Friday, March 31, 2006
I'm wondering if I should link this post under the "Ghost Posts". We had a very strange thing happen last night, and if it WAS a ghostly occurence, I'm gonna kick me some ghost ass.

About 3:00am, I woke up to a loud thump and clonk. The thump and clonk sound was directly to my side. Now, let me give you a brief overview of the logistics of my bedroom. We have a three bedroom house, which means, the older two kids each have their own room, and the baby still bunks with us. Next to my bed. When she starts to sleep consistently through the night, I'm going to move her in with her older sister. But for now, she sleeps in our room. Anyway, the thump and clonk came from the side of the room where the baby sleeps. When she wakes up at night, I instantly wake up as well. It's just a mommy thing. However - last night, all I heard was thump and clonk. The thump was her hitting the floor. The clonk was her head hitting the side of my bed. Then the screaming began. Hers. Mine. My husband trying to make us be quiet.

I turned the light on to check her out, make sure nothing was broken - the whole nine yards. Aside from a goose egg on her skull, she was just fine. So I calmed her and myself down, and looked at the crib. Very strange. Nothing was out of place. In fact, the more I thought about it, the stranger it seems. Since she is in our room, we place a blanket on the crib rail to block light so that she won't wake up easily as my husband and I go in and out of the bedroom after she goes to sleep. The blanket was still in place. Now - if she had hauled herself out of the crib, that blanket should have fallen to the floor. It was in the same position that we had placed it. So unless she somehow grew springs in her feet and JUMPED out of the crib, how the hell did she fall out?? Eh?? Answer that for me!!! The second strange thing is, how quiet she was. When she wakes up, she grunts, she squeaks, she cries a little bit. Not last night. It's almost as if she was picked up while sleeping, and dropped to the floor. In which case I'm very very very angry with this ghost. Why would anyone want to hurt a baby? A sleeping baby? MY BABY?!

So today, I went and bought a crib tent. It's a net that you basically wrap around the crib to prevent young Houdinis from The Great Escape. That freaking thing cost $75.00. But at least she'll be secure. I hope.

God. Everytime I think about her falling out last night, I cringe. She could have snapped her neck... she could have cracked her head open on the side of my bed (it's got a wooden rail on the bottom that she hit). So many could'ves happened in like.... 5 seconds last night. I'm just thankful she's okay. But I'm still suspicious as to HOW it happened...

So what do you guys think... ghostly occurence or Houdini kid?

**make sure you tell me if you think it's ghostly... that way I'll know if I should link it to the ghost post button.

posted by Norman at 3:24 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Oil Change?
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycling center.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

And.... I learned a new word today!!! "F'donk"
posted by Norman at 7:58 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
You may or may not know this, but I have ugly, jacked-up feet. My left foot big toe has an ingrown toenail. I've been trying to soak my feet and pamper them, but my nail is still ingrown, and my feet are still jacked-up.

So tonight - after feeling my ingrown toenail trying to push up out of the top of my toe (seriously guys... there's a piece of my toenail growing through my toe!) I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I will have you know that I DUG OUT my toenail and stopped it from growing out of my toe. It was quite the experience to do this minor surgery but it's DONE!

So now I'm going to go find an area where no one else is around and scream my freaking head off from the pain. Then I'm going to quietly limp back to the house and slather cream all over my feet and go to bed. Maybe it won't be so sore in the morning.

Just thought you'd like to know!!
posted by Norman at 9:06 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Blunk Drogging
YES!!! It's blunk drogging time again (drunk blogging)!!!! I get so few opportunities to do this. In fact, from here on out I think I will leave all the typos in so you can laugh at my efforts. Starting NOW.

I had a math test tonight. I think I aced it, wit the exception of leaving a - (negative sighn) off a number thankyouverymuch. I caught the error AFTER I had turned in the test so that wasdisgusting to me but oh well. I'll take a 98 on a math test anyday.

Anyway - after the test, a coworker - who just happens to be taking the course with me - and I decided to go out for margaritas afterwards. Now - I never go out without my husband... we really do enjoy each ohter when we get the chance, but the opportunity arose and I grabbed it. I called my husband and told him I was going out for 'rita swirls and he was okay with it so BONUS!

My friend and I were sitting at the bar chatting. After a little while (2 drinks later) we were getting ready to go, when some guys decided to start putting the moves on us.

People - I've not had someone 'put the moves' on me in quite a while. It was ssooooooo funny. These guys tried to tell us that they were with the FBI and investigating a counterfeit ring. So I called their bluff. See, what they don't know is - I know who works there. I gave them the "oh really" reply complete with upraised eyebrows. When they continued to affirm this, my coworker was punching me in the back because she was trying not to laugh... she knows that I know they were full of shit, but they don't know that I KNOW they're full of shit. After I the "oh really" line.... I followed up with... "So who'se your SAC?" To which the mouthy one went "What's that mean?" and his friend goes "It means she's onto you and the jig is up. Back away from the chicks." But he didn't stop. After about 5 minutes of him continuing with the FBI crap, we started to leave, when he pulled out the tired old "Hey - don't I know you?" bit. I looked back at him to tell him.... "Sorry - don't know ya" when I realized that ummmm... "Yeah... I think you DO look familiar". (SHIT I HATE SMALL TOWNS) Then he said "HEY!! I've been to your house" and my reply ? "YOU PEED ON MY DOG!" because that's what this guy did. Turns out he's some guy that worked with my husband, and him and his wife came over once a while back. He did pee on our dog, but that's the LAST time he ever came over. (Cause he peed on my dog). He was also one of those people that are "close talkers". You know the kind. Seinfeld did an episode on it once. The kind that get right in your face to talk to you? So I told him... YES!! You peed on my dog and you're a CLOSE TALKER!!! Of course he denied it, while he's in my face. But I told him that's what he was. Cause I can. And I did.

So this guy that was blatantly HITTING on me, was a former co-worker of my husbands, and is actively seeking a job at the place I work. HAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!

And that my friends, is why you can't do anything in a small town without everyone knowing about it. Because in the middle of all this.... without me knowing about it..... was my sister-in-law and brother-in-law at a different table watching. I had no frickin clue they were there. The only way I found out they were there was because I went to the bathroom and left my phone at the bar. My husband called to see how I was doing, and before my coworker friend could answer the phone, my brother-in-law jumped up... ran across the restaurant and answered it for me. LOL. So my husband was really surprised to hear my brother in law pick up the phone, but at least I had verification of the night's occurences through them.

OK> Off to bed now. need to drink water before sleeping though. Tequila headaches are the worst.
posted by Norman at 8:38 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I can't believe it's not Mel

Bleargh. The "I can't believe it's not Butter" people are using FABIO as their spokesperson.

Like it's supposed to turn me on or something. Well - or something is right. This guy is just NASTY. LOOK!

He has NEVER done one thing for me. Nuttin'. I've always thought of the guy as pitiful. Now look. This picture from above was taken in the mid-80's. I just saw his newest commercial, and the only thing about his hairstyle that has changed, is the color. Now it's dark brown. He looks like an old guy that's trying to be youthful and it just isn't cutting it. Not that he ever did anything for me before. He's just so.....fake

I don't know why I have such an aversion to him, but he's always nastied me out. Even when he was in his heyday. If he ever had a heyday that is. I think all he ever did was pose for a bunch of covers of those sappy "Catch me Fuck me" books. Yech.

Now. If the butter people would smarten up. They'd use my boy:

Now... THIS would make me buy their butter. MMmmMMMMmmmHHHmmm. I'd slather a buncha Mel butter on whatever I wanted to eat every frickin day. Really. He seems to be such a real man, rather than that wanna-be pretty thing up there. And I use the term "pretty" as just a term. He ain't pretty.

So - do you think the Butter People will see this and change their spokesperson? Who's up for helping me with a letter-writing campaign to the Butter People?

posted by Norman at 8:26 PM | Permalink | 17 comments
Saturday, March 25, 2006
In my In-Box
Hey HEY!!!

Not much to say today. I've actually got FREE TIME! WOOHOO! The older kids are at this place called Jump & Jive with their dad, and Avery's taking a bonus nap (she's already had one nap today - so... BONUS!)

I just wanted to share something I got in my e-mail today. It made ME laugh!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the theater and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
posted by Norman at 2:04 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Thursday, March 23, 2006
We just figured out Blue's Clues!!
O help me.... Help me please!! I've GOT to do something about myself. I'm expanding!!!!!!!!! Is it... could it be.... middle age approaching??? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! But at least it's entertaining my children.

I got home from work today, and corralled the dogs. They were so happy to see me, jumping and frolicking around my feet. It was cute until I fell down. Which means the dogs think I'm playing. I made it into the house and dusted myself off. I hurried to get dinner ready for the kids (spaghetti!), when Ashton & Ethan wandered in. I had my back to them as I stirred the noodles, when all of a sudden - I heard Ethan start chattering excitedly: "A CLUE A CLUE!!!!" "A clue??" I asked him, "You see a clue?! Where is it?" Actually, I had glanced at the TV to see if Blue's Clues was on, because I was going to change it real fast. That show drives me up the wall. "ON YOUR BOTTOM!" he yelled excitedly - as he ran for some paper to draw the clue. I turned and looked, and yup... square on my ass is a perfect paw print. Oh. Ha ha ha . I brushed it off, and decided to play along. Heck - it was keeping him busy. Ashton decided to help him with drawing the clue - which was my butt - and let me tell you... this is where my weight anxiety has blossomed.

Apparently - my children think I'm a walking talking Bartlett Pear. I was afraid to ask them if they knew what the clue meant (but then again - I think I figured it out....)

So now I'm trying to figure out ways to drop some ballast quickly... and I really have no pawprint clue (except for the one on my ass that is) I was always that skinny bitch that could eat anything and never gain an ounce. I was ALSO one of those girls that would 'forget' to eat for 2 days straight. No such chance of me forgetting to eat now! Shit!! But I've never really had to diet or exercise. So I have decided that I really REALLY need some sort of regiman in order to regain my skinnier self. Anybody have any suggestions for a really good quick little workout that I can do at home?? I can't afford a gym membership, and I think I would really just prefer to do one of those videos , but which ones are the best??
posted by Norman at 8:23 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Brrrrr again! It's cold again! What's up with that? It was the first day of Spring yesterday, and we had SNOW. And it was snowing again today as I was driving home. Do you know what it's like to drive in TEXAS when it's snowing? Everybody freaks the hell out. The traffic was horrible. I had to slow it down to 60mph on my way home it was so bad. I hate rush hour. Especially when it's snowing. And why does everybody and their dog visit the grocery store when the forecast calls for snow? I couldn't find a grocery cart anywhere - the checkout lines were all the way to the back of the store, and all I wanted was a gallon of milk. It wasn't like the snow forecast was for like 5 feet of snow or anything... it was MAYBE one inch. grrrrrrrrr

By the way -- I've got a real busy month coming up... we're having an inspection/audit right now, and it lasts two weeks, then I'm headed to DC for a week. My posting might be a little sporadic - but I'm still here!!!
posted by Norman at 7:13 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Monday, March 20, 2006
oooo yeah
Want to know how to make me instantly happy??
Want to know how I drive my husband insanely jealous??
Want to know how to keep me in line??

Buy me a 24 inch widescreen flat panel monitor and I AM YOURS!

Well, since I got a new one of these puppies at work today, I guess I'll keep working there. It'd be craziness to quit!! Craziness!

My husband does NOT want to talk to me right now if I begin my conversation with "Guess what I got at work today!!" He is actually sulking. He just doesn't want to hear about it. So I'll tell ya'll!! I got me a NICE NEW 24 INCH WIDESCREEN MONITOR AND IT ROOOOOCKKSS!!

So - I wonder, if I quit there, will they let me keep the monitor?
posted by Norman at 8:45 PM | Permalink | 21 comments
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Well ... drat
I rarely remember my dreams. Rarely. It makes me wonder if I dream every night, but I think everyone dreams all the time. Is that a true statement? I dunno. Sometimes I'll remember I dreamt when I wake up - think OH!! What a cool dream - I'll have to write it down, 2 hours later... it's gone. Occasionally, I have a real humdinger of a dream, and THEN I'll remember it. Forever. Those dreams are typically extremely vivid, and only happen when there is something traumatic in my life. Except for last night. I wanted to dream about Mel, Heath & Jason Isaac (you know... Lucious Malfoy?? He's sssssssexy!!) Instead I dreamt that my teeth were painted silver, and the bottom two fell out. I had to go to the dentist, and he put the moves on me. That's it. I don't know WHAT that had to do with Mel Gibson, so I'm kinda pissed. I didn't see Mel or Heath or Jason ANYWHERE in that dream. So there's the trauma which explains why I remember it....

I was sitting here, trying to think about how I should write my Ouija Board story... and this probably explains why I never posted about it before. No matter how I tweak it - it comes out boring. Blah blah plain whitebread boring.... So here it is!

My friend and I decided to raise the dead by trying to communicate with Jack the Ripper. We went into the garage (cause it was the darkest part of the house since it was broad daylight out) and lit the requisite candle. We sat there on the floor and rested our hands lightly on the dillywopper that's supposed to move around. Then we began calling him. At first, we tried to call the name of ol' Jack then concentrate on him. Then we began chanting his name, and then we fell into fits of giggles, and seeing who could push the thing around the board while trying to freak the other out. After about 15 minutes of this foolishness, we gave up. Neither of our hands were on the pointer when the thing MOVED. On its own - it just MOVED. The candle also started flickering wildly, but there were no drafts in the garage so that was very very strange. While we were trying to comprehend that thing moving, and the candle flame flickering, we heard a scuffle-bump come from one of the dark corners of the garage and that was the end of it for us. We both ran out of there screaming. Left the game, the candle, and whatever was scufflebumping around behind. My dad came careening around the corner of the house in time to catch us as we babbled about Jack the Ripper. He went into the garage, packed away the game and put it up. That's the LAST time I ever played Ouija.

See? Boring. I mean, it scared the doo-doo out of me at the time, but it's kinda tame now in light of all the weirdness that "IS" at my house now. Incidentally!!! Someone who posts comments on here as "anonymous" was over here a while back, helping my husband build a fence. There was an 'incident' that HE saw where the door to the room the baby was sleeping in suddenly was "opened" when before it was shut!! HA!! See?? We're not the only ones that this thing shows it's non-face to!

********************EDIT ALERT!!! EDIT ALERT!!!!************************

posted by Norman at 8:44 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I was going to do a post about my Ouija board story, but ya know what? I'm watching "The Patriot" and Mel Gibson, Jason Isaac, and Heath Ledger are all on the screen right on, so I'm WAAAAAY too busy to post about it now. I'm going to watch their butts this movie, then go to bed and see what kind of dreams this will conjure up... Sorry !!!
posted by Norman at 10:43 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Friday, March 17, 2006
It's OUIJA... not WEEGIE!!!!
I cannot tell you how many times my blog has been 'hit' by people trying to find out information on a "weegie" board.

I had a post earlier this month, that briefly mentioned a "Weegie" Board. Since then, I've had hits of people searching for the following stuff:

1. Weegie Board
2. How to make a Weegie Board
3. Weegie Board and peanuts
4. Weegie Board spiritual
5. Weegie Board seance
6. Weegie Board raising the devil (eeeeeek!!!)
7. Naked Weegie

OK. Lots of searches. These are just the ones that I remember. But guys - there are a LOT of people looking for "Weegie Boards". So let me help:


1. - let me help you. Why don't you try searching for OUIJA first? That's what this thing is really called. It's not a WEEGIE board... it's a OUIJA board, (pronounced WEE-JAH.. with a soft 'j' sound.... mmm'kay??)

2. - I don't know how to make them.

3. - Peanuts?

4. - Did you mean spirits?? LOL.

5. - the seances are BOGUS !! I swear it's your friends pushing that little dillywopper around....

6. - ummm... I'm a little leery about laughing at that particular search. (freaky people!)

7. - oOOoooOOO!! I like the idea !!

Soooooo.... have I ever told you guys about the very last time I ever played "Ouija"? HEY!! Maybe me playing with the Ouija board opened a spiritual world door that never shut?? Do you think that could possibly explain all the ghostly shit that happens to me? Could it be the fault of that freaking OUIJA BOARD?? I can't remember! Have I ever told you this story?
posted by Norman at 7:20 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
A Hard Lesson Learned
Sorry. Nothing funny today.

You know that old adage about not burning your bridges? Well - call this a tough lesson to take. Years ago, my husband worked for a man that he had personality clashes with. The only reason he got hired, was because this guy thought he'd help us out by offering him a job that paid more. I was pregnant with our first, and my husband was pulling minimum wage at his current job. He'd heard of my husband's need for a better job through his wife - who was my mother's hairstylist. (Are you following the small-town relationship here?) Anyway - this guy offered my husband an apprenticeship as a real estate adjustor. This man is a loud and abrasive sort, who's heart is geniunely in the right place. My husband can be a somewhat pessimistic person and does not like having to 'work for' others. They clashed. I won't give out all the details, but my husband quit. After he left, the guy sent us a somewhat inflammatory letter, and we ended up taking a step that in retrospect - we should not have done. My in-laws lambasted us, and told us we had been nothing but spiteful in what we had done, and in the future we would surely regret it. The phrase - "You just burned a bridge" was thrown out there. Out of this spiteful mean action that we took, we lost our good 'couple' friend, that just happened to be his stepson and not to mention my mother no longer felt comfortable using his wife as a stylist.

With the loss of the friends, I thought that was our lesson to be learned the hard way, and we moved on with our life. Over the years, we have attempted to contact the stepson, and tell them that we consider the past the past. But they never picked up on our offer of re-friendship. We never made an attempt to 'fix the bridge' with the former employer. But we did regret what we had done.

That bridge that we burned 8 years ago has loomed before us again, and it is once again uncrossable. This time forever.

My husband's former boss is also a volunteer firefighter. He was fighting one of the many devastating fires here in the Texas Panhandle. While driving a fire truck along an embankment, the heat-weakened ledge gave way and he rolled the firetruck. He suffered a broken back, crushed ribs, and severe head injuries. He is currently in the ICU at the hospital in critical condition.

We've had 11 deaths attributed to these fires so far, and for all intents and purposes, he will be the 12th. My mother was just up at the hospital. He suffered two massive strokes today, and is essentially brain-dead. From here on out, it is only a waiting game.

That whole family has been devastated by this and there is nothing my husband and I can do for them. I want nothing more than to just be able to go there and be there for them, but I know that since there were hard feelings on both sides after our 'action', we would not be welcome. I am sitting here and the family is weighing heavily on my mind. My husband and I feel terrible. This one little thing that we did 8 years ago - is still haunting us. I thought the price we paid was the loss of good friends, but now it has moved to the loss of good friends, and the finality of not being able to tell the person we'd wronged that we're sorry.

So I'm calling this a hard lesson learned. And it hurts.
posted by Norman at 7:19 PM | Permalink | 16 comments
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
It's Insanity!
In my head!! Insanity I tell you!

I have so many things to say, that there is a whirlwind going on right now. Everytime I think of something to write, it gets jumbled up with something else that I want to blog about. Then to top it all off, my kids are sick - and not in bed at their regular time. This is my normal blogging time, and I've got kids hovering around me, a husband helicoptering around me, and NO PERSONAL DOWN TIME!!!


So I'll be back in a little bit with a REAL POST.
posted by Norman at 6:48 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Hot Potato Hot Potato!
Great. Now I have that friggin' Wiggles song in my head. (cold spaghetti cold spaghetti).

Let's have fun with this ya'll:

It's my Potato!! Let's see how far she can go!
posted by Norman at 8:23 PM | Permalink | 21 comments
Friday, March 10, 2006
Do you know me?
I stole this from Pack of 2's blog. They stole it from another one of their friends. This was fun! Let me know if you guys make one of your own so I can play too!!

How well do you know Norman?

Good luck!
posted by Norman at 9:34 PM | Permalink | 16 comments
Thursday, March 09, 2006
In my In-Box
I get some weird, very strange e-mails from my friends. Some of them, like this - leave me mostly speechless.

This link is rated R!! (heheheee - - that little comment is for my one local reader, and he knows who he is!)

While very strange, and very weird - I found myself watching it to the very "end". (and yes - I was laughing!)

posted by Norman at 7:38 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I was attacked!

Cute bunny, huh? Yeah...real cute. Little fucker ATTACKED me this morning! Can rabbits get rabies? This cute litte fuzzy bunny chased me down this morning and freaked the crap out of me.

I was walking into work, minding my own business - when WHUMP! Something slammed into my calf. I looked down, and there was a rabbit. That little mofo was about to run into me again. It lunged at me, and I skittered sideways, losing my cup of coffee (CRAP!SHIT!) in the process. Of course, there were witnesses. The transportation crew was sitting outside their little trailer just hoo ha-ing away. I backed up and stared at this deranged rabbit in amazement. All I was trying to do was walk to my building!! There are rabbits all over the freaking place where I work. Usually, they stay in the grassy areas and we people stay on our sidewalks. I was on the sidewalk. The Human Domain. I never ventured into Bunny Domain. I was in the people place, so this bunny was clearly out of line. But he didn't care. I edged closer to the edge of the sidewalk, and trying to ignore the cries of "Hey Norm! Watch out - He's a killer!" and "Run Norman Run!" I slowly made my way towards my building. The rabbit kept watching me. Fricking bizarre. I got about 6 steps away from him and he went after me again, so I did the next logical thing: "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!" and took off running. This of course was very entertaining for the watchers. The damn rabbit hit my leg two more times before I made it to my building. I whipped open the door, shut it and heard the rabbit hit the door. DAMN!!

It's got to be one of these things:

1) The rabbit had babies very nearby where I was
2) The rabbit is rabid
3) It's a devil bunny

Now - I've told you this before, but my place of employment is equivalent to the size of a small town. EVERYBODY knows about my attacker this morning. I had people e-mailing me pictures of rabbits. Some of the more creative ones were photo-shopped pictures of rabbits sporting vampire teeth. Another one sent to me was a rabbit that appeared to be posing with its paw on my head (someone photoshopped my badge picture into it) . All.very.entertaining. Har.Dee.Har.Har.

And at the end of the day, the yard crew manager told me that they were going to bait the area around my office building to 'rid' the ferocious beasts. Apparently - they really are kicking around the idea of rabies, and they do need to exterminate the creatures. I am very sad about this. I've been there for 7 years, and I've never been attacked by a rabbit. They are mostly cute little things. I did mention to the yard guy that the rabbit might be drunk. We have been fueling our cars with Ethanol, and the rabbits have been chewing the wires on the cars to get to the alcohol in the gas. Maybe it was a drunk rabbit? Maybe it was hungover? I don't know. All I know is that because I got whammed in the leg by a stupid rabbit - I'll have the deaths of hundreds of rabbits hanging over me. Just call me Elmer freaking Fudd.
posted by Norman at 8:34 PM | Permalink | 18 comments
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I'm so blue
I'm so blue.


I'm naught but a Multicellular Microorganism in the TTLB EcoSystem . Last week I was a Crunchy Crustacean, but now I'm down to a Multicellular Microorganism.

Everybody else I see gets to be a Flappy Bird or an Adorable Rodent, even a Slithering Reptile... but not me. ~~sniff sniff~~

At first I understood it to be that it's a sort of link counter, and it counts the different links you have and rates you that way. But I thought wroooooong... go figure.

Apparently - the person who's linking to you must be a member of the EcoSystem as well, in order for the links to count. Oh - I could add your weblog myself, but I think that's cheating.

But I'm blue. I'll never be a flappy bird... (doncha love my pity party?) I suppose I should remove my "Multicellular Microorganism" announcement, but that would be admitting defeat. I guess I will just plod along doggedly, striving for the ever elusive flappy bird status in my pitiful attempt to elicit your membership to the TTLB EcoSystem, which - incidentally is free and totally painless! Go on.. you know you wanna be flappy birds too....
posted by Norman at 8:16 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Monday, March 06, 2006
Just a few of the lessons that I'm trying to teach my son:

1. The toilet is NOT a carwash. Stop throwing the "Hot Wheels" in there and flushing.
2. You don't need a whole roll of toilet paper to wipe your winkie after peeing. Really.
3. No peanut butter on the baby. Ever.Again.
4. Your older sister is not interested in being a springboard
5. You do NOT want to be a garbage man when you are older - even though they have cool trucks.

I had someone e-mail me wondering why I seem to showcase my son more often than my other two. The reason is not because I don't care about my others - it's just he's more insane than the girls. Did you ever see that movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin in it? Remember his youngest son that would stick a bucket on his head and run into the walls? Yeah? Well - he's like that. And he HAS done the bucket trick.

My oldest daughter is a joy that I'm ever so glad to have. She's actually my guinea-pig and I tell her this. If I make a mistake in something I do or say - I'm the first to apologize and let her know that I make mistakes at times, but that I'm still learning how to be a mommy. Really. I've never had a 7 year old before, and she's the one who I learn through on child-raising. She's so understanding and gracious about it. I "make-up" the mistakes to her by having a special "girl day" set aside for us occasionally. We'll go pottery painting, or to the movies or just rollerskating. Just us two.

My youngest daughter is trying very hard to be competetive with her brother's insanity. I'm pretty sure that she'll be the main subject here before too long. That kid is flat out MEAN - to the point where my mother told me I'd better start working with her baby 'tude before it got out of hand. She's pretty tough!

SO!! From my list of lessons that I'm trying to teach my son - does anyone have anything to add for me to look out for? What lesson have you had to teach your child that could be useful to me for the future??

*****Edited to add**************

oh - and by the way - Here are some of the freaky keyword searches I've had today:

Num Perc. Search Term

6 35.29% i am norman
2 11.76% ghost whisperer covered face
1 5.88% greg's nipple
1 5.88% making a weegie board
1 5.88% dealing with nosy neighbors
1 5.88% metal backyard gym set
1 5.88% storm chasing roofers
1 5.88% a man named norman movie
1 5.88% fox in socks wav
1 5.88% picture of coffee beans mans face
1 5.88% weegie board

My question? Why is someone looking for Greg's Nipple on my blog?
posted by Norman at 7:47 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Got my eyebrows waxed yesterday. That's like the THIRD time I've done that. Ever.
I think the first time I did it, I decided to nevereverever do it again (without tequila). The second time I did it, I remembered that I thought I might need tequila. Anyway - on to yesterday. I was at the mall, and saw a sign that said "Walk-ins Welcome". I had my two older kids with me and asked them if they would mind waiting 5 MINUTES. Just 5 MINUTES, while Mommy got her hair pulled off her face. That seemed to pique their curiousity - so they agreed.

I sat at the little torture seat chair used for waxing, and let them go fer it. Ethan was gazing at me with big eyes. "Does that hurt?" he looked worried. "Oh no, sweetie. It feels nice and warm. Putting the wax on my eyebrows doesn't hurt at all." He continued to watch closely as the dominatrix wax lady smoothed the cloth strips over the wax. RRRRIP!!!!!!!!!!! "YOW!" Crap. I couldn't help yelling just a little bit. That shit HURTS! I looked over at Ethan, his little mouth was hanging open. Ashton was just holding her hands over HER eyebrows in a protective manner. For once... both kids were staying where I told them too. Round two coming up.. the wax was being applied to my brows again and Ethan was leaning in for a better view. "RRRRRIIPP!" Now... my kids are sitting right there, so I had to become creative with my language: "BLLAAAAH BLAHBLAH BLAH That hurts!" Yes. I actually said blah blah blah. Ethan's face swam into view, blurred by the standing tears in my eyes. "Mommy," he whispered "are you going to get a lollipop for this?" Now THAT sent me into hysterics. I had the wax lady telling me to sit still or she would get my brows crooked, but I couldn't help it - That was too freaking cute! When he gets a shot at the doc's office, he always gets a lollipop to 'make it all better'. heeeh!!

Finally - they finished, and my eyes stopped watering, so I went up to the register to pay and leave. As I was handing over my card, Ashton put her hand on my arm. "Wait. Did you just PAY someone to pull your hair out?!" "Well, yeah. They like to get paid for that... yes" "You're crazy! I'd never pay someone to pull my hair out!" My response? "Well - just wait until you hit 35 young lady!! You'll pay to have two eyebrows again! Mark my words!"

We left into the mall area and Ashton stopped me again. "Mommy - put your sunglasses on! Your eyebrows are bright red! You look like a clown! "

Ah... my kids. I love 'em! I don't know what I'd do without them... really! But now - I tell ya - they think I'm the toughest mom out there because I got my eyebrows pulled out. (Shhhh.. don't tell them that other people do that on a regular basis!)
posted by Norman at 7:50 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Letter to my Pets:
Letter to My Pets: When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest. Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite sometime -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's/cat's behind. To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain AboutOur Pets ---

1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's call "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because: ---- they don't ask for money all the time ---- they are easier to train ---- they usually come when called ---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends ---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and ---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children, legally!
posted by Norman at 7:42 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Curious George Up...

I found this picture when I was blog hopping around. Stolen from Jokes & Funny Pictures Blog.

posted by Norman at 7:53 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Friday, March 03, 2006
You were a little girl in the 70's if:

You wore a rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves, and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.
You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.
Playing "Light as a feather, stiff as a board" Truth or dare and let's not forget the ol' "Weegie Board"
You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.
You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.
You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels.
You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (admit it!)
You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.
You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.
You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie," not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. People sometimes thought you were a boy.
Your Holly Hobby sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.
You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon. You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits.
You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze. The swing set tipped over at least once.
You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.
You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!
You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink.
Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it "pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.
You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.
You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic.
You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend. Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the movie, "Annie" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day.
YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!
It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!
You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield & Scott Baio?"
You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame Soundtrack record album.
You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. (I believe they were called loom loopers". )
You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!
You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker.
You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club. Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing.
You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.)
You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.
You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs
You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.
You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.
You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.
You spent all your allowance on smurfs and stickers for your sticker album!
Drowning yourself in Love's Baby Soft - which was the first "real" perfume you ever owned . . . Let's not forget:

QT - the first self tanner (turned us all Orange)
Catching lightening bugs in jars
All the Bonnie Bell lip gloss you could fit in your purse

and the Gloria Vanderbilt jeans with the little swan
posted by Norman at 7:31 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Like I needed another obsession. I've been playing with this for the past hour (since the kids went to bed).

I think I've beaten it about 25% of the time, but damn!! Just when I think I've fooled it - it WINS!

Yes I know. Sucky post - but I tell ya. I'm OBSESSED WITH FOOLING THIS GAME NOW!

And again... sucky post I know - but I'm kinda blah-ish today. It has to do with work. It really REALLY sucks that I can't even vent about it. Pisser. The only thing I can tell you about work today is that I went into the women's bathroom and someone had pooed down the OUTSIDE of the toilet bowl. How the hell did that happen? Simply disgusting. I thought women were supposed to be neater than that... And you know what?? After that sight - my day didn't get much better.

posted by Norman at 7:25 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
This was fun...
I was over at Steve's Nude Memphis Blog. Have you ever visited there? It's a funny blog - and he's added over on my blog list. Go drop in on him! He's crazy! Anyway - he had a link on his blog for this:

Facial Recognition Software


Here's what you do. You go to this site, and click the Try it Now button. It will ask you to register. No big deal. All they want is name & e-mail info (use a fake one if you want)... but this is FREE! You upload a photo of yourself, and click the option for the Celebrity Database.

I had so much fun!! I uploaded 3 photos of myself. While it DID give me a minor ego boost on some of it's celebrity matches - there was one celebrity that popped up for all three of my pictures. My husband says he agrees with it.

According to this software - I look most like Debra Winger. HAHAHHAHAHAAA!! I personally don't see the resemblance, but my husband flipped out. "YOU DO!! YOU DO LOOK LIKE HER!!" eh?? I've always thought she was kinda ugly, so I guess it must be true.

Some of the other 'resemblances' it gave me were: (and here's where the ego boost comes in - but don't worry, I don't believe it. I think their database was drinking)

Alyson Hannigan - That's the "One Time At Band Camp..." girl. I actually do kinda look like her.. more so than Debra Winger in my opinion!!
Cybill Shepherd - except I'm much nicer
Juliette Lewis - I kind of got offended over that one. She's WEIRD. I know I'm weird - but she's BEYOND WEIRD
Madeline Stowe - ego boost!
Jodie Foster - ego boost!
Eva Longoria - MAJOR ego boost!
Kelly Clarkson - I've actually had someone tell me I look like her - but I don't see it
Sinead O'Conner - Except I have hair
Charlize Theron - Ego boost! (hopefully not from the "Monster" movie)

All the above ego boosts are credited to the database programmer who obviously was doing tequila shots..

Some of the funnier comparables were:

David Schwimmer
Maurice Chevalier
Jason Donovan
Chloe Sevigny

So let me know if you tried it - and what it says! I'm off to go upload Someguy 101's head shots!!

posted by Norman at 7:45 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
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