Saturday, April 29, 2006
When Girls Drink Beer
An e-mail I got last night:

When girls drink beer:

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purses are.

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "WOO-HOO!" is truly the sexiest dance move ever.

3. We suddenly decide that we want to kick someone's ass.. and honestly believe we could do it too.

4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the Goddess we were just 4 hours ago.

5. We start crying suddenly and telling everyone that we see that we love them soooooo much!

6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play's because "OH MY GOD! I TOTALLY LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.

8. We've suddenly taken up smoking... and become really good at it.

9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe chetaed us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin.

10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)

11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it.

12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.

Ok - I've identified a few beliefs that I've previously held up there.... how about ya'll?!!

(Norman -----> Currently drinking a 32 oz Raspberries & Cream Daquiri with an extra floater)
posted by Norman at 12:39 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Thursday, April 27, 2006
A post in which I'm very angry and ramble on and on
I'm royally pissed. ROYALLY! So if you don't want to read about how angry I am, and all the vile epitaths I will likely spew in this missive, please click onto the next blog....

Have I cleared out the people who aren't interested??

oh. ok - I'll wait for you to leave too...

**taps foot expectedly**


Let's begin now... shall we? I'm so fed up with the legal system at this time that I could just IMPLODE. I feel like SCREAMING! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH! Ok. I feel much better. What's this about? Oh nothing big - just a $1000 dollar traffic ticket. Yeah. $1000 and no, it's not a DUI. Or a DWI. Whatever you want to call it nowadays. It's called a speeding ticket with an expired drivers license, no proof of insurance, and expired registration.... all in a construction zone. I didn't get this ticket. My HUSBAND got this ticket. I'm not mad at him for getting the ticket. I was with him when we got it. What infuriates me is the circumstance surrounding this ticket.

The Bubba Cop that pulled us over wrote on the ticket that we were in a construction zone. When my husband went to go take care of the ticket today, he was informed that the Court will dismiss the charges of Expired Drivers License, Expired Registration, and Insurance, since he could prove we do in fact, have all of those. That was great news!! Brought the total of the ticket down to $247. BUT, apparently - the Bubba Cop is a filthy, vile, dirty dawg liar that wrote constructions workers were present at the time of the violation, and therefore - we cannot get this ticket dismissed by my husband taking Defensive Driving. Aaaaaannddd... Since the constructions workers were present - the fine is now doubled.. $494... will that be cash or check?

So now we want to contest this ticket, but every frickin' lawyer that we talked to said that they can't help us. It's our word against the cops, and the court always defers to the law officer. WHAT THE FUCK? So - the court won't recognize that they might, just *might* have a crooked lying piece of shit patrolling the highways, raking in traffic fines in order to make money for their cheesy ass poor county? I'm so pisssssed!! What the hell can we do? It would cost more money for us to get a lawyer on this. And - get this - the Justice of the Peace that my husband talked to today said that he could go to court over it - but that if he's found 'guilty' all fines will be considered, and we would have to end up paying the $1000.

You know, if it was just a speeding fine, I would tell him, "Pay the ticket" or do defensive driving, but this is so clearly WRONG WRONG WRONG. And this is not the first time we've had to deal with the legal system and it's ineffectiveness.

When we bought this house we're living in, we were ecstatic. It was a dream come true. We'd been saving 7 years to buy a house, and get out of an apartment. We bought a house in a neighborhood that was good, close to the schools, and pushing the very top of our budget. We wanted a house that we'd be in for awhile, so we opted for a more expensive house, expecting that we were making an investment, and it could only appreciate in value. We got the disclosure on the house, no problems noted, got the inspection done on the house, no problems noted. Closed on the house and moved in. That's when the problems started. Ever seen the movie "The Money Pit"? Well - I think that movie was based on our house. The minute we moved in, everything started falling to shit. We had no hot water, well - we had hot water, it was just leaking out under our slab. The air conditioner was leaking all over the crawl space upstairs, and apparently we had a huge gas leak. When the various repair men would come in - they would tell us that nothing would be covered under the home warranty that came with our house, because everything was broken due to 'incorrect installation'. In my first week in my house, I had 5 men tunneling under the concrete slab, 2 men jackhammering into the foundation in the back room, 1 man replacing the gas line, another plumber telling me I needed a new sewage line and one guy telling me that I needed a new garbage disposal. I think the garbage disposal threw me over the edge...

We gathered up all the bills and headed to a lawyer for help. We were out $23,000. And not one single lawyer would help us, because there was not enough money in it for them. We had proof, we had witnesses, we had a signed contract stating that there was NOTHING WRONG WITH THE HOUSE. But no one would help us. Not enough money in it for them. Isn't that sweet? This whole ordeal was a fricking nightmare. It's been 4 years now, and we are JUST NOW getting back on our feet after losing our asses like that. And I guess it's just rubbing me the wrong way that we're mired up with the legal system yet again, and I feel so fucking helpless. Isn't the legal system supposed to help the PEOPLE??? NOT the lawmakers?

Yeah - I know it's only $494, but it pisses me off because it's WRONG!!! IT'S A LIE! It should be HALF that amount, and the only thing we did wrong was speed. OOOOOOO I'm so pissed again. This CAN'T be right.... it can't be allowed!! I need some suggestions now, because right now I'm wallowing in the "poor-pitiful-us-getting-kicked-around-by-the-law-and-legal-system again" thing. I'm not thinking straight.

Anybody have any advice on how we can take this to court... and WIN?? Because I'll fight it to the bitter end...
posted by Norman at 7:18 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Caution: Nasty stuff ahead!
Ever had to pull off on the side of the road while driving and VOMIT out your car door? Without alcohol involved that is?? No? Well, neither have I, but I almost did it today!! Have I ever mentioned what a weak stomach I have? I do. I have a weak stomach. I can look at my own kids stuff, but other people?? Huh-uh. You're on your own. Weak stomach. I'm tellin' ya..

But today, I was driving down the road, drinking my coffee, and following a work truck. You've seen work trucks before, haven't you? They're the pick-ups piled high with construction materials and construction workers. I don't follow them too closely, because they don't load them very well, and I'm always askeered that a wheelbarrow or an illegal will fly out and go thru my windshield. But I'm paranoid like that. But today - I was just driving along, minding my own beeswax, drinking my coffee and singing along with Cat Stevens about the "Wild World" when SPLAT! A big nasty glob of green goo hit my windshield and stuck. I'm guessing it was a hawker, and it came directly from the truck in front of me. EWWWWWWW!!!!! Of course, I immediately hit my windshield wipers to get rid of it, but it just streaked across my vision in a naseating arc. And stringy. With little clumps of God knows what. (SNOT!) Apparently, my wipers need to be changed...or at least they do now. And did you know that snot drys amazingly fast? Yeah!! It does!! I was driving down the highway, gagging, and flipping my washer fluid and wipers as often as I could. I went through the entire reservoir of washer fluid, and I could still see that arc of snot on my window. I had to drive 30 freaking miles eyeballing that mess. When I pulled up to the security gate at work - I was about as green as the crap on my windshield. I tottered into my building, feeling sick - and sat down for awhile. I tried to convince my coworker to go clean it for me, I even offered to buy him lunch (cause I sure wasn't going to feel hungry later), but I guess chivalry is dead. He did thank me for the laugh though. I grabbed a razor blade, and went back out to my car. I had to SCRAPE that shit off, and it did come off - in little flakes that stuck to the razor. So I ditched the whole mess in the trash, and went and soaked my hand in lysol.... What a nasty way to start the day. Now the snot is gone, but there's a really really clean arc on my windshield - and my imagination is really vivid, so the whole way home, I kept seeing the arc and remembering what USED to be there.

I think I'll leave at the same time tomorrow, and WAIT for that work truck to happen along. When it does - I'm going to get in front of it and fling DOG SHIT on it. We've got plenty of it in the back yard!! I'm thinking I could soak some in water overnight, get it good and mushy. Maybe throw some kernals of corn in it for appearance and really get this truck....

What do you think my chances are that I can find this truck!! I'm feeling really kind of vengeful right now!!
posted by Norman at 7:25 PM | Permalink | 19 comments
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Poor Suckers
Don't you just hate it when you see someone attempting to scam others? It bugs the living shit out of me. However - I just can't seem to bring myself to call them on it becaaaaaaausse... it's NOMB.

NOMB? None of My Business

I wasn't invited to this particular blog by someone actively seeking my money, or by someone wanting my input. I just 'stumbled' across it while hitting the 'next blog' button, which I'm apt to do when I'm looking for blog fodder. (yes - sometimes I run out of ideas and scan the blogosphere for inspiration... shhhh!!!)

But this person just IRKS ME. They've IRKED me so much that I've bookmarked them so I can go back every day to see if they've bamboozled any other people. And she/he has.

OK. Without giving out the details of this persons blog name or their blog address, I'll just 'sketch' in the details...

What they've done, is set themselves up as an artist. Then - they ask you to send in your favorite photo of a child/person/pet/house/ whatever... whatever image you would like a pencil sketch of, HANDDRAWN. Then, she/he charges a price and sends you a nifty pencil sketch of your photo.... except - I'm looking at these photos, and with the exception of VERY FEW, they all look like scanned in, and then they just simply used the Graphic Pen effect on Microsoft Photo Editor to change the image from a color photo to the 'finished product' that they then market as their OWN ARTWORK. I'm telling you... there's NO WAY NO WAY at all you can get the same effect from if it were in fact, hand drawn.


and that's all I have to say about that...
posted by Norman at 7:52 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Friday, April 21, 2006
Ow!! just OW!! (and a WTF thrown in to boot)

I just wrapped up the most boring.week.evAR. Really. Where the hell was the Calgon to take me away? Cause I really wanted to be taken away from here.

Seeing that this week was so boring, I had absolutely nothing to blog about. But I love to blog. Being the social critter that I am, I just HAVE to write something down, or else people don't come visit me and that makes me very very sad. ACK! I'm rambling! See what being bored all week does to a person?? Makes them ramble.


Since I was so bored, I was scrabbling around on the internet, reading weird news stories, because it makes me feel better about myself and that maybe there's hope for me yet. And I found a doozy. It's about a guy that ....well - wait. Here, read it for yourself:

Man survives 12 nails to the head
Associated Press Apr. 21, 2006 02:45 PM

PORTLAND, Ore. - A 33-year-old Oregon man on methamphetamine and suffering from mental health problems fired 12 nails from a nail gun into his head and survived.The man, who has not been identified by medical officials for privacy reasons, went to an Oregon hospital last year complaining of a headache.Doctors were surprised when they took X-rays and found the nails - six clustered between his right eye and ear, two below his right ear and four on the left side of his head. No one before is known to have survived having intentionally fired so many foreign objects into the head, according to the current issue of the Journal of Neurosurgery, where the case is detailed.The nails were not visible when doctors initially examined the man in the emergency room of a hospital, a day after he'd fired the nail gun. When doctors saw the X-ray results, they transferred him to Oregon Health & Science University in Portland for intensive neurological care.He became short-tempered and hostile when OHSU staff asked him how the injury occurred, according to the study. Psychological examinations showed he had "poor judgment and insight."The man at first told doctors he had had a "nail gun accident." It wasn't until later that the patient admitted he'd used meth and the injury was a suicide attempt.The patient was in remarkably good condition when he got to OHSU, according to the study. While even one nail to the head can be fatal, these nails came close to major blood vessels and the brain stem but did not pierce either.The nails still posed a threat to the patient's health and doctors decided to operate quickly. Because of the number of nails, doctors decided to fully sedate him rather than keep him partially awake, which is done in some surgeries to monitor neurological responses.Surgeons were able to remove the nails with needle-nosed pliers and a drill because the nail heads did not penetrate the skull.The patient was later transferred to psychiatric care. He stayed there nearly a month until a court-ordered hospital stay expired. Then the patient left, against medical advice, the study said.Nail gun injuries are often accidental. But over 65 percent of the time, a nail gun injury to the head is associated with an intentional discharge, a psychiatric disorder or both, the study said.This patient suffered from an undiagnosed mood disorder with suicidal intent, the study said.He told doctors that he later attempted suicide again but has been drug-free for six months and has been able to recover.

You done? Did you read it?? Can you see the part that made me say WTF? I mean... aside from the part that some strung out jackass who apparently has mental issues (ya think?) decided to blast nails into his head... OK. I'm rambling again. The part that WTF-ed me was this:

"...The nails were not visible when doctors initially examined the man in the emergency room of a hospital, a day after he'd fired the nail gun. .."

eh?? Now... I don't know what scares me more. The fact that meth can make you shoot nails into your head, or the fact that doctors... DOCTORS...did NOT see the holes that 12 frickin' nails made.

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT SOMEONE HAS 12 NAILS STICKING OUT OF THEIR HEAD? Now - I can say that you might not see the nails if they went all the way into the skull, but they were able to remove these nails by yanking them out with needle nose pliers. (I wonder if they autoclaved their craftsmen tools before operating with them?) They could do this because the nailheads didn't penetrate the skull. But wouldn't the nails have made HOLES?? Bloody holes that have NAILS sticking out of them?? They really needed an XRay just to find out he had nails in his head?? I've soooooo got to be a doctor. Damn! I could have diagnosed that straight up without the fucking xray...

wow. I'm cracking up over here. The guy just went to the ER because he had a headache. In fact... my head hurts a bit. I'd better go check for nails.
posted by Norman at 9:04 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Redneck Reflections
I was vegging out on my way home today, and my mind began to wander back to my younger, wildchild days. Quite frankly, I'm amazed that I'm still alive. Some of the things I've done in my past - YIKES! I guess my age finally hit me today. I can remember getting phone calls at 8:00pm at night from friends saying "Pack a bag - let's go to the coast, we'll be there in half an hour" So I would jam some clothes in a duffel, holler to my parents that I'd be back within the next few days, and take off for the coast. I can remember riding in the back of a truck with my friends and a cooler full of beer, staring up at the sky and all the stars as we headed for the coast in the early evening. We'd get there just in time to find a room, and head to the clubs. Fun times. One time, we had a bigger group than normal heading down to Padre. We took two trucks and drove down the highway side by side. I lifted up the cooler to grab a beer and found it empty. I checked out the other truck, and they had LOTS of beer. What's a girl to do? Well - THIS girl banged on the cab of the truck - told them to slow down, and launched herself into the other truck, driving down the highway at 50mph (they'd slowed down... thankfully). Oh - it was funny at the time - but now I look at my oldest and cringe at the myriad of 'wonderstunts' that she'll probably be pulling somewhere down the line.

I wonder if I'll catch her... or is she screwed 'cause I was such a hoodlum that she'll never get away with shit?
posted by Norman at 9:01 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Monday, April 17, 2006
Between Amarillo and Dallas
There is not much of anything. It's just flat flat flat. Nothing much to see except empty open plains with an old house falling down here and there. And old rickety windmills out in the middle of wide expanse of open fields. Then you go through a small town and it's nothing but dusty old buildings that look like they were built in the 1950's (which they probably were) and never remodeled.

However - I lucked out on this particular road trip. The first bit of luck I caught was because my parents took my older children with them, so there were two less kids I had to entertain on the 7 hour drive. That just left me with the baby, and I sat in the back with her, watched "Baby Einstein" videos on the DVD and read while she napped. The second bit of luck I caught was during her nap. I was at a boring part of my book, and opted to gaze out the window at the blandness that is the Texas Panhandle. While I was staring, an 18-wheeler passed and I was treated to the COOLEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN on this particular stretch of roadway.

This 18 wheeler was hauling..... beehives. Beehives in square white boxes stacked one on top of each other, covered with a net, and swarming with thousands of angry buzzing bees. I immediately went into a frenzy, because - well - I was bored and this was just something new that I've never seen before. I whacked my husband on the back of the head and started yelling and asking him where the camera was. Poor guy almost drove into the bee truck because he was so startled. Wouldn't THAT have been funny... But here's some pictures of all the bees:

(Hey Shelly!! This post is for you! I thought of you and this post when I saw the truck!!)

Can you see where the bees are trying to get back in?? It was crazzeeee! I had the window down to try to get a better look, and then I noticed that even though the truck was moving - the bees were still flying around and trying to get in. About that time, my husband started saying that the bees were hitting the windshield, and I started worrying that some would get in the car and sting the baby and me, and then I would fling the camera out the window... so I shut the window. I also managed to get some video of this whole thing, but I think I was freaking out the truck driver so I stopped.

The other cool thing that I took a picture of was a town called "Medicine Mound Texas". The reason it is called that is because there are some HUGE MOUNDS out in the middle of the plains, that are apparently man-made. But I don't know WHEN they were made. I tried getting some info out of the internet on it, but all I could find (after like, 3 minutes worth of searching) was that the Comanche Indians considered it a magical place. Who made these mounds, why did they make these mounds, and what's in them? The largest peak is 235 feet high, which is pretty big for being man-made. The mounds are actually located on private property, so we couldn't go walk on them, but I took pictures!

Those mounds are about 10 miles away, and taken with a zoom lens, so that should give you some perspective on how big they are. Also - you need to consider that they are smack dab in the middle of the Texas Plains. We don't have hills around here, all the more reason why these things stick out like a sore thumb. There are actually 5 of the mounds, but I only got pics of the biggest ones...

So - anyone out there know anything about these Medicine Mounds? If you do - I'd sure like to know the following: Who built them, Why'd they build them, and What's in them?!


p.s. you can click on the pictures above for the larger picture... it shows more detail!
posted by Norman at 8:24 PM | Permalink | 16 comments
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Happy Easter!
Well - did you guys have a Happy Easter?

Click Me Click Me Click Me and TURN YOUR SPEAKERS ON!

You just can NOT leave my blog without clicking on the above link. mmm'kay? Happy Easter ya'll!
posted by Norman at 8:29 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Thursday, April 13, 2006
What in the world...(Ghost Post!)
My husband ran to Wally World for a little bit tonight, and I stayed with the kids since they were in bed. I was farting around on the 'net, when I heard the ....tiff tiff tiff... sound that freaks me out so very badly. I always hear that noise when I'm by myself. Sounds exactly like someone is walking up behind me. I'm also always very scared to whirl around and see who it is, because (a) I don't think I really want to know who it is and(b) what if I need to go to the bathroom when I whirl around and then OOPSIE.....

But I whirled around anyway and of course no one was there. So I chalked it up to me being a big old baby and kept playing Bejewled 2. I was ITCHING to turn around because it was just so eerie after hearing that noise. I finally worked up he nerve the next time I heard it, and spun around in the chair. Nuthin'. Of course. But I still couldn't stop the goosebumps. I reached over and turned the tv up louder so I wouldn't hear it. Then a hand touched my shoulder. I almost pooped myself. But it was Ashton. She had something to tell me. So once I peeled myself off the ceiling, I was ready to listen to her. "Mommy - it sounds like someone is walking into my room. Everytime I close my eyes I can hear it, but no one is there."

"OH!! HAHAAA!! YOU SILLY THING! OF COURSE THERE IS NOTHING WALKING AROUND IN YOUR ROOM... YOU MUST BE IMAGINING THINGS" I'm wondering if she can tell I'm lying. But she kept insisting that someone was walking around in her room. So we went to go check it out. We looked under the bed, and in the closet. All the normal places. I put her back in her bed and shut off the light. Ethan began calling me. "Mommy... that man went into my closet again. Make him leave."

I wish I could............
posted by Norman at 8:35 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
I survived the night without my husband, and he is on the way home as I type this! No ghostly visits, AND I even turned the lights out to go to bed!!

I did, however, sneak my 7 year old into the bed with me, so technically... I wasn't by myself!! It seemed to help!

and.. and... and... HE JUST GOT HOME!! YAY!! I'M SAFE!

LOL. You guys have no idea just how big of a weenie I really am. When I tell people that I'm scared to be home alone, their typical response is "So get a security system" or "Make sure your doors are locked!" oh. sure.

Little do they know that I'm not scared of burglers. In fact, should someone try to break into the house, I would welcome them in with open arms. As long as I'm not alone - I'd party with a serial killer. Really.

But he's home now, and I'm so very happy. He's got to go back next week to discuss the money thing, but he seems to be really enthused.... wish us luck!
posted by Norman at 8:49 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Two-fer Tuesday
Sorry guys. I rarely raise 'hot-topics' on this board, since I like to keep it light-hearted... but I just couldn't pass this one up...

I'm sure I'll take some shots for this, but hey - it's my opinion!!

I got this over e-mail. Had to share!

In response to the "Not a Penny" Day where immigrants are asked not to spend a single cent on Monday to show the effect and importance of the immigrant on the economy. The message: "Don't buy gas, don't go to Wal Mart, don't go to lunch."

I would encourage all the hard working, tax paying, law abiding Americans, inlcuding those American citizens who became citizens by following the rules, to counter with our own "Not a Penny" Day, where we ask all Americans to NOT SPEND A PENNY ON AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT. Our message: "Don't let their children attend our schools, don't feed their children free breakfast and lunch, don't give them and their children free medical care, etc." Because, it works both ways. They can shout "We built everything." We can shout right back that maybe they have, but they didn't pay their fair share while they did it. All of us tax paying Americans pay for the illegal immigrant's assistance in many forms, including educating their children and providing some of the best medical care in the world. Illegal immigrants receive a whole lot more public funded assistance then I EVER have as a tax paying citizen. And finally, while you march in our streets under the protection of our civil rights to free speech and freedom of expression - wave the AMERICAN flag!

OK. Now I realize that this e-mail probably went out to everyone and their dog on Sunday or Monday, but I just now got it, read it and liked it. I was cruising around the blogosphere tonight, and one persons comment jumped out to me. "THE KEY WORD HERE IS 'ILLEGAL'" I don't have a problem so much with the people that immigrate here, and take steps to become LEGAL. Not at all. My grandparents were immigrants. They became American citizens LEGALLY by following the process!

Actually - today I was listening to Michael Medved, and he of course was discussing this topic. A person called in to offer their viewpoint, for the illegal immigrant side. She was calling from Dallas, and after a bit of confusion as to whether or not she was on the air, she began her comment:

Illegal person (IP): Hi. I'm 26. I've lived in Dallas, TX for like, 25 years and just got ordered back to Mexico on March 10.

Medved Show: But you're still here?

IP: Yeah.

Medved show: So now you're 'illegal'

IP: Yeah. And I would just like to say that I've been here since I was 9 months old. I've never lived in Mexico.

Medved Show: Ok. So what do you do?

IP: I'm a stay-at-home mom.

Medved Show: Sure, what does your husband do?

IP: Uh. I'm not married

Medved Show: So how do you support your child or children?

IP: [stammers] child support from their father....

Medved Show: OK. So you're here illegally, and you rely on child support. I don't really think you're helping your cause... but thanks for calling!! *click*

And that really happened on the show! Now - I really DO understand the point she was trying to make. For all intents and purposes, she believes she is an American citizen, because she was raised here, and has never lived in Mexico. Deporting her to Mexico now, at age 26, would be like plopping HER in a foreign country. I understand. But what I don't understand is why she never took steps to become a bona fide citizen? It's not like she didn't know she wasn't... And why didn't she take part of the amnesty when it was offered?? Why? Why are illegal immigrants acting as if we've never given them a freaking chance? Yes - this is the Land of Opportunity, but YOU have to make the Opportunity happen...and that means following our rules and regulations pertaining to obtaining citizenship.

OK. I'll get off my soapbox now.
posted by Norman at 9:16 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
I'm watching "Deal or No Deal". You guys watch this show? Yeah?? Well... I'VE APPLIED! Sent in a video, sent in my app.. all the stuff they say to. I'll keep ya posted!

But the show I saw tonight was great. The guy had two larger amounts left on the board, and two smaller amounts. His wife and daughter were in the crowd, and at the very beginning, he said that IF he won, his daughter wanted a pony. So he was playing for pony money. Well - it came down to the wire, and they offered him a 'deal'. $44,000 and a PONY! They brought that pony in, and the camera cut to his daughter's face. Absolutely priceless. What father could resist that deal? He didn't! He accepted that deal. And the amount in his case? $200,000.

I think he made a great deal.

My husband is gone. He's down in San Antonio, TX discussing his job opportunity. This means I'm by myself... no adults around - and I'm fah-reaking out! I really hate being alone. Oh sure - my kids are here, but they're asleep. Besides - what are they going to do if the ghost shows up? They're going to look to ME for help & guidance! YIKES!! So my goal right now is to stay awake as long as possible before having to bow down to sleep deprivation and turn all the lights in the house off.

i'm skeered

posted by Norman at 8:38 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Monday, April 10, 2006
It's a miracle
Someguy101 has updated his blog... it's been at least a MONTH, so maybe he's on a roll. He's also graced us with his picture. Yes, all you females out there... that's my husband. Stand back - he's ALL MINE. *sobs hysterically*

My pink eye is somewhat better. It's no longer pink. Now it's just swollen. So now I've only got Popeye Eye. I feel like eating spinach...

Sorry for the brief post, but my husband and I have a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING DECISION to make. No - I'm not pregnant, but it involves moving. To a different town. And me quitting an awesome job. Scary stuff like that.

He's leaving tomorrow to go scope out this opportunity. I must say that moving to the town where I grew up would be FANTASTIC... but (and there's always a but), I sure would hate to give up my job. AND - there's no friggin' way I'd find a job in the new town where I'd be doing what I do here, and making what I make here. I told him that this new opportunity better come through with the cashola if we're going to move. And how.

As with any decision - there's pros and cons. But I'm going to try to reason it out OFF the blog so as not to bore you.

So I'll leave you with this:

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. The maintenance man took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
posted by Norman at 7:50 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Sunday, April 09, 2006
stupid stupid STUPID

What in God's name possessed me to buy a LOFT bed for my 4 year old son??!!! WHAT made me think that a ladder up one side, with a slide down the other would be a good idea for the child that thinks he is bionic and can leap over things by merely flexing his toes?? WHAT WAS I THINKING??

Not only that. I forgot that the 16 month old is part-monkey and her one mission in life is to climb UP. Doesn't matter what she's trying to climb. Her goal in life is to go UP.

I walked into Ethan's room tonight after we had assembled the indoor jungle gym, to see the baby traipsing up the slide, chortling happily. I got there just as she fell ass over teakettle and managed to stop her right before she clonked her head on the iron bed rails of the now-defunct normal bed. (which were on the floor waiting to be moved to the garage)

I could be the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD, and tell the people that we got the bed from that it's just not going to work out, and please take it back.... but Ethan is waaaaaaay to in love with his new bed to do that.

Why do I do these things that will just complicate our lives?!! Case in point: "Oh!!! Look hunny!! Cute little puppies!! Let's get one for Ashton... she wants one so bad!" So we got her a puppy for her 5th birthday, which just set the wheels of bad karma in motion. Since we got HER a puppy, we decided after about a year that the puppy was lonely and got ETHAN a beagle boy puppy. Then recently - since we got the OLDER two kids a puppy, we couldn't let Avery feel slighted, and we got her a beagle GIRL puppy. Did we get either of the beagles fixed?? NoooOOoOooOoooooooo!!! Again - my bad idea. I thought "Gee - wouldn't it be neat to have beagle puppies and SELL them?!" So. Now. How the hell am I supposed to let the girl puppy go through one heat cycle without getting jumped by the boy beagle?! I APPARENTLY DID NOT THINK THIS ONE THROUGH EITHER! Because of my "great idea", we've now had to fence in our side yard to isolate the dogs once she goes on the rag. BUT! We bring the dogs in at night (still cold outside at night here)... Our boy beagle is going to go FREAKING INSANE when she's kenneled next to him all night long. So now we'll probably have to separate the kennels across the house, but I think I already know what's going to happen... they'll howl all night long, trying to set up midnight doggy booty calls . Shit.

OK. I'm obviously in a Down-With-Norman mood... I'm going to go find something else to kick myself in the ass with now....

posted by Norman at 8:03 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Saturday, April 08, 2006
I've got PINK EYE!

How'd I get this?? My kids don't have one else I know has it. How'd I get it?? HUH?? PINK EYE! It HURTS!!!

So - forgive me for a quick mommy-blog moment - but check this picture of my daughter out:

Here's the before and after pictures. That HAD to have hurt...

So what do I do with Pink Eye? Does it just go away or what? None of my kids have ever had it before. So I don't know what to do!!! It was so gross, this morning my eye was sealed shut, and I had to put a warm washcloth on it to get it open. And it's all swollen. I look like Popeye. And now my OTHER eye is starting to hurt as well. But hey - that's an excuse... huh? I can call my boss Monday morning and say - "Sorry! I can't open my eyes so I won't be in today!" ow ow ow... HELP ME!!

posted by Norman at 8:36 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Friday, April 07, 2006
Home again home again jiggity jog
And Jiggity Jog it was coming back tonight!! I arrived in Amarillo, welcomed by 45 mph winds. For some reason, American Airlines loves to fly anyone coming to Amarillo in one of those "Eagles". I think it's also known as a crop duster. So we were pretty much blown all over the sky. I kept spilling my beer on the approach, so I knew the turbulence was pretty bad.

I had a GREAT time in Washington!! Work went AWESOME, and I got some kudos from one of the big BIG dogs at our Headquarters. Me being the smart person that I am - made sure that I told my boss about the 'notice' that I received. YEA!! I'm really hoping that recognition kicks in around raise time...

For fun - I got to see my brother, get a behind the scenes tour of the Pentagon.. (I peeked in the offices of the Secretary of Army!!)

ANNNNDDD... for even MORE fun I got to go play in downtown DC with Freak and Stewie (Stewie even gave his viewpoint of how the evening went... WITH pictures).

I took some pictures myself... which I would like to share!!

Here's Freak. I told her that she needed to give me her best 'Freak Face' and here's what we got.

(Actually - this is what she looked like after 2 "Alberto Make Me Cream!" drinks. )

Alberto Make Me Cream is a made up drink. For awhile we didn't even know what was in it, but I harrassed the bartender enough that he finally gave in and slipped the recipe to us. I told him if we came up with a good name for it, we should get "rights" to the secret recipe. Which Freak has under lock & key now....

Here are Stewie and Mystery Man. I think I freaked Stewie out, because apparently he thinks I'm Wise. HAHAHAHAA!! Fooled another one! Actually - this look on his face is "Shit!!! How many strangers is Norman going to talk to tonight??!!" Stewie also told me that I have apparently broken the cardinal rule of the Metro station by NOT keeping my yap shut on the train.

sheesh. I like to talk.....

Mystery Man is sitting next to Stewie. I would tell you his REAL name, but then he'd find you and kill you. Please note the strategic use of phlange placement to obscure his facial features....

Here's the group shot of Nicki, myself and Stewie. Please note the margarita sitting in front of me!! Seconds before this shot, Nicki and I were stroking each other's leg (thus explaining Stewie's hope that some lesbian action would happen on the table...) This ALSO explains why Stewie's tongue is hanging out of his mouth.

Nicki has promised me a stripper club next time I'm in the area... and I think that sounds SUPER!! I'm going to have to figure out another boondoggle to the area sometime soon!

I had some fun in the Metro on my way home. I got the crazy guy in the seat in front of me to sing along to "John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmitz!!" I would sing the first part - then he would burst out with LA LA LA LA LA LA !! I don't think Washington Metro riders knew what to make of that... but it was fun!

But I had a blast!! Thank you again Nicki, Stewie and Mystery Man! You guys were a HOOOT!! I'm hoping to convince the Baltimore Bunch to come visit me sometime. I'll show them what TEXAS is all about!!

posted by Norman at 7:51 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Sunday, April 02, 2006
OK... just one more before I leave
I couldn't do it. I just couldn't leave without ONE MORE POST!!

Have you ever wondered what some people in a small town are like? Here's an example:

Scene: Taco Bueno on a Saturday afternoon.

The husband & I were very hungry after an afternoon of furniture moving, taping & painting. So we decided to run up to the closest Taco store and get some munchies. I drove up to the drive thru window and began to peruse the menu sign. crackle crackle take your order? crackle crackle pop.

Me: Don't you guys have Bean & Cheese tacos?

Taco Dude: No

Me: Really? You don't have bean & cheese tacos? Cause that's what I want....

Taco Dude: No. But you can order a beef taco.

Me: I don't want a beef taco. I want a bean & cheese taco. Do you have bean & cheese burritos?

Taco Dude: No. If you really want a bean & cheese taco you can order a beef taco minus the beef, add beans and ask for extra cheese.

Me: So wouldn't that be a bean & cheese taco?

Taco Dude: No. It's a beef taco without beef with beans & cheese added.

Me: Ok. I want a bean & cheese taco.

Taco Dude: We don't have those

Me: I want a beef taco with no beef but would you put some beans in there instead & add cheese?

Taco Dude: Sure. I can do that.

Me: Can I call it a bean & cheese taco?

Taco Dude: You can call it whatever you want after you pay for it.

Me: Thanks. Yer a pal

Taco Dude: Anything else?

Me: Yeah. I want a chicken fajita without chicken but add beef

Taco Dude: So would you like a beef fajita then?

Me: No. I want a chicken fajita, minus the chicken and add beef instead.

Taco Dude: Are you trying to be cute?

Me: Do you have chicken fajitas?

Taco Dude: Yeah........

Me: Can you add beef to it instead?

Taco Dude: Whatever... yeah....

Me: So that's what I want.

Taco Dude: yeah... ok. Pull through

And that's about when my husband went insane. Apparently sometimes I really drive him crazy.

Now how can you live in Texas and not sell bean & cheese tacos? My Austin readers will KNOW exactly what I'm talking about. Bean & Cheese tacos are like a staple or something. I used to LIVE for Taco Cabana's Bean & Cheesers!! There used to be a Taco Cabana here, but it shut down. I was so sad. Anyway. I got my Taco Bueno beef taco minus the beef, add beans & cheese, but they goofed it up anyway. Apparently - I forgot to tell them that it was supposed to be a SOFT TACO. So I got a crunchy one. Oh well. I'll know how to order next time I go there.

OK!! Now I'm REALLY gone until next Friday or Saturday! Who's gonna miss me?!
posted by Norman at 8:13 PM | Permalink | 17 comments
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Busy Weekend
Yup. It's a busy weekend for me. My husband is taking my kids to the in-laws as I type this. When he gets back, here is our agenda for the day.

Put up a fence in the side yard
Plant Honeysuckle in front of the fence (Honeysnuggle, according to our kids)
Paint the back room with Kilz and new Mossy green color (no more ugly maroon!! YEAH!)
Plant new Hydrangea bushes and pansies and bluebonnets in our front yard (awwww... pretty!)
Do laundry
Pack for my business trip

OH!! I hope this isn't a secret, 'cause I'm excited about it, but I'll be gone all next week. No posts from me after Sunday until next weekend. BUT!! Guess who I'll get to meet! Freak Magnet and Stewie (maybe... he might be too busy WORKING lolololol). We've made plans to get drunk meet at some bar in DC. Providing I find the bar that is. So far, I'm supposed to take either the Red Line, the Blue Line, the Green Line, Purple, Pink, Chartreuse, ANYTHING but the Yellow Line. I think. The good news is that I have phone numbers so if I get lost I can call Freak to guide me in the right direction.

So, seeing how I will be astronomically busy today, and probably tomorrow, this might very well be my last post for the week ahead. Or maybe not.

But you guys have a great weekend, have a great week next week, and just know that sometime next week - I'll be drinking margaritas or bloody mary's with some blogging friends!

posted by Norman at 8:25 AM | Permalink | 9 comments
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