Monday, December 31, 2007
Ha-ha-HACHOO-py New Year Ya'll
Yup. Cedar Fever has us all over here. My husband sort of resembles Rudolph with his cherry red nose. I'm crabby because I can't partake of the alchoholic beverages, and all the kids have sniffly noses.

It's called Cedar Fever and it appears as if every single one of us in this house has severe allergies to this particular spore.

What a way to ring in the new year. Wait. Scratch that. Ashton seems fine. In fact, she has her heart on staying up to watch the ball drop, and all I want to do is climb in to bed. I need my rest to gear up for Wednesday when all the formerly drunk people call in to file insurance claims on the cars they wrecked. Yay.

Obviously, I'm a grump. And having to deal with a sick husband who's crabby than I am is making this day funner. And yes funner is a word so leave me alone.

At this point, I'd usually post some pictures but he refuses to download the pictures from the camera, so I can't share.

But you know what? As grumpy as I am, I wish every stinkin' one of you a Happy New Year, and may your New Year find you healthier, wealthier and HAPPY.

Lurve, Norman
posted by Norman at 6:46 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Cuz yer a "Dolo"....that's why.
Have your kids ever made up words before? Mine LOVE to. It's their own personal little language.

Take "Dolo" for instance. No clue what it means, but it's pronounced "dough-low". I've been hearing the kids throwing this word around for weeks, followed by spates of laughter.

The other day, they were sitting at the dinner table, misbehaving as usual. Ethan wasn't eating, and in frustration, I told him "!" Complete and utter silence decended upon us after the children all let out a simultaneous gasp. Apparently - I had stumbled upon one of their made up cuss words. Oops.

Another good one is frag-ee. I don't think I'll use that one anytime soon. I have the feeling it is the children's equivalent of the f-bomb.

And Avery?? Well, according to my children, she cheepows in her underwear. I think I have that one figured out, and her daddy cheepows in his too.

So I'm gonna skippoo for now. Don't be a dolo, I'll be back frag-ees, so go cheepow in your panties.
posted by Norman at 3:35 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Seeing as how I'm a grinch and forgot to wish you all a Merry Christmas, I'm doing the next best thing and wishing you all a Happy Boxing Day.

Nevermind that I haven't the foggiest what Boxing Day is.

I just know that some people are receiving extra presents today.

Right now, I'm mopping my floor, and blogging at the same time. "Norman!" you ask, "How can you be doing these things at the same time!?

Ah now, my little cat, it is because I'm now the owner of a wondrous little machine called a "Scooba" and it is mopping my floors for me. I lurve my new Scooba ever so much. I can sit on my ass and clean my house at the same time. It is truly the lazy woman's toy.

My husband has mentioned now, that if he finds one more automated thing along the lines of the Scooba, he will no longer have a use for me. YAY!! Luckily, our 10 year anniversary is tomorrow, so I shall be buying him a blow-up doll to see if he holds true to his promise.

Unfortunately, I have to keep the man around for silly little bothersome downloading pictures off the camera. So maybe I won't buy him that doll after all.

Just a snippet, here's something that freaks the everloving snot out of Norman:

Pulling out of my driveway in the morning and seeing a pack of wild coyotes running down my street.

'K!!! I'm going to follow my Scooba around now and watch it clean the floor!
posted by Norman at 8:19 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Monday, December 17, 2007
Didn't mean to worry you good people. But all's fine over here. Really. Just needed to deal with some real life blips that required undivided attention.

But things are okay. In fact, they're so okay that I actually have something to post about tonight!!

I leave work later in the day. I only work 3 days during the week, but it's not as cool as it sounds. The three days I'm working? I'm basically at work from 8am until 7:30 at night. I generally get home just in time to see my kids off to bed. But tonight - Ashton had a Christmas program that began at 7:00pm. I really REALLY wanted to be there for it, but it's something akin to jamming bamboo splinters under my nails to get some time off at work. I managed to get 30 minutes leave time, and ran out of the office at 7:00pm, jumped into my car and zoomed off across the city of San Antonio on my way to see my daughter sing.

I drove on the highway. I drove on busy city streets, I drove down populated neighborhoods filled with cars traveling merrily thru the city. All without my lights on. And not one single frickin' person flashed their headlights at me to let me know that my lights were not on.

I know it's because they think I was a gang member searching for my initiation passage by waiting for a good samaritan to flash their headlights at me so I could blast them with my highly illegal automatic weapon.

Which I don't have. Or so you think.

But one told me my lights weren't on. It wasn't until I pulled up into the schoolyard where there weren't so many lights that a group of parents hollered out: "Turn on your lights!!" (and when I turned to look at them in the rear view mirror, I saw them doing commando rolls into the bushes nearby pulling their kids with them). Not really. But they WERE ducking for cover.

I did make it to the school just in time to see my daughter's class file up to the stage to sing, and she saw me make it in. The relief on her face was evident, and even though I was there on time, it did make me feel bad that she was worried like that.

After the program, I made sure to tell her that I lead a secret double life as a gang member inductee, and I was merely searching for people to blink their headlights at me so I could mess them up.

She now thinks I'm the coolest mom ever.
posted by Norman at 7:18 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Thursday, December 06, 2007
PSA from Norman
Time for a little PSA....that's Public Service Announcement for you guys like me that don't like to talk in text.

Let's play a game of "Let's Pretend".

Let's Pretend you are driving down the road, and there happens to be a WHEELBARROW in the road. You can see it, faaaaaaaaaar away in the distance, and as you get closer and closer, you start to think that maybe...just MAYBE, you can straddle it.

Well --- you can't.

So when you call your insurance company, here's the secret. Always always always tell that insurance person on the road that the wheelbarrow was in motion. NEVER tell them that it was just laying there. Just say that it BOUNCED out of a truck. Hell - tell them there was a laborer attached to the wheelbarrow, I don't know...just make sure that you tell them the damn thing was moving when you hit it.

Cause the difference is this. Do you want it to be a chargeable accident or not?

So remember. If you hit road debris of any kind....whatever it is....just make sure that you tell your insurance company the road debris was flung onto your car from another car hitting it and YOU COULDN'T AVOID IT.

Got it? Now, let's review this call I had yesterday. Some man called me and told me he had just run over something in the road, and now the underside of his car was completely torn out because the object flipped up and caused damage. Poor guy. He's facing getting his vehicle totaled because undercarriages are expensive to replace. So I quizzed him. I tried and tried to tell him the object was probably in motion, without telling him the object was in motion. He just didn't get it. He kept telling me that he came over the top of the hill, it was dark and he couldn't avoid hitting it.

I said: "Let me get this straight. You came over the top of a hill and this item rolled under your car and you now have pieces of your car's underside strewn across the interstate." "No ma'am," he replied "it was jest a'layin' there in the road. I jest couldn't go around it."

"Really sir? Are you SURE the item wasn't flung under your car by the vehicle in front of you as you came over the top of the hill?"

"Lady - I'm TELLIN' yew, it was laying in the road, and I couldn't avoid it!!!! Did yew git that?"


"Yes sir, this is an accident that will be covered by your collision coverage which carries a $500 deductible. Additionally - I'm obligated to tell you that this will be considered an at-fault accident that may cause your rates to rise at renewal time."

silence. now wait a second...waait a second.. here it goes:


my reply:

"I'm so sorry sir. If the object was in motion, then it could have been considered under your comprehensive coverage which carries a $100 deductible. Additionally, comprehensive claims are not as likely to cause rate increases at renewal time."

"Well ma'am.. I think I was mistaken. I do believe that item was in motion when I ran over it. In fact --- I know it was in motion. Put that in your notes lady."


"Really!? Did you call the police?"

"Well....hell no. I didn't think about it"

"Oh. Ok sir, I'll make a note of that when I send this claim to the fraud department."


"Yes sir. I'm pretty sure you're lying to me to get this accident considered differently. "


I do not think I'm going to last at this job too long. I keep pissing people off.
posted by Norman at 6:59 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Hi. I'm Avery, and I'm jacking my mommy's blog. I'm almost three, and pretty smart. Like now for instance. My parents think I'm asleep. But I'm really not. I'm down here typing on this blog.

I got a little somethin somethin to say, and since my mommy uses this blog to talk about things that she notices and her thoughts on them, I just thought I'd do it as well.

See, I'm gonna be three in just a couple days. Turning three seems to be a pretty big deal to grown-ups, but to me? Well, it just means I'm gonna get presents. And lots of them. But hey - as long as it's Dora stuff, I'll go along with the big tada about the birthday thing. But for the record, here's some stuff that's been annoying the doo-doo out of me for awhile.

1. Telling me what a BIG GIRL I am.

I know I'm a big girl. You can stop. It's really tiring to hear you grownups walk in and tell me all the time.

2. Stop pushing on my nose.

Why you gotta beep my nose all the time? I mean really. You just told me what a big girl I am. You think I really believe that my nose goes "beep-beep"? I saw your mouth moving for jeebus sakes. I know it was you that said "beep-beep". sheesh

3. I just don't wanna.

So stop asking me if I want to poo-poo in the potty. Isn't it enough that I go there for pee-pee? It's too much effort for me. Besides, my mommy will eventually have to buy me new panties for all the ones I've ruined. But that's okay because I'm thinking there's some sparkly Dora ones in one of those wrapped birthday gifts I'll be getting. And don't go thinking I'll ruin those too. I can always sneak into my room for to put on a pull-up like I did earlier today. Man, I'll tell you! That was a plan and a half! Pee in the potty, then realize when you gotta "do the doo", just run up to your room, slap on some pull ups and have at it!! I was smart though, and hid the pull up in my closet so they never knew I actually took a poop today. Well, wait a minute. I do have to give my moms partial credit for brains. She actually thought one of my kitties pooped in my closet because she kept walking around sniffing and saying it smelt like poopy upstairs. I told her George must've done it when she found the pull up. Next time, I'll hide the pull up near their cat box to prove it.

4. Fake Santas

That fat guy in the red suit at the mall? N-O-T S-A-N-T-A. I know he wasn't. Stop trying to tell me he was. Santa doesn't smell like onions & cigarettes. That's why I wouldn't sit on his lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas. I want Dora stuff for Christmas. And lot's of it. I can put it on here and Santa will read it. Santa likes blogs. He'll know.

5. Apple Juice

I wish my mom would quit watering down my apple juice. I hate watered down apple juice. But she keeps doing it. I dunno why...something about squirts and me wearing real underwear now.

Okay. That's it for now. What? You guys wanted more? What the hell? I'm three! I just don't have that much to bitch about now, except for early bed time.... but hey - I'm down here sneaking around on the internet, and there's a hot poker game I have to sit in on now, so TOODLES!
posted by Norman at 8:00 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
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