Monday, January 29, 2007
Resistance is futile; I have been assimilated
Well crap. Blogger FORCED me to move to the New Blogger today.

I don't like change.


But I don't wanna talk about that. I wanna talk about this:

My husband woke me up yesterday with the following phrase:

"Time to wake up Honey! I crapped my pants!!"

oh. wait...

I don't wanna talk about that after all.

(ok... just for a little more explanation - my whole entire family was stricken with the evil vomit bug, and it paired up with a little diarrhea. For the record - my whole family was afflicted with this, and for the record - they all learned NOT to fart when they thought they could sneak one out. For the record - I've not caught this sneaky virus yet... but as I type this, my stomach is sending me ominous sharp pains... and strangely enough, I'm scared to fart)

But again, I don't wanna talk about it.
posted by Norman at 8:55 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Fresh from Venus!!
Yeah! My man is here, and he completed the downloading of the photos I had taken. Unfortunately, I think a couple of them burned up upon reentry into the Earth's atmosphere, but hey!! I got this:

That's our front sidewalk during The Great Snowstorm of 2007. I shoveled that badboy BY MYSELF! WOOT! And if you have a really good computer monitor, you should be able to see that it was still snowing when I took that picture. Hey! That's not a bad shovel job for a Texan, knowwhutimean?

And if you're very patient... I have another download thingie to share with you, but the media is still streaming back to Earth (from Pluto this time). When I receive it, I'll get it on here.

Wow!! Now I'm editing this post, because more pictures have arrived.

Now, my good blogfriends Linda & Denny of RV Vagabonds did the SWEETEST thing!! Just out of the blue, and totally unexpected...they SENT ME IN THE MAIL a cute little bird statue.

But not just ANY cute little bird statue. They sent this:

If you can't read it, it says "I took a pain pill - Why are you still here?"

I'm bringing this little dilly to work with me. But see - it only came with one sign. So I'm in the process of making some up, so that I can change the signs to fit my mood. Here's one that I came up with (and no... I don't know how to Photoshop very well...OBVIOUSLY. Use your frickin' imagination.. ok?)

Can you read that? It says: I love you more today than I did yesterday... Yesterday you really got on my nerves."

So!! Let's have some fun!

Tell me what you want sign you'd like to see on my bird! Leave your suggestion in comments. I'll make up a bunch of signs and have an INTERCHANGEABLE statue!

Thank you again Linda & Denny! Ya'll are the greatest!

posted by Norman at 8:19 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Friday, January 26, 2007
God loves ya fellow Americans!!

I knew ya'll wouldn't let me down!!

(um... to better understand this post, you should refer to my post of January 22nd, specifically the part that says "READ THIS"!).

Oh. And I would particularly like to thank the owner of that company for offering the apology.


and since all the cool kids are doing it:
posted by Norman at 9:09 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
See... it's this "technical issue" i have. Lots of 'em

I posted yesterday that I was unable to figure out the workings of a digital camera. Namely - not being able to download pictures from the stupid thing to the stupid computer.

Lisa gamely tried to help me by telling me to stick a USB thingamabob into my computer and hopefully it would take off. Or something like that. Do you see how technical issues just fly over my head with the speed of an X-15? Yeah. I can't no comprehende computer stuff.

Which is why I married a techie. He KNOWS. He KNOWS everything there is to know about .... computers. He built three of our computers from scratch - then he networked them all together. In fact... I think he's got them networked to some satellite in space somewhere spewing out imagery for shadowy government agencies... I think. I dunno. He might be so good at covering his tracks that the Fibbies haven't found him yet. Or not. Any feds reading this should know right now that I'm just "supposing" here. I don't know this for sure so please don't conduct some raid on my house. Thanks.

Anyway. My point is this. If just hooking up the camera to a USB was all that downloading these pictures entailed, I'd buckle down and actually LEARN how to attempt it (notice I said "attempt" not actually "achieve" the process).

But NOOOOoooOOOOoooOOOOOOoooooooo. I married a computer nerd. Downloading pictures from the camera therefore, is NOT the simple task it should be.

It goes something like this:

1. Take pictures. -- Check. I actually have this process figured out.

2. Attach camera to platform. -- Check. I know my shapes. I can figure out how to fit it in there.

3. Push button on platform -- Check. I can do this too!!! It's a button, therefore I can PUSH it! Concept... Learned!

4. 4..4......... Well. Now see, 4 is where everything goes kapooey. My husband WROTE a program that pops up.

This little program pops up and directs me to find an archive. Generally this would not be an issue, but my husband has done something called "partitioning"??? I don't know. But there are like 2 different computers in one. And he's got 2 different operating systems on the computer. One is Linux, and the other is Windows. I have to elect which system to use, then map to an archive, THEN re-download the photos, then direct them to NORAD and some other spy satellite somewhere near Venus. Then the photos bounce off the moon-surface, ricochet off Mercury, and shoot back to Earth (the bounce method throws off Al-Qaeda, because we don't want them to see pictures of my kids waving to us from the potty).

After that indirect route, I'm supposed to catch them as they rematerialize in my back room, sorta like Mike TV in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Then a magnetic superopticalrefractorbeam COMES OUT OF THE COMPUTER and sucks all the particles up that I've caught with my ionicstaticsurpressor mitt (that catches the bounced photo particles) and then...THEN it downloads into the computer.

This whole entire process takes place in like....3 micronanoseconds when my husband performs it. Me -- when I do it, I think the photos get stuck on Venus. Or maybe they miss Mercury and go into the Sun (which my husband says is bad, because he hasn't yet figured out how to refract the sun's intensity yet).

So you see. It's not just a simple process of hooking up a USB cable.


p.s. Have you read my new friend Coffeypot yet? You should. He's nuts. I like it.
posted by Norman at 8:43 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Monday, January 22, 2007
I had something else in mind for today's post
But of course, something else has come up. Namely - I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DOWNLOAD THE PHOTOS OFF THE CAMERA!!!!! And for those of you who have SEEN pictures on here before and make the logical conclusion that I have the capability to do this... Nope. Usually my computer-geek brainiac husband does that for me. He's not here right now. So I've got a whole slew of photos to dump on you when he gets here.

In the meantime!!

Update on Assblaster toilet specimen. I posted about the Assblaster special on Thursday. THURSDAY!! I got to work today, and checked out the toilet (cause I've got a morbid curiousity thingie going on). The shit is STILL THERE. Oh, it's shrunk up a bit, I guess the moisture has left it. Of course, now since it's dried out - it's darker. And spikier looking. I left the bathroom and grabbed the first custodian I saw. He tried to tell me the bathrooms are cleaned daily. I corrected him by dragging him in to the stall and showing him the evidence. He decided to clean it right then and there. He hit at it with a toilet brush and it plopped down into the water. I swear I saw an oil slick ooze off it. I am never using that toilet again.

I was poking around on Livey's blog and just started clicking on some of the links in her side bar. I landed on Bane Rants and after reading his Monday post, I almost spit my margarita on the floor!!


Did you read it? Go read it, I'll wait...


you back yet?

Alrighty then. I don't care if you are FOR the war or AGAINST the war... you DON'T send e-mails like that!!!

Like Bane said... never shop there.... EVER.

Ok. That's my stuff for today. ADIOS!

posted by Norman at 8:19 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Thursday, January 18, 2007
A truly traumatic day in the life of Norman
Today was terrible.... just terrible & TRAUMATIC!

See, it was like this. I got to work and settled in to my office. I was merrily working away and my coworker came meandering in. He was at the printer, and asked if the report sitting there was mine. I said it was and asked if he would hand it to me. So he did. My hands closed over the pages when ... IT happened.

I felt something stuck to the back of the document. Something slightly tacky yet hard.

oh God. I'm shuddering as I type this. Truly awful.

I flipped over the pages and saw a BOOGER!! Stuck to the back of my report!! A BOOGER!! AND I TOUCHED IT!! A BOOGER THAT WASN'T EVEN MINE!!

Now, I'm a mom, and I'll admit to doing some mining of mineral resources in my own kid's noses....but hell - I use a Q-tip for that. Or if I see a sticky hanging out of their nostrils, I'll retrieve it. But the point is - THIS WAS NOT A BOOGER RELATED TO ME!!


So, I swiftly put the facts together. It was like this:

Printer is in my office
My office is always locked
Nobody had been in my office since I printed the report
I had not touched the document prior to the booger discovery
Coworker was the only other person to TOUCH this document



Naturally I accused him of illegally dumping toxic waste in MY office on MY document . I told him that next time he was picking his nose, he should either a) roll it off or b) flick it better. Just freaking nasty. I hot-footed it to the bathroom to soak my hand in drain-o. While I was there - I figured, hey - might as well whizz while I'm here. Went into the first stall...


AssBlaster had been in there before me. I don't know HOW you get shit to stick to the RIM of the toilet seat and NOT NOTICE IT THERE. But yeah... that's what Assblaster does.

Hey... have I ever TOLD you guys about AssBlaster? If not, Assblaster is this 50ish year old woman who is about 4'5" tall and 6 feet around. She does not believe in regular bathing. She likes to keep herself "regular" by chugging a small bottle of Crisco Oil every morning. Let me repeat that for you. She chugs a frickin' bottle of Crisco Oil every...morning... By afternoon, it is advisable to avoid the bathroom. She is: The Assblaster.

So that's my truly traumatic day: Boogers and Assblasting.
posted by Norman at 8:41 PM | Permalink | 19 comments
Monday, January 15, 2007
Or is it Gesundheit? I dunno.

All I know, is I laugh every single time I see it.

I think it's the fact that the bear is eating a granola bar, or something like that and then the humanoid flinch factor of "OH SHIT!!" that occurs.

I myself resemble this very thing when it's the middle of the night, and I hear one of my kids sneak up on me. Of course - I'm not eating a granola bar at the time, but still... you get the picture.
posted by Norman at 7:16 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Remember when I told you that my husband got me a Coach purse for our Anniversary?

Here it is!

See?? If you're very very good... this is what 9 years of marriage gets you!
posted by Norman at 10:53 AM | Permalink | 12 comments
Friday, January 12, 2007
Holy Crap.

Vultures I tell you... VULTURES!!!

See, the cat is out of the bag at work about my leaving. The only thing I have NOT done is given them an actual departure date. Now, there are thousands of people at my place of employment and suddenly it seems that they all covet my job.

I've got a cool job. Let me get that clear. I really hate to be leaving it. But I'm also excited about a change as well. Still...the chances of me finding a job like THIS one are close to nil. My traveling adventures are probably going to come to a screeching halt as well. I liked this job because whenever I got bored enough, I could always suggest some training or a conference or seminar that I "desperately" wanted to attend.... like the one at the resort in San Diego... ahhhhh....

Anyway, today I was sitting at my desk, when I heard a knocking at my door, followed by a curious head poking their way in... "Norman!? Is it true?? OH MY GOD!!! Are you really LEAVING??!!" "Yes. In fact, my husband is already in San Antonio, and he's been there since November...." I reply "Oh you poor thing!! You must miss him dreadfully howsoonwillyoubegoing?" " soon as I sell my house. Wanna buy my house? It's got a ghost!!" (I see that as a possible bargaining chip, depending on the weirdness of the person I'm pimping my house too) "Well, no - I don't need a house right now. Hey! Why don't you tell me about your boss?!"

my boss?


And this is how my days have been going since news got out that I'm leaving. I get all these nicey-nice speeches about how much I'll be missed, then they prance on out and e-mail their resumes to my boss. Vultures.

Well, let me tell you one thing... these people that think I have this really really cushy job are in for a rude surprise when they actually get down to it... HA! You cannot believe how many people think I just piddle around doing "fluff" stuff. They don't know all the behind-the-scenes scruffing around that I do to make things appear as if they just....FOOF!! Happen! I mean, I really WORK. And these same people that are sniffing around my office lately are the people that are always *bitter* about their current job. My work ethic is VERY different from theirs! I take the good with the bad, and no matter what - I try to keep a cheerful look on my face, 'cause eventually, the smile will sink into my brain through osmosis and make me FEEL cheerful as well (at least, that's my theory). Really though, if you're in a crappy mood, smile at someone. They'll smile back and it will make you feel better. But these are those people that ALWAYS find something to bitch about. I hope to hell one of them doesn't get my job.

I've been compiling a "short list" of people that I think have the right attitude for my job. I've already told them that I'm going to suggest them as "possibles" to my boss, and my boss has already told me that she'll want my input on the new hire.

Egads.... it's weird to be looking at resumes of people to take YOUR job. It's surreal.

And I can do without the vultures!

Would you believe that someone just e-mailed me at home asking "is it true"... *gads*
posted by Norman at 8:12 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
just a quick fyi
Hey guys!!

When you respond to a "past post" (one that's in the archives...) I get notification of it in my e-mail... i even get a copy of what you write!! But a lot of the times I have NO FREAKING CLUE which post you are talking about, because I honestly don't remember all the crap I babble about.

I got a comment on a post from someone, and I really believe that they were just trying to point out a perception they were receiving from my blog. That's fine - I don't mind. They weren't rude or anything... kinda made me feel bad about hurting someone's feelings. :-( I like this blog to be mostly about fun. I just wish I could answer them!! (And I'd answer it here, but it's a potential "hot potato" and I like to keep this place as an escape from reality...)

Anyhoo... remember!! When you comment on an old post - (for future reference), you might want to indicate which post it is!! I like to get all my ducks in a row before opening my blabber!!

posted by Norman at 8:34 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
No, nothing earth-shattering, but it kinda hit me today that I have to look for a new job. This entails me having to re-do my resume. OH MY GOD.

i HAAAAAAAAATE looking for a job!! i HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE it!!! That's part of the reason that I liked my current job so much... if I didn't like what I was doing, I could just change departments (granted, I never did, but the option was there.)

But now I have to go to a NEW place where NO ONE knows me, or GETS my personality and I have to INTERVIEW and update my RESUME!!


Have I mentioned that my resume is 8 years out of date, and I don't have the first FREAKING clue of how to bring it up to speed?

This is a nightmare.

The only good thing is that my current supervisor and a headquarters person have agreed to write me letters of recommendation. How spiffy is that?

And I get to put on my resume under Awards & Commendations the fact that my group just won an award for a presentation that we put together (which I scripted and finalized thankyouverymuch) last year. It comes with a nice cash bonus... o yeah...

But I was reviewing my resume, and have realized that it needs to be TOTALLY redone. A complete overhaul if you will.

Have I mentioned how much I hate interviewing for a job?


BTW, I'm told that it's National De-Lurking week.

So go ahead, make my day... let me know if you're a'lurkin' or not.

Ciao! Toodles! Adios! CYA!!

Oh wait, before I sign off... let me give you MY OPINION of the stupid ass fight currently bubbling between Rosie & The Donald.

Please. How fucking stupid? Now - you gotta know that I'm not particularly fond of either person. I think they are both self-centered divas, but I have to lean towards Rosie on this little drama. I don't care how ticked off at a person you are - you DON'T go on public TV and start blaring about their fat ass, and drilling them between their fat eyes. Especially when that person happens to be plus sized. That was a juvenile attack - and I really expected more finesse from him in his retaliation. Just goes to show you that money can buy you lots of things, but apparently not class. Or a better quality toupee. (See? I can say that because I'm not on TV)

And one more edit: I'm trying out the new Hoodia diet. I think I'm a little testy. I don't believe I've lost any weight either.... I'll be sure to do a normanized consumer report later.

posted by Norman at 8:46 PM | Permalink | 17 comments
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Who'da thunk it
Did you know that spankings cause pimp-hos?


Ethan has informed me that I should no longer spank him because it's giving him PIMP-HOS. On his REAR.

He is appalled.

Then I caught him trying to give Avery pimp-hos, so I had to infect him with the possibility of even MORE pimp-hos.

Ashton tried to educate him on the correct pronunciation of "Pimples", but he INSISTS it's Pimp-hos.

And we are ALL at a loss as to why he is acquiring pimp-hos on his rear.

Maybe it's time to change the laundry detergent.

Or maybe it's time to wonder how he noticed pimp-hos on his rear. They weren't there last night, but they are there now. Coincidently, after he got a thumpin' for trying to jam a fork in an electrical outlet....using his baby sister as the guinea pig.

posted by Norman at 7:56 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Friday, January 05, 2007
A Toy Review: by norman
As another PSA for everyone out there, let me introduce you to this:

This would be "Shadow Magic".

Essentially, it's a light-sensitive screen that you hang on your wall (or door), and capture shadows with. Santa brought this for Ethan for Christmas.

Silly Santa.

Now, Ethan didn't get around to actually playing with this toy until tonight. He was much too caught up with all his new Thomas the Train junk to even THINK about playing with his other stuff. So tonight was the night.

First - I want you all to realize that I am typing this post in a semi-blind state. That's what happens when you give your five year old child a strobe-like device with STRICT INSTRUCTIONS to NEVER flash it in someone's face. ***FLASH*** "I'M BLIND!!" (that's what I yelped as I fell over Avery). So she started crying 'cause I landed on her.

OK. I blinked thru the initial spots blocking my vision and crawled off my 2 year old. Grabbed the little flashy thing from Ethan and started over:

"Ok. DON'T!! I repeat ... DON'T flash this in ANYONE'S eyes EVER again!!! Did you just see Mommy squash Avery?! DON'T DO IT AGAIN!"

"yes mommy"

"All right... now then. What you do - is stand in front of your green screen, and FACE THE WALL"

So he did. I flipped off the overhead light, aimed the flashy thing at my son (since his back was to me), and zapped him.

Avery shrieked. "LIGHT!! LIGHT OWWWW!!!"

oh crap. I just blinded the baby. Ethan in the meantime, turned around to look at me to make sure that I saw his shadow was imprinted on the screen (which it was), just as Avery plowed into him in her blind dash from the room. Ethan & Avery bounced heads, started crying and both fell in to me. I staggered sideways, and as I tried to catch myself against the wall, managed to flash myself FULL FORCE with the damn light zapper. I also landed on Ethan's "Cranky Crane", which I then had to pry out of my butt. Real nice. No wonder it's called "Cranky" Now I'm cranky.

I'm also blind. I think Avery is too. She keeps trying to grab the little spots that are floating around in her partial vision. See that illustration in the third bubble? Notice it says "Arrggghh??" I think it's a subliminal hint to prospective buyers.

The Shadow Blaster is neatly packed away in the closet until his father gets home. I'll let my son blind him. It'll be payback for him being gone.

All in all, I give this toy FOUR STARS for actually doing what it is supposed to do....and ONE STAR because it frickin' blinded me.

and this concludes, Norman's toy review

posted by Norman at 8:10 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride **sob**
Ah me.

I guess the "Blog Awards" are coming. I didn't get nominated. Again.

But then I was looking back over all my posts, and I decided that....well - it sucks. Except for this post. That post was a good one. At least - that's what a couple of you guys said! But alas... there's no category for a SINGLE post. It's gotta be the whole blog. Nuts.

But oh well!! On that note, and being the "bridesmaid" that I am - I'll go along with the request on Subservient Worker's blog, Wide Lawns Narrow Minds, and cast my nomination for her. I'm also going to nominate Tammy from Rant & Ravin' Haven because she asked ever so nicely as well.

Well hell. I'll just nominate EVERYONE! Except me of course. Damn it. I'm still waiting to be part of the "Blogs of Note". Which at the rate I'm going will NEVER happen.


I've got a little PSA for everyone. (That's Public Service Announcement for those of you that aren't in to acronyms.)

Ya ready?

When you're dreaming that you're peeing in the bed ... wake up. 'Cause you probably really are. I'm just saying. Not from personal experience or anything... really.

posted by Norman at 6:14 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Monday, January 01, 2007
I got the pow-wah!!!
Oh man!!! I discovered this awesome ability of mine today!!! I'm the MOST influential person in the world!! I'VE GOT THE POW-WAH!!!

I stumbled upon this power today by accident. You see - I know some of you will find this hard to believe, but I have a hard time staying still. Something to do with an attention deficit thing, blah blah blah.

But I was at the airport sitting down trying to watch a movie. I just couldn't concentrate on it. Too many people were walking around, and besides - I was getting antsy. So I packed up my crap, and with an hour to spare - decided to go wander over to the boarding area. I walked over there with all my crap of course, and then decided to watch the planes leaving & taking off. So I put my stuff down, and stood over near the "A" group boarding area.


APPARENTLY, when one person stands in the A group boarding area, this incites EVERYONE to flock over to the boarding gate and hover. I found this to be quite amusing. Especially since there was like an HOUR before the plane was due to arrive. So I plopped down on the floor and finished watching Shawshank Redemption. It was great to see all the people shifting around and grumbling about losing their places in line if they were to sit back down.

So that happened at the San Antonio airport. Seeing as you can't fly directly to Amarillo from SA, but have to stop over in Dallas, I decided to try this again. I deplaned, visited the potty room, and camped out at the A group boarding line again. SAME FRICKIN SHIT HAPPENED AGAIN!

Only this time someone complained to me about how I started the rush. So I laughed at him. He was not amused. I guess he got offended when I called him a lemming.

But yeah. I got the POWER to make people stand in lines for ridiculously long periods of time at the airport. I didn't care, I had me a DVD player and a great book....and I was first on the plane. BONUS!!

Anyway - did everyone have a happy frickin' new year?! I did! My hubby & I hung out at the Dave & Busters in San Antonio. It wasn't overly crowded, but we had fun anyway. Besides, we were pooped out on crowds. We had been on the Riverwalk at Howl at the Moon, and I think we were still hungover from that night. We went on Friday and partied with all the "Hawkeye" people there for some football game. Then my husband decided to pee in the Riverwalk so we had to go home because at that point the police were coming.

posted by Norman at 7:16 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Get awesome blog templates like this one from