Tuesday, January 31, 2006
My brain. It's melted.
My brain has melted. I can feel it squishing around in my head. I just BOMBED an algebra test. Stupid algebra. Stupid me for not understanding algebra.

Now because of algebra I have absolutely nothing to blog about. I couldn't pull a post out of my butt right now since my brain is so melted. Pisses.me.off. Royally.

I really like blogging though - so I thought, let's play a game. (Cause this is all my melted brain can come up with. Pitiful - huh?)


I'm going to give you a quote from a movie - you name the movie.

Here's an example

"Son, you got a panty on yore head"

Obviously - that's from "Raising Arizona" One of my all time favorite movies.

Ready? Let's so who can guess....

"Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to god, one of these days, I-I-I-I just kick this piece of shit out the window."

First person to guess that correctly gets to do the next quote!

***edited to add - ***

Type your quote in the comments!

By the way - see my little Frappr square in my sidebar? Please click on it and tell me where you are... lurkers too!! I feel like the biggest nerd in blogger land right now since I have no friends that are clicking on it. (and - yes - I may be the biggest nerd, but I don't have to be a LONELY nerd, now do I? Be nice & make me look like I have blogger friends!!)
posted by Norman at 7:51 PM | Permalink | 21 comments
Monday, January 30, 2006
New Year Wishes
I just looked at my calendar. The Islamic New Year started at sundown today. Oh joy. Oh Yippee Ki Yay.

So with that in mind, I have some New Year Wishes in mind for bin Laden and al-Zawahiri. Really!! New Year Wishes ya'll!!

Ok.. ready? My New Year wishes for both of you are:

That you DON'T die. Because we all know that dying would be a wonderful occurrence for you. You want to die because then you are MARTYRS!! Instead, I would like you to be confined in a room with...99 non-virginal women who are all on their period - simultaneously. But I don't stop my wish there. I wish that they are all gorging on baby back ribs, dripping with pork grease, of which they blatantly drip on YOU. I also envision you mistakenly eating some foods that have been fried in pork grease. Oooooo yeah. Tastes good, doesn't it?


I have one other wish for you:

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

Now if I could just translate this page into Farsi. I would be sooooo happy!

Feel free to add wishes of your own below!

pissed-off Norman
posted by Norman at 6:21 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Sunday, January 29, 2006
What the hell is Choleric?
Choleric?? I thought that was a disease?

Anyway - this was totally stolen from Cori. Go check her out! In fact, I think I might just go add her to my links now. I read her all the time...

You Have a Choleric Temperament
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.
What Temperment Are You?
posted by Norman at 7:34 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Anybody? Some Help?
I'm looking for help.

Does anyone have a recipe for HOMEMADE Mac and Cheese?


I'm looking for a tried & true recipe. One that you've made yourself & know is good. I could look on the internet and find a recipe, but that doesn't tell me if it's good or not. I made a batch of mac & cheese off a recipe I found online and it tasted like Mac & Shit.

So - do you have one? Aside from a packaged mix? (and don't tell me to get the Velveeta one either.... or the generic brand or ANY packaged mix... ha! I know some of you all to well!!! )

posted by Norman at 2:50 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Saturday, January 28, 2006
A Two-fer!
Who watches "The Ghost Whisperer"? Anyone? I watched it last night for the first time. Big Mistake. It freaked.me.out. I've never seen this before - and now I think I'm going to HAVE to watch it now. There is sooooo much on there that parallels stuff that is happening here. By the way - I had a comment on my "Ghost Post" link.

Sylvie said:

"Norman,You do realize that the ghost may not be tied to your present house but to the land or to an earlier dwelling, right? The ghost in my dad's house (Connecticut) was from the colonial period long before any houses stood on that ground. He was really facinated by indoor plumbling too."

Well, now that just freaks me out. I did have a shaman lined up to come visit my house, but then he told me that a shaman DOES NOT clear houses. Shamans are for spiritual well-being, as in "self". Not "house". I need a psychic. BUT! He did tell me that he would speak with his mentor "Patricio" who just might be able to help....

But as for Sylvie - you seem fairly knowledgeable, give the way you phrased your question to me. You wrote that the same way I speak to my kids sometimes: "You do know that I'll beat your hiney if you pour honey on your sister's head, right?" So... Sylvie - can you offer me anymore insight to why my house is the way it is?

Let me give you some stuff to chew over:

This is not the first time I've dealt with unexplained stuff. And - according to my mother, the women in our family sometimes just seem to "know" stuff. For instance, my grandmother would sometimes get up first thing in the morning, and say "Someone is going to die today". And someone always would. A family member that is. Freaky, huh?

I've had weird things happen around me before. When I was a kid (and this is just one instance), we had a keyrack that hung on the wall. One morning, my mother went to grab the keys, missed them, and we all (my sister, my mother & I) watched the keys fall down behind the drysink in the breakfast room. Cursing (heh... that's where I get it!), my mother pulled the drysink away from the wall to retrieve the keys. They weren't there. And we never ever found them. That was pure craziness. For all I know, those keys are STILL falling through some sort of a cosmic paranormal time warp that I never want to visit.

As for the "Ghost Whisperer" last night, there was one scene in that show that really threw me for a loop. There was a part in the show, where a man dressed from head to toe completely in black was sitting in a chair. Even his face was covered in black. That whole scene gave out ominous overtones to me, given that he never spoke, he just sat there and observed. Then the camera changed angles to show that "he's not seen" by everyone and the shoplady/person that was in the store was glancing around with a look on her face that clearly read "I feel something... something/someone is here because I feel a presence." I know that feeling. I feel it everyday. Now - I'm not a dork and I don't believe that there's a black-suited man sitting in my house wearing a ghostly ski-mask, but can someone explain to me the presence I feel??

Apparently Ghost Whisperer is based on a real life woman. That's why the show is freaking me out. If I knew it was a work of fiction, I would shake it off, laugh and say "Freaky!" But no, I'm not shaking it off, and laughing.. I am however - saying "FREAKY".

I also know that you guys are amused by my ghost, but let me also tell you. I don't find it too amusing when I can't even stay home alone for 15 minutes before the fear overcomes me. This is a real situation, and it's really hard to find someone to help me, especially in this Bible-Belt town. I'm worried that I'll have a buncha Baptists standing outside my house with burning torches & pitchforks yelling "heretic!" (or whatever Baptists would yell at a person trafficking with the supernatural). For sure they'll tell me I'm going to hell....

So Sylvie - do you have any insights for me??!!

(hey... should I put this under my ghost posts? It IS technically, a ghost post I suppose but it's not the typical one.)

posted by Norman at 3:57 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Thank you IRS!
Yes, you heard me correctly!! THANK YOU!

With our refund, we are now currently planning -- a trip for five to Disneyland!! WWOOOOOFUCKINGHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

With our refund, we are also planning on playing catchup on a couple of bills. YESSSSSS!! I really do LOOOVE to itemize my taxes! We've deducted EVERYTHING! In fact, I'm still waiting on three more deductions to come in. I plan on deducting all the doctor co-payments that we've paid this past year, and all our prescriptions. I just need to get a printout from all the doctors and the pharmacy.

posted by Norman at 12:01 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Didja miss me??!

I had a quick little road trip to Albuquerque to make. You know, it's amazing how quickly a 250 mile trip will go when you don't have to stop at every single McDonald's along the way. I had so much fun. I got to relive my youth! Ahhhhhh - no kids in the car, peace & quiet until..... I dug out my Guns & Roses CDs. All of them! I was flying down the highway, and I had the stereo cranked up. I had forgotten how much I loved Mr. Brownstone, and Night Train. So I jacked the volume up a little more, and just about died of bliss when "Sweet Child of Mine" came on. I was so cool. Until (always gotta be an "until", huh?) I noticed the truckers were laughing at me. No lie. There were laughing AT me, not WITH me. You see, I had passed a caravan of sorts. There must have been about 20 of them in a line, and I just be-bopped by them on the road. With about 6 trucks left to pass, I noticed that one of them was waving his hand out the window with the old "Rock & Roll" sign. You know - pinky finger & index?? hmmm. Next truck up - the driver is waving & laughing... next truck... I can hear the airhorns blaring. I turned my radio down and started peering up in the cabs. They are cracking up. And then I got to thinking. Dear Lord. I must look like an idiot! Let's do a run down of what they are seeing: A 30-something year old woman in a bright yellow SUV with car seats in the back ... headbanging and singing. Yeah. I'm not so cool now. So I calmed it down and continued on in a more sedate manner. I turned down the stereo and continued singing - just not so "enthusiastically". But now I can hear myself sing, and I am TERRIBLE. I sound like Axl Rose... after he's sucked helium. It's that bad. I popped out the GNR and put in an Enya CD.

I was running through some of the comments that were made while I was gone, and I found an interesting one... wait - all the comments are interesting - what I meant was, a slight derogatory one! What....fun....I get to reply in a post since this is my blog!!

Dear Anonymous.

I'm so sorry you found the content of this post objectionable.

First - I would like to tell you that I am not the original author of that joke. Therefore, I wouldn't like to alter out the curse words since that wouldn't be fair to the original author. If he wrote it that way - that's the way he wanted it to be. I just posted it as I received it. I didn't write it.

Second - I have never declared this blog to be a non-curse word zone. I swear all the time in this blog. I don't mind that you came and visited, and I don't mind that you posted a comment. I LOVE comments. You have every right to post what you want in here. Just like I do....
I wouldn't call that a Rated R post. I'll agree with PG-13 though! In fact - I think I'll go ahead & put a rating on this entire blog of PG-13.

So just be aware, that there will be cussing and posts about drinking & farting. Otherwise -- WELCOME!

Also - I would like to tell everyone that while I may cuss on this blog I do not do not do not expose my kiddos to that kind of language. In fact, it may surprise you that these are some of the no-no words in my house:

Shutup - Bad word. Under no circumstances is this word allowable. The correct way to tell someone to shutup is to say "Hush" "Be Quiet" or "Stop Talking Please"

Fart - Bad word. The correct terms are (in no particular order) toot, gas, tootie, shewie, stinker, stepped on a bug, poot

Stupid - We just don't use this word. period

Dumb - see "Stupid"

Butt - Bad Word. The preferred synonyms are: Hiney, bottom, tush, keister, bo-bo, fess, duff.

See?? Strict - aren't I?

Oh well. The kids will cuss. I'm not stupid. I've already caught Ashy using the word "fart". But at least that's the extent of her "cussing" for now. (She had to write "I will not say fart" 100 times)

Ok. That's enough posting for me for now! I screwed up one of my nails while I was in Albquerque, and everytime I type it hits the key and tries to pop off. I need to go find some superglue!

Peace Out Ya'll!

posted by Norman at 7:30 PM | Permalink | 20 comments
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Embarrassing but what the hey - here it is:
I have to go to Albuquerque tomorrow, so I thought I would leave you guys with this. I know you'll love it... a ghost post.

For you new people who don't know about my ghost, click on the blinkie in my sidebar, you'll get the listing of all the 'ghost posts'...

Now, this one is embarrassing for me, but what the hell. I don't know you guys. You guys don't know me, and this is the blogging world, right? We're supposed to be able to spill our guts out to complete & utter strangers without batting an eye. I mean - seriously - would you really walk up to people you don't know in the street and say "Let me tell you about this farting contest my husband & I had last night... " (yeah - see last post)

Anyway, On with the occurrence!

I was on my way home from work when I got a call from my husband. "Hello! We're all on the way to my parent's, so we'll see you when you get home from school" uhhhhhh - "That's great hunny. Don't you remember that I hate being home alone?" "Well, but it's daylight, and I thought it was just nighttime that you don't like...." his voice trails off as he starts to realize that OOPS I'm scared of ghosts at ANYTIME during the day. "That's all right - I'll just run in and grab my books and go. Have a great time ." (I'm being sarcastic - I avoid my in-laws at all expense)

So herein I make mistake number 1

I drink a 20 oz coke on my way home. It's a 35 mile drive. By the time I got home - my bladder is FULL. Now I don't need to just venture about 6 steps into the house to retrieve my books, I need to go ALLTHEWAYTOTHEBACKTOPEE.

And that's when I make mistake number 2, 3, 4 and 5

#2 - I closed the garage door. No clear shot out of the house
#3 - Decide I need to change into jeans. I'm facing 4 hours of algebra, I'm thinking I need to be comfy
#4 - Decide I should touch up my makeup since I think I look pale because I've got a cold
#5 - Figure out that I need to pee AGAIN because after the 3rd kid, my bladder is shot

OK. Got it? Where were we... mistake number 5?? Right! Mistake #5.... I'm sitting there - doing #1 (heeeheee), when I hear my kids bedroom door shut. It doesn't slam, like a draft caught it, and it shut, but it shuts as if someone was trying to hold the door but it made a noise anyway. I froze. I think my pee turned to ice cubes - but who knows? I sure don't because every ounce of my being was focused in on that door shutting. These thoughts went through my head in two seconds flat: "I'mherealoneandIknownoonecameinbecausethedoorsarelockedandI
shutthegaragedoorand....oh FUCK! Ihearfootstepsonthecarpetand..." that was it. I was GONE. I launched myself off the toilet, grabbing a handful of tp on my way out of the bathroom. I had to pass the kid's rooms on my way out, and I did that lightning quick - but I did have time to notice that the door which was open when I went IN the bathroom was now shut. I noticed all this on my way to the garage which seemed an impossibly long way away. Hmmm.. maybe that's because my feet were shackled by my jeans and I was moving like Morticia Addams, only fast.

Finally.. FINALLY I made it to the garage. I yanked open the door and automatically just reached up and whacked the garage door opener. Only to realize that I'm still holding a wad of toilet paper, and my jeans are around my ankles. The door was going up up up and I was bending down, wrestling with my jeans which seem to have gotten all twisted somehow in my mad dash from the bathroom. I hobbled around, trying to catch my balance and yank up my jeans when I notice - my neighbor. Looking at me.

oyyyyyy. Ghost be damned - I jumped back into my house - fastened up - discarded the toilet paper which I'm not certain I used and sat on the chair for a second. I could feel my face pulsing from the amazing red color it had become. I sat for maybe about 15 or 20 seconds when I hear a door shut again followed by a swhooshing sound. My eyes grew round and I don't really remember getting up this time. I just remember flying OUT of my house and into the back alley. And there's my neighbor again. He's just looking baffled. "What the?? Are you okay? Can I call someone for you?" The whole time he's asking me this, he's backing away - step by step. I don't think - after he saw me in my undies - that he needs to affirm his thinking that I'm insane by my telling him about the ghost. Do you?
posted by Norman at 8:26 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Monday, January 23, 2006
Games married people play
Are you up for TMI? I am!!

I was in bed last night, laying next to my husband who was doing his best Darth Vader imitation to date. (heavy breather...heh)

Anyway - as I'm laying there... I hear it... pfffft. Oh no he did NOT!!! I punched him lightly in the side, and he rolled over - causing the sheets to shift. Oh.my. He did!! UGGGGH!!

I punched him again, harder this time, and told him he stunk. Blearily - he said - "Well - you do it too!!" "NO I DON'T!!" "YES YOU DO" "DON'T" "DO"... ok, you get the picture.

So then I'm laying there, stewing in the odor and decided to just fight dirty. "Hey.. hunny" I whispered sweetly. "hunnnnnnhhh???" he questioned "PFFFFFFT" Right back at ya!! and just to be mean, I fluffed.

You know what fluffing is, don't you? Fluffing is the act of farting in bed, then lifting the sheets quickly and laying them back down, in order to let the smell escape, effectively running the gas up your partners nose as they lay there defenselessly.


hheheehheheheheeee. "pfffffffffft pftpft pft bracccckk fluff fluff" yeah.. he got me back

eewwww. I can feel my hair curling. "pfffffftt wheeeeet pfffft" me - but then simultaneously I hear: "pffffffertttttfffphhhhhthhthththt" dual fluff.

Next sound up is my husband "OH!!!! IT'S YOURS!! IT'S YOOOOOURRS!!" Hey! I won!! My pfoot overpowered his, and I won the fluffing war!

Yay me!!

posted by Norman at 8:16 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
I am Norman again!! I'm NORM!!!

He has decided to bestow the name of NORMAN back on me!! I'm elated!! I'm also a bit.... concerned.

Why does this kid have the power to just turn my name on and off like a light switch??

I don't know if it was my begging or pleading to please let me be Norman again, but he has decided, in all his 4 year old benevolence.... to let me regain the title of "Norman". I am ridiculously happy.

I would also like to thank all my blogger buddies for allowing me to keep the name of Norman, even though it's not necessary anymore.

posted by Norman at 7:04 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
This would probably be me - if I lived up North
A Southerner Moves Up North

January 8th - 5:00pm. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!!!

January 9th - We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

January 10th - It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

January 11th - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temp dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

January 12th - Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarterpanel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

January 13th - 2 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater,which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

January 14th - Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again! Power is still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

January 15th - Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and God knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Windchill is -22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to Texas.
posted by Norman at 10:52 AM | Permalink | 5 comments
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Utter devastation
I am totally, utterly devastated.

This is absolute.

I'm beside myself.

Norman is no longer.

My son says my name is no longer Norman! WTF?? Is he allowed to do this?? Can he just CHANGE my name like this with no warning? What am I going to call this blog NOW? I mean - the whole premise of this blog is that he called me Norman. Now what am I going to call it?? "I am Mommy?" Nah... that doesn't have the same oomph.

I liked being Norman. It gave me some individuality when he called for me. There was no mistaking who he was looking for. Other kids would yell "Mommy!" And I never turned around. I knew they weren't calling for me. Someone yelling Norman?? I'm whirling around in circles looking for my kiddo.

And now it's no longer. He's announced that my name is now.... mommy.


So. Should I change the name of this blog? Would it be illegal for me to keep the Norman name on here knowing that I really am no longer Norman? Would that be a lie??

Let's do this. Have you ever noticed that people look like their names? Assuming that you CANNOT use the name "Norman" - what do you think I look like? Do I look like a "Jennifer" or or ... maybe a "Waldo". What?? What do you think my name is??

What's my name NOW??

posted by Norman at 6:49 PM | Permalink | 26 comments
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Who's up for fishing?
This looks like my kind of fishing! (Click the picture!!)

I don't have much patience for sitting around with a rod and reel, although I don't mind the beer drinking that fishing usually brings about. But I think this would be a fishing experience I wouldn't mind doing! This is just insane!
posted by Norman at 8:24 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Friday, January 20, 2006
Something for everybody!
At last.... A bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.
The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:


Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
posted by Norman at 8:03 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
oh my!!
I'm about to hit 10,000 on my counter!! As I type this, it's at 9987... who will it be?? who will it be?? tell me if it's you!

posted by Norman at 5:33 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Tagged Squared
Hey!! I got tagged twice in one day!! Woohoo!! I feel so - desireable... OOOO YEA!

Ok. First up is Daydream Believer with the Six Degrees game.

It works like this:

"Link yourself within six steps to anyone famous."

Alright. So - if I understand this correctly, I can only go six steps away from myself.. example - 'I'm the mother of superstars!" would be one step away from myself... but "My best friend's father's uncle's mother's grandmother's aunt's best friend's nephew" would be tooooo far away as it is 8 steps away... got it?

So here are mine:

*I drank beer once with Joan Jett (she's really cool & down to earth - NOT stuck on herself at all..)
*I'm a descendant of Sacagawea
*My boss's boss's boss's boss is the President of the United States (heh... figure THAT one out! AND - it counts because I'm four steps away)
*I bought cigarettes for Huey Lewis once (Huey Lewis and the News). He smokes Marlboro Menthols... blech!
*I stood behind George Strait at the grocery store once
*My husband's grandmother is related to Margaret Mitchell (Gone with the Wind)
*My husband's grandfather is the half-brother of Willie Nelson (and yes - they do look alike)

CORI tagged me next with Christine's Meme creation (yeah - I recognized it Cori!! LOL)

1. Hum a jingle of which you know all the words. LOUDER!!

Ok, now write it down so we can remember it too.

What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound? A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing! Everyone knows it's Slinky. It's Slinky, it's Slinky, it's fun, it's a wonderful toy. It's Slinky, it's Slinky, it's fun for a girl or a boy!!!!!!!!!!

2. As a kid, you played a board game over and over. And you cheated you little bastard. What was the game?

Yeah I cheated!! I cheated at Chutes & Ladders. I would always spin the little spinny thing to make sure I landed on the square with the BIG ladder, that goes all the way up from square number 28 to square number 84!! I also cheated at Candy Land. I always stacked the deck so I got all the double colors and picture cards!

3. What is the name of the song that you have been singing the incorrect words all these years? What were you singing? What should you have been singing?

Yes - I've been singing a song incorrectly, and I'm STILL doing it, because I still don't know what the hell is being sung:

So here it is... this is what I sing when I hear "Blinded by the Light" (and I KNOW I'm not the only one singing this lyric:

Blinded by the light!
Wrapped up like a douche
and he's a'runnin' up my thigh!...
4. What is the most embarrassing childhood story that your parents drag out just to fuck with you for their own private amusement.

Um.... I don't know??? I guess it would be the time when I was three years old and I got ARRESTED... yes - you read that right, ARRESTED at 3 years old for vandalizing a guy's brand new corvette. I started early *grin*.

TADA! So - I tag whoever wants to play. Pick one, pick both! But let me know if you did it!

posted by Norman at 7:19 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Got Woody
What IS it with my kids?? If they're not screaming 'bitches', they are coming up to me with this:

"Mommy - I got woody in my pants" (my SON who is FOUR said this...)

"Hey! Have you been listening to your father talk again?? What do you mean you have woody in your pants??"

"Woody! I got woody!"

oh for the love of... "COME HERE!" I grabbed him by his shoulders. "What. do. you. mean?"

"Woody! See? " And there, on his undies... is 'Woody' from "Toy Story".

I think, Disney should have re-thought that particular character on underwear. Really. My son LOVES to show his underwear, but he always announces the view. "Mommy!! Wanna see my Thomas??" and then he moons me, with - Thomas the Tank Engine underwear. Cute. Same with Scooby Doo. But honestly - I really think I might get phone calls from his school if he decides to show 'his Woody' ...

posted by Norman at 6:11 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
This is curious
OK. We all know that I'm a stat-ho. Whenever I log into my blog - I read my comments, check my blog list of fav blogs, and then.. oh joy!... then I log into stat counter and check my blog activity. It's so much... FUN!!!!!!!!!!!

I love seeing who visits me, and from where in the world they are. I'll admit it's thrilling for me. But I'm nerdy that way.

Now - this is in no way a repeat call for lurkers. DO NOT THINK THAT! Because I'm tired of asking who you are. I think I've ferreted out most of you, and I just want to tell all of you "HI!! NICE TO MEET YOU!! SO GLAD YOU VISIT ME!! YOU MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL!" Because you (collective you) do.

But there is one person that just baffles me. And don't worry - I'm not going to single you out by doing something like posting your IP addy, but you have me CURIOUS!

WHY? Why do you read my blog from end-to-end, then turn around the next day and do it all over again?? My stat counter shows 99 entries from this one person ... TODAY. I know it's not the cumulative total of entries, because I did the 'show detail' button thingie and all of the entries made are dated TODAY. And I noticed you did this earlier this week. It's got me wondering. Are you re-reading every single one of my posts because you are really REALLY enjoying it, (but I doubt I'm THAT interesting), or because I've typed something to offend you and you are learning every single thing you can about me so you can show up on my doorstep and blow me away?? I'm very intrigued....and a little nervous.

Now - I love that people actually return to read me, and I love it even more when people comment and 'talk' to me via this blog thing... but to enter that many times to my blog and never say HI? It's pretty much a cyber prank call!!

Let me tell you... everyone - EVERYONE is welcome to read this blog. After all - it IS on the 'net, and I'd never tell anyone to stop coming here, unless they got me uber-pissed, but that's hard to do.

I'm just curious why you read my blog the way you do....

posted by Norman at 8:24 PM | Permalink | 17 comments
Monday, January 16, 2006
New Item!!
Look what Michael made for me!!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

This button is on my sidebar. All you have to do is click on it, and it will bring you to a list of my "Ghost posts". I will remember to update this list as I add the occurences. But hopefully, I don't have to add to this too much - cause honestly ya'll... These things really do freak me out.

Oh. yeah - talking about freaking out.. (this is so bad)

My husband was watching something on tv tonight, and it apparently upset him. So he yelled at the TV "THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!" and from behind us, I hear "bitches". Ummmm.. Honey - did you hear what the baby just said?

"No she didn't!! No she didn't!! She didn't just say that! You heard her wrong!" he yelped.


"OH NO!! Hunny!! She said it again! You HAVE to watch your language around her. She's a human tape recorder... I mean it!"


So now I've been trying to 're-teach' her the word. I know my mother is going to hear this word from my sweet little baby, and then the shit is going to hit the fan - and splatter... me. We've done okay. I've been telling her... "No Avery - the word is "WITCHES ... WUH- WUH- ITCHES"

We've made some progress. Now she says: "WUH-WUH-BITCHES!"
posted by Norman at 7:32 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Sunday, January 15, 2006
It's not just me anymore!!!!
My husband told me that his friend asked him the other day if we really have ghosts. "Is he still reading my blog?!" I asked. I don't know why - but it bothers me to know that people I know in real life are reading this. Strange, I know - but especially his friends. I know they'll tell him about the hateful posts I do sometimes. But oh well. I've not lied in them so... nyah. Anyway - my husband told me that he verified the ghost stories to his friend, and then he said this: "I even told him about Thursday."


"Well - what do you mean Thursday?" My husband got this confused look on his face. "I didn't tell you? " "No you didn't tell me!! What happened!?" "Oh", he said, looking confused (sidebar - I hate his confused look. I see it so many times, it really just irks me.) "Well, it happened like this. You were asleep, and remember I went to bed late?" "Yeah," I prompted.. he can really drag a story out. "Well - you were asleep and I got into bed and you know your Noczema containers in the shower... how you have them stacked because you won't take the empty one out and you have the full one on the bottom and the empty one on the top..." "WHAT HAPPENED? I KNOW I HAVE AN EMPTY NOCZEMA CONTAINER IN THE SHOWER!!"

"Geez, okay okay... well - I was getting in bed and I heard the containers topple over. I thought that was really strange because it's not like they're stacked crooked, but it just hit me as kind of strange. So then I was trying to go to sleep and I kept hearing someone walking around in the room. You weren't moving so I knew it wasn't you and besides you were in bed beside me asleep.. but it was like... distinct - really distinct footsteps, all over the room. It sounded like someone's legs rubbing together as they move.. you know what I mean??? So I kept my eyes wide open for awhile, but I couldn't ever see anything, I would sit up every now and then and the steps would stop, but when I'd lay back down I could hear them creeping around again. Finally I just went to sleep. I didn't want to hear it anymore."

OOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!! That freaks me out sooo bad!! I told him that those are the sounds I hear when I'm home alone, and he finally FINALLY understands why I don't like to be home alone. I swear... I'll be sitting at the computer and I hear these steps come up behind me... "tiff tiff tiff tiff..." like footsteps on the carpet, I'll whirl around and there's no one there. He's always told me I'm just hearing things. Now I've told him that "something" has touched his face (see old ghost post) and he's now HEARD it. Is he going to believe now, and he said "hell yeah" He also wants to do research on our house to find out if anyone died in it.

When we bought this house, we checked the disclosure, and everything looked fine - but we found out later that the former owners LIED THROUGH THEIR TEETH. We might have had someone die in it, we just don't know. So we'll have to research this. I'm also considering bringing my co-worker in to see my house. He's an honest-to-goodness Shaman, if you can believe that. I might be able to convince him to help me. (He's kinda selective about what he does with his Shaman stuff..)

So that's my update on our house ghostie!!

Ya skeered? I am

posted by Norman at 7:27 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
I feel bad..
There's a blog out there called "Mean Coffee" I don't have it linked, but I read her a lot. Yesterday she posted that she had an amnio and a defect has been shown in her unborn child. She also turned off comments, so no one can comment. While I respect her request to not post comments to her telling her that "everything will be ok", I'm still just wishing I could reach out to her and tell her that "Everything just MIGHT be ok!" The defect that is showing in the ultrasound is something called an "Atrial Septal Defect". I did a quick google search of this, and the prognosis for this disorder is excellent.

I know I've never met this girl before, but I still feel really bad for her. This is their first child. She said "If you pray, pray for us".

I think I will.

posted by Norman at 9:45 AM | Permalink | 6 comments
Friday, January 13, 2006
Neuter your pets
Asterismos (prior commenter) mentioned that watching my husband get snipped was probably an interesting procedure to see. Well, it was... mostly. But I really think I just enjoyed the idea of it a whole lot more! Honestly - I was surprised that they let me in the room while they did it. But I stayed in there, and even got assigned duties by the doctor!

I wasn't planning on staying there - heck I was just going to drop him off, go do some shopping and come back and pick him up. Kinda like dropping him off at daycare. But when I got there, the receptionist instructed BOTH of us to go to the doctor's consulting room. My husband was uncharacteristically quiet and still while we waited in the office. Soon the doctor breezed in and started talking to us about vasectomies - what the procedure involved, how it worked, blah blah blah.. all the usual crap about warnings and side effects. Then - he took out a form and asked ME to sign it. "Uh...doc - I'm not the one with the the 'equipment' that needs altering" I said. So then the doctor told me, "I know - but I need your permission to proceed with the operation" HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! I GOT THE POW-AHHHH!!! Needless to say - hunny was a little miffed that I had control over his sensitive extremities. But hey - when ya get married, what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine! Including THAT! PROVEN!

Papers signed, we went to the prep room. A nurse walked in, and told him to drop his pants. "You're doing it NOW?" gaped my husband. He was very nervous... "No!" she said "I'm just going to give you a little shot so you don't care so much about stuff... you know - Valium" I was looking at her while she was talking, and I swear, by the time I turned my head back to my husband, he'd already dropped his pants and had his ass aimed at her. That was fast! Never knew the old boy could move that fast... About 1 minute after getting the shot, the doctor was ready. He appeared in the room and just said "OK! Let's go!" My husband, whose butt still stung - yelped out "I'm not ready! I still care about stuff! I still care about stuff!" But I helped drag walk him to the table.

So there he is, lying there with his boys and their friend laying there vulnerable. Now - any of you guys that might be reading this ( I dunno, the period talk in the last post may have chased them away) ever had this procedure done? The first thing they did was shave EVERYTHING. And they were quick about it! I've never seen a shave job done so fast, especially in that area.. sheesh.. and then, before my husband could unclamp his hands from the table - they gave him the first 'local anesthetic' injection. Right there in the cajones. I will admit, I did wince for him. But I really didn't need to - he went ' eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyooooowcccch!! I DON'T THINK THE VALIUM IS WORKING!!!!!' Now, apparently - the doctor thought that he should be just a tad more relaxed than he was, because my husband's outburst startled him, causing him to drop the scalpel, which fell on the table with a loud clatter. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??" screamed my husband, who was remarkably high-pitched in vocal abilities. "Now son, just calm down... I ain't even started yet. You might think your balls are made of steel but they ain't I can tell you that now!" yes... the doctor REALLY did say that. I couldn't help it. I just started laughing, at which point my husband told me to shutup. Now - usually he wouldn't be standing after saying such a thing to me, but since he was already laying down AND drugged up AND about to get whacked... I let it slide.

The doctor's nurse gave him a new scalpel and he set to work. Apparently - that numbing shot works really fast. He just made a quick little cut, reached in, grabbed the 'strands' and gave it a yank to pull it out. And then his pager went off. "Oof!! I'm expecting a page, would you get that for me?" He's talking to me. I just looked at him. "Well - where's your pager?" I asked "It's in my pocket. My nurse & I are already scrubbed, if you can just reach in there..." He's shoving his hip at me. "Ummmm.... ok" This is a little weird, but I went digging through this guys pocket - grabbed his pager and handed it to him. "Here." He just looked at me. "Well - what does it say?? I can't touch it..." OH! "Well, um - it says your tee time is at 1:20, and Jack's buying the beer, so you're not supposed to be late". "Great! Thanks! Now go sit back down over there..." and he turned his back on me to finish. "I gotta hurry. I have two more patients after you and I don't want to be late!" My poor husband. His eyes were rolling around, but he was too scared to move. After all, he had stuff hanging out of his stuff.

Finally , he was neutered. The doctor snapped off his surgical gloves, shook my hand, thanked me for my services and left. That was it. The nurse instructed my husband to keep ice packs on his willie for the rest of the day, gave us our walking papers and we left.

Neat story? Huh? Well, it ain't over. About 3 days after his 'procedure' my husband came up to me, without his pants. "Look at it" he demanded. "No thanks... don't wanna" "No really - look at it. Does it look... funny? I glanced at it. "They always look funny. I don't know how you guys live with those..." "Be serious! LOOK at it." So I did. Hmmm - one of them DID look funnier than usual. "I don't know. Does it hurt?" I asked. "Yeah... kinda." So I told him to call the doctor and I sent him off to work.

About an hour later he called me. "It's bigger... and it hurts worse. Can you come pick me up?" I rushed over to his work and picked him up. He was walking like a cowboy. Apparently that sucker swelled up to GRAPEFRUIT size!! DAAAAAMNNN!!

He had developed a post-surgical infection, and had to take anti-inflammatories for about two weeks, plus injections in his butt for one week. By the end of this ordeal - he was so thoroughly disgusted with the whole thing, that he never went back for the follow up 'shake down'. So we in actuality have no idea if he is sterile or not. But I hope he is!

Now - some guys would say - "Don't you feel bad for putting your husband through that?" My response? FUCK NO. I gave birth to THREE children, and each pregnancy was harder than the last. This last one - I developed gestational diabetes, and had to check my blood several times throughout the day. The back aches, the muscle pain, the swollen ankles... not to mention the actual act of childbirth itself... "Do I feel bad ... HAAAAA!"
posted by Norman at 9:05 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Just a couple of things!
Hey! Just a couple of things to post today. Mainly it's stuff of why I hate to be a female.

There is nothing suckier than waking up first thing in the morning and having to sit on an ice-cold toilet seat. And at work - they keep the bathroom so frickin' cold, I pratically pee ice cubes. SHIT! I hate cold toilet seats.

The next thing that bothers me are pads. About the nastiest thing ever invented. I thoroughly dislike using these things. Nothing like having what equates to a cold wet dead fish in your pants. Verreee attractive. But that's not the thing that bothers me the most. It's the adhesive. Who's the brainiac at the proctor & gamble company that came up with the bionic adhesive used to stick the damn things to your undies? If that pad shifts, it attaches itself to things that really shouldn't be attached to it and voila! Instant bikini wax! Yowch. But for the record - I'm not ragging it right now.

As for my wooziness yesterday (heh - I like that word "woozy"!), I dunno what the deal was. When I went to lie down, I got the bedspins really bad, and had to sleep with one leg over the side of the bed, which really bothers me (monsters might grab my foot while I sleep). When I woke up this morning, I felt like I was bobbing along in a teeny little boat. Maybe I caught my son's virus (rotovirus) and it's affecting me this way. Who knows? I do know one thing... I'm NOT pregnant (thankyouverymuch TAMMY!). I've had my husband neutered. In fact, I stood over him while they did it just to make sure.

toodiddly do!!

posted by Norman at 3:21 PM | Permalink | 23 comments
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Wow. I've never had THIS happen before. Kinda freaky! I was just sitting here, at the computer trying to retype a post when the room started spinning on me. Now it just seems to sway back & forth. This is really strange? What an odd feeling. I haven't been drinking, I've eaten dinner.. I'm not sick... I didn't move my head suddenly. This is so freaking weird. What could cause this?

hmm. Now I'm feeling seasick. Anybody had this happen to them before?

seasick norman who thinks she probably needs to go to bed now.

***I had a different entry to post, and I was one comma away from it being done, when blogger went down. I don't think I'm going to attempt to retype that entry, since the content was probably just a smidge bit of "TMI".
posted by Norman at 9:19 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Monday, January 09, 2006
and now it's NATIONAL!

I've seen blogs before that ask for lurker status, but some still prefer to remain anonymous. But apparently - this is an enigma that drive OTHERS crazy as well!

I've got all the snooper tools. I see all sorts of IP addresses, and I see lots of 'hits' on my page, and it's not all just 'page-loads' either! Some of you lurkers actually READ my stuff! I can tell by the pie chart that tells me how long you stayed here and how many entries you make on the page. Fun stuff for stat-ho's like me.

But it's good to know that I'm not the only person who is driven to the brink of insanity by the few people who only lurk.

So - welcome to National De-lurking Week! Don't be askeered to say HI! I'm not mean, and rarely bite. The only person I'm mean to is my husband, who usually deserves said meaness. (Reference the two blog entries before this one!!)

**picture stolen from 'TranceJen". I linked to that site from Warcry Girl. Thanks!

I haven't done a 'meme' thingie in a while, and I saw one that I actually liked. Furthermore - I'm doing it without being TAGGED!! So thanks Tammy!

4 Things About Me

Four Jobs You've Had In Your Life:

1. Baskin Robbins Scooper
2. Boutique Saleschick
3. Claims Processor
4. the thingie I do now!

Four Movies You'd Watch Over and Over

1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Four Rooms
3. Somewhere in Time
4. Raising Arizona (Son - you got a panty on yore haid)

Four Places You Have Lived

1. Ft. Sill, OK
2. Ft. Leavenworth, KS
3. Ft. Sam Houston, TX (ya seein' a pattern here? Good!)
4. Arlington, TX
and one extra...
5. Amarillo, TX

Four TV Shows You Love to Watch

1. Survivor
2. CSI (but not the New York one)
3. World Poker Tour
4. The Flavor of Love (HAAAAA!!)

Four Places You've Been On Vacation

1. Las Vegas, NV
2. Me-HEEEE- CO border towns.
3. Both Disneys
4. Grand Canyon

Four Websites You Visit Daily
1. If you are on my blog list.. I visit you. daily
2. cnn.com
3. cbsnews.com
4. toontown.com (and by the way - I'm ADDICTED to this site. er - um. I mean - my KIDS are addicted.. yeah.)

Four of Your Favorite Foods

1. Pizza
2. Olive Garden's salad - with their house dressing of course
3. beef jerky
4. Pizza. it needed listing twice

Four Places You'd Rather Be Right Now

1. Hawaii
2. San Antonio, TX
3. Arlington, TX
4. Vegas

And like Tammy - I'm not tagging anyone either! Just let me know if you played.
posted by Norman at 7:18 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Slighty Redeemed
Just slightly. I got more sleep last night. But the same thing happened. The baby started crying, and again - he just didn't wake up. So I got up, and started walking to the kitchen to get her a bottle. On my way out, I murmured "So nice to see that you don't care" (or something to that effect) I was no where near as loud as the baby, but he still popped up and went "Wha? Wha???? Hey! I'll take care of her!!" Whatever. I still did my "wimmen's werk" and took care of the baby.

This morning, she woke up at about 6:30am. About normal. He got up with her, leaned over to me, and said (now get this) "If I get up with her, will you be nicer?" So I lied and told him I would. And that is why I say only 'slightly redeemed'.

Hey, wouldn't you lie if you were in my shoes??

posted by Norman at 2:33 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Saturday, January 07, 2006
I HATE HIM! I Harbor Intense Feelings of Dislike
For the past few days, my kids have been sick and I've had virtually no help from the guy that's supposed to be my husband. He's utterly worthless at times. When I first began blogging, I was initially attracted to the site "100 Reasons Why I hate my husband" (which is now 'defunct'). When reading that blog, it seemed as if I'd previously lived all the reasons that she had posted in one way or another. Now, while my husband is not as bad as this woman's husband (her replacement blog) , he IS a close second. Really.

He 'forgets' everything
He only does something if it benefits him in the long run
He has no clue how disgusting some of his habits are
He thinks he's smarter than everyone
He cannot accept responsibility for his actions

Oh. I could go on and on, but it's pissing me off the more I type.

Last night, after being thoroughly exhausted from the past two nights, I climbed into bed and tried to go to sleep. Sure enough, after about an hour, I was awakened by a plaintive little voice whispering "daddy... daddy! Daddy?? Daddy!" but 'daddy' doesn't move. I sat up in bed and looked over to the door. "What's up sweetie? Did you get sick again?" it's my little boy. "No. I just want daddy to come to my room and check my closet" (Monster hunting. It's daddy's job) But apparently, my husband didn't bother to wake up. I conquered any wayward monsters, and put him back to bed. I went back into our room and tried to go back to sleep. Now the baby starts crying. She still sleeps in our room until she begins to sleep consistently through the night. At that time, we'll move her into her older sister's room, but for now, she's stuck with us. So, she's about 3 feet from our bed, and crying. My husband doesn't stir. He's out. I layed there a few minutes and hoped she would go back to sleep but nothing doin'. So I picked her up, got her a bottle and soothed her back to sleep. My husband just lays there like a slug and keeps snoring. Prick.

He KNOWS I've been operating on no sleep for the past few days. He KNOWS this. And he bitches every morning about how tired he is. Then when he gets home, he loves to play with either his new iPod, or play his fucking video games. It's like being married to a 15 year old. No sense of responsibility. If one of the kids dares bother him while he's playing some game called 'halo' or whatever, he gets absolutely pissy with them, and irate that they've asked him a question.

But this morning.... the baby woke up way early. Now generally, his one redeeming factor on the weekends is that he'll get up early with the kids, allowing me to sleep in to...oh- let's say 7:30am. But this morning, he wouldn't get up. So now I'm awake at 5:00am, with the kids. On about 3 hours of sleep. While he's been fucking snoring all night long. I'd had it. I just blew. I picked up our daughter, and left the room, but not before I'd slammed the bedroom door hard enough to rattle the walls. Heh. Felt good. He emerged from the room and asked ME "What the hell's your problem?" I let him know I didn't appreciate his lack of assistance with the kids. You know what he said? "You didn't wake me up. How was I supposed to know the kids were crying?" WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTT????????????

Do we not sleep in the same room? Was my four year old not inches from his head trying to wake him up?? How is it that I'll wake up to kids crying but not my husband?

You know.. I'll say this. If I was a stay at home mom, this would not be an issue. I wouldn't be bitching at all about any of this. But I'm not. I work just as many hours outside of the home, if not more, than he does. I believe the parenting duties should be shared EQUALLY between us, and not slanted to some old-fashioned ideal of "that's a mother's job". That idea is just bullshit. We both work full-time, these are BOTH of our kids.

I'm thinking that if I have to do everything on my own, I should just ditch the dead weight, and keep paddling with a lighter load.

pissed-off norm
posted by Norman at 8:00 AM | Permalink | 18 comments
Friday, January 06, 2006
Day 3
Day 3 of no sleep.

Someone is ALWAYS sick at my house. Ethan decided to audition for the remake of "The Exorcist" last night, and I must say he did a splendid performance. After changing his bed TWICE, I smartened up, and grabbed a plastic shower curtain, placed it over the couch and made a temporary bed out in the living room. I don't know how that child spewed up so much crap but shit, I guess I must be feeding him to much.

He's got rotovirus. He's one of about 20 little monsters in his Montessori class. The teacher called today and informed me that out of 20 booger-eaters, only 7 showed for class today... and that's just his classroom. Nice. The expected duration of this virus is up to 9 days.

I'm now sitting up waiting for the vomiting to begin, and I'm noticing that my youngest is snuffling around in her crib, and beginning to make distressing sounds. Either she's got a load in her diaper, or she's going to try to copy Typhoid Ethan. Either way, I'm ready for her to decide she remembers how to sleep through the night. For the past 3 days, she has decided that 2 o'clock in the morning is a WONDERFUL time to play, and lets us know it!! oyyyyy

sucks to be us right now ya'll!

posted by Norman at 11:07 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Norman's Fantasy Day
I woke up to nothing! No screaming ,crying kids, no bickering… nothing. Just the morning sunshine lighting my room. Ahhh… that’s so nice! I wandered into the kitchen, and as I passed a mirror, I noticed that my hair looked wonderful. I didn’t have bedhead at all. What’s going on here? Also – there was no evidence of sleep puffiness anywhere around my eyes. For once, I looked spectacular. A wonderful smell drifted from the kitchen and I followed my nose. There, standing in the middle of the room, was a half-naked man holding out a cup of freshly brewed coffee. “I made this for you.” He stated, and smiled gently at me. “Thanks! Who are you?” I wasn’t scared or anything, just curious. “I’m Dimitri. I’m your part of your Fantasy. I’ll be here if you have any questions or anything. Otherwise, I won’t open my mouth or annoy you.” “Hey cool! Kinda like the office assistant on Microsoft?” “Yes, kinda like that.” He affirmed. “Or wait – are you more like a genie and I have three wishes?” “Oh no. You have the entire day. Whatever you want to do, do it. Just make sure you never say you don’t want anything, or else we’ll no longer be needed. In the meantime, I’ll be here to assist you in anything you want”


“Ok, so how do I start this?” I asked eagerly “Just wave your hand like the princess you are, and whatever you desire will be yours.” Eager to test out this new power, I waved my hands dramatically in the air and glanced around at my house that needed to be cleaned. Instantly, the house vanished, only to be replaced by a beautiful meadow, complete with hopping bunnies, butterflies, warm spring breezes and flowers. Oops. “Dimitri?” I called. “What happened to my house?! I mean, I like it here, but I really need to have a house for my family.” Instantly, he reappeared and assessed the situation. “Oh – I see, maybe you shouldn’t wave your hands around so much next time. I mean – you are the greatest woman in the world, and soft gentle motions should be sufficient to convey your wishes.” Wow! I have power. With a more restrained motion, I wiggled my hands, and my house reappeared, only now it looked bigger, cleaner and newer. Yay! I like this. I like it a lot.

I wandered into my house and marveled at the new, glamorous furnishings. I popped open one door and gaped at the expansive, marbled bathroom with a Jacuzzi smack dab in the middle of the room. A glass of champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries sat on a silver tray alongside the tub. I shivered with anticipation, and slipped off my jammies, keeping my eyes on the bubbling water. Oops. I just caught a glance of my body in the mirror. Hmmph. It’s my fantasy day! I did a little wiggle with my newly-magicked fingers and ka-POW! I no longer have a need for boob-job, tummy tuck & butt-lift. I also have now obtained smoothly bronzed skin and healthier hair. I sank into the water and reached for the champagne.

The door clicked open and yet another gorgeous, half-naked man appeared. “Hi, I’m Raul. I’ll be your bath attendant while you’re in here. I’d like to tell you how desireable you are, and I’m willing to do anything you ask.” Heh. Now there’s an offer I can’t refuse! “Great! Raul – do me a favor. I don’t like reaching my arm out of this warm water. Would you mind feeding me the strawberries?” “Of course not darling” he replied and lowered himself down to sit by me. “Would you like me to sing to you as well?” he whispered. “No, of course not. That would be stupid. Why don’t you get another one of your friends in here to rub my shoulders?” Granted. I now have two hot men tending to my every need. Nice relaxing bath with soft sponges and shoulder massages. Ooooooo yeah.

My fingers puckered and my muscles relaxed, I meandered out of the bathroom and encountered: my children. They were dressed, fed and happily playing together in the middle of the cozy looking living room. “Hey guys! What do you think of my fantasy?!” I exclaimed happily. Ashton looked at me, and started to whine. “Yeah, well Mom, it’s all nice and good for you, but we’re kinda bored and …” I wiggled my fingers, and watched as her mouth moved but no sound emerged. Ahhhhhh I’m soooo loving this. About this time, my husband came waltzing in to the new house. He carried a bouquet of orchids (cause their my fav) and asked how the new housemen were working. I kissed him lightly on the cheek and exclaimed, “Wonderfully! They are such a help! I have Dimitri out in the back yard picking up dog doo, and Raul and his friend are doing laundry. They’ve given me massages and chocolate and nothing but compliments all day long! I couldn’t ask for anything more!” and just like that… POOF the spell was broken.

The house was messy, the kids babbling came on full force and the orchids my husband was holding turned into a six-pack of beer.

Something tells me I should get out more….
posted by Norman at 7:07 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
a bit of clarification...
SO I was just saying!!

I start sentences and paragraphs with "so" sometimes too!! I wasn't bitching at ANYBODY! I just think it's funny is all.

Heck, I put lots of these: ...... in my posts all the time! I'm not the grammer police! Swear! I just noticed a trend is all.

So, please don't think I'm griping...

posted by Norman at 4:24 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Monday, January 02, 2006
and the Bad Mother of the Year Award goes to....

This is so gross. Last night, I was trying to put some semblance of order back into my house (the post Christmas messies are here). I fed the kids and left the dishes on the table. I didn't wash them right away.

Wait... have you ever fed kids?? It's a miracle they gain weight at all. Half the food on their plate ends up on the floor every single time. I have to sweep under the table every night, and we could probably feed a starving child in Africa with what's left under there. Anyway. Last night, I neglected to sweep. I wanted to get right back to taking the tree down. I woke up this morning, and wandered into the kitchen. Of course - the dishes are there. But HEY!! The floor is clean! Yay! I graciously thanked my husband for taking the initiative. But he said he didn't sweep. ummmmm.... did you let the dogs in then?? Nope, he hadn't let the dogs in.

huh. Where'd all the food bits go?? oh noooooooooooooooooooo. The thought hit us at the same time. And we were RIGHT! She still had a french fry in her grubby little hand. Damn... she got that floor spotless. Maybe I should send her under there after dinner from now on??

Oh well! On the bright side - I didn't have to feed her breakfast! Bonus!


p.s. So I was cruising around the blog world, and have you ever noticed how many bloggers start their entries with the word "So". LOL
posted by Norman at 3:14 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Sunday, January 01, 2006
And Thus Begins... 2006
Happy fucking New Year. That's right. I dropped the f-bomb... again. It all started last night. My husband and I had this conversation at the grocery store:

"Well, should we get some black-eyed peas? It's tradition ya know..." (A southern tradition that is)
"Naw" replied my husband "I don't like them and that thing about needing them for luck is all bullshit anyway."
"Okaaaaaay..." I said, because I'm a pseudo-Southerner and these southern traditions don't affect me. My husband, however is from a teeny little town called Borger, TX and he NEEDS to eat black-eyed peas. So we didn't buy them.

Let's go to this morning. We wake up to 75 mph wind gusts (did ya'll know Amarillo is a windy town?). Great. I hate the wind. It's so.... windy.


Uh-oh. THAT didn't sound right. I looked outside and see.... nothing. Which is not good. I should be seeing a fence. And dogs. CRAP!!

So we went running around the neighborhood in our pj's (and seeing as I'm still in PJ's, I have no bra on. Even though I'm not big by any means, things still flop uncomfortably when running) but the neighbors enjoyed it I think. They must have eaten their black-eyed peas.

Our dogs corraled, and our herding complete, we started trying to fix the fence. In 75mph winds. Yeah. That blows. (heh) My husband pulled out his hammer and tried to pound a nail in, but got his thumb instead. I learned a whole new way string cuss words together!!

The posts cracked at the ground, so they are useless. He is right now on his way to the lumber store to buy new fencing stuff. I tried to tell him that it's probably closed - since it's New Year's Day, but he didn't want to listen. He is convinced he can open the store by sheer force of will.

So I am now blogging, and waiting for him to get back. So we can fix the fence and let the dogs back out. I'll post pictures later.

He should have eaten black-eyed peas...

posted by Norman at 10:18 AM | Permalink | 7 comments
From me to you

**be safe guys... don't drink & drive
posted by Norman at 12:00 AM | Permalink | 4 comments
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