Wednesday, May 30, 2007
An interesting little development
It's a neighborhood feud!! Damn - I'm gonna miss all the fireworks too...because this little tiff is just starting. These things ALWAYS percolate for a while before they hit the roiling boil. Damn Damn DAMN.

and such an entertaining little spat as well.

Mind you - I didn't clearly hear the words that were exchanged...just the yelling. But it went down something like this:

I was washing dishes and watching the world go by outside my kitchen window. Cute little birds were frolicking in the bushes, while sweet bunnies were nibbling at my grass. Like a stinkin' Disney cartoon out there. But then - the fun began. My neighbor across the street exited his house with his dog, preparing to go out for their nightly stroll. We'll call him Dumper.

They made it about 20 feet before the dog decided he had to take a dump...on the next-door neighbor's lawn. We'll call him Dumpee. Dumper patiently waited for the dog to do his business, then continued with the walk. He left the smelly mess on Dumpee's freshly mowed lawn.

He had just disappeared around the corner, when Dumpee emerged from his house and looked at the poop on his yard. He looked left, he looked right, he looked at MY HOUSE (I ducked), and went back inside. He came back out almost immediately with a purpose to his step and a pissed off look on his face. His hands were covered by two baggies. Curious - I watched as he walked over to the dog shit, stooped over, PICKED IT UP in his baggied hands, and brought it over to Dumper's house, depositing it on his front step. Turning, he glanced up and down the street again (I ducked again), and trotted back home.

Geez. I hoped he washed his hands.

So. Seeing this little mini-drama unfold, I quickly finished the dishes, grabbed the lawn chairs, the kids, a margarita, their scooters, and went outside.

I know a good time when I see it.

It really was a pretty evening out. The sun was just starting to set, and the kids were whizzing up and down the street on their scooters, oblivious to my nosy little soiree. By and by...Dumper came home.

The dog found the poop first. He ran up the walk to their house and stopped to sniff the present left by Dumpee. Dumper walked up and just stood there, looking at the turd that just magically appeared out of nowhere. He looked across the street at me. I waved a cheery little hello. After all... I didn't do it.

He glanced at the spot that his dog had originally left the stuff. Apparently - he decided that the crap did NOT magically sprout legs and walk back to his front door because he suddenly marched back inside with the dog in-tow.

I waited. But not for long!

He came back out with a poop shovel and scooped it up. I figured he was going to dispose of it like he should have in the first place -- but no. He flung it onto Dumpee's lawn and went back inside his house, shutting the door firmly.

Apparently Dumpee was watching. He came out the door like a shot with two new baggies over his hands. He picked up the pieces of poop and walked back over to Dumper's house. I thought he was going to place it back on his front step.

But I was wrong.

Dumpee SMASHED it onto Dumper's front door, and was halfway back to his house when Dumper burst out of his house with a great big "HEY!"

And then they started cussing at each other so I had to bring my kids back inside. I mean - I love a good argument, but I can't have my kids hearing that language.

By the time I got the kids inside and back to my window to watch - the neighbor's were nose to nose and their respective wives were trying to pull them away. Dumper's dog was in their window watching as well. I think he was laughing. After much finger shaking and griping, they each went inside.

I cannot WAIT for tomorrow's walk!

**
edit alert
**

It should also be noticed that I finally FINALLY remembered to update my blog list. If I missed you on there, please let me know so that I can adjust my link list. I'll get to it....eventually. Just ask the people that I added today. I'll do it - just don't know when. Oh - and my new list? It's not necessarily in order. So if you think I didn't add you - make sure you check first to make sure I just didn't type over an old link to add yours!! :-p


This edit alert brought to you courtesy of the blunk-drogging Norman
 
posted by Norman at 6:52 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
And a bottle of rum is EXACTLY what I need after having sat thru 2 3/4 hours of Pirates of the Caribbean.

But a margarita will have to suffice.

Now - don't get me wrong. I love watching me some Johnny Depp... but can anyone explain to me what the HELL was going on in that movie?

Aside from that, maybe I couldn't concentrate so much on the plot (plots?) because of all the INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLES that decided to sit around me and Ashton. I swear. If Ashton hadn't been there, I think I would have vaulted over a couple rows of theater seats to swat the damn cell phones out of people's hands. So very distracting. You know what they were doing? They were TEXTING each other throughout the entire movie. Losers. Who goes to movies and continually texts others?

Oh - and on top of that, there were a group of high school aged kids in the row with us. I refused to move my seat - because we were there FIRST DAMMIT, but they sat in the middle of the row and I don't know - but I think they had bladders the size of walnuts. Because they kept jumping up and hopping on my feet on their way past us to the restrooms. And they were texting each other too. The guy on the end was trying to set up a booty call with the girl on the other end of their group. I know this because I could read the stupid messages. And they WERE stupid. I don't know about you guys - but when I was a younger unmarried single cute girl, I would have NEVER fallen for the line of: That shirt makes your boobies stick out. I think they are hot.

Oh....yeah... Makes me want to sprawl all out for THAT.

I counted NO LESS than 7 people text messaging others during the movie. I could see the damn backlights of their phones. The real question is: Were they all texting that girl to tell her that her boobies stick out? (Which - by the way - they DID, but not that I was trying to set something up with her...just sayin')

So anyway - next time, I'm just going to stick to the matinee shows. It's cheaper - and parents are in there watching the movies with their kids and they are too busy to text each other.

I hate getting old.
 
posted by Norman at 8:20 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, May 24, 2007
So how was your day?
I found out today that my heart is able to go from a perfectly normal heartbeat rate to GINORMOUSLY FAST in .2 seconds flat.

See, it's like this: I was sitting in my office working on my computer - when I heard a faint scratching noise. I've been stockpiling some boxes in my office to bring home for when we move. The noises seemed to be coming from the boxes.

I work in a metal building (kinda like some of the school gymnasiums you see), and we have fields surrounding us. It's not unusual for mice to make it inside a building. Actually - it's quite common. That doesn't mean I have to LIKE having mice in my office.

The noises were slight, and muffled. I could hear soft bumping sounds as the rodent made itself comfy in my pile of flattened boxes. I finally worked up the nerve to roust it.

Bravely - I climbed on top of my desk and poked at the boxes with a broom handle - pilfered from the janitor's closet. The noises ceased. Then the bumping sounds started back up at a more frantic pace. I guessed the mouse was trying to hide. Gathering a better toe-hold on the edge of my desk, I leaned forward and poked harder.

The SNAKE that shot out from under the boxes was making a beeline for my office door, but I beat it there because I had the advantage of launching myself off my desk, therefore avoiding the chair that the damn reptile had to slither around. I also managed to fly across the lobby area of our offices without touching the ground once.

The meeting going on in the adjacent conference room came to an abrupt halt as I wailed past. Three confused co-workers poked their heads out to watch. According to them, I was trying to climb the wall. I don't believe it.

And the snake? Slithered out. For parts unknown. I know not where it went. I only know it was greenish in color. Maybe it ate the mouse.
 
posted by Norman at 7:44 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Monday, May 21, 2007
WE DID IT!!!
YAY!!

WE DID IT!!

MY FRIEND DEONNA WON!!

YOU GUYS ROCK!

Actually - she tied....but the guy she tied with advertised himself on his "MySpace" page....kinda like I advertised her on here!! So they get to "share" the host spot.

But apparently - between the two of them...they had hundreds more votes than the other contestants!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

SMOOCHES TO YOU ALL!!
 
posted by Norman at 7:14 PM | Permalink | 1 comments
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Dialogue with a 2 year old
"Mommy!! Mommy come quick!!! Junior eww-y!!" Her panicked little face is pressed against the back door window in distress.

"What's the problem? What's wrong with Junior?" Junior is our boy beagle. I glance out into the backyard and see Junior hovering in the furthest corner of the yard. In retrospect...I realize he's picked the furthest point away from Avery. That should have been my first clue. Which I didn't get.

"Mommy! Junior ewwwwwie!!! Mommy Junior ear bad!"

"What's wrong with Junior's ear?" I stepped outside and called to Junior. He hesitantly approached me, keeping a wary eye on Avery. I grabbed a soft floppy ear and looked at it. His ear looked....like a doggy ear. Everything as it should be. I grabbed the other. It's slightly damp - but otherwise appears clean. Nothing LODGED in his ear or anything. Baffled, I reached for his other ear and re-inspected it. "Avery, what's wrong with Junior's ear?" I asked again while feeling for sores or ticks...anything that could have prompted the horror and urgency in her little voice.

"Mommy. Junior ear taste YUCKY!"


ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

"Avery! You are not supposed to eat your doggie!! NO NO NO NO NOOOO!!!!

"oh. ok mommy. Saawry Junior."

poor doggie.


**********************************
oh! And I found the "Fish Heads" video!! Enjoy!

 
posted by Norman at 6:36 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Saturday, May 19, 2007
shhhhhhh
My voice is gone.

i don't know where it is.

I can't talk.

This is torture for me.

My kids are taking unfair advantage of the "Mommy can't talk thingie". They are in so much trouble when I feel better...
 
posted by Norman at 8:01 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Friday, May 18, 2007
Well, I found out what was next....
Remember last post I lamented: "What's Next?!"

I found out. I'm sick.

I HATE being sick. Especially on a Friday. Especially when you only have one month left at your job. Because then everybody assumes that you're playing the "Burn the Sick Leave!" card and laughs when you mention that you want to go home.

Asses.

So anyway, my mother kept two of my children for me tonight since they are mostly healthy. Also - with Ethan still freshly recovered from his tonsillectomy, we don't want to chance getting him sick with this crud. He lost 3 pounds while he was recovering, and the kid didn't really have 3 pounds to lose. Now he looks like a stick figure.

Since Ashy is feeling sick as well, her & I just camped out and played on the computer together. Lately - her favorite thing to do is watch videos on MTV.com. When she does this, I stay in the room to make sure that she doesn't click on videos called: "Marilyn Manson's Fun House" or some nonsense like that.... 'cause she'll do it and that's one form of education I don't want her to receive.

So anyway, just fooling around, I started showing her videos from when I was a kid. Now let's see.... MTV started up in 1981....so that means ----- ah yes ! The Buggles!! "Video Killed the Radio Star"!!! I tried to explain to her that this song was the Very!First!Song! EvAR! played by MTV, when MTV played videos. She listened patiently for about ...10 seconds. "I don't like it. It's weird. Why did you like it?"

WHAT!!??? How can you not LIKE that song!!?? (I'm kinda bitchy when I'm sick...not as gracious, you know?)

So she thought it was weird. We argued back and forth about what was cool or not, and then I decided to show her something decidedly "Uncool"..... Devo.

She loved it. Thought they looked like fire hydrants.

Flopping back to the "Cool" videos, I pulled out some Duran Duran being Hungry like a Wolf. "Look Ashy!! That's Simon!! Isn't he a hottie?!"

"No. Why? Did you think he was cute? Ewwww!"

dammit

So then I wanted to show her more of the things I liked but sadly - I could NOT find the "Fish Heads" video (anybody out there?? anybody remember "Fish heads fish heads roly poly fish heads fish heads fish heads eat them up YUM!" )

However -- I was able to find:

The Michael Jackson "Thriller" video in its entirety.

At first, Ashton didn't believe that the man singing was Michael Jackson. She did not RECOGNIZE him. She told me that the guy singing looked "Normal"...as opposed to the freakazoid he is now (her word). So I finally convinced her, and she settled back to watch the video.

She loved it. Absolutely LOVED it!

So then I told her how it was a huge deal when it came out. It was a WORLD PREMIERE VIDEO and everybody stopped what they were doing when it first aired way back when. I told her that even her GRANDMOTHER was watching TV at 7:00pm with us when it came on. And the next day at school - everyone was singing "THRILLER!! THRILLER NIGHT!!!"

She thinks I'm such a geek.
 
posted by Norman at 8:37 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
What next?
Wait... don't answer that.

Sorry I haven't been around. It's pure craziness. Pure-dee cray-ZEE.

Crazy.

First - I'm heartbroken.

Bob Barker is retiring. I just watched the $1,000,000 Spectacular.

Guys - you just HAVE to know that it was one of my life-long dreams to be a participant on The Price is Right. And if I was a participant, I was gonna practically maul Bob Barker in my own enthusiastic form of fan-love. Oh yeah. I had it all planned out. And then 9 years ago - I actually had TICKETS to go to a taping of Price is Right. Of course, something silly called CHILDBIRTH fouled up my plans to be a contestant, and I never did make it to California for a show.

HEY! Did I tell you that Ashy turned NINE on Saturday!? We had a hellacious bowling party of 3rd graders woofing it up at the local alley. I've never had a kids bowling party before, and it was absolutely priceless. I've not laughed so hard in a long time!

But hey - let me tell you why the memory of laughter is so precious to me right now.

We had to drop the price of our house this weekend. We've not lived for a long time here, and so the price drop hurt us. We don't have a lot of equity built up, and the people that are looking are determined to nickel and dime us to death. It doesn't help matters much that my drug-dealing murdering neighbor's fence blew down about 4 months ago and he refuses to fix it. For FOUR MONTHS it's looked like a dad-gummed GHETTO over there. His fence just happened to blow down and reveal his window that's been busted out for 2 years. His sorry attempt at fixing the window involves duct tape, cardboard and Walmart bags. It's truly pathetic. So people come over to look at the house and see the slum that I live next too and decide right then and there that they don't want to live next to that. Quite frankly - I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to live next to him either. Oh wait.... I do. Shit.

Anyway, last weekend, after the party - we decided that we would fix HIS fence which blew down on HIS property. We blatantly trespassed and began digging post holes. Pretty soon he popped out of his house and meandered our way with a beerveza in his hand. He watched us for about 10 minutes...never said and word, then went back inside his house. Nice, eh? I wish I had the cajones to bill em, but the last guy who did that ended up murdered but I decided against it.

Now today, I got home and went to get my mail. I tried to open the mailbox and noticed that the door seemed to be sticking. Being as I was in a hurry, I wasn't my normal observant self. Until the fricking door fell to my feet. That's when I noticed that my entire mailbox housing seemed to be off-kilter.

We've got a brick enclosed mailbox. Meaning it's a normal metal mailbox that has a cute little brick house built around it. It's stupid - but everyone in the entire development HAS to have the brick mailbox (HOA rules), so I've got a mailbox built like a brick shithouse... (hahahahha) until today.

Apparently - someone RAN INTO MY MAILBOX WITH THEIR CAR. The whole damn thing is leaning like the frickin' leaning tower of Pisa and of COURSE there's no note on my door telling me that "Hey - I'm a dumbass and even though your house is in the middle of the block, I took a really really really really WIDE left turn and used your mailbox to stop my car". Nope - no note.

Now - normally I would be madder about this, but I started thinking: "HAHAHAHAHA!!!! You fucked the HELL out of your car and all I gotta do is rebrick my mailbox!!!" The amount of damage to mailbox tells me, (along with the broad stips of burgandy paint on my bricks), tells me that this person has about $2,000 worth of damage to their car.

I think justice has been done.
 
posted by Norman at 7:04 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
If you haven't seen this yet.... you should
First -- go vote. Voting is still up. I don't know how she's doing...but VOTE VOTE VOTE!

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR MY FRIEND!(**Deonna Spies!!**)

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!
No, she's not hard of hearing. She's just giving you a chance to recant the stupid thing that just came out of your mouth and to either escalate the conflict by saying it louder (remember, you'll lose) or to come up with a clever substitute that sounds pretty close to it (like instead of saying, "That's why I hate you," you would say, "That's why I dated you"). WARNING: If you try to use "Nothing" as a response, she won't accept it.

Just thought I'd add this as a little "PSA" to all the menfolk out there. Now go vote for Deonna!
 
posted by Norman at 7:21 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Friday, May 04, 2007
The circus is in town! And it's at my house!
First - if you haven't voted for Deonna today... GO DO IT!! (Remember, you can vote once a day!)

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR MY FRIEND!

Thanks for that! Now for today's post:

My mother called me completely in hysterics. I thought she was crying when I answered the phone, but Nah. She was laughing. It took awhile to get the entire story out of her, but once I did, I figured it was blog-worthy and decided to share with you.

Now - you guys know that I'm trying to sell my house. And what happens when you try to sell your house? You start noticing all the crappy little things that don't work the way they are supposed to so you have to go into frickin' DEBT in order to repair all the things that don't really matter but matter to the picky little prospective homebuyer. I'm done with my run on sentence now. Anyway - the fix of the day was the sprinkler system. The stupid system works, but there are some valves that need replacing, and damn!! That's EXPENSIVE to have the sprinkler system people come out and fix it. We decided to save $750 and do it ourselves. (meaning: My husband will fix it... not me. I'm not allowed to do anything that requires the use of hand tools or electric drills. Long story.)

So first thing in the morning, my husband went out and began to dig in the approximate location of the sprinkler system valves. He dug. And he dug. And then he dug somemore. He dug a hole 3 FEET DEEP before he found the stupid system. So then, exhausted from all the digging, he began to try to replace the valves. Now - this isn't something you (well, me...) really THINK about, but I guess it makes sense... Sprinkler systems have electrical wires. He was trying to determine which wires were live and was too tired to go get his live-wire-checker-thingamabob. He decided the best course of action would be to just quickly tap the wire to see if it was live. While sitting in a puddle of water.

Meanwhile - back at the house, my mother heard a strange sound. Kind of like the sound a chicken would make if you sat on it. Then she heard a sound that was like a chicken would make if it was attempting to get out from underneath whatever was sitting on top of it. While she was trying to figure that out - a lot of things happened simultaneously.

I'm not kidding.

First - Ethan was standing at the window looking out into the back yard at the chicken his father, and he began yelling. Avery. noticing that her brother was freaking out, decided to join in with a sympathy screech.

Then the doorbell rang. My mother switched course from the screaming kids to the front door, because she could see the kiddos were okay and figured they were just making noise. Standing at the door, was:

1. our Realtor with a family - all with a panicked look on their faces
2. the Orgrow man (that's the lawn guy that was here to fertilize)
3. My husband's grandmother
4. Our insurance company.

The hell?

The realtor told my mother that he didn't think anyone was home, and decided to show our house...unannounced. He showed up and they proceeded to check out the exterior of the house first. They rounded the corner and opened the gate to the backyard, where they were confronted with the sight of a mud-drenched madman yawping and dancing around the backyard. He said he thought we had chickens. They just wanted to make sure everything was okay before they called the police.

About this time - the Orgrow guy said that he was going to start fertilizing the backyard but became frightened at the sight of the weird guy sitting in the hole in the ground, crying.

My husband's grandmother pushed her way through the crowd at the door and ran to her grandson (my husband). Then she yelled at him for playing with electricity... and didn't he learn his lesson the first time??!! Apparently, the electric shock he received as a child was jolted from his brain at the time of infliction. I don't know...but I would THINK you would remember a lesson such as that....

The insurance people told us they were making an inspection call on our house because they received notification that our property value had jumped drastically and they wanted to make sure they weren't insuring the Taj Mahal with the way our taxes were figured. They offered to come back though. I think the chicken-squawking, mud-covered madman in the back yard unsettled them terribly.

And I missed all the fun 'cause I was at work.

But it made for a terrific story, no?!
 
posted by Norman at 6:27 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Call for help PLEASE!!
Ok guys - can you help? I mean - I know you CAN - but are you willing?

Here it is (very easy simple request!!)

A friend of mine is auditioning to be the on-air personality for a start up show here in Amarillo. She is so very excited!! I'm so very excited FOR her!

Will you vote for her? All you need to do is click this link:

http://www.newschannel10.com/Global/story.asp?S=6345607&pass=1#poll60769

and vote for "Deonna Spies"

Please!? And you can only vote once a day for it to count. And votes from all over the world count too... so get to clicking!! Could you would you help my friend?

PLEASE? I would consider it a personal favor. Besides... I wanna say I know someone famous!!

NORMAN!
 
posted by Norman at 7:50 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Good morning everyone!! I'm supposed to be getting ready for work right now, but I thought I'd check the weather, and while I was checking the weather, I thought I'd check my blog, and my stat counter and .... well - you know how it goes.

Anyway, I wanted to share a keyword search with you guys. Somebody searched this:

"What's the person's name who created static electricity"


Dear Person - let me help you with that:

GOD

OK!! Gotta go! Bye!
 
posted by Norman at 4:51 AM | Permalink | 1 comments
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