Monday, November 26, 2007
This is just typical of things that happen to me
I know most of you have been reading me for a while. I know most of you probably leave this blogsite going: "What a dumbass" and then come back to make sure that your original impression of me and my bumblings is spot-on. Some of you are new to my blog and are speeding thru my archives to catch up ( I know this because I see my site meter ), and then some of you have just stumbled onto my blog and periodically come back just to read my nonsense.

Which brings me to my point. I don't know what my point is, but let me tell you the stupid ass thing I did today. Mind you...I don't know HOW I managed to do this, but I did it.

I went to the bathroom today at work, (yes.. some of you are already screaming "TMI!!" but this is a crucial issue), did my 'bidness and started heading back to my desk. Now, I noticed that "something" in the ...ahem...private areas of my being were slightly uncomfy, but a bit of scootching in my seat seemed to ease the problem. Besides, I was on the phone with some idiot poor soul who had inadvertantly driven their vehicle up onto some landscaping rocks, and the important matter at hand was how to maneuver the vehicle OFF the rock without taking out the rest of the undercarriage. Yes - this person admitted to me that alcohol WAS was the prostitute that had been "working" while he was driving. So while I was listening to the man beg me not to let his wife know the full details of said accident, you can understand why my small issue of uncomfy undies came second fiddle.

After I finally got off the phone with the man, I leapt up to tell my coworkers about this accident, because truthfully..when you call in to report a claim to your insurance company??? If it's stupid accident??? We ALL laugh at your dumbass.

But I digress.

So I jumped up - like I said, and we all had a good laugh, then I sat down, and leapt right back up. Something had HURT me DOWN THERE. And not a good hurt either. I gingerly sat back down and got right back up. Mudderfudder hurt a lot. Logging out on my phone, I headed back to the bathroom. Pulled down my pants and took a look-see.

Know what? APPARENTLY, some how...and I'm not quite sure HOW this occurred....but SOMEHOW, my earring had fallen off and lodged itself in my pretty lil' undies. And was poking the ouch-shit out of me.

Norman's Day: Score one for pretty much the same old same old of stupid human tricks performed by me.
posted by Norman at 7:30 PM | Permalink | 17 comments
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I'm the jingle jangle jingler !!!
I've been known to do some pretty corny things in my life, but this just MIGHT top the corniest!!

But, I figured - what the hell...let's give this a whirl! Last year, in Amarillo, some of my more snooty neighbors were doing the "You've been Jingled" thing. Nobody jingled my house. I felt so unjingled. Basically, the "rules" for Jingling can be found here. The only way I found out that Jingling had been occurring in my old neighborhood is when I found a crumpled up torn sign blowing down the street....obviously after it had blown off someone's door from where they had been jingled. I felt so sad that I was never considered "Jingleable".

Let's fast forward to new town, new house. Thinking about what a blast Halloween had been in this neighborhood, I decided to start up the Jingling on my own.

I bought two cutsie wootsie little snowmen and made up the signs and envelopes, tucked everything into a Christmassy bag and popped my Jingle gifts on two unsuspecting neighbors doorsteps. Ashton helped me select the houses of the people we jingled. Neither of us know these people. All we know is they live in our neighborhood. The strategy we had for picking these houses was because we drive by them on the way home, and we'll be able to see if they hang their Jingle Signs.

I think Ashy is getting more giggles out of this than me! She's looking forward to seeing how many people jingle each other!

**I actually wrote this post last night, after we had dropped off the packages. This morning, I noticed that the first house we jingled already had their sign up, but the SECOND house still has the package out on the doorstep. Now I'm rethinking this. I'm bringing up a bunch of what ifs. WHAT IF the homeowner freaks out to an unexpected package and calls the BOMB SQUAD about this present we left on their doorstep!! HOLY SHIT! I'M GOIN' TO THE POKEY!

Should I go retrieve this stupid jingle gift ???
posted by Norman at 2:11 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Friday, November 23, 2007
In honor of my most popular post ever, I give you a re-run on my blog
I was reading my November blog to see how this year's Thanksgiving stacked up against last year's T-giving when I ran across this particular post. Realizing that I will probably NEVER top this post, I decided to do the lazy thing, and just recycle this post in honor of last year. It really was the most fun I ever had shopping.

Hope everyone had a great Turkey Day!!!

Every year, I have made it a POINT to avoid the much-hyped "Black Friday". I refuse to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:00am and shiver outside of a friggin' STORE just to get the best deals. I have made it a POINT to not have to battle the ad-waving people scrambling through the newspaper flyers, plotting out my next shopping hit while I wait for 2 hours in the cold. It's a POINT. A point about what - I'm not too sure, but it's a point. My sister, however, raises no points and decided to drag me on her shopping excursion.

The phone calls began at 3:30am,

Friday*ring*me: "h'lo?"
evil sister: "Wake up!! We gotta go!!!"
me: *click*

me: "h'lo?"
evil sister: "WAKE UP!!! I'M COMING OVER"
me: *click*

me: "go fuck yourself"
Mom: "that's nice"
me: "oh .... oops!!! "
Mom: (clearly miffed) "Your sister would like to go shopping"
me: "tell her to go fuck herself"
Mom: *click*

me: "mom?"
evil sister: (taunting me) "Mom's really mad at you!! hahaha!! I'm the better daughter!!"
me: "click"
evil sister: "you didn't hang up. You just SAID click"
me: "it was a hint"
me: *click*

me: "You're going to wake the kids up beeeeyotch!!"
Dad: "Your mother said your language was terrible."
me: "awwww SHIT!"
dad: "Young lady. we did not raise you to talk like that..."
Me: "You also didn't raise me to wake up at ungodly hours to go spend my freaking MONEY!!"
Me: *click* .... WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM (<--- that's me whamming the phone down repeatedly)

me: "I'm taking the phone off the hook now"
evil sister: "No!! Wai------"
****sound of the phone being laid off the hook****

So then I slept in until 5:30am. At which point Avery decided it was a FANTASTIC time to watch 'toons. And she woke up the other two hooligans. I hung out with them for a while and drank coffee and pondered the idea of beginning my shopping. I mean.... every other year - my hubs and I have dropped the kids off with my mom and done a Shopping Blitz, finishing all of our gift-buying in one day. But then I remembered that MY HUSBAND DOES NOT LIVE HERE ANYMORE. So maybe it WOULD be a good idea to take advantage of the fact that I have people willing to watch my children (oh - and yeah, my husband was here this weekend for T-Giving) while I do my shopping.

I called my evil sister about 9:00am. And begged her forgiveness for my earlier rudeness. She was kind of miffed at me since she missed out on the "early bird" specials, but we agreed on a more (civil) time to meet up and we went a-shopping.We started out at Best Buy, where I bought a couple of photo printers, that are normally $150, for $49.95. So I was happy with that - and ready to go home... but my sister really really REALLY wanted to go to Target. And that is where I lost all my money.

I hate Target mainly because I want to buy everything in that store. And Friday - I actually TRIED to buy everything in that store. Whatever I didn't buy - my sister did. We quite literally filled up my car until nothing else would fit in it. We left my house at 10:00am, and I didn't get back home until 8:00pm. I distinctly remember telling my husband that I would be back at the house by 12:00. Apparently, I didn't specify 12:00am or 12:00pm, and his mistake was in not asking me to clarify. Either way - I wasn't in too much trouble. And he hasn't checked the bank account lately because I'm still alive. But the majority of our shopping is DONE!! But I digress!!

We spent the majority of our day at Target. I think around 3:00pm, I realized I was seriously broke, but was unwilling to call it a day. I kept eyeballing the contents of my cart and pulling things out, calculating, recalculating, and then shoving everything back in going "To hell with it!! This is CHRISTMAS!!"

I was hanging out by the vacuum cleaners, eyeballing the Dyson's. Particularly the Purple one called the "Animal" (Spicy Cracker told me the Animal is wonderful!!), when I found it.

Know what I found? I found one of the Target Employees little walkie-talkies. I have never had so much friggin' fun in my life!!!! I picked it up, and turned it on. Pushed the little button, and began talking as if I was a Target Employee:

ME: "Hey Guys!! The boss says that if we get our areas zoned, we can leave EARLY!!"

The channel went silent for a minute, and then chatter picked up on the radio.


Me: "Nah - I'm just jacking with you"

TARGET People: "It's not funny. Give me a price check..."

Me: "Price check? Sure! Go ahead"

TARGET People: "How much are the TrueTech Digital Photo Frames"

Me: "Damned if I know. Why don't you just give it to them for $25?"

TARGET People: ".....$25? They're like... usually $110...."

Me: "Well.. the price today is $25"

TARGET People: "Who is this?"

Me: "I'm a customer. I found the radio, but I'm coming over to get my digital photo frame for $25"

TARGET People: "You're a guest and you have a radio? "

Me: "Yeah. I found it. This is pretty cool"

TARGET People: "Well, could you please bring the radio to guest services?"

Me: "No I don't think I want to"

TARGET People: "Well, you have to."

Me: "Hey. Finders keepers and all that... can I have a photo frame for $25?"

TARGET People: "Where are you?"

Me: "I'm over in housewares right now, but I'm walking really really fast, cause now I have to move"

TARGET People: "You know security can see you from their little bubble cameras"

Me: "Okay... I'll give you your radio... but can I have a photo frame for $25?

Target person tapping me on the back.... "No, but thank you for finding our radio..."

Me: "damn"

Then my sister made us leave.

But that's what she gets for making me go shopping the day after Thanksgiving.
posted by Norman at 6:55 AM | Permalink | 5 comments
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Well. THAT title ought to earn me some unexpected blog traffic. But yeah - let's talk about TIT.

I h8 when ppl TIT me. Don't TIT me. I dnt wnt 2 hear it. If u hv smthng 2 say - dnt TIT me.

Did you get that??

One of my coworkers is in her early 20's. She has this annoying habit of "Talking in Text" to me (TIT)


Me: Hey Ally! How's your day going so far!?

Her: OMG! This person just yelled at me! I wanted to tell him so bad to STFU!! LOL!!

Me: OMG?

Her: Ya!! ROFLMAO. Don't you know what OMG is?

Me: Yes. I just don't expect people to say it for real

Her: Oh ya! It's easier for me to just talk like I text sometimes

Me: STFU and GAL

Her: GAL?


So now she's pissed at me. But honestly, don't TIT me. I h8 it
posted by Norman at 7:45 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Well this sucks.
i had an entirely different post for tonight. Actually - I had an entirely different post the last couple of days that I just haven't gotten around to writing. It's all in my head right now, so as soon as I get thru this new crisis, I'll post it.

But let me tell you how my day went today.

It started at 4:30am courtesy of The Ethanator standing by our bed. I heard a noise and looked up. I saw his outline next to the bed and I asked him what was up. "Look! " he announced cheerily "It's OLIVIA!" as Olivia pranced across our bed. "I see Olivia, but why are YOU up?" I groggily questioned. "Because my tummy hurts." Now that he'd remembered why he was in our room, his demeanor changed from excited to see the cat to sick and pathetic. "Oh no!! Are you going to throw up?" "No, it's just my tummy hurts and I'm really hungry."

So rather than get up and cook him breakfast at 4:30am, I convinced him to stay in our bed and lay quietly. He did this, but then when the alarm rang for us to get up, he still said his stomach hurt and it was because he was hungry. So we fed him breakfast and sent him to school. I made it about 3 steps into my office building when I got a call from the school nurse telling me that Ethan was in her office.

The nurse said that he was nauseous. Now see, earlier my husband & I had just decided that the child was constipated because he kept sitting on the pot while getting ready for school. So we let the nurse know that he just had to crap and he'd be fine. She sent him back to class. 10 minutes later he was back in the office because he had proceeded to ralph all over his classmate.

oops. Mommy Moment of the Year award goes to ME.

I got through the rest of the day at work because my mother graciously offered to take care of him. I have the next two days off so this should be no problem....right?

I was driving home tonight, and stopped at our mailbox. Turned my car off, got the mail from the community box, and started my car. Or at least...I tried to start my car.

Won't start.

So imagine this: Me in heels trying to push my car the last block home.

Didn't happen.

Some nice man helped me get my car up to my street at which point my husband meandered out to assist me in trying to get the car up the steep incline which is what our driveway amounts to.

I almost ran him over when the car started rolling backward.

oops again

So now I'm stuck at home with a child who is doing his best imitation of the excorcist, no working car, and no idea how I'm going to get it repaired. I hate it when cars break down this close to the holidays!

The bad news is I think it's the starter which is never a cheap fix. GrreeeaAAAaaAAAAAtttt
posted by Norman at 5:50 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, November 08, 2007
We interrupt this blog for a birthday announcement....

Now, if you're pregnant...stop reading. This is in no way going to be a thing you'll want to know about while you're pregnant.
It's hard for me to believe that the guy who gave me the nickname of "Norman" is now 6 big years old. In fact, it's easier for me to remember the day he was born. So to me, it's like yesterday that I finally got to meet him for the first time.
Oh sure, he'd been kicking around my kidney's for a while, but I didn't really set eyes on him until 6 years ago. And he sure as hell made his entrance something memorable.
Don't get me wrong, he wasn't on death's door and we weren't rushed to the hospital in some sort of drama that Lifetime likes to make mushy little made-for-tv movies about. It was just that he got....stuck.
Have you have been giving birth and your kid gets STUCK before? I had no freaking clue such a thing could happen. So there we were, deep in the throes of the miracle of birth when you could almost HEAR the doors of childbirth slam shut.
"PPPPPUSSSSSHHHH!!!!" yelled my husband gleefully. "PUUUUUSSSHHHHHH ooooooowwwwwSSSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIITTTT!!!!" (that last part is me grabbing him by the soft skin underneath his chin. Did you know grabbing people there hurts a lot? It also made him stop being so damn happy about the fact that I was in labor)
"Um. You might want to stop coaching your wife to push right about now," mentioned the nurse "it appears your child is stuck."
"What the hell?!" STUCK? I would have offered to leap out of the bed and do a few jumping jacks to help dislodge him, but the epidural was hooked up and that was a bit of loveliness I did not want to part with. "Errrr.... yes. He appears to have his shoulders stuck. We might have to help him out with your next contraction..."
Silly me. I didn't know what this meant. See -- what they meant to say was this: "When you have your next contraction, this nurse here who looks like a linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys is going to stand on the rail of your hospital bed and wham the shit out of your hip to try to push your pelvis apart. Meanwhile, I'm going to pull on your baby's head and brace my foot on the end of the bed to gain more traction."
Or something like that. I know my husband was standing against the wall with a shocked look on his face watching the scene as he held an icepack to the underside of his chin. I even think someone from the hospital staff was taking pictures from the hallway. I bet if you look hard enough that damn picture is posted on someone's blog.
All I know is after the first round of that method, I have never pushed so hard in my life because I certainly didn't want the next contraction to begin and find out what kind of midwife fuckery they were going to pull next.
And that - in a nutshell - is how I met my son and he's been entertaining the family ever since.
posted by Norman at 2:55 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
I've got a gripe.

It's not a major gripe, but it's awfully annoying for me. And because you are reading this blog I'm going to assume you wanna hear it, so here it is:

Stop with the stupid ringtone on your cell phones.

Ok Guys. I know it can't POSSIBLY be ya'll doing this to me. But really, if any of you twerps are stumbling across this post, please listen: IT IS NOT COOL TO FORCE ME TO LISTEN TO YOUR CHOICE IN MUSIC.

Now I'm not talking about the ring tones you get when your phone rings. I can handle that because the minute your phones answer, you're hopping around and answering it before the first few sounds are out. I can handle the rings.

What I don't like is when I am FORCED to listen to the sound of your music when I'm attempting to call your phone. You know...instead of the electronic sound of the phone ringing in your ear, it's the sound of YOUR preference in music, or what some people classify as music?

I do not like rap. Never have...never will. I will admit I'm an old fuddy-duddy when it comes to this, and but I HAAAAAAAAAAATE it! So when I'm making phone calls in the middle of the day to people that have insurance issues..the last thing I want to hear screaming into my ear is this:

Wouldja wanna fuck
hunh hunh hunh
wouldja wanna fuck
hunh hunh hunh
wouldja wanna fuck
you know it
you know it
wouldja wanna fuck
hunh hunh hunh
wouldja wanna fuck
hunh hunh hunh
you know it
you know it
oo oo
I know I know.. Those are deep and meaninful lyrics..... to a 16 year old.
And I've got some that have freaking Celine Dion screeching in my ear as well. Cain't stand her either, even though she isn't a rapper.
While I'm on the subject of gripes, I'll gripe about this blog as well.
I know I haven't been responding to posts lately - I apologize for that....but c'mon.... I get well over 150 hits each day and NO ONE is talking to me.
I'm in a pissy mood right now, so I'll just go ahead a announce it right now.
Thank you. That is all.
posted by Norman at 7:06 PM | Permalink | 33 comments
Thursday, November 01, 2007
GHOST STALKER know all those "ghost photo's" you see where the proof is floating orbs? You've all seen the "orbs" that I'm talking about, right? Well, I never saw them in Amarillo. And I KNOW my house was haunted there. For the record, and I know this is a huge disappointment to the ghost post fans, there's no haunting here. Sux for you - but a relief for me. At least now I know I'm not crazy. I really thought I was delusional there for the past 5 years.

So far - no scariness. I took my goblins trick or treating last night.... Halloween here is AWESOME! For the past 12 years, I've lived in the Bible Belt and Halloween was a Heathen Event. 6 out of every 10 houses had their lights off and it pretty much sucked to be a kid trick or treating.

I'd forgotten how much everyone gets into Halloween down here. My neighbor told me that when Halloween fall on a Friday, he goes thru 45 pounds of candy....easy. Our neighborhood was awash in ghouls & gremlins last night, and even the grownups were dressed up. It was spooktacular!! One neighbor's kids even put on a show in his yard....Fencing Skeletons. All in all we had a blast.

Here's a shot of my kids (insert gratuitous photo here:)

Ashy's candy bag broke on someone's front door step...hence the wal*mart bag...but they all looked pretty cute.

But that's not what I wanted to show you. Last night was amazingly clear. No fog, no bugs...beautiful Halloween night. My man took a picture of our house from the street. Wanna know what showed up?

Orbs. Lot's of 'em. Look:

In between the cars there even appears to be some sort of ectoplasm stuff building. THEN... he took another picture of the porch, and it shows a strange shadow behind Ashy.

We're not sure what the shadow was, but it wasn't there when we took the picture. Oh, and I thought maybe it was the light from the hanging ghost, but the shadow is there even when the ghost isn't lit up. I just can't get that one particular pic to upload...

So....I wonder if my Amarillo ghost has finally found me?

posted by Norman at 2:39 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
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