Thursday, June 29, 2006
Blogger Block
The past couple of days I've been blaming the lack of original posts on the pain in my ear. So now my ear doesn't hurt anymore, and I guess I have to admit that I have the dreaded Blogger's Block. I know I'm not the only one. I've seen lots of you guys talk about being in a funk and not knowing what to post. I myself, have nothing to post, but I don't want to just not type something. I have to say SOMETHING. I need to be heard! I just don't know what I have to say that's worth hearing... but dammit - I'll spout something out. This one post may very well be the "Seinfeld" post. You know - the post about Nothing. Cause that's what I have ... Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I mean... I could post pictures of me as a little kid - but then I would be subjecting you to views like this:

Ack. Check. out. that. dress. This was Christmas when I was four. I actually ASKED for that dress, because I wanted to be just like Laura Ingalls Wilder. Never mind that I have NO HAIR. This is a natural occurrence after your 6 year old sister convinces you to play "Beauty Shop" with real scissors. And the rug?? Did you notice the Austin Powers orange shag rug that is clashing ever so violently with my aqua Not-Very-Little-House-On-the-Prairie looking dress? Yep. That's the 70's for you. High fashion sense abounded then... let me tell you.

But yeah... I have nothing to post. So I'll leave you with yet ANOTHER joke received in my e-mail...

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, andHolding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down."Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut."Now. Tell him you have a headache."

**Quick Edit**

Yeah, I know I just posted about not having anything to say and then I hop back on here to say yet more nothing... but I have a question, Why is it that sometimes when you light a cigarette it smells like weed? I swear, I just lit one, and I thought I was gonna have to turn on Reggae music and wear a Jamaican hat. I'm just sayin'.

posted by Norman at 8:15 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Glad I'm not a snail
Well - my ear still hurts. So I don't feel very creative. Pain does that to me ya know.

I want to post SOMETHING though, so I'll put up an e-mail that I got that had some interesting facts that I never knew. I feel smarter now ...

Facts You Probably Never Knew:

Barney Fife's middle name was Oliver

A one-day old antelope can run 23 mph

A hippo's stomach is 10ft long and can hold 400 lbs of food.

A hippo can also run faster than a human

A human kidney weighs about 5oz, and processes about 425 gallons of blood a day.

Did you know that your tendons have half the tensile strength of steel?

A survey once reflected that children in the US, ages 8-12 could name more brands of beer than presidents.

Mozart wrote "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" when he was 5 years old

In some states, it is illegal to dance to "The Star Spangled Banner"

Male monkeys go bald just like men

Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name was "Moon"

60% of Athiests and Agnostics say they own at least one Bible

When astronauts returned from the moon, they had to go through customs

Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue

A giraffe can clean its ears with it's tongue

Did you know it's impossible to lick your elbow? (Unless you're Gene Simmons, that is)

Lemon Pledge has more lemons in it than Country Time Lemonade

It can take up to 12 hours for snails to mate, but they will only mate ONCE in their lives.

****EDIT ALERT!***

Do you guys have any oddball facts you'd like to share?? Post them in comments! I'd love to learn new stuff. Here! I have one more for you from my PERSONAL OBSERVATION OF LIFE:

Did you know, that typically your forearm is the length of your foot? Measure from the inside of your elbow to your wrist..
posted by Norman at 7:36 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Monday, June 26, 2006
I got home today, and the minute I opened the door, I was treated to the sight of 25 lbs of cuteness running towards me. I swooped down to pick up Avery, and cuddled her close, all the while keeping up a patter of mommy-talk ... It went something like this:

"Oh!! You're so sweet and cute!! Momma just wants to squeeze you sooooo much!! I missed you today. Mommy just loves you so mu... MOTHEROFGOD OWWWWWW!!! LET GO PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE...HUNNYYYYYYYYYYYY HELP!!! SHE'S GOT MY OW OW OW OW OW HELLLLLP!! SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN HELLLLLP!!!
"Mommy!" she chirped, oblivious to my screams for help. "Nice Mommy!" yank. OWWWW
"wassup?" asked my hubby, strolling casually into the room. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET.HER.HANDS!!! SHE'S TRYING TO PULL MY EAR OFF MY HEAD!" "No she's not. She's just got your earring." "YEAH I KNOW SHE'S GOT MY EARRING NUMBNUTS!! HELP!!"

So now I got a band-aid on my ear. She didn't rip my ear, but it's not the same anymore....
posted by Norman at 8:13 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Piano Lessons

Well, seeing as I posted something that showed boobs earlier... I thought I would include one for the ladies. What say ya? Anybody up for private piano lessons?
posted by Norman at 12:24 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Thursday, June 22, 2006
What a freak
Sometimes, at my work, we get loonies calling. And when I mean loonies, I mean people that you sit there and wonder what the hell kind of drugs they did in their life to make them so FREAKY. I was sitting at my desk today, when I got a phone call. It went something like this:

ME: Hello, this is Norman...
LOON: I have a problem that I'm hoping you can help me with.
ME: Yes??? (see... I'm a helpful kind of person)
LOON: I've been having some *issues* lately, and I believe they are originating from your workplace.
ME: Well, are you sure you've called the right person? Maybe I should transfer you to human resources....
LOON: Oh no. I've called the right place. I called the main desk and explained what's wrong and they told me to call you. Immediately.
ME: Oh. Well - I guess they would know. So what's the problem?
LOON: I've been receiving messages from the mothership and they want me call you and tell you to cease and desist.
ME: Really? Cool. I'm not interested in stopping anything right now.
LOON: (sounding desperate) But you HAVE to. If you don't, they said they would come down and bring the Rahzzh Force Delinium with them.
ME: Well, bring it on! I've been kind of bored lately.
LOON: Oh, you really don't want that. They have BOMBS.
ME: Well, dude - so do I.
LOON: You need to help me. I have no one else to call. Your main desk said that YOU could help me.
ME: (jotting down a quick "note to self" to call the main desk.) Well. Here. How's this: Call the mothership up and tell them that I stopped.
LOON: So you're going to stop?
ME: NO. We're just going to make them THINK that I stopped. Then, when they kind of chill out a little, thinking that we've stopped, we'll send out an anti-Delinium Falinga Blast that'll knock them out of orbit. But I really need you to work with me on this. This is the only way that this will happen... with your cooperation. Just think, you'll be responsible for saving the world....
LOON: me??????
ME: Yeah. Do you think you're up to it?
LOON: You really think this will work?
ME: Oh sure it'll work!! We did this once before. I'm actually surprised that they came back. The last time we did this, their ship fell out of the sky and crashed out at Roswell.... but then - you already knew that. I mean... everybody knows about that one. I'm just saying - that our technique has improved considerably since then, and now they only visit every so often. I'm just sorry that they decided to hassle you this time. So - you up to it?
LOON: I think I am.
ME: Good. Now, give me your name and address so that I can forward this on to the President. Last time, he actually went and visited the person who helped out. Took a nice picture with them and everything.
LOON: Wow!
ME: Yeah!! (busily taking down contact info to turn over to the men in white coats). Thanks! I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate people like you...
LOON: OK. I'm on it! I'll call you later and let you know how it went...


And then I picked up the phone and dialed the main desk. "WTF??????!!!!!!" I screeched (quietly.. because I was at work). They were laughing. They figured I needed some entertainment and it actually did provide me with a nice little break....

For your info... I did turn his name in to the men in the little white coats and I'm seriously SERIOUSLY hoping that they paid him a visit!

posted by Norman at 7:28 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Just for the record....this is NOT me!
posted by Norman at 8:47 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Am I the only one that sees this?
You've seen those Caveman Geico commercials, haven't you? I swear... everytime I see it I think of:

Val Kilmer. I think he's one of the cavemen. Really! Look:

Kinda small... But there's the caveman... and here's Val Kilmer:

Don't see it? Try this picture:

I think it's him. My husband tells me I'm full of shit, but then he tells me that all the time anyway.

Next time ya'll see that commercial - check him out. It's Val Kilmer, isn't it?

Ask & ye shall receive:

As promised, I will now answer the questions you guys asked. Thanks for not making me look pitiful!

Sandra wanted to know:
OK, so what happened with your job. Your boss was going to stick up for you when you went on vacation?

Nothing that we know of. I went on vacation first, then when I got back from vacay - SHE went on a week long cruise. She just got back today, so this is the first I've seen of her in two weeks. I asked if the troublemaker caused any crap while I was gone, but all he's done is a couple pitiful cheap shots at me, that we all saw through. She understands that he's an ass, and doesn't believe anything he says. I'm so thankful for that!! Thanks for asking!!

Spicy Cracker wanted to know:
Did you believe in ghosts before you moved into your current house? Had you ever experienced anything of the sort before hand?

This is an interesting question. I did to an extent. I didn't believe all those people that you'd see on TV with three teeth going "It tried ta kill me... Swear!". Even though there were all those strange things going on at my work... well - gee. The more I type, the more I believe I have to answer YES to both of your questions, because I've had strange things that occurred from the time I was about 10 that I can now say... "I'll bet that was a ghost!"

pack of 2 wanted to know:
Okay....we can ask anything....right? I'm gonna ask the same thing we asked napqueen then.Have you ever had any kind of sexual experience with another woman? Any almosts? :)

LOL!!! Um... NO. But then, my friend did lay a big ol' MacDaddy kiss on me one time, because we were trying to convince a couple of ugly guys that we were actually lesbians (we were trying to make them stop hitting on us.) Sadly, all this did was encourage them to stick around for more chick-doing-chick activities. Apparently, guys have some sort of FANTASY about watching women with women... Now Stewie would have you believe that Freak Magnet and I had some action going on when we met up, but that's not true.... (mostly) we WERE groping each other!! LOL

HotDudi wanted to know:
Am I only allowed to ask one question!?! How do you maintain a happy home life with your hubby? How did/do you feel about the legalisation of drugs?

Eh... you can ask more than one question! I think my hubs & I maintain a happy home life because we don't see each other that much!! Actually, we've been married 9 years now, so I think we've fallen into that "This is our life" category. It's just something that seems to have always been... I don't know what I think about the legalization of drugs. I guess I'm against it, but my husband would loooooooove to fire up teh weed!! He's all for it.

Tammy is getting a payback on me:
Please share your most embarrassing moment with us.

She's asking this because I asked HER her most embarrassing high school moment. Well - my most embarrassing moment was this:

A long time ago, I worked at Aetna Insurance. It was just like being in high school. Some people were telling me that "Tom" in customer service liked me. I thought he was pretty cute, but I decided to play it all cool-like, so I never gave him the encouraging flirtatious smiles or anything thing gunky like that.... Anyway. I think my goal was to make myself look aloof and untouchable. It's all part of the game - ya know? So I happened to be walking down the hallway, and he was coming towards me. He looked like he wanted to say something to me, but again - I was playing all cool and unapproachable, and kept walking, intending to breeze on by him. But he called out: "Hey Norman.. Uh - I think you dropped something..." and he was beet-red and turned into the men's room pretty fast. When I turned around and looked - my slip was on the floor. It had fallen off and I never even noticed I'd stepped out of it. Thank God I didn't work there much longer. (and obviously - he never asked me out) So much for cool & aloof - huh?

or it could be the time my sister locked me out of the house naked and I had to go to the next door neighbor's house because it was like 30 degrees outside and I was cold. Their waaaaay cute son was home (I was 12) from college and he laughed at me....

Take your pick!!

Michael is attempting to gather future information:
I probably should know this but...In your job do you carry a gun and have you ever had to shoot a stalker with it?

No! I don't carry and gun and I haven't had to shoot a stalker.... yet. (heheheheee)

Wide Lawns Subservient Worker wanted to know:
What was the worst trouble you ever got into as a kid, and then what was the worst trouble you should have gotten into if you had been caught?Also, what is your favorite dessert in the whole world?

Wow! A three parter. Well - the worst trouble I ever got into was when we were 14 years old, my friend & I snuck her dad's 280ZX out of the house and we went cruising the streets of San Antonio at about 2am in the morning. We got busted because her older brother ratted us out, since HE wanted to sneak the car out. I was grounded for like - a year. The worst trouble i SHOULD have gotten into, if I had been caught, was the time I stole my sister's birth certificate, and took it to the Department of Motor Vehicles, and got a fake ID made with HER info and MY picture. So it was actually a genuine fake ID. I got carded all the time with it, by real cops, and never got caught. But that's actually a FEDERAL offense... aka IDENTITY THEFT - not to mention my sister would have killed me dead if she ever knew I did that... so shhhhhhh. And my favorite dessert in the wholewideworld? It's gotta be cheesecake.

Dari had this to ask:
Had you been to Afghanseitan, I mean Afghansein, I mean Afghanstan. OK...OK Iraq?Had you been in a threesome.Had you been to the desert with no cloths and no beer..I have a million question

No!! I'm too afraid of being beheaded... thankyouverymuch! I've never been in a threesome, and I don't intend to be. (I actually don't like sex) but you didn't ask THAT did you!! LOL And being in the desert with no clothes and no beer? Sorry!! But have YOU?!!

Greg the Surly had this to say:
Can I have a Pony?

Sure! But I don't have one to give you!!

Rants from a Bee had this to say:
hmmm....if you could say something to your ghost, what would you say?If you could do something to your ghost what would you do? You know, besides set it free or whatever.

OOO!! Good question!! I would tell it to back off!! I would also find out who they were, and what they wanted with me. If I could do something to it? I would try to scare the ghostly shit out of it... show it what it feels like!!


I just absolutely HAD to share that someone in Australia searched for this today:

food poisoning blog vomit or toilet or explosion or diarrhea or puke or barf

and ran across my blog. I'm so excited

posted by Norman at 8:23 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Because all the cool kids are doing it
I'm in a funk. I have nothing to post about. My kiddos are behaving, and haven't done anything astronomically funny in the past week or so. The only new thing I have to report is that "Trixie", our girl beagle dog has finally gone into heat. Now if we can just keep Junior off of her.... we need her to get through this first heat without getting knocked up.

So I've decided to steal a game from Tammy, who stole it from Southern Fried Girl. The deal is this, in the comments, leave a question. Anything you want to know about me. I'll answer in my next post.

Now don't make me look pitiful by not leaving a question. (That last sentence should be known as a shameless plug for comments) I wanna be one of the cool kids too.... so ask away!!!
posted by Norman at 11:11 AM | Permalink | 11 comments
Friday, June 16, 2006
What flavor would you like?
I was in the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant the other day, starting to get mildly irritated at the little chicky that was taking my order. Oh sure - she was perky enough, but she was rushing me. And it's not like I was taking my own sweet time even. She was just obviously rushing everyone trying to get to the end of her shift. Wait, here's an excerpt of my order:

Me: Hey. I need two children's meals, with diet coke and....
Her: Okay. I got two kid's meals. Would you like anything else?
Me: Yes. I need one Combo #3 with Dr. Pepper and could you....
Her: That's two kid's meals and one Combo #3 with Dr. Pepper. Would you like anything else?
Me: I also need a pint of red beans and rice.
Her: What drinks did you want with the kids meals?
Me: diet coke. I already said that.
Her: That'll be $16.78. Please drive through ...

Bitch. I hate it when people cut me off when I'm speaking. And I was CLEARLY continuing on with the order signified by the "AND" after my first sentence. But oh well. I started thinking back to my first job which was in the food business. Baskin Robbins. I actually worked there for 3 years. That's a long-ass time to be scooping ice cream. (Daquiri Ice was the worst ice cream to scoop...) But it gave me spending money thru high-school.

I also remembered how irritating people could be, and how sometimes I would let one single instance of discord ruin my whole work shift.

We used to become astronomically busy in the summer. I lived in San Antonio, TX and it got HOT down there. We would sometimes have a line out the door of people waiting to order one of the 31-derful flavors that Baskin Robbins dished out. One thing that would always chap my ass was when I would ask the person next in line what flavor of ice cream they would want. They would stop whatever they were doing, and start perusing the cases of flavors. You gotta understand that they've been lined up next to these very same cases for the last 5 minutes while we helped the person in front of them. It was like a surprise to them that they actually had to choose the flavor that they wanted. Meanwhile, there's a line out the door in 110 degree heat of people grumpily waiting to be served. Of course, they would be oblivious of the line as they wandered back and forth, occasionally asking for a little pink spoon sample of the Butter Pecan or Almond Amaretto. Then finally, they would make their choice: "I'll have a scoop of french vanilla. "

fffffuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccckk... "Would you like that in a cup or a cone?" I would ask, while gleefully entertaining thoughts of shoving a sugar cone up their ass. Of course, this would prompt another deep and thoughtful pause as they contemplated their choice... "What kind of cone?" oh for the love of.... "We've got cake cones, sugar cones, and waffle cones..." I would explain, while eyeballing the grumbling, shifting line... "I think.... sugar" "THANKSTHAT'LLBE$1.80HERE'SYOURCHANGE!"

Finally!! Onto the next customer.. "May I help you?"... "hmmm... let's see.. what do I want...?" ARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eventually, the line would go away, but not before I was pissed off and annoyed by everyone. Even though my shift was only 4 hours long, I would be ready to go home after 2 hours. Those last 2 hours were endless.

So I got to thinking...maybe the little chica that was rushing me at the drive-thru...maybe she was just ready to go home after having annoying customers. Or maybe she was just a bitch...
posted by Norman at 8:16 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, June 15, 2006
...and you thought I'd forgotten...
Well, maybe you thought the GHOST had forgotten me. Not. No such luck. It's still here. Just being a little quiet lately.

Now, my mother-in-law was at my house earlier, getting instructions on how to care for my kids for me since my parents are out-of-town. I generally avoid the woman all I can, but sometimes I'm forced to visit with her. Anyway, I was showing her the medicines that Ashy is having to take (she's got a horrid cough and something called "Fifth Disease"). I pulled a couple of syringes out of the medicine box and rinsed them out as I was explaining the dosing to her. I dried the syringes, and put them on the counter, and turned around to face my MIL since she was asking me a question. I reached back around to grab the syringes, and they were gone. I said - "Well, that's weird... I just put them down!" My MIL was looking for them too, and couldn't figure out where they had gone. I mean - I had just turned for about 10 seconds, and POOF! They vanished.

So then I found myself telling her about the Coffee incident. She was giving me her look of "Oh Sure yeah", but damn!! Didn't she just see those damn things disappear?

But they've not showed up since, and we can't figure out just where they would've gone. They're probably floating around in some ghostly holding area, just waiting for the perfect time to show back up. I'm thinking I'll wake up some night and find them jammed up my nostrils. Better yet if they were jammed up my MILs nostrils.

THAT'LL teach her to not believe me about my ghost!

**any new people not familiar with my ghost can click on my purple blinkie ghost post box over in the side bar... it's all explained!
posted by Norman at 3:48 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Mysteries of the 18 month old's diet
Anyone ever figured this out yet? How can a small child survive on 4 peas for 3 days? And chicken nuggets. If she eats one more chicken nugget, I swear the child will sprout feathers. I'm on a mission to get her to start eating the foods we eat. Right now, she typically eats anything that's on the rug. Like carpet fuzz, leaves, small stones - all things that get tracked in from outside. And if we let her outside, she eats grass, twigs, bugs. She also loves to eat small little trinkets from Ashton's room. I caught her with some square letter beads in her mouth the other day, I know she ate some of them because she pooped the alphabet yesterday.

She's a small little Hoover on two legs, but if I plop her into her high chair, she clamps her mouth shut. And if it's not peas or chicken nuggets on her tray.... forget it. She's not eating. Ethan asked if he could go get her some leaves from outside, because she wasn't eating. I was almost tempted.

Why do little ones eat everything BUT their dinner? She'll eat petrified dog poop, and cry when we take it from her. I've tried giving her hot dogs... she just picks them up and squishes them in her fingers. We gave her some hamburger meat, and she chewed it up and blew it all over the kitchen. Ham cubes? She tucks them under her bottom and pretends she's eaten her dinner. Fish sticks? She throws them on the floor.

Neither of my other kids were picky about their eating... how do I feed this child without doing the chicken nugget and pea thing?
posted by Norman at 6:35 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
last one for reals
okay. Just to give you an idea of how very packed it was:

Now please note that i have no idea what the phallic images are in the foreground. I do know that they are part of a parade, and that's what the people in the front of the picture are looking at. But look at all the people in the background. That's a shitload of people! And I battled my way thru each and every one of them!

'kay. I'll stop now. I just ran across that photo and had to share

posted by Norman at 8:58 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
One last picture (for now)
Avery was sooooo not digging the characters. Doesn't she look happy?

posted by Norman at 10:45 AM | Permalink | 6 comments
More stuff

Obviously, I'm on a roll.... two posts in one day! I also posted late last night, so technically it's three posts.

I forgot to post about how proud I am of my Ashton. She is my bona fide little thrill seeker. The child is barely 48 inches tall, which luckily, was the minimum height requirement for the scary rides. She went on every single ride she could. Including: Space Mountain, Mt. Everest, and the Aerosmith Rockin' Roller Coaster. That last one almost made ME cry. That frickin' ride shoots you out from 0 to 60 mph in 2 seconds. No lie. The G-forces alone sucked my cheeks back into my ears. Add onto that we were sitting in the very last car. It also spins you through numerous loops and spirals. She was disappointed when the ride was over. The line was 2 hours long, so we couldn't just hop back on. The only ride I wouldn't let her do was Tower of Terror. She was mighty pissed about that. So now she tells me that we'll have to go back SOON, so she can ride it. She's 8 years old. At 8 years old, I wouldn't set foot on the BABY coasters. That's how much of a chicken I am.

Ethan is much more like I was at his age. He's not the bravest child. I did trick him into going on "Soarin'", which is a hang gliding simulator. It was really a great ride, although he was kinda angry at me for making him go on it. But I told him he should just close his eyes and he wouldn't be scared. He went along with it, he didn't cry, but he did tell me that the ride was too scary for him. Again, Ashton was totally pumped about the rides, and again, the line was at least 5 miles long, so we couldn't re-ride it. She really wanted to though.

Next time we go to Disney, I think we'll go during the school year, and I'll just take them out of classes for a week. That way - we'll be able to avoid long lines, and they'll be able to ride all the rides they want, even doing re-rides.

***For some crappy reason, blogger is only letting me do a couple pics at a time.
posted by Norman at 10:24 AM | Permalink | 2 comments
Cool! I got the pictures to work. All I had to do was delete my internet cookies (crap). Anyhooooo. Here are the kiddos and me trying on silly hats at Magic Kingdom.

My dad took this picture of us... Avery was back at the hotel with my mother, because it was too hot for her out there. This is like, one of the few pictures we have of my husband, since he was taking all the photos...

This is Princess Ashton. I took her to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, and they did her hair and makeup over there. My daughter is convinced that blonde hair is much prettier than her own auburn hair, so she chose blonde extensions. They also gave her a sash, and all day long, anytime she ran into a park employee, they would call her Princess and give her special treatment. It was the cutest thing. I recommend taking your little princess there and letting her get all dolled up. It was the cutest thing ever....

Does this picture look slightly sinister to you? It does to me! This is the dreaded BierGarten, where we got our food poisoning. I'm posting this as a visiual reminder to all to NEVER VISIT THIS PLACE !!!!

The kids are standing in front of some of gnomes. These little bushes are all over the place over there! These happened to be in front of the Bier Garten, and judging from the looks on the gnome's faces, I'm guessing they drank the beer at the Bier Garten...

Well crap. I have three more photos to upload, and Blogger's pulling it's crap again. I'll be back!

posted by Norman at 8:56 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Monday, June 12, 2006

We got the pictures networked! I counted... we have 987. That's a lot of pictures. But STUPID BLOGGER WON'T LET ME PUT THEM INTO THIS POST!

All in all, we had a good time. Not a GREAT time, but a good time. The downers were:

My kids were grumping out, and sniping at each other
It was waaaaaaaaaay crowded (never ever EVER go in the summer... go in the fall - during school hours)
It was hot (we actually tolerated it a lot better than folks from up north)
We got food poisoning

But we still had a good time. First, we got there on Monday and checked into our room. Those rooms were TINY. Luckily - my parents went along with us, and so we got adjoining rooms. Thank God for that, since there was no way the kids would have been able to be in that one dinky little room that we got for all five of us. We just propped open the door between the rooms and decided that no one would have any privacy. We went straight to the Magic Kingdom, and got our first taste of the crowds out there. Wow. Big big crowds. It was terrible. The lines for all the rides had a wait of at least 70 minutes. So we only got to do about 3 rides that evening. But that's okay because they have lots of scenic stuff that the kids can climb on and play with.

Tuesday, we spent the whole day out at the Magic Kingdom. More crap with the crowds, but then the kids started in on each other, and basically being (dare I say it??) snotty brats. There was this really cool thing there. All the kids were playing with a trash can. I couldn't figure it out. What's so cool about a trash can? So I pushed the kids closer so I could get a look at what the big deal was, and then I noticed that it was talking! So I said "Ethan!! Look at that trashcan, it's talking and.... MOVING!" Yep. The minute I said that, the damn thing came rolling over and said "Ethan!! It's Ethan!" Then it headed over towards our group and said "Look! Look! It's Ashton & Ethan!" I was pretty amazed, since the only name I'd mentioned was Ethan's. How the hell it knew both of their names was beyond me. We thought it was pretty cool, until Ashton ran up and kicked the snot out of it. It said "It's getting rough over here, I'm leaving" and it left. So we never got a chance to figure out the trick to the whole thing. I did drag both of the kids off and gave them both a lecture about not kicking the exhibits at the park, and how they both better straighten up. So I'm sure it sucked to be them since I was so upset with their behavior.

But they're good kids, and they behaved after that. Must've been the heat & excitement. Anyway, Wednesday we decided to head to Epcot, and that was where we picked up our food poisoning. We went to the "Bier Garten" there and ate at the German buffet. My parents used to live in Germany and ordered German beers. My husband got one as well. I don't like heavy beers, but I did have some of my dad's, just so I could say I tried it. I don't think it was 2 hours after we ate that my husband got sick. It was terrible. There were crowds all over, and everyone was camping out waiting for the fireworks to start. He tried to get to a bathroom in time, but there was no way to get there, and no one was moving for him to get through. So he put his hand over his mouth and started to hurl, right there on the sidewalk at Epcot. THAT got people moving, and he was able to make it to the grass to puke. Then he ran to the bathrooms, and emptied out the other end. (bleh!!!!!!!!!!!!) We still felt fine, and just worried about my hubby. We took the bus back to the resort, and he almost threw up all over everyone on the bus. The bad stuff didn't hit the rest of us until midnight or so, but then all of the adults got sick. All...night....long.

We think it was the beer. Because the kids didn't get sick and they ate the same stuff we did. But they didn't have beer. We had a lot of fun trying to tell the Concierge that we drank beer and got sick. They weren't very sympathetic. I'm sure they were thinking 'hangover', but really. It wasn't!! They ended up making our tickets for the missed day "un-expirable". So we'll be able to use them the next time we go there. Even if it's 50 years later. So that's cool. We'll be going back (just not to the Bier Garten)

Thursday, we stayed in bed all day, and the kids played at the pool. After that though, things went much smoother, other than it being hot, and humid. We weren't really sweaty though, like a lot of people. Some of them even commented on how we seemed to be unaffected by the heat. I told them that we're from Texas. "Oh - so you're used to the heat, but it's a dry heat isn't it?" Well - yeah it's a dry heat, but so is the heat in your oven and I don't see you holding a picnic in there...... God I hate it when people try to discount the heat factor!! Hot is hot!!

And I will also say, when you get crowds, and heat, you get a lot of people in grumpy moods. Including myself. I got into a argument with some bitch that tried to cut in front of us at "It's a Small World". Damn! That's the coldest ride at the park... no way I was letting someone get in front of us! But they did, and then when I pushed my way back in front of her, she lipped off to me, which was HER mistake. Apparently, she thought I would back down. But I didn't, and her husband ended up pulling her away from me, and apologizing. Thankfully, my children did not witness that exchange, which I'm not the proudest of, but it happened.

All in all, we had a good time, and as soon as blogger stops being a turd, I'll try to upload the pictures (just a few of them!)

posted by Norman at 9:22 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Well, we still haven't gotten all the photos over on to the network drive yet... we have over 1000 of them from Disney - (don't worry, I'll not show you all of them!). So in the meantime, I'll show you what we did the week before we left.

I love to do home renovations. We bought this house four years ago, and there are still some rooms that are not to my liking. The room that I'm in right now for instance. It USED to be a maroon color. I hated it. It was so... so.... typical. Everybody up here has at least one maroon colored room, and one hunter green colored room. Yuck. I like light airy colors. The maroon made me feel like I was living in a cave. So I changed it! Finally! After 4 years. Tell me if you like the new color:

Keep in mind that I have not DECORATED the room yet, which is why it looks so plain... but the color!! I love it! In fact, I'm planning on painting our bedroom the same color (it's currently - hunter green). Oh - and yes, this room is where I blog! See? That's my computer on the right. The other two are my husbands. He built all three of them. This room is essentially his media room. But we all spend a lot of time back here. I want to figure out a way to make it not so industrialized looking back here. I also want a flat paneled 24 inch wide screen monitor like I have at work - but sadly, it appears we don't have the room for it on this ancient desk that we're using. But now that our Disney vacation is overwith, guess where our next bit of pocket change is going to? That's right! New furniture for back here! Yahoo!

Ok. That's it for now. Just wanted to show off my newly painted room. Now I'm off to finish the gobs of laundry that we had, and to start taping off our bedroom....


posted by Norman at 7:49 AM | Permalink | 6 comments
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Peek a Boo!
I'm back, but I'm doing laundry. You know. Washing all the vomit off our clothes after our food poisoning experience whilst at the Mouse's House.

I'll be back later ..... with pictures!! (don't worry - no vomit will be pictured)

posted by Norman at 1:27 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Ya gonna miss me?!
Sure you are! But I couldn't leave without one last post! So I'm sharing some funny stuff from my e-mail... All stuff that gave me a giggle throughout the week!

Eat your fingers!!

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?


These are the top 17 bumper stickers that everyone wants to see...

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called ... they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath..You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Hey Guys ,just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragileto be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America ... now speak English

The Bricklayer!!
~~Norman's note: I think the following is so very funny to me because I used to pay medical claims for a living, and while I'm sure the following story is fake... it is also very true of the kinds of accident details we used to get in the claims unit!! LOL

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the American Insurance Journal. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I was alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly more than 500 lb.. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135 lb. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a
great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lb. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel beginning its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your questions.

and finally:




posted by Norman at 8:28 AM | Permalink | 5 comments
Saturday, June 03, 2006
That's me. Buttcheek white, chicken leg white, glow-in-the-dark white, casper the friendly ghost white... you say it - I've been called it.

But not today!! Today I'm a marvelous bronzed goddess!! Yesterday I glowed white, today I glow BRONZE! Ahhhh... I love the miracle of the Mystic Tan!

My husband & I did last minute shopping today. I was running low on shorts (that fit) and I needed some tops, since I normally drape myself in fabric to avoid sunlight. I avoid sunlight because typically, when I do expose my gluestick colored legs, people think it's their right to tell me how white I am. Yeah. Thanks. Like I didn't know. I wonder if they'd get mad or feel self-conscious if I pointed out how fat they are? Or how ugly they are... something to do with their physical appearance to make them think less of themselves.

So I got a double whammy today. Extreme white skin, AND discovering that the summer clothing line is specifically designed to clothe women who are size 2. I really am not a fat person, but I'm not small either. I do have big arms. They are definitely NOT in proportion with the rest of my body (well, neither is my ass - but I'll not go there) I always wear tops with sleeves to minimize the appearance of my upper arms. But the summer line in every fricking place I looked had nothing but spaghetti straps or sleeveless shirts. I tried on one outfit and I swear to God, I looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy's wife. So there I was, standing in the huge 3 fold mirror that accentuates your every flaw, and I almost started to cry. I hate being fluffy. I used to be a size 2, but that was 3 kids ago. My husband noticed the look on my face, and suggested I could remedy ONE of my problems by doing the tanning booth.

I took off like a rocket and bought a two-fer special. I got me a sprayed on tan and I feel 50% better! Tomorrow I get blasted again, and I should be hearing NO COMMENTS about the whiteness of my skin.

I also re-tried on the two little string sleeved tops that my husband convinced me to buy, and it looks somewhat better now that my whiteness has been tamed. Aaaaand.... I bought a bathing suit. I've not set foot in one of them since I had Ethan so it was a bit of a shock, but oh well... I'll wear a t-shirt.

Oh - by the way, I am buttcheek white not by choice. I am buttcheek white because I'm one of those people who never tan. I'll BURN, then peel, the peel again, then freckle up. I used to try to burn myself in the hopes that the freckles would eventually merge and I would have a permanent tan, but it never happened, and all it's done is result in my having tons of pre-cancerous spots. I've been advised by a dermatologist to avoid all sunlight. My father is on his 20th procedure to remove skin cancer on his face... and has even had part of his ear removed. I think I'll just avoid the sun...

Hey - just think! When I get my picture taken with my favorite Disney Character (Donald Duck), I won't blend in with him anymore!

Norman - the bronzed one.
posted by Norman at 7:23 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Friday, June 02, 2006
Thanks a lot... i took your advice guys....
Are you ready for the outcome? I got to work, and relayed all my information to my boss. Like I predicted, she was pissed OFF. Next thing I know, she's on the phone to the asswipe, giving him what-for. Meanwhile - I'm trying to slink out of the office when I hear (just like I thought I would) "Well, Norman said...." I made it out the door, and retreated to my office. Just as I sat down at my desk, my boss called me and said, "I need you to come back in here". I grabbed my brand-new bottle of tums and trudged back. She wanted to talk a little more about the whole situation. About 5 minutes later, someone started just POUNDING on the door outside. I let them in, and it was the ASSWIPE! Now remember, he's one of the big dogs out there.

Next thing I know, this guy was in my face yelling about how I was a trouble-maker, and he FIRED ME!! So while he was still all red-faced, and since I've been fired anyway - I calmly picked up the stapler on my bosses desk and clocked him with it...........

Ok. I made that up. I didn't get fired, but that was the little scene I had playing in my head on my way to work this morning. I smiled when I got to the stapler part of my little daydream.

I ended up telling my boss about the whole thing, and she was upset, but not nearly as bad as I would have imagined. She DID send him an e-mail, and I told her that I was concerned that all this shit would blow up while I was gone, and that it was worrying me. So she smiled and told me to go on vacation, have a nice time, and not to worry... she's got my back. Have I ever mentioned to you guys how much I like my boss?

I also wanted to say thank you so so much for all the support you guys have shown me over the past couple of days. It really does mean a lot to me to know that people I've never met IRL are so supportive. {{{{{{{{CYBER HUG!!!!!!!!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}

posted by Norman at 6:30 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, June 01, 2006
the drama continues
At work that is. I got sucked into it again. I'm tellin' ya. I just need to buy some stock in Tums. Today passed by pretty uneventfully. So at 4:00, I was sitting at my desk, fat dumb & happy, thinking "Yay!! Today is 30 minutes from being done and NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!! Now if I can just get through tomorrow, I'll be DISNEY-BOUND!!" and then the phone rang. I stupidly answered it.

Now again, I will try to pare it down to the minimum details only - because otherwise, this frickin' post would be 50 pages long. What it boils down to, is a person that we are trying to bring in on a part-time contractual basis wanted to talk to me. This guy used to work with me until about 6 months ago, then he retired. I know him, I trust him, and I like him. And judging by the fact that he called me with this little tidbit - the feeling is reciprocal. Actually - he didn't tell me what he wanted to on the phone. He asked that we meet after work. Privately. I asked if it had to do with anything that I was currently dealing with (he knows about the lawsuit). He cryptically answered "Maybe" and told me he would meet me at my house at 6:30.

I hung up and the bad mojo feelings started. And when I met with him, and heard what he had to say...the mojo boiled over. I told him I was going to tell my boss what he had told me, and that I was going to tell her that it came from HIM. He said he was cool with that and left.

But now I'm wondering. If I give my boss this bit of information, it will definitely PISS HER OFF, though thankfully - not at me. You see, I came into possession of information that the guy I was bitching about in the last post is most definitely 'stalling' on completing some crucial information and that he's only doing it out of spite for my office. When I tell my boss this, she's going to hit the roof. It will be the proverbial last straw.

Here's the problem. IF I tell her of my conversation, she will send off an e-mail, and she will more than likely say "Norman told me this..." and "Norman spoke with ..." and "...he told Norman ..." just like her last e-mail. Then, my name is thrown into the ring again when I would very much like to remain hidden. Also - more than likely, nothing will be done tomorrow about her hypothetical e-mail, because the management people will want to talk it over and decide how they are going to move on it. They most likely will not do anything with it until next week, when I will be gone...... and utterly unable to defend myself against any accusations that might come my way. I'll be at Disney next week, worried if I still have a job.....

If I DON'T tell her of the conversation until I get back, well - then it will probably come to her attention by other means anyway, and my name will still be attached in the way of "Well - I told Norman to tell you this..." also - this whole thing is kind of time-sensitive. It needs to be taken care of. If I don't say anything, then I'm almost as guilty as the asswipe. Either way I'll be worrying next week while I'm on vacation if I should have told her anyway.

It's six of one and half a dozen of the other. In other words, I'm pretty much being sucked in whether I want to be or not. Why? I'm not even the one that put this contract together.

And all I did was answer the phone. Shit!!

So - I leave for work at 7am. You late night/early morning bloggers: Should I tell her or not? I'll check before I leave (I'm not allowed to access blogs while at work)!! I need advice!
posted by Norman at 9:04 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
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