird for me. I'm sure a lot of you see me as a wild/crazy kinda chicka, really. although.....we just had some friends over for drinks......But Look!! Some of my husband's favorite songs are on my new 'pod. When I uploaded my playlist to it, some of my hubby's songs & Ashy's playlists morphed over onto mine. I have no control over the shuffle feature. Just a disclaimer for any future *weird* songs that might pop up. By the way... the Vengaboys is the Six Flags Theme Song with that weird bald guy doin' that hokey dance outside the bus...ya know it?

Will I have a happy life?

I'm too Sexy - Right Said Fred.

Urrrrm...... I think this was the song for the NEXT question (ya right!!!)

What do my friends really think of me?

Six Feet from the Edge - Creed.

Sooooooo....does this mean my friends think I'm "edgy"? Or suicidal?? WHAT??! omigod!! This meme will make me paranoid. You reckon it's true?

Do people secretly lust after me?

Are you gonna go my way - Lenny Kravitz.

Dude! I'm slutty!!!

How can I make myself happy?

How to save a life - The Fray.

Well. This one I can actually say is true. Because I love to help people. It truly does make me happy to be able to provide a solution to a problem that a friend is finding unsolveable. I only hope that a problem is never reached by any of my friends that I can't help with like the guy in this song is singing about.

Also - I was seriously hoping "I touch myself" by the DiVinyls did NOT shuffle thru on this question.

What should I do with my life?

Like a Prayer - Madonna

Heh. I guess I'm living my life on a wing & a prayer here?

Will I ever have children?

Guess that's why they call it the Blues - Elton John

Allright! Now this question was kind of a throwaway for me...we already KNOW I have kids. But this is funny. In my own little warped sense of humor funny to me only kind of way.

What is some good advice for me?

Days Go By - Dirty Vegas

See? This is another one of those songs off my husband's playlist. This is the theme song from one of those CAR commercials. He liked it, found it and downloaded it. Go find it. Play it. You'll recognize it - and probably buy a new car too....

How will I be remembered?

Tears in Heaven. - Eric Clapton

so this is kinda freaky. Also kind of offensive. Why would Heaven cry if I showed up? maaaan....

What is my signature dance song?

Cleanin' Out my Closet - Eminem

and the really funny thing here? Right now - you guys are tryin' your DAMNDEST to figure out my song style. From Eric Clapton to Eminem.....

What do I think my current theme song is?

Stay - Lisa Loeb

Yes!!! The dog order song!!!

What song will play at my funeral?

Just like a Pill - Pink

Well, now we all know my cause of death will be an overdose. Awesome. But for real -- I do know that I would love Green Day's "Time of your Life" played at my funeral. I don't care if I'm 80...I still love that song. And it really means everything I think in it. On to the next corny question!

What type of men do I like?

Walking on the Moon - Cas Haley

Apparently, I was supposed to marry Neil Armstrong. OH!!! Ashton saw a guy riding a bike on the highway.. She thought it was Neil Armstrong. (BWWWAAHAHAHAHAHAH)

What is my day going to be like?

She's always a woman to me - Billy Joel

AHHHHH!!! So good to know I won't sporadically grow a penis today!! I'll sleep well tonight...

Darling Nikki

2008-02-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

Knew a girl named Nikki
Guess you could say
She was a sex fiend.

Met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine!!

See what e-mail harrassment gets you on my blog?? A little ditty about ya sung by Prince.
Remember when that song was just so..so...scandalous?? Kinda like Nikki. Ah. Don't worry. She won't be pissed at me for poking fun at her. For proof...see #36 .

Anywho. Joking aside, Nicki was e-mailing me, checking in to make sure I was okay since I seem to be particularly NEGLECTFUL of this blog.

I agree. Especially since I've had so much blogable crap happening lately. Take for instance, that I fell down the stairs at my house the other day. It's amazing you know. Really. And before I go into the particulars, I do have a question for everyone.

Anybody want a cat? Or two cats? Any takers, just let me know.

Okay. So. Here's how it happened:

Ever since I ran the crazy woman off (see last post), I've come to believe that she is trying to kill me using some sort of weird elderly woman/witch karma mojo mambajamba crap.

Cause I don't fall down stairs. I mean, I'm not the most GRACEFUL of people, but I don't fall down stairs. Especially with two small children in a bathtub that require constant monitoring because Ethan keeps trying to make Avery sleep wit da fishies. I would give them baths independantly, but hell - I'm lazy, it's a waste of water, and they're little so they don't really care that they see each other in all their glory.

While making sure that Ethan didn't hold his sister down for yet another prolonged dunk, the phone rang. My man had taken my daughter and a friend to the 3-D Hannah Montana ~~price-gouging~~ movie, so it was just me and the merpeople. Thinking his brain might be melting because he was having to listen to 500 pre-pubescent girlies screaming to the lastest fad, I headed downstairs to grab the phone.

Which is when the two cats that are on my shit-list decided to kamikaze me. One ran between my feet, the other ran behind me and swear to God PUSHED. (I really think he did. Which is why I think the old witched left some hex-powder hanging around).

So down I went, merrily bouncing my head off the banister, and vaguely noticing my ass was trying to flip over my head led by my feet.

And the entire time? I was worried that I wouldn't be able to reach the phone to dial 911 when I broke my neck. After what took what felt like an eternity...I hit the bottom. And noticed two white objects skitter across the floor....small...tooth-shaped objects. SHIT!!! My Teeth! I flung my hand up to my mouth, and sliced the crap out of my cheek. OW! Nope. Teeth are intact. Small white objects were my nails which broke off at an evil slant..effectively become shanks that any inmate would envy.

I writhed about on the ground for awhile, and made sure nothing was seriously broken...other than my nails, my pride, and my wallet because the damn people that do my nails charge me fore EACH BROKEN NAIL. Two were broken and now considered lethal weapons, and 4 were split. Not on ze left side, not on ze right side. But Right! In! Ze! Meedle!!! (yeah. for insight on that reference, watch Hot Dog! The Movie). I finally decided I could move, and crawled back up to the bathroom to check on the kids. Both were peering at me from the tub. "Mommy! What was that noise!?"

"oh. I fell down the stairs." I tried to be nonchalant about it. Mistake. Since the kids don't see tears, this is now considered....FUNNY! BWWWAAAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHA!!! Meanwhile, still trying to do a damage assessment, I rolled up my jeans leg. Big purple bruises are already forming (I'm very pale, and if a butterfly runs into me, I bruise) One of the forming bruises has ruptured and is bleeding. Which made the laughter stop. And then they turned into the biggest little sweeties ever. Two naked little wet bodies launched out of the tub to give me big hugs. Then I was covered in Dora and Scooby Doo bandaids, because, of course, bandaids make everything better.

I started to feel better, got the kids dressed and waited for my other half to come home so I could grab some muscle relaxers and chug a beer.

HOWEVER... when he got home -- he brought in the mail. Which contained a jury summons. For me. For Valentine's Day. Yay. And then to top it all off??

I'm scheduled for a root canal on Friday.

Oh yeah. Witch sprinkled bad vibes for SURE before she left.

But hey...on the bright side - jury duty will give me something to write about later!

Stay tuned kiddies!

I RAN HER OFF!

2008-02-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sweet victory.

The old bat is gone. Apparently - I pissed her off because I woke up this morning.

For real.

Now let me go find all the hair I ripped out this past week and try to poke it back into my scalp.

~norm

Slow Burn

2008-01-29T19:05:00.001-08:00

my husband's grandmother is here at our house for the next two weeks....

need i elaborate?

I'm goin' to jail for sure

2008-01-22T18:44:00.001-08:00

Oh yeah. For sure I'm heading to the pokey. All thanks to this little gadget here:

This would be Avery's Christmas present from Santa Claus. Santa thought it would be really fun to see the things that catch the interest of a terroristic three year old. Silly Santa.

See, when Avery opened her gift, there was much jealousy abounding from Ethan and my 4 year old nephew, Michael. They thought the idea of your very own personal camera sounded pretty nifty. So all the kiddos were rumbling around the house taking pictures of anything & everything. No big deal so far. They maxed out the cameras picture storage capability, we deleted all the pictures they had taken so far, (because mostly they took pictures of the toilet) and let them run around with it again.

After awhile, the newness of the camera wore off, and it was set aside for a bit. Then Avery & Ethan rediscovered it and the picture taking extravaganza began. First, Avery paddled downstairs and took the requisite pictures of mommy & daddy. Then quite a few of the cats. After a bit, Ethan enticed her upstairs, and they played quite nicely for the next hour. Or so we thought.

Avery brought us her camera, and told us it was no longer taking pictures. Realizing the memory card was full, I had my hubby download the pictures to the computer. And then the REAL show began. The first few shots were the ones Avery had taken earlier downstairs. Then the shots took a slightly more sinister approach.

After the cute shots of mommy & daddy smiling and waving at their darling child, and after the shots of cat tails (cause the cats run away from flashing objects), we saw.... a butt.

Then we saw another butt. Nekkid of course. After that? A butt, then another. And another. Then came the full frontal monty shots. Of both Avery AND Ethan.

This is unacceptable. We do not live in Arkansas! I didn't raise them to do this! And I promise they are not acting on things they've seen before *gulp* really.

After viewing this, I scrambled to get my husband and make him erase the hard drive. Then I made sure there was NO!WAY! these files would EVER be found during some FBI raid (and why they would be raiding my house, I have no clue but then I'm paranoid like that)

Then we had the discussion about what is appropriate to photograph and what is not. Then the camera went into "Time Out".

So now you know. My kids are practicing for a career in porn. I'm so ashamed.

Poor Chick Posting

2008-01-20T10:34:00.000-08:00

Hey! Wanna hear the sound of $2,000????!!!! If you were in Las Vegas, I'm sure most of you would be going: "CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!"

But here at Norman's house it goes: "PHHSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LOSER LOSER LOSER!!!!!"

So let me explain. My husband, bless his misguided little heart, decided to do me a solid and install a shelf in my laundry room slash pantry. I really did need this shelf, so I granted him the opportunity to use power tools in my domain.

The man busted out all his toolnesses, and started searching for studs (in the wall. I know some of you have gutter minds. Stay with me). AnyHOO. We have metal studs. He managed to locate all of them, and marked each spot where the drilling needed to occur. Then he began. The first two spots went beautifully. The very last? Not so much.

"PHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS......." "SHHHHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!" yelled my husband. "PPPPPPHHHHHHSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" "SHIT SHIT SHITSHITSHITSHIT!!!!!!!!!"

"Problems?" I questioned, wondering why my head felt curiously balloony. "IT'S THE COMPRESSION LINE FOR THE AC!!! SHHHHHHITTTTTTTT!!!!"

"What's that sound?" Strange. For some reason I was unable to grasp the severity of the problem.

"IT'S FREON! HOLD YOUR BREATH!"

"But you have your nose right up to the air stream. I feel great and happy. How about you?"

"SHIIIIITT!!"

So while the freon from the compression line streamed merrily into the house, I calmly gathered the kids, sent them upstairs (cuz it was too cold to send them outside, and my clouded reasoning was that the freon was heavier than the air and would stay downstairs. I hope I was right.) and set about opening all the windows in the house.

Then I called an airconditioning person. Who scalped us with his arrival because it was Sunday and we had to pay the emergency fees.

Then they delivered the bad news: The entire compression line must be replaced. Ouch. OK. Please fix it (I was still high on freon). Then the shocker. We must recharge all the freon. To the tune of $60/pound. Our unit requires 30 pounds.

Oweee.

So to replace the freon alone, will be $1770. Not to mention the cost of replacing the compression line. Haven't gotten the quote back on THAT yet. I'm still reeling from the cost of the freon. And the high.

I've been working overtime at work now to help defray some of the expense, which should explain my absence from the blog.

I'm sure you guys understand. Anybody want to donate to a worthy cause? If not, I'm sure I can send my husband to your house to install any shelving you need. Any takers???

still here

2008-01-08T18:51:00.000-08:00

These kids are going to be the death of me. So after posting that Avery has pneumonia yesterday, and AFTER the child spiked a 105.2 temp, she is now gleefully running around the house, doing much better...thankyouverymuch. I now have 5 more gray hairs on my head.

She still has pneumonia, she just doesn't know it.

Anyway. Since she's doing better, I can post. Which brings me to today.

The man is still pissing off his porch.

Once was funny. Twice was weird. Three times is DISTURBING. It's disturbing because I want SO BAD to leap out into his driveway and yell "ah...HA!", But just can't work up the balls to do it yet. It would be awesome to see the man jump mid-stream. And don't tell me to let him be. If you live next door to me, and you do weird shit like this, I'm gonna exploit it.

But I told my man about this activity. He's incensed. Seems he's quite jealous that the next door neighbor can pee in the front yard, but HE has to do it in the backyard.

.....
..........
.............

What?

What IS it with men and this all consuming need to piss outdoors? Are ya'll marking your territory? Really?

This just reinforces my belief that all men are nasty creatures, and therefore must be treated as such. Except for my daddy of course. He pees inside the house (so far as I know).

Wish it would rain and pour

2008-01-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

Because then the Mountain Cedar allergens would go away and leave my family alone.

I finished my pack of steroids (*sob*) and am now dealing with the horrible head pressure again.

and the worst of it is now Avery is sick. And not just sick -- she's developed pneumonia.

So if I don't get on for awhile, at least you know why.

Norman!

Evacuation...complete (think Austin Powers.)

2008-01-06T07:50:00.000-08:00

Hey.

Last night, I was just like..standing in my driveway and listening to my neighbor's house because they are out of town, and there is a very faint sound coming from their house. It sounds like there is a smoke alarm sounding off in there. So I was trying to look into their house without actually looking like I was looking into their house, because we're not entirely sure they are out of town. You with me so far? Ok. Cool.

So anyway, while I was standing there, the neighbor that lives on the other side of me ventured out onto his porch. Here's the scene:

1. We never talk to them. They are strange. They are the neighbors that love Asian Karaoke.
2. There is a very large shrub line that separates our property from theirs.
3. They never visit with the rest of the neighbors. They keep very much to themselves.
4. It was dark outside
5. The neighbor did not know I was standing outside because of the darkness and the shrub line
6. This must be why he started pissing off the side of his porch
7. I really couldn't control the giggles
8. Then when I snickered just a little loud, it caused "streamus interruptus" after which he kept trying to let it out quieter and quieter
9. I finally lost it all together when he zipped up and went back inside

I think I now know why the former homeowners put up such a very large shrub line.

steroids rock

2008-01-01T21:19:00.000-08:00

I feel FANTABULOUS!!!! I can do anything, say anything, CONQUER THE WORLD.

the only problem is it's 11:15 pm and I'm supposed to be in bed.

steroids suck. BUT!!! They are helping me feel better -- who needs SLEEP!?

Since I'm wide awake, and my man is sawing logs in our bedroom, I thought I'd post a picture of his anniversary gift to me. The only trouble is, he still hasn't downloaded the pictures from the camera from the last 2 weeks. Being the clever individual that I am (because steroids ROCK), I snatched a picture from the 'nets and can now proudly display to you, my anniversary gift:

He got me another Coach Bag!!!!!! For our 9th last year, he got me a patchwork one. I think I'm sensing a pattern here. However, it's a lovely pattern and I hope it continues!!!!

I had a wonderful year if you look at it from a materialistic point of view:

Sold a house I didn't especially like

Bought a bigger house that I like better

Quit high-paying job working with unsavory people (in my little department that is, I miss my old co-workers, like Anonymous Farm Wife and my bestest-friend-that-happens-to-be-a-guy....he knows who he is)

Gained new job that only pays half as much but has not the stress I used to have, and I don't really care if the people I work with likes me or not cause I'm having fun doing it....!!!

Got rockin' Xmas gifts: Roomba, Scooba, Hand-drawn framed pictures by my fav artists...my children....

Got kick-ASS Coach purse that I'd been drooling over for the past 2 months.

Still have a blog where people I care about post to let me know they still read after 2 years!!! (YAY!!!)

Oh yeah. A very good year. Aside from the allergens that is.

I'm happy. I'm looking forward to 2008!

Ha-ha-HACHOO-py New Year Ya'll

2007-12-31T18:46:00.000-08:00

Yup. Cedar Fever has us all over here. My husband sort of resembles Rudolph with his cherry red nose. I'm crabby because I can't partake of the alchoholic beverages, and all the kids have sniffly noses.

It's called Cedar Fever and it appears as if every single one of us in this house has severe allergies to this particular spore.

What a way to ring in the new year. Wait. Scratch that. Ashton seems fine. In fact, she has her heart on staying up to watch the ball drop, and all I want to do is climb in to bed. I need my rest to gear up for Wednesday when all the formerly drunk people call in to file insurance claims on the cars they wrecked. Yay.

Obviously, I'm a grump. And having to deal with a sick husband who's crabby than I am is making this day funner. And yes funner is a word so leave me alone.

At this point, I'd usually post some pictures but he refuses to download the pictures from the camera, so I can't share.

But you know what? As grumpy as I am, I wish every stinkin' one of you a Happy New Year, and may your New Year find you healthier, wealthier and HAPPY.

Lurve, Norman

Cuz yer a "Dolo"....that's why.

2007-12-29T15:35:00.000-08:00

Have your kids ever made up words before? Mine LOVE to. It's their own personal little language.

Take "Dolo" for instance. No clue what it means, but it's pronounced "dough-low". I've been hearing the kids throwing this word around for weeks, followed by spates of laughter.

The other day, they were sitting at the dinner table, misbehaving as usual. Ethan wasn't eating, and in frustration, I told him "Hey...Dolo....eat!" Complete and utter silence decended upon us after the children all let out a simultaneous gasp. Apparently - I had stumbled upon one of their made up cuss words. Oops.

Another good one is frag-ee. I don't think I'll use that one anytime soon. I have the feeling it is the children's equivalent of the f-bomb.

And Avery?? Well, according to my children, she cheepows in her underwear. I think I have that one figured out, and her daddy cheepows in his too.

So I'm gonna skippoo for now. Don't be a dolo, I'll be back frag-ees, so go cheepow in your panties.

HAPPY BOXING DAY!

2007-12-26T20:19:00.000-08:00

Seeing as how I'm a grinch and forgot to wish you all a Merry Christmas, I'm doing the next best thing and wishing you all a Happy Boxing Day.

Nevermind that I haven't the foggiest what Boxing Day is.

I just know that some people are receiving extra presents today.

Right now, I'm mopping my floor, and blogging at the same time. "Norman!" you ask, "How can you be doing these things at the same time!?

Ah now, my little cat, it is because I'm now the owner of a wondrous little machine called a "Scooba" and it is mopping my floors for me. I lurve my new Scooba ever so much. I can sit on my ass and clean my house at the same time. It is truly the lazy woman's toy.

My husband has mentioned now, that if he finds one more automated thing along the lines of the Scooba, he will no longer have a use for me. YAY!! Luckily, our 10 year anniversary is tomorrow, so I shall be buying him a blow-up doll to see if he holds true to his promise.

Unfortunately, I have to keep the man around for silly little bothersome tasks....like downloading pictures off the camera. So maybe I won't buy him that doll after all.

Just a snippet, here's something that freaks the everloving snot out of Norman:

Pulling out of my driveway in the morning and seeing a pack of wild coyotes running down my street.

'K!!! I'm going to follow my Scooba around now and watch it clean the floor!

Sorry

2007-12-17T19:18:00.000-08:00

Didn't mean to worry you good people. But all's fine over here. Really. Just needed to deal with some real life blips that required undivided attention.

But things are okay. In fact, they're so okay that I actually have something to post about tonight!!

I leave work later in the day. I only work 3 days during the week, but it's not as cool as it sounds. The three days I'm working? I'm basically at work from 8am until 7:30 at night. I generally get home just in time to see my kids off to bed. But tonight - Ashton had a Christmas program that began at 7:00pm. I really REALLY wanted to be there for it, but it's something akin to jamming bamboo splinters under my nails to get some time off at work. I managed to get 30 minutes leave time, and ran out of the office at 7:00pm, jumped into my car and zoomed off across the city of San Antonio on my way to see my daughter sing.

I drove on the highway. I drove on busy city streets, I drove down populated neighborhoods filled with cars traveling merrily thru the city. All without my lights on. And not one single frickin' person flashed their headlights at me to let me know that my lights were not on.

I know it's because they think I was a gang member searching for my initiation passage by waiting for a good samaritan to flash their headlights at me so I could blast them with my highly illegal automatic weapon.

Which I don't have. Or so you think.

But anyways...no one told me my lights weren't on. It wasn't until I pulled up into the schoolyard where there weren't so many lights that a group of parents hollered out: "Turn on your lights!!" (and when I turned to look at them in the rear view mirror, I saw them doing commando rolls into the bushes nearby pulling their kids with them). Not really. But they WERE ducking for cover.

I did make it to the school just in time to see my daughter's class file up to the stage to sing, and she saw me make it in. The relief on her face was evident, and even though I was there on time, it did make me feel bad that she was worried like that.

After the program, I made sure to tell her that I lead a secret double life as a gang member inductee, and I was merely searching for people to blink their headlights at me so I could mess them up.

She now thinks I'm the coolest mom ever.

PSA from Norman

2007-12-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

Time for a little PSA....that's Public Service Announcement for you guys like me that don't like to talk in text.

Let's play a game of "Let's Pretend".

Let's Pretend you are driving down the road, and there happens to be a WHEELBARROW in the road. You can see it, faaaaaaaaaar away in the distance, and as you get closer and closer, you start to think that maybe...just MAYBE, you can straddle it.

Well --- you can't.

So when you call your insurance company, here's the secret. Always always always tell that insurance person on the road that the wheelbarrow was in motion. NEVER tell them that it was just laying there. Just say that it BOUNCED out of a truck. Hell - tell them there was a laborer attached to the wheelbarrow, I don't know...just make sure that you tell them the damn thing was moving when you hit it.

Cause the difference is this. Do you want it to be a chargeable accident or not?

So remember. If you hit road debris of any kind....whatever it is....just make sure that you tell your insurance company the road debris was flung onto your car from another car hitting it and YOU COULDN'T AVOID IT.

Got it? Now, let's review this call I had yesterday. Some man called me and told me he had just run over something in the road, and now the underside of his car was completely torn out because the object flipped up and caused damage. Poor guy. He's facing getting his vehicle totaled because undercarriages are expensive to replace. So I quizzed him. I tried and tried to tell him the object was probably in motion, without telling him the object was in motion. He just didn't get it. He kept telling me that he came over the top of the hill, it was dark and he couldn't avoid hitting it.

I said: "Let me get this straight. You came over the top of a hill and this item rolled under your car and you now have pieces of your car's underside strewn across the interstate." "No ma'am," he replied "it was jest a'layin' there in the road. I jest couldn't go around it."

"Really sir? Are you SURE the item wasn't flung under your car by the vehicle in front of you as you came over the top of the hill?"

"Lady - I'm TELLIN' yew, it was laying in the road, and I couldn't avoid it!!!! Did yew git that?"

grrrr

"Yes sir, this is an accident that will be covered by your collision coverage which carries a $500 deductible. Additionally - I'm obligated to tell you that this will be considered an at-fault accident that may cause your rates to rise at renewal time."

silence. now wait a second...waait a second.. here it goes:

'WHAT THE HELL!? I JUST TOLD YOU I COULDN'T AVOID IT!!! WHY AM I AT FAULT!?'

my reply:

"I'm so sorry sir. If the object was in motion, then it could have been considered under your comprehensive coverage which carries a $100 deductible. Additionally, comprehensive claims are not as likely to cause rate increases at renewal time."

"Well ma'am.. I think I was mistaken. I do believe that item was in motion when I ran over it. In fact --- I know it was in motion. Put that in your notes lady."

"Sorry. You've already told me that it wasn't." "LOOK!!! THE DAMN THING WAS MOVING, THERE WERE ILLEGALS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD THROWING SHIT IN TRAFFIC"

"Really!? Did you call the police?"

"Well....hell no. I didn't think about it"

"Oh. Ok sir, I'll make a note of that when I send this claim to the fraud department."

"FRAUD??!!"

"Yes sir. I'm pretty sure you're lying to me to get this accident considered differently. "

*click*

I do not think I'm going to last at this job too long. I keep pissing people off.

HI-JACKED!

2007-12-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

Hi. I'm Avery, and I'm jacking my mommy's blog. I'm almost three, and pretty smart. Like now for instance. My parents think I'm asleep. But I'm really not. I'm down here typing on this blog.

I got a little somethin somethin to say, and since my mommy uses this blog to talk about things that she notices and her thoughts on them, I just thought I'd do it as well.

See, I'm gonna be three in just a couple days. Turning three seems to be a pretty big deal to grown-ups, but to me? Well, it just means I'm gonna get presents. And lots of them. But hey - as long as it's Dora stuff, I'll go along with the big tada about the birthday thing. But for the record, here's some stuff that's been annoying the doo-doo out of me for awhile.

1. Telling me what a BIG GIRL I am.

I know I'm a big girl. You can stop. It's really tiring to hear you grownups walk in and tell me all the time.

2. Stop pushing on my nose.

Why you gotta beep my nose all the time? I mean really. You just told me what a big girl I am. You think I really believe that my nose goes "beep-beep"? I saw your mouth moving for jeebus sakes. I know it was you that said "beep-beep". sheesh

3. I just don't wanna.

So stop asking me if I want to poo-poo in the potty. Isn't it enough that I go there for pee-pee? It's too much effort for me. Besides, my mommy will eventually have to buy me new panties for all the ones I've ruined. But that's okay because I'm thinking there's some sparkly Dora ones in one of those wrapped birthday gifts I'll be getting. And don't go thinking I'll ruin those too. I can always sneak into my room for to put on a pull-up like I did earlier today. Man, I'll tell you! That was a plan and a half! Pee in the potty, then realize when you gotta "do the doo", just run up to your room, slap on some pull ups and have at it!! I was smart though, and hid the pull up in my closet so they never knew I actually took a poop today. Well, wait a minute. I do have to give my moms partial credit for brains. She actually thought one of my kitties pooped in my closet because she kept walking around sniffing and saying it smelt like poopy upstairs. I told her George must've done it when she found the pull up. Next time, I'll hide the pull up near their cat box to prove it.

4. Fake Santas

That fat guy in the red suit at the mall? N-O-T S-A-N-T-A. I know he wasn't. Stop trying to tell me he was. Santa doesn't smell like onions & cigarettes. That's why I wouldn't sit on his lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas. I want Dora stuff for Christmas. And lot's of it. I can put it on here and Santa will read it. Santa likes blogs. He'll know.

5. Apple Juice

I wish my mom would quit watering down my apple juice. I hate watered down apple juice. But she keeps doing it. I dunno why...something about squirts and me wearing real underwear now.

Okay. That's it for now. What? You guys wanted more? What the hell? I'm three! I just don't have that much to bitch about now, except for early bed time.... but hey - I'm down here sneaking around on the internet, and there's a hot poker game I have to sit in on now, so TOODLES!

This is just typical of things that happen to me

2007-11-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

I know most of you have been reading me for a while. I know most of you probably leave this blogsite going: "What a dumbass" and then come back to make sure that your original impression of me and my bumblings is spot-on. Some of you are new to my blog and are speeding thru my archives to catch up ( I know this because I see my site meter ), and then some of you have just stumbled onto my blog and periodically come back just to read my nonsense.

Which brings me to my point. I don't know what my point is, but let me tell you the stupid ass thing I did today. Mind you...I don't know HOW I managed to do this, but I did it.

I went to the bathroom today at work, (yes.. some of you are already screaming "TMI!!" but this is a crucial issue), did my 'bidness and started heading back to my desk. Now, I noticed that "something" in the ...ahem...private areas of my being were slightly uncomfy, but a bit of scootching in my seat seemed to ease the problem. Besides, I was on the phone with some ~~idiot~~ poor soul who had inadvertantly driven their vehicle up onto some landscaping rocks, and the important matter at hand was how to maneuver the vehicle OFF the rock without taking out the rest of the undercarriage. Yes - this person admitted to me that alcohol WAS factor....as was the prostitute that had been "working" while he was driving. So while I was listening to the man beg me not to let his wife know the full details of said accident, you can understand why my small issue of uncomfy undies came second fiddle.

After I finally got off the phone with the man, I leapt up to tell my coworkers about this accident, because truthfully..when you call in to report a claim to your insurance company??? If it's stupid accident??? We ALL laugh at your dumbass.

But I digress.

So I jumped up - like I said, and we all had a good laugh, then I sat down, and leapt right back up. Something had HURT me DOWN THERE. And not a good hurt either. I gingerly sat back down and got right back up. Mudderfudder hurt a lot. Logging out on my phone, I headed back to the bathroom. Pulled down my pants and took a look-see.

Know what? APPARENTLY, some how...and I'm not quite sure HOW this occurred....but SOMEHOW, my earring had fallen off and lodged itself in my pretty lil' undies. And was poking the ouch-shit out of me.

Norman's Day: Score one for pretty much the same old same old of stupid human tricks performed by me.

I'm the jingle jangle jingler !!!

2007-11-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

I've been known to do some pretty corny things in my life, but this just MIGHT top the corniest!!

But, I figured - what the hell...let's give this a whirl! Last year, in Amarillo, some of my more snooty neighbors were doing the "You've been Jingled" thing. Nobody jingled my house. I felt so unjingled. Basically, the "rules" for Jingling can be found here. The only way I found out that Jingling had been occurring in my old neighborhood is when I found a crumpled up torn sign blowing down the street....obviously after it had blown off someone's door from where they had been jingled. I felt so sad that I was never considered "Jingleable".

Let's fast forward to new town, new house. Thinking about what a blast Halloween had been in this neighborhood, I decided to start up the Jingling on my own.

I bought two cutsie wootsie little snowmen and made up the signs and envelopes, tucked everything into a Christmassy bag and popped my Jingle gifts on two unsuspecting neighbors doorsteps. Ashton helped me select the houses of the people we jingled. Neither of us know these people. All we know is they live in our neighborhood. The strategy we had for picking these houses was because we drive by them on the way home, and we'll be able to see if they hang their Jingle Signs.

I think Ashy is getting more giggles out of this than me! She's looking forward to seeing how many people jingle each other!

**I actually wrote this post last night, after we had dropped off the packages. This morning, I noticed that the first house we jingled already had their sign up, but the SECOND house still has the package out on the doorstep. Now I'm rethinking this. I'm bringing up a bunch of what ifs. WHAT IF the homeowner freaks out to an unexpected package and calls the BOMB SQUAD about this present we left on their doorstep!! HOLY SHIT! I'M GOIN' TO THE POKEY!

Should I go retrieve this stupid jingle gift ???

In honor of my most popular post ever, I give you a re-run on my blog

2007-11-23T06:55:00.000-08:00

I was reading my November blog to see how this year's Thanksgiving stacked up against last year's T-giving when I ran across this particular post. Realizing that I will probably NEVER top this post, I decided to do the lazy thing, and just recycle this post in honor of last year. It really was the most fun I ever had shopping.

Hope everyone had a great Turkey Day!!!

Every year, I have made it a POINT to avoid the much-hyped "Black Friday". I refuse to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:00am and shiver outside of a friggin' STORE just to get the best deals. I have made it a POINT to not have to battle the ad-waving people scrambling through the newspaper flyers, plotting out my next shopping hit while I wait for 2 hours in the cold. It's a POINT. A point about what - I'm not too sure, but it's a point. My sister, however, raises no points and decided to drag me on her shopping excursion.

The phone calls began at 3:30am,

Friday*ring*me: "h'lo?"
evil sister: "Wake up!! We gotta go!!!"
me: *click*

3:45am*ring*
me: "h'lo?"
evil sister: "WAKE UP!!! I'M COMING OVER"
me: *click*

4:00am*ring*
me: "go fuck yourself"
Mom: "that's nice"
me: "oh .... oops!!! "
Mom: (clearly miffed) "Your sister would like to go shopping"
me: "tell her to go fuck herself"
Mom: *click*

4:05am*ring*
me: "mom?"
evil sister: (taunting me) "Mom's really mad at you!! hahaha!! I'm the better daughter!!"
me: "click"
evil sister: "you didn't hang up. You just SAID click"
me: "it was a hint"
me: *click*

4:30am*ring*
me: "You're going to wake the kids up beeeeyotch!!"
Dad: "Your mother said your language was terrible."
me: "awwww SHIT!"
dad: "Young lady. we did not raise you to talk like that..."
Me: "You also didn't raise me to wake up at ungodly hours to go spend my freaking MONEY!!"
Me: *click* .... WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM (<--- that's me whamming the phone down repeatedly)

4:45am*ring*
me: "I'm taking the phone off the hook now"
evil sister: "No!! Wai------"
****sound of the phone being laid off the hook****

So then I slept in until 5:30am. At which point Avery decided it was a FANTASTIC time to watch 'toons. And she woke up the other two hooligans. I hung out with them for a while and drank coffee and pondered the idea of beginning my shopping. I mean.... every other year - my hubs and I have dropped the kids off with my mom and done a Shopping Blitz, finishing all of our gift-buying in one day. But then I remembered that MY HUSBAND DOES NOT LIVE HERE ANYMORE. So maybe it WOULD be a good idea to take advantage of the fact that I have people willing to watch my children (oh - and yeah, my husband was here this weekend for T-Giving) while I do my shopping.

I called my evil sister about 9:00am. And begged her forgiveness for my earlier rudeness. She was kind of miffed at me since she missed out on the "early bird" specials, but we agreed on a more (civil) time to meet up and we went a-shopping.We started out at Best Buy, where I bought a couple of photo printers, that are normally $150, for $49.95. So I was happy with that - and ready to go home... but my sister really really REALLY wanted to go to Target. And that is where I lost all my money.

I hate Target mainly because I want to buy everything in that store. And Friday - I actually TRIED to buy everything in that store. Whatever I didn't buy - my sister did. We quite literally filled up my car until nothing else would fit in it. We left my house at 10:00am, and I didn't get back home until 8:00pm. I distinctly remember telling my husband that I would be back at the house by 12:00. Apparently, I didn't specify 12:00am or 12:00pm, and his mistake was in not asking me to clarify. Either way - I wasn't in too much trouble. And he hasn't checked the bank account lately because I'm still alive. But the majority of our shopping is DONE!! But I digress!!

We spent the majority of our day at Target. I think around 3:00pm, I realized I was seriously broke, but was unwilling to call it a day. I kept eyeballing the contents of my cart and pulling things out, calculating, recalculating, and then shoving everything back in going "To hell with it!! This is CHRISTMAS!!"

I was hanging out by the vacuum cleaners, eyeballing the Dyson's. Particularly the Purple one called the "Animal" (Spicy Cracker told me the Animal is wonderful!!), when I found it.

Know what I found? I found one of the Target Employees little walkie-talkies. I have never had so much friggin' fun in my life!!!! I picked it up, and turned it on. Pushed the little button, and began talking as if I was a Target Employee:

ME: "Hey Guys!! The boss says that if we get our areas zoned, we can leave EARLY!!"

The channel went silent for a minute, and then chatter picked up on the radio.

TARGET People: "FOR REALS??"

Me: "Nah - I'm just jacking with you"

TARGET People: "It's not funny. Give me a price check..."

Me: "Price check? Sure! Go ahead"

TARGET People: "How much are the TrueTech Digital Photo Frames"

Me: "Damned if I know. Why don't you just give it to them for $25?"

TARGET People: ".....$25? They're like... usually $110...."

Me: "Well.. the price today is $25"

TARGET People: "Who is this?"

Me: "I'm a customer. I found the radio, but I'm coming over to get my digital photo frame for $25"

TARGET People: "You're a guest and you have a radio? "

Me: "Yeah. I found it. This is pretty cool"

TARGET People: "Well, could you please bring the radio to guest services?"

Me: "No I don't think I want to"

TARGET People: "Well, you have to."

Me: "Hey. Finders keepers and all that... can I have a photo frame for $25?"

TARGET People: "Where are you?"

Me: "I'm over in housewares right now, but I'm walking really really fast, cause now I have to move"

TARGET People: "You know security can see you from their little bubble cameras"

Me: "Okay... I'll give you your radio... but can I have a photo frame for $25?

Target person tapping me on the back.... "No, but thank you for finding our radio..."

Me: "damn"

Then my sister made us leave.

But that's what she gets for making me go shopping the day after Thanksgiving.

TIT

2007-11-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

Well. THAT title ought to earn me some unexpected blog traffic. But yeah - let's talk about TIT.

I h8 when ppl TIT me. Don't TIT me. I dnt wnt 2 hear it. If u hv smthng 2 say - dnt TIT me.

Did you get that??

One of my coworkers is in her early 20's. She has this annoying habit of "Talking in Text" to me (TIT)

Example:

Me: Hey Ally! How's your day going so far!?

Her: OMG! This person just yelled at me! I wanted to tell him so bad to STFU!! LOL!!

Me: OMG?

Her: Ya!! ROFLMAO. Don't you know what OMG is?

Me: Yes. I just don't expect people to say it for real

Her: Oh ya! It's easier for me to just talk like I text sometimes

Me: STFU and GAL

Her: GAL?

Me: GET A LIFE

So now she's pissed at me. But honestly, don't TIT me. I h8 it

Well this sucks.

2007-11-14T17:50:00.001-08:00

i had an entirely different post for tonight. Actually - I had an entirely different post the last couple of days that I just haven't gotten around to writing. It's all in my head right now, so as soon as I get thru this new crisis, I'll post it.

But let me tell you how my day went today.

It started at 4:30am courtesy of The Ethanator standing by our bed. I heard a noise and looked up. I saw his outline next to the bed and I asked him what was up. "Look! " he announced cheerily "It's OLIVIA!" as Olivia pranced across our bed. "I see Olivia, but why are YOU up?" I groggily questioned. "Because my tummy hurts." Now that he'd remembered why he was in our room, his demeanor changed from excited to see the cat to sick and pathetic. "Oh no!! Are you going to throw up?" "No, it's just my tummy hurts and I'm really hungry."

So rather than get up and cook him breakfast at 4:30am, I convinced him to stay in our bed and lay quietly. He did this, but then when the alarm rang for us to get up, he still said his stomach hurt and it was because he was hungry. So we fed him breakfast and sent him to school. I made it about 3 steps into my office building when I got a call from the school nurse telling me that Ethan was in her office.

The nurse said that he was nauseous. Now see, earlier my husband & I had just decided that the child was constipated because he kept sitting on the pot while getting ready for school. So we let the nurse know that he just had to crap and he'd be fine. She sent him back to class. 10 minutes later he was back in the office because he had proceeded to ralph all over his classmate.

oops. Mommy Moment of the Year award goes to ME.

I got through the rest of the day at work because my mother graciously offered to take care of him. I have the next two days off so this should be no problem....right?

I was driving home tonight, and stopped at our mailbox. Turned my car off, got the mail from the community box, and started my car. Or at least...I tried to start my car.

Won't start.

So imagine this: Me in heels trying to push my car the last block home.

Didn't happen.

Some nice man helped me get my car up to my street at which point my husband meandered out to assist me in trying to get the car up the steep incline which is what our driveway amounts to.

I almost ran him over when the car started rolling backward.

oops again

So now I'm stuck at home with a child who is doing his best imitation of the excorcist, no working car, and no idea how I'm going to get it repaired. I hate it when cars break down this close to the holidays!

The bad news is I think it's the starter which is never a cheap fix. GrreeeaAAAaaAAAAAtttt

We interrupt this blog for a birthday announcement....

2007-11-08T14:55:00.000-08:00

IT'S THE ETHANATOR'S BIRTHDAY!!!

Now, if you're pregnant...stop reading. This is in no way going to be a thing you'll want to know about while you're pregnant.

It's hard for me to believe that the guy who gave me the nickname of "Norman" is now 6 big years old. In fact, it's easier for me to remember the day he was born. So to me, it's like yesterday that I finally got to meet him for the first time.

Oh sure, he'd been kicking around my kidney's for a while, but I didn't really set eyes on him until 6 years ago. And he sure as hell made his entrance something memorable.

Don't get me wrong, he wasn't on death's door and we weren't rushed to the hospital in some sort of drama that Lifetime likes to make mushy little made-for-tv movies about. It was just that he got....stuck.

Have you have been giving birth and your kid gets STUCK before? I had no freaking clue such a thing could happen. So there we were, deep in the throes of the miracle of birth when you could almost HEAR the doors of childbirth slam shut.

"PPPPPUSSSSSHHHH!!!!" yelled my husband gleefully. "PUUUUUSSSHHHHHH ooooooowwwwwSSSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIITTTT!!!!" (that last part is me grabbing him by the soft skin underneath his chin. Did you know grabbing people there hurts a lot? It also made him stop being so damn happy about the fact that I was in labor)

"Um. You might want to stop coaching your wife to push right about now," mentioned the nurse "it appears your child is stuck."

"What the hell?!" STUCK? I would have offered to leap out of the bed and do a few jumping jacks to help dislodge him, but the epidural was hooked up and that was a bit of loveliness I did not want to part with. "Errrr.... yes. He appears to have his shoulders stuck. We might have to help him out with your next contraction..."

Silly me. I didn't know what this meant. See -- what they meant to say was this: "When you have your next contraction, this nurse here who looks like a linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys is going to stand on the rail of your hospital bed and wham the shit out of your hip to try to push your pelvis apart. Meanwhile, I'm going to pull on your baby's head and brace my foot on the end of the bed to gain more traction."

Or something like that. I know my husband was standing against the wall with a shocked look on his face watching the scene as he held an icepack to the underside of his chin. I even think someone from the hospital staff was taking pictures from the hallway. I bet if you look hard enough that damn picture is posted on someone's blog.

All I know is after the first round of that method, I have never pushed so hard in my life because I certainly didn't want the next contraction to begin and find out what kind of midwife fuckery they were going to pull next.

And that - in a nutshell - is how I met my son and he's been entertaining the family ever since.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ETHAN!!!

Gripes

2007-11-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

I've got a gripe.

It's not a major gripe, but it's awfully annoying for me. And because you are reading this blog I'm going to assume you wanna hear it, so here it is:

Stop with the stupid ringtone on your cell phones.

Ok Guys. I know it can't POSSIBLY be ya'll doing this to me. But really, if any of you twerps are stumbling across this post, please listen: IT IS NOT COOL TO FORCE ME TO LISTEN TO YOUR CHOICE IN MUSIC.

Now I'm not talking about the ring tones you get when your phone rings. I can handle that because the minute your phones answer, you're hopping around and answering it before the first few sounds are out. I can handle the rings.

What I don't like is when I am FORCED to listen to the sound of your music when I'm attempting to call your phone. You know...instead of the electronic sound of the phone ringing in your ear, it's the sound of YOUR preference in music, or what some people classify as music?

I do not like rap. Never have...never will. I will admit I'm an old fuddy-duddy when it comes to this, and but I HAAAAAAAAAAATE it! So when I'm making phone calls in the middle of the day to people that have insurance issues..the last thing I want to hear screaming into my ear is this:

Wouldja wanna fuck

hunh hunh hunh

wouldja wanna fuck

hunh hunh hunh

wouldja wanna fuck

you know it

wouldja wanna fuck

hunh hunh hunh

wouldja wanna fuck

hunh hunh hunh

you know it

oo oo

I know I know.. Those are deep and meaninful lyrics..... to a 16 year old.

And I've got some that have freaking Celine Dion screeching in my ear as well. Cain't stand her either, even though she isn't a rapper.

While I'm on the subject of gripes, I'll gripe about this blog as well.

I know I haven't been responding to posts lately - I apologize for that....but c'mon.... I get well over 150 hits each day and NO ONE is talking to me.

I'm in a pissy mood right now, so I'll just go ahead a announce it right now.

I'M CALLING A DE-LURKING DAY. IF YOU ARE READING, YOU MUST ANNOUNCE YOUR LURKING STATUS BY POSTING A COMMENT THAT SAYS "HI". THIS IS A REQUIREMENT. DON'T BE A NERD. JUST DE LURK.

Thank you. That is all.

GHOST STALKER

2007-11-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

Hey...you know all those "ghost photo's" you see where the proof is floating orbs? You've all seen the "orbs" that I'm talking about, right? Well, I never saw them in Amarillo. And I KNOW my house was haunted there. For the record, and I know this is a huge disappointment to the ghost post fans, there's no haunting here. Sux for you - but a relief for me. At least now I know I'm not crazy. I really thought I was delusional there for the past 5 years.

So far - no scariness. I took my goblins trick or treating last night.... Halloween here is AWESOME! For the past 12 years, I've lived in the Bible Belt and Halloween was a Heathen Event. 6 out of every 10 houses had their lights off and it pretty much sucked to be a kid trick or treating.

I'd forgotten how much everyone gets into Halloween down here. My neighbor told me that when Halloween fall on a Friday, he goes thru 45 pounds of candy....easy. Our neighborhood was awash in ghouls & gremlins last night, and even the grownups were dressed up. It was spooktacular!! One neighbor's kids even put on a show in his yard....Fencing Skeletons. All in all we had a blast.

Here's a shot of my kids (insert gratuitous photo here:)

Ashy's candy bag broke on someone's front door step...hence the wal*mart bag...but they all looked pretty cute.

But that's not what I wanted to show you. Last night was amazingly clear. No fog, no bugs...beautiful Halloween night. My man took a picture of our house from the street. Wanna know what showed up?

Orbs. Lot's of 'em. Look:

In between the cars there even appears to be some sort of ectoplasm stuff building. THEN... he took another picture of the porch, and it shows a strange shadow behind Ashy.

We're not sure what the shadow was, but it wasn't there when we took the picture. Oh, and I thought maybe it was the light from the hanging ghost, but the shadow is there even when the ghost isn't lit up. I just can't get that one particular pic to upload...

So....I wonder if my Amarillo ghost has finally found me?

Ding Dong the Witch is Gone!

2007-10-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!

now I feel bad. The woman gets on my nerves to be sure, but she does love her great-grandkids. Just not me. But she means well. I just can't tolerate her in large doses. However, I must say that nitpicking & criticizing aside, I could tell she made an effort to be nice to me.

See how easy it is for me to be gracious when she's finally gone?

****deep sigh of relief***** ahhhhhhhhhhh......me time. Feels soooo good!

Now that I have a teeny bit of me time, I can share with you some snippets. So just for fun, I'm going to show you some of the keyword searches that have led to my blog. That's always the most entertaining part of my statcounter program:

Interesting keyword searches:

1. Naked Fireman - I'm currently looking all over on my blog now for this. If I've got a naked fireman on here somewhere, I'm sure as hell gonna jump all over that. I need one right now.

2. My dog ate some saran wrap - Gross. It's even grosser when they try to poop it out. It gets caught in there and sometimes you have to *help* remove it. Then it looks like you wrapped a dog turd in saran wrap which is essentially....what it is. However, I do not encourage you to place the conveniently wrapped item in your fridge.

3. Dog ate plastic wrap - saran wrap, plastic wrap - you're not going to find a better answer for your dilemma pal. Put some latex gloves on and start spelunking dude. And for God's sake man, don't let the dog eat the gloves when you're done. Otherwise you'll have five turds encased in plastic.

4. My pug ate kleenex, should I worry? - what is it with you guys thinking I'm the online vet? And stop leaving crap where your dog will get it! Is this the same guy who let their dog eat saran?

5. Vibrating Panties Video - I don't know about any such video, and I certainly never starred in it. I fail to see how such an undergarment would be comfy to wear. Might be FUN, but not comfy. Thanks

6. Stubbed Toe Nail - oh. I can TOTALLY sympathize with this one. In fact, let me help you find the post in which I showed my toe. It's here. Yes that's a real photo, and yes it hurt like a sumbitch. I believe my toenail is now dead, because it's been black ever since. TMI I know, but it needed to be told.

7. "I have to pee like a screaming comanche" - Now come on. Why are you searching online? You have to pee that bad and don't know to just go whiz? I think I'm missing something here. Now.....if you meant..I peed and I FEEL like a screaming comanche - well then I'm right there with you. And I'm happy to tell you that the solution to that is CIPRO. It's a URINARY TRACT INFECTION. Get some cipro. And AZO. You'll piss orange for the next few days but your comanche issues are gone.

As always - glad to help with your searches!

And that's enough of a post for tonight....I'll show you guys tomorrow or Monday what I did on my day off this last Friday later.

normy!

Day Off

2007-10-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

It's my day off. Tomorrow is my day off as well. Then I work all day Saturday and have Sunday off again.

I don't know if I'm diggin' my new schedule. I don't know if I'm too crazy about my new employer, the "VLC" either.

I have this crappy schedule for the next 2 months. I have to work 10 hour days on Mon-Wednesday, which means that when I get home, my kids are going to bed. Then on my days off, they are in school...with the exception of Avery.

Don't get me wrong - I love the peace and quiet of only having to deal with one child all day...it's soooooo easy and I like being able to dedicate undivided attention to her, but I miss my other kids.

My last job for the previous eight years was straight 8-4:30, making twice as much as I do now. I like my weekends off. Also - my new job has a lot of "unreasonable" demands for the amount per hour they pay me. I'm wondering if it would just be a better idea to use my two weekdays off each week to search for another job. The only thing I need to look for is a job that will promise immediate insurance benefits.

I mean -- I couldn't get paid any less, so that's the nice thing about thinking about changing jobs...I wouldn't take a pay cut like I did when I moved here!! LOL

I'm kinda depressed right now. For those of you that don't know - occasionally I fall into a deep funk, and I think I'm heading there now. My husband's grandmother is back at our house and has been for the past 2 weeks. She was supposed to leave today until my husband convinced her to stay until Saturday. Shit. She's super critical of me, and her and I don't see eye to eye. She constantly follows me around, and when we go to the grocery store, she gripes about how much money I spend. For instance... I bought Classico spaghetti sauce. The woman grabbed the jar, put it back on the shelf and replaced it with some generic store brand that I know for a fact, tastes like ass. Then she informed me that I'm too liberal with her grandson's money, and she needed to educate me on proper shopping techniques.

I told her I earn a paycheck too, and put my Classico back in the cart. Then we repeated the same performance with the apples and every other thing I bought. Then she got upset at our house because I had TWO dishtowels out by the sink. According to her - I'm wasteful and throw money around. According to ME, this is my fucking house and she's the guest so she can stuff it.

Deep funk - here I come

Weirdo

2007-10-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that we have an assload of trees in our backyard? Well, we've been busy being lumberjacks, and have cut down 7 cedars, because they're choking out the other trees. We still have 30 trees in our yard. I know this because I counted.

30 trees in our back yard makes our beagle dog verrreee tired because every time it rains, he has to run around re-marking his territory. That poor dog is about ready to fall over by the time he's done. He also has to take a break and 'refuel' by guzzling water out of his dish halfway thru. It's quite entertaining to watch.

So one night, my man and I were sitting outside watching the dog do his thing. The mister was drinking beer, and I had my favorite beverage, The Margarita, as well. Watching the dog, I remarked that it would be funny if we went and followed him around with the water hose spraying off his mark spots. Next thing I knew, my man was up and running after the dog. PISSING on the area the dog had just done. He followed the path my poor puppy had taken and peed on as much as he could.

If dogs could cry -- my dog was sobbing.

Hands off ladies, he's mine.

We interrupt the cuteness below for the following message:

2007-10-15T20:47:00.001-07:00

THERE'S A SCORPION IN MY HOUSE

SCORPION

HOUSE

A SCCCCCOOOORPIOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**NORMAN IS RUNNING AWAY NOW

Meet George

2007-10-14T20:08:00.001-07:00

Meet George

hewwo. i'm cutsie wootsie

George gets a little excitable. Right now, he's excitable because Olivia thinks he's a tasty snack

must..attack..killer...fake plant..

Luckily, he's got the hiding part down pat.

hey. you with the camera. you can't see me, and the minute you snap that picture, i'm gonna jump on your head and claw the crap outta your skull. you know i will.

(norman's note....he did. The cat ain't all there)

Let's hope he makes it to 9 weeks old.

Let's hope he doesn't shit on my bed.

The Ol' Switcheroo....

2007-10-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

Sere would not adhere to the litter box standard. Rather than turn her into a gear shift cover, or snake food, we attempted to train her to use the litter box. Since I posted last Saturday, she's basically been confined to the garage with a litter box on one side of the room, and her food on the other.

We left her in there, and would only bring her in when we could keep a constant eye on her. It made no difference. The minute someone's back would turn, she'd use the closest piece of furniture as a toilet.

So we called the adoption center, and explained the situation. They told us that this was a behavioral issue, and possibly territorial. They said that since we're a two cat family, it sounded as if Sere would do better in a single kitty atmosphere. And they told us to bring her back.

The whole family loaded up in the car, and we all sadly trekked back to the adoption center. Ashton had a really hard time with this decision, but I must say she was a big girl about it. The minute we brought Sere in and put her back in the adoption arena, families that were checking out available pets were swarming over her cage and commenting on her. Ashton was crying and one of the pet consultants handed her a kitten to try to distract her.

yeah. The kitten has come home with us. Our thinking is that maybe the baby kitten won't have the territorial issues since he's so young. The adoption center knows that if he refuses the litter box, then we'll have to bring him back as well, and everybody is good with the outcome of the decision. They didn't try to make us feel bad about returning Sere or anything. They completely understood and told us that they would rather adoptive families return the cat to them rather than turn the kitty out.

So now we have Olivia AND an 8 week old kitten. We're having to reacclimate Olivia to the new kitty. Right now she's regarding him as a tasty snack. And I'm sorry to say that the new kitten seems to be a little on the insane side.

His name is "George" and he really helped the kids accept the sadness of returning Sere.

The best part of the whole situation is that as we were filling out the paperwork on George, Sere got adopted by a family that has no other kitties.

HAPPY ENDINGS ARE GREAT!

**thanks to everyone who had advice on ways to help us keep Sere. It didn't work out, but I do appreciate your help!

Pictures of George coming soon. He's got a loopy look on his face most times. I sure hope the camera picks up his expression....

Free Cat

2007-10-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

Free Cat!

Five months old, extremely affectionate. Loves children, does great with other pets. She's spayed, and doesn't mind having her claws clipped.

New owner must lay down kitty litter throughout the entire house in order to keep this special feline happy. New owner must also be able to tolerate turds on your bed pillows. Kitty believes turds are gifts of love and gives them frequently.

Contact Norman at: itsnorman@gmail.com

Hurry! She'll go fast!

CAT-tastrophe

2007-10-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

Heydi-ho neighbors! As promised, here's pictures of our new family additions!

This would be Olivia. She's a little snooty. She also refuses to stay still for pictures, so this is the best I could do. She's a sweet fuzzy little critter, with the fluffiest tail ever.

And introducing....Sere. (rhymes with Cherry). I put the name 'Callie' out to my kiddos, since that was the most suggested name given, but the kid's decided that since their grandmother's dog is named Callie, that she should be named "Sere", because that's what they'd started calling her. She moved around a lot too while I was trying to take pictures, so that's why part of her ear is missing from the picture. What can I say? I suck at taking animal pictures.

So here's the Cat-tastrophe. We love Sere, but she keeps taking shits where she shouldn't. She gets along GREAT with Olivia, and at first, I thought the dumper was Olivia being pissed off that we brought home a new cat. But nope. I was in my bathroom getting ready for work this last week when I saw Sere digging around on my bed. I thought she looked like she was digging for a poop spot, but didn't believe it until I saw her assume the position.

I had no idea I could run that fast.

I grabbed Sere by the scruff of the neck and launched her towards the litter box. Now - typically, I do not grab animals by the neck and throw them, but then again, I typically do not have cats taking a squat on my bed. Also, the animal shelter had spayed her, and I didn't want to pick her up where her incision is and hurt her. Also, she was taking a shit on my bed and I didn't want her to shit on my bed. Ergo, I grabbed her by the neck. So there.

Anyway, I figured it was a fluke and she was nervous in a new house. Besides, the turds didn't get on my bed, they fell on the floor on her way to the cat box. I cleaned it all up, sprayed some odor eliminator on it, and forbade her access to my room. I also showed her where the downstairs cat box was. She jumped right in and peed. Such a good kitty.

But then last night, she crapped in the game room on the couch. Our NEW couch. The one that (thankfully) has a stain treatment 3 year warranty. But it still pissed me off. So does anyone have any suggestions now for making her use a catbox? Because if this keeps up, she has to go. And Ashton has become extremely attached to Sere. Look at her happy little face:

If anyone has any thoughts or advice, it'd be greatly GREATLY appreciated, because this cat is now on borrowed time. Here are the steps we are currently taking:

We changing the litter. Because we were using the crysal litter in the scoopfree box that scoops automatically. We think maybe she's frightened of the automatic box. So we're reverting to the classic litter box where I can not allow lazyness to take over and will have to manually scoop turds. Face it. I either scoop turds out of a litter box or on my bed. Guess which one I opt for.

Spraying past dump spots with odor eliminator. Don't want her getting any ideas to revisit a makeshift toilet area.

Taking away the two-catbox locations. We did have a catbox upstairs, and then one downstairs. We are closing off the upstairs so they can't use it anymore and making them use the one in the garage. If I have to shut them in the garage for the next week, so be it. They need to get into the habit of using it.

Anyone have anything else to offer?

~SAVE OUR KITTY!!

mini-update

2007-09-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

Thought you guys would like to see a snippet of a little phone conversation I had with my mister today.

I went to Petsmart to get some kitty litter & food for the dogs. This is how my phone discussion went:

Me: Hunny!!
Mister: Yeah?
Me: Ohmygosh!! They have all these cats here for adoptions!
Mister: ok. bring it home

Isn't that cool!? He doesn't even argue with me! We got our kitty Olivia about 3 weeks ago. She's really settled in well. Things are going great. And so stupid me decided to throw another cat into the mix. Now we're busy trying to MAKE them like each other. Have you ever tried to MAKE a cat do anything? And Olivia? That cat's got SERIOUS attitude all of a sudden. This kitty I brought home today is probably one month older than Olivia, but Olivia is the resident Princess, and she won't let our new kitty out of the bedroom

And our new kitty? Well, I just couldn't resist her. She's GORGEEEEEOUS! I've never seen a cat like this. Once I got home, I looked up her markings on the internet. Seems she's what's known as a "Dilute Calico"...blue fur to be exact. Very pretty.

So now we've got Olivia and "Chloe". I think. I keep looking at her, and I don't know if the name Chloe fits. At the adoption center, they said her name was listed as "Serendipity", but shit.....trying saying THAT after you've had a few margaritas. So I renamed her Chloe. My man suggested "Sere" (rhymes with Cherry), and then we both kicked around the name "Sophie" or "Sophia".

And ideas? We're not firm on Chloe....

NAME MY CAT!!! I'll try to get a photo up of her some time time tomorrow (oh heck, and Olivia too), but I want cat names from you guys!!

Norman. the crazy cat lady

Turd Muffin

2007-09-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

Turd muffin. That's what my son called my daughter tonight. A turd muffin. When asked if he knew what a turd muffin was, he described it well enough. I'm happy to report that his description was, "a muffin made out of poops". Gotcha. I understand. So into the corner he went after I wiped his tongue with soap. Damn I'm mean.

I just noticed that the last time I posted was Sunday, and that was when I posted the latest brouhaha over the Hannah Montana tickets. Apparently, the tickets were sold out even BEFORE they were offered online, and people.want.answers. Get over it!!! Ashy did. I find it amazing that a 9 year old is willing to accept that sometimes things don't go the way you want them to, but some parents are still demanding answers! One mother even told the paper that she was working double shifts so she could afford the scalper's prices! Now THAT is a turd muffin.

I don't have a picture of our family's newest addition, a cute little tabby kitty by name of Olivia, but now I'm delaying taking pictures of her. I have fears that Olivia won't make it. Mostly because Avery has decided that she should practice her powder puff technique of tackling on Olivia. Every now and then, Olivia comes tearing downstairs and vanishes under the couch. From upstairs, we hear a very healthy pair of 2 year old lungs belting out: "OOOOOLLLIIVIA!!!!" It reminds me of those old Foghorn Leghorn cartoons where the old Southern Gentleman is calling out, "O Belvedere!!!!! Come hear boy!" So very funny, but I don't think Olivia sees the humor. ('cuz she's a cat and all)

Am I the only person in blog land that feels sorry for Britney Spears? She gave a crappy-ass performance, and the entire world dumped on her, including calling her "fat". Well - she might have given a sorry performance that showed just how inept she was, but the chick is NOT fat. I would LOVE to be fat like her.

ok. I'm in a turd muffin mood and i'm signing out until something more interesting happens to me. (which right now means that it might be a week or two before I post again.) I think I might spend the next couple of days just cruising around blogs and reading what the more interesting people have to say and try to find some inspiration for more entries. The most exciting thing I've been doing lately at night is reading the rants & raves on CraigsList and playing miniature golf on Disney's Toontown. Woot!! (You've GOT to check out the Toontown!)

~Sayanora!

normy!

Well that's some craziness I won't be participating in.

2007-09-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

I know you guys never thought you'd hear ME saying something is too crazy for me... but wait. Listen:

Have you ever heard of Hanna Montana? Or the Jonas Brothers? Hmm... well - if you don't have kids, chances are you might not of. But I have three kids, and they all LOOOOOOOVVE Hanna Montana. Ashy thinks she IS Hanna Montana (or Avril Lavigne, depends on the day. Sometimes she thinks she's Hilary Duff and then I start calling her Sybil and asking her when she thinks she's gonna be Britney Spears cuz then I'm gonna shave her head and then she cries because I'm just so mean, but hey I'm a mom and I can go off on tangents like this).

oops. I digressed.

Anyhoooos, Hanna Montana is coming HERE to San Antonio, and tickets went on sale for the November 12th show on Saturday the 15th. And then they sold out in a matter of 30 minutes. 20,000 seats sold out like POOF!

And I didn't get any tickets.

My name was mud. So being the good mother that I am, I logged onto e-Bay. And being the bad mother that I am promptly logged off when I saw the going rates.

$750.00 for two tickets in the nosebleed section.

I'm not shitting you. That's the low rate. One ticket in the front row is $1350.

I'm not paying that. I showed Ashy and she said she understood, but she had great big crocodile tears in her eyes and I felt about this big.

I hate not being rich at times like this -- but you know what? I want to say that I think if I was rich - - and could have afforded tickets that a family could go to DisneyWorld on for 2 weeks... I STILL WOULDN'T HAVE PAID THAT MUCH.

Great Googly Moogly that's an assload of money for a pre-teen she-spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus. I never even paid money to go see his frickin' mullet top when he was yawping about his achy breaky heart. That had to be the stupidest cheesiest song ever - and it almost made me stop listening to country.

How can people SLEEP at night knowing that the majority of the world cannot afford the price of tickets like that yet still charge for them? Don't they know that more gullible parents had to hawk the family roadster in order to pay for 2 hours of pre-pubescent kids popping boners to Miley Cyrus?

Sheesh.

So - yeah. That's some craziness that I will not participate in. I know that someday Ashy will appreciate it.

MAKE IT STOP!

2007-09-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

Ok. You guys are probably now tired of hearing about "The Spider". This would be the spider that I posted pictures of earlier. The mega-beast that for a while I was scared had plans on my youngest child.

I'm happy to report that the day after posting that picture - the thing took off. Surprisingly - this caused me no small amount of distress....because now...NOW I have no idea where it might be and I'm no longer able to keep tabs on it. You can see how this might bother me. What if the damn thing squeezed into the siding of our house and is even now laying her nasty little eggs for hatching? What if in a few months I have scads of that particular kind of spider scampering through the house? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

My husband was more offended than upset that the thing left. He walked around for a couple days going, "And just WHAT is so wrong with our front porch that it left?? HUH???"

So after finally settling down and numerous forays around the house to see if we could spot it again, I gave up on seeing it and decided that it had moved off into the woods behind our house. Out of sight, out of mind...right? Until - my husband got home.

Now see - you have to understand that my husband is a programmer. And the thing he programs on is a printer. Not just ANY printer, no. This is a GINORMOUS printer. This is a printer that will spit out a billboard-sized picture because it is a billboard printer. And he missed his spider soooooo much - that he printed a picture of it.

Now - luckily - he did not run it full size because honestly - I don't have a billboard sized wall in my house. But the picture he printed is about 5 feet long and 4 feet wide. The spider is now 3 feet big and he's looking for a "suitable place to hang it" I suggested the garage. He suggested the bedroom. I suggested the dumpster, and now the stupid thing is hanging in our pantry. I hate it. I hated it when it was alive and now I hate it when it's BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG.

Go back and look at that picture again peoples. How would YOU feel knowing that a three foot big replica is hanging in your house? I swear our pantry looks like it's owned by the Addams Family.

So that's my news for today. I've got a big ass spider in my pantry, and a husband that won't let me throw it away.

Anyone else want a ginormous picture of a spider?

Such a Lovely Night

2007-09-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

First -

Yet another open letter to the large couple at the Chinese Food Buffet last night:

Shut Up.

So so so so sorry that I offended you last night. But see - you were rude about my children. Therefore, you deserved it.

SO WHAT that my child served herself at the buffet line? The sign CLEARLY stated 6 and younger require an adult. She is NINE. She's short for her age, but is OLD enough by the restaurant rules. Moreover, she did not reach in with her hands, she didn't sneeze on the food, and she used the proper serving utensils when she got her food, which is more than I can say for most adults. I know this because I watched her while she got her food from my seat at the table. And I was very proud of her for her good manners. Which is more than I can say for ya'll.

For you to sit there and remark loudly about how children SHOULD be escorted thru the line really truly pissed me off. And to roll your eyes at my 2 year old because she yelled....ONCE and only ONCE while you were eating. For God's sakes, GET OVER YOURSELVES. My child yelled "MOMMY!!" once before being shushed by us, and reminded to use her indoor voice - which she did immediately after being reminded. I have always been proud of my children's behavior while in restaurants. They behave better than most - let me tell you.

So really - following your snide comments and loud dinner conversation (which -according to my husband's and my observations, you two lead exceedingly boring lives), I really am not very sad that I decided to replay a favorite stand up comedian line of mine:

Louis Anderson and the Chinese Buffet:

"YOU BEEN HERE FOUR HOUR! YOU EAT UP ALL THE BEEF & BROCOWWI!!! YOU GO HOME NOW!"

Of course we laughed and repeated it again. So sorry it pissed you off. But damn - Karma's a bitch ain't it?!

P.s. If you want a kid-free night - avoid buffets. Families with children LOVE buffets because it means we can get our food immediately with no drawn out wait. Pick a different restaurant next time!

***************************************

And talking about how Karma's a bitch - we got our payback paid back to us. That'll teach me to spout off at a buffet by means of making fun of people. So for those of you that disagree with our Louis Anderson quote, read on:

I'm taking steroids right now due to a nasty bout of bronchitis last week. The Prednisone gives me insomnia. So last night....FINALLY about 1am, I was able to fall asleep. At about roughly...1:05, I hear.....

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPTHHHPTT....moooooommmy!!!!

Waaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yep. Puke-fest in the bed.

And puke-fests have a way of stirring up the adrenaline since you're running around at such odd hours doing laundry and changing beds. Everything was fine and dandy until about 2:30. We were all starting to fall back to sleep when. UUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!!!!!! Avery upchucked again - only this time in our bed. About this time, I began feeling very queasy in my stomach, and recalled that Avery and I had shared a meal at the Buffet.

So - some Karmasmic Food Poisoning was in the works there.

But I still don't mind saying:

YOU BIN HERE FOUR HOUR!! YOU GO HOME NOW!

An Open Letter to The Girl in the Bathroom

2007-09-08T10:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Girl,

It's your own fault really. I just went into the stall to take a wee. But you just had to come in and use the one next to me while you were on the phone, didn't you? Don't you know how rude that is? YOU might not care if someone hears you rolling the logs, but I do. I mean - I wasn't dropping kids off at the pool or anything, but the temptation to PRETEND was more than I could contain. If you're going to talk to someone while conducting your business, well - I'll just make it my business to entertain your caller as well.

So for you to make noises of embarrassment while I simulated pushing out the mother of all toilet fish was inconsiderate. What if I really was doing the 'doo? What do you expect when you go into a public restroom while on the phone?

I myself was quite pleased with myself. Sorry that the person you were talking to didn't realize you were in the bathroom and you had to explain where you were.

**********************************************************************

Pssst.....we're going to have a new addition to our family!

Her name is Olivia and she is fuzzy and cute!! My kids don't know yet - so don't tell 'em!! I'll post pics later!

Have a great weekend ya'll!!! SMOOCHES!

Something wicked this way comes

2007-09-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

Damn it. I should have named that frickin' spider "Spot", because then I'd have another MacBeth line to quote for you. You guys remember that spider I showed you, right? Well, it seems ol' Fred, or Fredwina - since it appears she is a female spider - has decided to move residences.

At the time I posted the last post/picture of her, she was happily nested in the trees between my neighbors house (the Asian Karaoeke fanatics) and mine.

This morning, I was presented with this:

Can you see that shit?! That - my dear friends - is MY FRONT WINDOW. Can't see the behemoth spider yet? Awwwwww....here. Let me give you a closer view:

Better? And just for shits and giggles....the side view:

The spider must go.

I am afraid for my children. I think the thing is trying to move itself closer and closer to us in an attempt to take us by surprise. I have a feeling it's webby little plan is to next spin a web across our front door (hey - only 3 feet away) to ensnare one of my children for a tasty little snack.

My husband says I'm being ridiculous. And he has forbidden me from using the fly swatter on it. At any rate - I don't think the swatter is powerful enough for this creature. Wouldja look at the size of it?! Good gracious what a nasty squish that thing would make!

But it really needs to go. Okay. I have to do it. I'm hereby renaming the spider "Spot". Simply so I can say this:

Out, damn Spot; Out I say!

God, I love MacBeth!

Holy roasted marshmallows Batman!

2007-09-02T08:05:00.001-07:00

Attention!!

Due to an unforeseen situation with a flaming marshmallow, one child with a roasting stick, and my hair, I now have a new hairstyle.

It's quite a bit shorter than what I'm used too. Sadly - 6 inches of my hair had to be sacrificed to the scissors.

The only hair style that would work looks a lot like Jenny McCarthy's hairstyle. Of course -- I don't have her body.

I sure hope this grows out soon.

spooky!!! (a semi-ghost post)

2007-08-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

Well now.

I don't have a wee ghostie in my house, but weird things STILL happen. And now it's not JUST ME.

Weird things are now occurring to Avery. I love this stuff. It runs in the family.

Now, do you guys remember me telling you about the time I dreamt about my dead grandmother, then the next day my other grandmother died? Well I did. In a nutshell, for those who don't know, I had an extremely vivid dream of my late grandmother. It was so vivid that I thought it was real. The next morning, I called my mom and told her I had "seen" her mother because the dream felt so real. The feeling I had taken from the dream was that my grandmother was proud of me, and there was an overwhelming feeling of love. When my other grandmother died the next day, my mom told me that because of my dream, she felt my grandmother showed herself to me in my dream to let me know that she'd take care of my other grandmother. They were great friends when they were alive. It was a very comforting thought. However, I hope she isn't offended when I say that I hope I don't see her again any time soon!!

So anyway, my mother told me that her mother (the grandmother I dreamt about), "knew" things. More specifically - she knew when a family member would die. My mother said her intuition on this was uncanny. She would just wake up some mornings, and say "There's going to be a loss today" and sure enough, later on the notification would arrive. So when I tell my mother that I have dreams of relatives and I feel they are very real - she believes me.

Luckily - I don't dream of family members that are passed....often. Not until lately.

Lately - I've been having some extremely vivid dreams of my uncle that died about a year ago. The first dream was quite disturbing because my uncle died unexpectedly. In the dream I had, he was laying in his bedroom with a look of outright terror on his face. I walked into the room and ran right back out (in my dream). I stood outside his room for a minute, then thought, I need to talk to him. So I went back to his room. He was still in his bed with the fear on his face as I explained to him that he was dead and we all missed him. He calmed down somewhat and I woke up.

Since then, I've had a few small (vivid) dreams of him yet. Some of the dreams he looks okay, and other dreams allow me contact with him. The last dream I had of him I just hugged him and told him how much he was missed. These dreams are confusing to me because while I've grown up with the man my whole life, and he's been like a second father to me....we weren't particularly "close". I mean...it's hard to explain - but i DID love him a lot and he was family. It's just hard to explain. Anyway - so it's strange to me as to why I continue to dream about him.

I mentioned this to my mother and she seems to think it's because of 2 reasons. Reason 1: She feels I've inherited the "gift" that my grandmother had, and since I'm receptive to things like this, it's easy for him to come to me and get a message across. and Reason 2: She's also of the opinion that he needs prayers for something, and maybe by coming to me, I'll get the message out to the family and they can pray for his soul. But he's Jewish so I don't know for sure what the whole protocol is for Jewish prayer since I'm Catholic. Very confusing.

But now! Avery is doing it.

When I have these dreams, the only person I really tell about them is my mother. She's the only one that really believes me about this. My dad -- well - we believes me as well - but only because he knew my grandmother and the way she was. So he believes me too ...but I only talk to my mother when I have these dreams.

I've been dreaming of my uncle a lot in the past few days, and apparently I'm not getting the message he wants out enough. Because the other day, Avery got up and first thing out of her mouth was: "Uncle Jerry!" and she started babbling in her 2 year old language that doesn't always make sense. And yesterday she did the same thing. About 30 minutes ago - she asked me about Uncle Jerry. She asked me if he was around. I said no. She said, "No! Uncle Jerry is waaaaay up in the sky but he says HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

When I talk to my mom about Uncle Jerry, Avery is no where around. So it's shocking that she's dreaming about the same person as I am.

And now I'm afraid for my other uncle. Maybe he's here again to let us know that's going to help with my Uncle Johnny. My Uncle Johnny recently had a stroke, and being that he's over 80, his system is failing. His kidney's are shutting down.

I've only met this uncle about 3 times in my life because he lives in the mountains of Vermont and my mother and him were never close. He's considerably older than my mother and besides, he doesn't like to travel. I think my Uncle Jerry might be here to help guide him.

Avery and I will keep you posted...

Wouldja lookee there

2007-08-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

psssst.

see that teeny little pink counter in my sidebar? Did you see it? Did you SEE?

I've passed 100,000 visits to my page.

Wow.

Just....wow

imagine that.

100,000 hits where people know for absolutely certain...100% positively sure ... that I'm an idiot. Is that a bad thing?

*****************************

An observation I made today:

People find the most imaginative ways to wreck their cars. I thoroughly enjoy visiting with them. Especially since I get to ask them WHY they felt the need to wreck their car in that particular manner. I especially like the man that told me it wasn't his fault...the hooker hit the gear shift while she was giving him head...thus causing his car to drop the transmission and ram into the tree.

I think that was his subtle way of saying it was none of my business. I hope.

***************************

Subservient No More asked me a question in my prior comments. She wanted to know if my ghost followed me to San Antonio. I'm happy to report that there have been no signs of the spook thus far.

Unfortunately , this probably means that I will no longer have anything interesting to tell you. Will ya'll still visit me? Cuz if you say no, I'm shutting down. Just warning you guys. So please say you'll still visit.

Also - Subservient wanted to know if my coffee ever showed up from two years ago. It did... here's the post in which we discovered the ectoplasmic coffee.

FINALLY! (a post in which I stick a bunch of pictures)

2007-08-25T09:38:00.001-07:00

Well, a little over month later, my computer has finally been unpacked. WOOHOO!! That means that I now have access to my photo drive. So - I know it's a month later -- but here's a picture of MY HOUSE!! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET! (love that song...)

And here's the backyard. It's a regular forest out there:

And here's part of the downstairs (I don't have the entire house photo'd yet , but this is before we moved in....and my sister on the steps). Oh - by the way - Avery fell down the stairs last night and busted her lip open. :(

We love our house. Not so much the "pet" that came with the house. It's name is Fred. Here it is:

Icky, huh? And it's really really big. Here it is from far away :

I took the second picture. My man took the close up of it -- but I think he used the zoom lens.

OK. That's it for now! We're going to the zoo today!

peace out dudes!

Norman revealed!

2007-08-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

Oh put your panties back on. I'm not really revealed...I'm just going to give you a little background on myself that most of you are not privy to!

Ya ready?!

We all know that I've moved. I quit a job, moved towns, and started a new job blah blah blahbbity blah yadda yadda yadda. I've whined enough about that - you know the story...

But PART of the story as to why I've remained anonymous in here is for two reasons. The first is to protect my kiddos. I've posted enough about them and there are some real sickos out there that I really don't want to post too much info about myself as to become easily identifiable. The second part is because of my former job. It was essential that I not reveal too much about where I worked or what I did because it was a smaller town where I was and I didn't want people pissed off about me when I made fun of them (i.e. The Assblaster)

But - a couple of people that I worked with have stumbled across this blog (Hi Anonymous Farm Wife!) and while I'm sure that they'll protect me and my identity, I'm ready to share a little bit more about what I did....mainly so you can appreciate the huge difference of what I did then to what I do now.

I used to work at a "bomb factory", as Anonymous Farm Wife so fondly put it. It was probably the most interesting and important job that I've ever done - or will ever do. While I didn't actually build bombs, I got to hang out around them (only when i had a need to though!). Pretty interesting stuff I'll tell you. But my function at the ol' bomb factory was fun. I got to work in the intelligence field. And that was where some of my anxieties would fire up. I loved this blog because after seeing some of the info that would rattle through the networks over there, this was a great place to unwind and act stupid and ridiculous and just blow off steam. Believe it or not - beneath my dumbass exterior, I do have a brain, and I must say I did a great job for my employer and the folks up at headquarters as well. I got to meet a former kgb agent, and visited with some higher muckity mucks, all in the name of national security. I'll always remember my time there! Fun stuff, but nerve wracking.

And then, my husband got the job offer here in San Antonio. The offer was enough that it was questionable as to whether I would even need a job or not. However, once we got into the benefits aspect, we decided that I should get a job....just for medical benefits. Which is what I did. But I was ready for a change. Really. Seeing some of the stuff that's happening out there is frightening, and I wanted a change. So now I'm working a behind the scenes job in a HUGE company with lots of people... and I'm having the time of my life!

I think.

Let's see. Instead of counterintelligence awareness campaigns, I now answer phones and pay insurance claims for a living. And I'm sitting in a call center with earphones and a little microphone dilly thing on my head. Awesome!! And last Friday - some guy threatened to sue me, just because I answered the phone! I've never had a complete stranger yell at me on the phone before, and I must say I was pretty good about not taking it personally. In fact, when he told me he was going to sue me, I spelt my name for him so he would get it right on the lawsuit papers.

Now, since I'm new and technically still in training, me and the little group of people that started with me having roving helpers that walk around and come to us when we need help. Hearing this irate man on the phone triggered me to pop out of my chair like a jack in the box and wave my hands around to get their attention. The whole time I was trying to placate the jerk on the other end of the phone. Seeing my distress signal, the helper (who just happens to be my instructor) came to my phone, and plugged in his headset to mine. This enables him to hear the conversation, but not talk to the person on the other end. HOWEVER - he can give me prompts as to the correct things to say. He plugged in when the man threatened to sue me for the third time. Hearing the threat, my instructor nudged me, and I turned around, expecting to have a notepad full of useful advice. What I got was a grown man making moose antlers on his head, crossing his eyes, and sticking his tongue out at me. Niiiiiiiiice.

"Hey! Didja hear me!!?? I want my goddamned claim paid, and I want my check NOW! I've told you once, and I'll tell you again! I'm going to sue you, your company and anyone else who's had contact with this claim!!!!!!!"

BONUS!! He just moved on from me and the company to "anyone else who's had contact with the claim".

I smiled sweetly at my instructor as I offered his name to the jerk on the other end of the phone. And watched as the moose antlers slowly deflated and my instructors jaw went slack. Now I was making the moose antlers and crossing my eyes. This job is sooooo much freaking fun. I had no clue !!

And then today, while I was trying to convince a customer about the benefits of our website and all the things he could find online - he interrupted me and asked me if he could "get some nookie on the site". Then this man--- who happens to be in his mid-30's, broke out in a surfer laugh..that's the only way I can describe it... and repeated his question to me while I tried to answer it in the most professional manner possible. I think I failed miserably. I just couldn't HELP myself! Besides, if someone is going to call in with statements like that, they deserve the responses I'll give them.

Let's just say that I was removed from the phones shortly after that phone call.

I sure hope I get to keep my job there.

Stuck in a rut again!

2007-08-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

Well.

You'd think I would have plenty to blog about seeing as how I've moved towns, bought a house, started a new job, met new people...blah blah blah.

But no.

You'd also think that since my husband's grandmother has been living with us for the past week and plans to stay 2 more weeks would give me PLENTY to blog about... but no. Actually - I think that is the CAUSE of this blogger's block.

So I was farting around at Tammy's blog, and she was playing a little game. It looked like ever so much fun. I don't think she'd mind if I stole it, do you? After all - she stole it from her blogger friend....

But it only works if you actually PARTICIPATE. If you read her post -- you'll see what I mean. I almost peed myself a couple of times. It's called the "I wish" game. She was also nice enough to offer an example of how to play:

The ‘I Wish Game’ originally brought to us by Kristine.

Here’s how it goes: The person above you in the comment section makes a wish (”I wish I had a banana!”), and then the person below grants your wish, and then wishes something else, but here’s the fun part: Your wish is messed up!

Example:

Bucky Four Eyes—-I wish I had a banana.
Hippo—-Granted, but the banana tastes bad. I wish I had a ticket to a concert.
Susie—-Granted, but it’s a Barney concert. I wish….

OK? Got it? And if you need to -- go check out how the game is played at Tammy's. CLICK HERE!!

Ready? I'll start it off:

I wish I didn't have blogger's block!

SOMEBODY had a case of the Monday's today

2007-08-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

Geez. Want to hear about my day- 'O'- fun? You do?! Well - gee, you must if you are reading this stupid blog!

It started like this:

I got my lazy butt out of bed after staying up until 2 am watching "Zodiac". Pretty interesting little movie there - let me tell you. But anyway - the point is: I was TIRED. Very Tired. So I dragged my way to my car and left for work. I was sitting at the stop light about 1 mile away from my house, when i saw a cop pulling over some guy coming in the opposite direction.

Nothing earthshattering...just some poor slob getting a ticket. He signaled he was pulling over, and ended up parallel to me. I had my windows open since it was nice and coolish this morning and he glanced over at me. I managed a sympathetic look and checked the light again. Still red.

Looking back over at the man, he was still facing my way while sitting calmly and waiting for his ticket. What a shitty way to start the day. Or so he thought. Things swiftly bottomed out for this man.

APPARENTLY the cop did not have his morning donut yet - because he exited his car - DREW HIS GUN - and started approaching the guy's car. "HEY!" he yelled, "HEY! OUT OF THE CAR. DOWN ON THE GROUND. NOW!"

The man's head whipped around. He looked at the cop, he looked at the gun, he looked back at ME (I'm looking for the quickest way outta the OK Corral), and started yelling back to the cop. "IT'S COOL MAN! IT'S COOL! I AIN'T DONE NOTHING!"

"DOWN ON THE GROUND......NOW!!!" And the cop approached him with his gun drawn, arm stiff.

By now - myself and everyone else at the light are riveted with fear and morbid curiousity to see out this would all play out. We were STUCK. So was that guy. Then the light changed, and everyone hit the gas while simultaneously grabbing their cell phones to call their friends and tell them about the drama.

As I drove away - I checked my rear view mirror and saw the man diving out of his car and biting the ground.

Man.

Sucks to be him today.

It’s all fun & games until someone gets my foot up their ass

2007-08-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

As promised – here are the answers for the following people who are dedicated and respond to my posts. (to all: please read the censure that is creeping into my tone)

Freak – The top bedroom with the gnarly window blinds are mine. But remember: if the blinds are a rockin’ don’t come knockin’…cause me and the mister might be playing….tiddly winks. My new job is going like gangbusters, but I’m in a 6 week long training course and I’m on week 3. I’m really eager to get to the nuts and bolts of the whole thing!

Lynn – Nope. No sign of the wee ghostie. For which I’m immensely relieved. The reason is because if he/she/it had shown up, I would have had to admit that I must really be, certifiably insane.

Lisa – The mister and I are now officially broke. Here is the short list of some of the things we’ve purchased since moving here: A new stainless steel dishwasher, and then, because I’m a snob & everything must match, a new stove, over the range microwave, and fridge. Then we bought two armchairs, and an accent piece, and a television cabinet for the kids upstairs playroom. Then we bought a projection tv and some other odds and ends. I’m not allowed to hold the debit card anymore because it’s still hot from lack of funds and over-use.

Subservient – I’m glad to be back too!!! When did you change your name!?

Charlotte – Thanks!! It’s going better now since I siliconed in the shower stall to prevent any further leaks!

So those are the answers to the last post.

Now – for the new stuff!

Remember when I told you about my neighbor in Amarillo that I believed to be a drug-running murdering underworld figure? No? Well – maybe that’s because I deleted the post about 2 hours after I wrote it. I was too chicken to leave it up for fear that I would become his next victim.

But all is well now since I’ve moved and I have new neighbors who are inherently more normal than what I left…right? I mean: in theory – that’s a nice thought.

Well – Saturday night I was subjected to my new next door neighbor inviting 50 of his closest friends over for an all night long get together involving karaoke. And not just any karaoke. Oh no. Couldn’t be simple like that.

It had to be: ASIAN KARAOKE.

And they were no good!! I had no idea what the HELL they were singing. Oh sure – the background music was funky in a good sort of way. Don’t get me wrong. But the singers! Oh my God! At first I thought someone was mudering a cat in the backyard. But sing they did, and with gusto. Until 5 am in the morning. I swear I even heard the Oriental version of “Achy Breaky Heart” (No – I do NOT recommend this selection if you ever get the urge to sing karaoke in Thai).

So looks like I exchanged the sinister, scary drug-runner with the jovial, amateur Chinese glee club. I can’t decide which one I preferred.

But hey! Let’s look on the bright side. At least now I’ll have stuff to blog about for you guys!
NORM!

Howdy Howdy HOWDY!

2007-08-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

Hey Sports Fans!

So what's been going on in Blogland while I've been gone? I've had LOTS happening over here! I started my new job, sold our old home, bought our new home, moved into my new home, and just last week - moved our children into our new home!

I think I wanna send them back to Amarillo.

I swear! They are running around being hooligans. It's awful. I missed them so much, but got thru the missing them bit by pretending they were all at camp. But now they're back and I guess they just missed us and it's a huge change and they are going to act out and all. But a small terrible part inside me is just wishing I could have had a few more days to try to settle the last of our junk into a new place.

Oh well ... we'll survive. They are actually behaving much better today.

So - on to the house stuff! We've been in here a total of two weeks - and last night we found a water leak!

#$%$%#&%!!

Now why the hell can't I ever find a house without frickin' water issues? Our last house DRAINED us of $12,000 worth of plumbing repairs....

But then we discovered that Ashton had taken a shower and managed to splash half of the water OUTSIDE the shower door, which made it thru a crack in between the tile and shower stall and then to the dining room below.

So - my first repair ever in my house: Silicone barrier on bathroom floor.

Looks like I might have to paint the ceiling in the downstairs dining room now since there seems to be a light tan spot now where the water came through.

Anyway - that's my update for now. I realize it's not up to the caliber you guys were probably expecting so let's make this fun!

What do you want to know about the last month...I'll tell ya!

The Question Floor is now open. Let's get the ol' Norman Blog back to it's former glory(?)!!!

a post!

2007-07-30T21:40:00.001-07:00

"patience is a virtue"

ADIOS! (until Thursday)

2007-07-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

Ok my peoples. I've gotten a couple of comments on this blog about my silence, and about a bazillion e-mails from well-wishers.

We're moving in to our new house (have been since Saturday), and we won't have cable access (or internet access) until Thursday!

I just dropped by my sister's to check e-mail and read about 15 messages of "WHERE ARE YOU!?"

So, I'll be back online Thursday...but then I'm travelling back up to Amarillo to get my childrens!! I miss them so much!

So - stay tuned Normaneers, and don't forget- I have to read my Harry Potter book as well....

Norman's Top Five Most Embarassing Moments: #5

2007-07-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate getting embarrassed? Even the word embarrassed sounds embarrassing. Look at it:

em BARE ASS ed

Just let it all hang out baby.... you're em BARE ASSed.

I was thinking today about embarrassing moments I've had throughout my life. There was no particular reason for thinking of the embarrassments, but I was dwelling on it. Then I thought....hey - this might make for some fun posts. I was going to do the top ten...but honestly - I'm pretty hard to embarrass, so you'll have to settle for five. Deal with it. I know I am.

But to start it off, I'll give you the Fifth most embarrassing moment of my life

The Hummer

All right. I can tell you guys are right now in a tizzy thinking I'm going to be talking about this kind of Hummer (reference: definition #1), but I'm not. I'm talking about the CAR.

Waaaaaay back in the 90's, Hummer's were showing up as "civilian's vehicles", after the government was thru with their military service. So when these Hummer's were coming back from the Gulf, the government was removing the specialized accessories and selling them to the public.

Now, San Antonio has a TON of military bases here, and we were always seeing "exhibits" of military paraphenalia hanging around town. We could climb on them, play on them, all sorts of crap. No big deal. It was a blast.

So one day, my sister and I were walking out of the grocery store when we saw one of the Hummer's back...fresh from the Gulf. It still had the camo paint job on it, and had chock blocks under the wheels (cause apparently, the brake systems on these things were for shit). Excited to finally see one up close, we walked up to it and cased it out. Noticing that the door was unlocked, I excitedly pulled it open and climbed on in. Gleefully, I grabbed hold of the steering wheel, and making motor sounds with my mouth, bounced around like I was driving over some pretty rough terrain.... BRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA....BBBROOOOOOOOMMMM...(yeah, I was in my early twenties at this point.)

My sensible older sister was hovering around outside checking out the vehicle, when a man came up and watched us.

"Hi!" he said, amicably.

"Hi!!!" I replied, "BRAAAAAAAAAOOOOOMMMMMMM!!! VAAARROOOOM!!!!"

"Would you please get out of my car?" was his polite request

"whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa????" was my intelligent reply, while I looked for my sister.

I saw her. She was standing by MY car laughing her frickin' ass off.

Apparently, (and I'm sure you guys have now figured this out faster than I did) this was NOT an exhibition car. It was a private car, and I got kicked out.

So. Very. Embarrassing.

Stay tuned for the Fourth Most Embarrassing Moment in Norman's Life at a later time!

p.s. I'm sure every single one of you will want to know that I have found THE PERFECT HOUSE! I put an offer on it Sunday.... and they ACCEPTED! WOOT! We close on July 2oth. I sure hope my husband likes it because he hasn't seen it yet!!! AHHAHAHAHAAAA!

OK FINE. Here's your DAMN POST

2007-07-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

Since Freak is crackin' the whip over me, (which doesn't mean I don't necessarily love whip-cracking), here's a brief update on my very favorite subject: Me.

I'm still looking at houses. I either find a house that I love from pictures, but get there and find out that the prior owners liked sacrificing chickens in the house, or I find a beautiful house that is in an unacceptable neighborhood (i.e. bad schools or no yards...)

I'm in a snit that I haven't find THE HOUSE yet. So let's move on to other subjects.

Apparently - Eva Longoria got married. Also - she lives here in San Antonio. This is a little factoid I was not previously aware of. (Yes, i DO walk around with my head up my ass thankyouverymuch)

Now - San Antonio has some very beautiful and historic areas and San Antonio was hoping that Ms. Longoria would do the nuptial thingie HERE.

That was not in her plan. She got married in gay Pareeeeeeee. OOOOO la la!!!
This little elopement of hers pissed off the San Antonio columnists. I present to you, the response by the San Antonio Express News Staffers to her absconding to have her very own dream wedding.

Click the damn link below and laugh your ass off with me. I've already watch the stupid thing 8 times.

Eva Longoria's Wedding - Using dolls...

ok. Didja watch it? Didja piss your pants?

Norman!

HI!!!!! Remember me?!

2007-07-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

Hi my babies!

Sorry I've been such a terrible blog-host lately. I've had a little dose of life being thrown at me really fast lately.

Some interesting things I've seen in the past week:

A Haitian-looking guy walking down the street at 7:00am with a suitcase in each hand and three boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts balancing on his head.

A blind transvestite hooker with his/her guide dog

A bunch of assorted Emos

Five feet of floodwaters cascading past my sister's house, forcing me to drive 10 miles around the crossing when her house was visible from the floodwaters

and....

25 toads getting it on in the small hand-made pond in my sister's back yard

See? I may be busy, but I still take time to observe the things around me. And those things....were all blog-worthy in their own right - except that they've happened and now I've forgotten all the events that led up to them. I'm ADD that way.

So - my new job at the VLC is so very cool. It took them FOUR DAYS to cover all the benefits that will be mine now that I've joined up. FOUR DAYS. InCREDible. I'm extremely happy, and I think I will be staying there for quite a while...unless my former brother in law gets me fired, that is.

My sister decided to tell me on the day before I started that her ex-hubby worked there. HOLY CRAP! I haven't seen/talked to that sorry piece of dogshit since the day he walked out on my sister, which is probably a good thing because for sure I'd be going to hell with what I'd tell him.

But nope, he works at the VLC. AND, so does his little homewrecker that he married 10 days after their divorce was final.

Norman will have to be on her best behavior when it comes to those two. The good news is that it will be unusual to run into him or her because there are well over 14,000 employed there. The bad news is that, the longer I stay there, the more likely it is that our paths will cross.

And the even badder news is that even if our paths cross, I'll have to be all nice to him and everything because the gossip we've heard is that the guy was just diagnosed with liver cancer. So I can't be mean to him.... sucks to be me.

But - HEY! I'm alive, and I'm wondering what all YOU guys have been up to! And don't worry if you don't hear from me too much in the next few weeks. Our closing on the house has been moved up from August 15th to July 13th. WE'RE HOUSE HUNTING!

I'll post pics of my new house as soon as we buy it!

NORM!

HOLY SHNIKES!!

2007-06-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

Ok,

I haven't quite answered any of my comments below, but I'll get to it in a bit. For now, I'm freaking out because my best friend made the front page of the Amarillo newspaper.

In fact, it deals with my old work, AND I'm directly involved in the whole story. I'm not mentioned, but he told me that the reporters might be calling me for my side of the whole thingie.

Looks like I got out at a good time!!

Damn Sam.

And speaking of Sam, did ya'll notice that Sam I Am commented on my last post!? HI SAM I AM YOU HOT STUD YOU!!! Congrats on 24!

normie