Friday, March 30, 2007
Spider: 1 Norman: 0
Oh yes my babies...

There's a spider loose in my back room.

Fucker got away.

And it's BIG. HUGE!!!!

See, I was in my beloved back room...the media room some of you might say, when I noticed a slight movement off to my right. I glanced over, and saw the hairy thing skedaddling up the bookcase. Horrified, I watched it in terror, because WHAT IF it concocted a silky strand of spider butt-floss and bungeed its way over to me? So I watched it. Then I very very slowly backed away from the computer, and cautiously backed up out of the room. I was looking for something to mash the living crap out of it. But sadly - in the frenzy of keeping my house showroom-neat for any potential buyers, any and all spider-mashers are out of sight.

I peered back into the back room, and saw it meander in back of my computers. Back where there are a kajillion power cords plugged into the wall in a fire-hazard configuration. BLAST!

"Norman!!! OH Norman!! heeeheheheheeee (demonic little laugh). It's me!! Mr. Spider!! I'm hiding from you....and tonight, when you go to sleep I'm going to crawl into your ear and bite you!!!! MWAAAHHAHAHAAAA!!! You can't get me Norman, I'm hidden in the power cords and you'll never be able to find me. But don't worry about finding little ol' me... because I'll find YOU!! AAAAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAA!!"

It's truly an evil spider.

I returned to the kitchen and dug up a flashlight and a potato masher.

Activate Plan B:


"What is it mommy?"

"Hey little buddy! See that power strip on the floor there?"


"Can you jiggle it for me?"

"OK... Mommy, why are you standing way back there with a flashlight?" (he jiggles the strip)

"Well, there's a big hairy spider back there, and I'm hoping he'll pop out. When he does, I'll rush in with this spider-masher and squish it!!"

----this is where my son jumps about 2 feet in the air, and mildly concusses himself when he conks his head on the underside of the computer desk.

"Moooooommmmmmmmmmyyyyyy!!!!" he squealed, "how big is the spider?!!"

"oh..yeah - he's a big one. But YOU'RE bigger than he is, so just reach your hand under there and jiggle cords....don't be worried, I've got a spider-masher..."

"That's a potato squisher. I saw you make smashed potatoes the other day with that!" he leveled an accusatory glare at me.

Meanwhile, Ashton heard the whole exchange and is now perched on top of one of the bar stools. She swears that she is never coming down. Ever.

And the spider is laughing. I could hear it chuckling quietly. It's hidden.

Activate Plan C...

"Hey Ashton...come here and...."

"No. " she said.

About this time, my mother let herself in to my house. She lives about 2 blocks away, so the "pop-in" is inevitable.

"What are you doing?" she said. "MOMMY!!! Help me!! There's a big spider in here. I saw it crawl back here, and we're trying to make it come out so I can hit it with this!" I yelped, brandishing the potato masher.

"Oh. Forget it. It's gone now. You'll never find it." She turned to leave. "MOM!! DON'T LEAVE!! HELP!!"

"You'll find it later, have your husband help you when he gets home... gotta go - bye!"

What?? She just got here, and now she's LEAVING without even TELLING me what she came by for? What's up with that!? a HA! I'm guessing that she too is afraid of spiders but tries to act like she isn't.... ha. I'm on to her..... order to make a long story short (too late, I know but hey - this story could go on and on), I tore apart my back room and that little shit is GONE. It's hiding somewhere and I am now cowering in the front room trying to calm down. My hubby is trying to fly home, but all the flights out of the Dallas/Ft Worth airport are majorly delayed, and he just called to tell me that they have now pushed his 8:20pm flight back to midnight. I'm thinking he's not going to be able to make it home, which means that spider has won this battle. By the time he gets home, he'll be too tired to help me pull the wainscoting off the wall to find the bugger.

And then the news just gets worse from there. That frickin' spider has JINXED me!! I called back the Very Large Company, and they told me that I must take some assessments before I can be brought in for an interview. So the recruiter e-mailed the first assessment to me, I completed it and sent it back to her. These assessments must be completed within 48 hours. I spoke to her this morning, and she said I scored very well on my first assessment, so she was going to send me the 2nd assessment. Again... I must complete this assessment within 48 hours. So I got home tonight, and after the Great Spider Hunt concluded, I fired up the old laptop and settled in to take the assessment. Only...when I logged in, instead of saying "Welcome Norman" like it did last night, it had some other person's name in there.

My 48 hours to complete the assessment expires at noon on Sunday, and she doesn't go back to work until Monday. I called the help desk, and they told me to e-mail her a description of the problem I was experiencing.

I'm thinking I'm pretty much screwed. Not even hired on yet, and I'm already causing the issues. They'll never want to hire me now..... *sniff sniff*

Fucking Spider.


oh, and PS. I haven't changed out my links yet, but those of you who responded that you want to be added to my blog links, I'll get to it sometime this weekend!!! PROMISE!
posted by Norman at 6:12 PM | Permalink |


  • At Saturday, March 31, 2007 6:48:00 AM, Blogger Michael

    Funny Spider story...

    Take Care

  • At Saturday, March 31, 2007 8:54:00 AM, Blogger Lisa

    Where was my warning that this was going to be another hysterical Norman story and not to try to drink HOT coffee while reading it!?!? Huh? Where I ask you?

    Hehe... heeee-sterical girl!!!

    And don't worry about the assessment. Do it with the wrong name, email her and tell her you got the one with the wrong name, and log when you take it and sumbit it. It'll all work out!

  • At Saturday, March 31, 2007 9:00:00 AM, Blogger Linda and Denny

    There must be something in the air. I upgraded the firmware in my wireless router yesterday and it took me 4 hours to get back online this morning. I don't THINK I have a spider!

    Do ya think your wee ghostie is a shapechanger?

  • At Saturday, March 31, 2007 9:25:00 AM, Blogger Freak Magnet

    I think spiders are like dogs in that they can smell fear, which must be why none of them bother me.

  • At Saturday, March 31, 2007 9:40:00 AM, Blogger Norman

    Michael - it's not that funny when it happens to YOU. seriously dude...

    Lisa - I'm supposed to post warnings? Well, I got a call-back from the assessment people, and they told me not to take the assessment, but to call the Very Large Company and explain the situation. I hope it's ok.

    Linda - Oh great. You just HAD to mention the ghostie...huh?

    Freak - well then...get down here and annihilate the damn thing for me. I mean it.

  • At Saturday, March 31, 2007 2:58:00 PM, Blogger Leonesse


    Didn't your mother warn you about Freak Magnets?

    Maybe the spiders know something you don't.

  • At Saturday, March 31, 2007 4:03:00 PM, Blogger little miss

    Spiders are horrible awful terrible things. When I find them I stick clear glasses over them. I currently have 2 trapped in my bedroom with a glass turned upside down on top of them. I keep hoping they'll fight to the death so that I don't have to worry about killing them myself . . . it's been three days and no spider-match yet! One can only dream . . .

  • At Saturday, March 31, 2007 4:03:00 PM, Blogger little miss

    PS- will you add me to your links?
    I am
    Thanks Norman!

  • At Sunday, April 01, 2007 1:59:00 PM, Blogger Aric Blue

    Funny story, and I totally identify. I used to be terrified of spiders, but now I'm more ambivelent.

    I like to drop yellow pages books on them. Just me.

  • At Thursday, April 12, 2007 9:16:00 AM, Anonymous Stacie

    Doesn't it just figure? I bet it had the spider's name on it...

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