Sunday, June 24, 2007

I haven't quite answered any of my comments below, but I'll get to it in a bit. For now, I'm freaking out because my best friend made the front page of the Amarillo newspaper.

In fact, it deals with my old work, AND I'm directly involved in the whole story. I'm not mentioned, but he told me that the reporters might be calling me for my side of the whole thingie.

Looks like I got out at a good time!!

Damn Sam.

And speaking of Sam, did ya'll notice that Sam I Am commented on my last post!? HI SAM I AM YOU HOT STUD YOU!!! Congrats on 24!

posted by Norman at 10:23 AM | Permalink | 8 comments
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
It's 1:49am and I'm WIDE AWAKE
It was probably the little cockroach that I saw crawling across my rug earlier. I've lived here 5 years. This is the SECOND COCKROACH EVER in this house. Plenty of spiders...but cockroaches? Nope. Blech. I'd better get re-used to it...I'm moving away to the Roach Capital of the USA. I jumped on it. Damn thing didn't die. It just ran in a circle so I jumped on it again. I can still see one of its legs wiggling. Whatever. It hyped me out and now I'm awake. So I decided to BLOG AGAIN, but this time about my little excursion today.

So you guys all know that I'm moving. Being the cheapskate frugal person that I am, I went to several storage places today in search of cheap boxes. HA. I say HA! and HA! again. There is no such thing as cheap boxes. Now - I remembered one storage place that was advertising moving boxes at .25 cents each. BONUS! So I went over to that storage place. I walked into the place...and the fight was on.

First - I asked for used they sell them? Well - apparently, this little question pissed the lady right off, and also apparently - she was the OWNER of the joint. "We don't sell USED boxes." she stated. She looked like someone was holding a turd under her nose while she said this. I said - "Fine! What about the boxes that you were advertising on TV for 25 cents?" "Well - we DO have those...but there is a limit of 3 per person."

That frickin' commercial on TV said NOTHING about only 3 per person but...ok - I was there, I'd get my boxes. "That's fine. I'll take three" "Ok - where's your coupon?" "My coupon?! What coupon?!" I watched the lady. She rolled her eyes. Counted to 3, felt that 3 wasn't high enough and counted again. Then she sighed, like this: *SSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHH!!!* and informed me that I could find the coupons in the back of the telephone book. "Your commercial didn't say ANYTHING about a required coupon, OR a limit of 3 per person." I stated flatly. "Well - that's the rules and that's the way we do things around here."

So fine. I'll play her little game. I went home, and found the stupid coupon in the phone book. I also found a coupon for packing tape in a "2 rolls for $1" special, and TWO coupons for the three box special. Then I went to my parents house and raided their phone books for additional coupons. You see....there are three of these specific storage places in town, and the coupon BLATANTLY said - "Good at any location".

And a' shopping I did go. I figured I'd save her location for last.

But alas...luck was NOT on my side. First - I had my eldest daughter, Ashy with me. I like to call her the Informer. We walked into the first storage store, and picked up our three moving boxes, and two rolls of tape. The grand total of this purchase was $1.89. COOL! I tried to convince the guy behind the counter to let me use more than one coupon, but he said: " mom's kinda strict about the one coupon per customer thing." (DING DING DING...bells are going off in my head.) "Your mother?" I asked "Yeah..she runs the one over on Western. I run this one, and my sister runs the one on Hardy." "Hey mommy!! That means his mom is that grouchy lady at the other store!!" chirped Ashy. "Ummm...yeah - I think I met your Mom." I said. "Oh. And she was grouchy?" he asked. "Well - yeah. I didn't have a coupon". "Oh - that's bad news," he shook his head solemnly. "She's BIG into coupons...." "Oh! Well - thanks for the boxes bye!" and we left.

We went to the storage place on Hardy, but apparently Sis was out to lunch. So we went back across town to the original storage place where I'd been shooed out boxless. But THIS time, I had my coupon. I bopped into the shop, where MAMA met me head-on. "You already got your three boxes for today, so you'll just have to leave. You can't get any more." "WHAT?! " I yelled, "This does NOT say only 3 PER DAY. It says 3 per CUSTOMER, and I'm just now walking in." "Yes well, it's PER DAY, and I know that you already got three boxes. You'll just have to go." And she smiled at me all smug as if she knew she'd won or something. Which she did NOT.

Instead of going off on her, and telling her what I REALLY think...because my child was standing there...I looked at Ashy, smiled and said "My!! She really IS a grouchy old lady, huh? Let's go sweetie!" and we left.

But I'm not done!! You see...I have friends!! And Family! And they were all ready to play my game!

I explained the whole situation to them, and passed out my little coupons. Some of them even went and clipped their OWN coupons out of their own phone books. My dad went first. He's retired, so this was a lot of fun for him. According to him, he walked in, and selected three boxes, then handed over his coupon and paid for them. Then he looked at the lady as she wished him a good day, and said "You know what? I heard you were GROUCHY!" and then he left. Then my best friend went over about 3 hours later. She got some boxes, handed over her coupon and told the lady that she'd heard she was GROUCHY. Meanwhile, my sister-in-law was the OTHER storage place buying boxes, and informed the guy there that she'd heard his mother was GROUCHY! My mom went to visit the sister, who'd not been involved in the original discussion - but was told that her mother was grouchy as well.

We had so much fun. I've got 27 BOXES in my garage...that cost me 25 cents each. And TOMORROW? I'm going to go in and ever so sweetly ask for my 3 boxes since it's a different day......
posted by Norman at 11:39 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Answers and more answers!

I'm talking a break from my packing to answer your questions! And then I've gotta get back to packing and some laundry...

Talula - the person who led me to my newest Online Right Now Display asks:

Did you ever find that sun spider? And don't think I forgot about him either. Packing is a scary thing for me right now. It's only a matter of time before he pops out from under something and makes me crap my pants.

Teri - wants to know..

How often do I really have ghost activity?

Ok. Well - that depends on what you call ghost activity. Since I stopped writing about it, and talking about it so much, the "incidents" have seemed to calm down. I took to heart a lot of the comments that said "ignore it". Also - some people directed me to some really wacky websites that involved tinfoil on my head at night, but they all said discussing it gives it energy. So to try this little experiment out- I stopped blogging and talking about it. I did NOT try the tinfoil. But it seems to have helped the *really* scary things.

But on the simple side, I hear footsteps almost every night. This is super scary for me since my husband is not here to help me out. And I'll admit to self-medicating myself at night with a glass of wine and two "simply sleeps" by Tylenol. For the past two days, the footsteps have been louder. Maybe it's all the activity from packing.

But by the way - I'm getting freaked out by writing this so maybe there'll be a ghost post later on because after all --- I'm talking about it right now - aren't I? PRAY FOR ME!!

Lisa is being uber-nosey and wants to know:

What really happened in Vegas?

Well, aside from losing our tax refund, my husband got propositioned by a prostitute....and he didn't figure it out until I chased her away. I went to the bathroom and my husband was waiting outside for me. While he was waiting, he said this cute girl just sat down next to him and started talking to him. He said she was asking stuff like "Are you here with your friends or a girlfriend?" so he said "Nahhh... I'm here with my wife" so then she sat there for a second and asked if he wanted to go upstairs with her for a minute. While he puzzled that one out - she said she'd have him back downstairs before I even knew he was gone. I don't think she realized I was in the bathroom. Then I came out and interrupted the little pick up game. She looked at me, and said to him: "You didn't tell me your wife looked like THAT! See ya guy!" and walked off. So because I'd been drinking all day - I decided to follow her. Meanwhile - my husband put two and two together...came up with 4 and decided to run after me. The bouncers made her leave, and made me go upstairs because apparently - my yelling was causing a disruption. I also made friends with some really fun guys from the UK. I liked them because they sounded like Austin Powers, and they liked me because they thought I had a fun accent. I told them I don't have an accent THEY had the accent. So we argued about that for a bit. Then they all kissed me and went away. I started losing at roulette after they left so I was pissed off and left. Vegas ROCKS!

Traca seems to be begging for ghost posts. But I CAN'T DO IT YET!! I've got one more night here by myself.... just patient! ( my response to Teri....)

Michael didn't even ask me a question!! What's up with that!?

Freak Magnet is wimping out of her serious question with this:

How do I like to be stalked - obviously or covertly?

Well - Obviously, it's obviously. I like the obvious so I can mess with the stalker. But then... you knew that didn't you?

and Leonesse tripped out and ran away.

OK!! I've got to get back to my packing now...and my endless search for the lone Sun Spider. If anyone is inspired by my questions - feel free to ask more and I'll try to answer tomorrow!!

posted by Norman at 8:42 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Thanks Talula!!

Everyone like my new little widget? I think I only get it free until July. Then I need to search for a new one.

So while I'm online basking in my eternal popularity (read: cricket chirping), I wanted to update my blog with a REALLY COOL AND FUN POST.

Sadly - the moment escapes me. I'm always in awe of people that keep their blogs fun and upbeat with hilarious posts, compelling the reader to come back for more more MORE! How in the world do ya'll do it?!

The only thing that's rumbling around my little brain right now are the words that I believe my husband spoke five years ago when we were in the process of moving into the house that I'm now frantically trying to pack up. I believe the words were:

"We are never moving again. Ever. We will die here before I even THINK about moving again."

So I guess one of us has died. But it can't be me...because I'm the one stuck packing up the house. Dammit!! And my husband is still alive because he just called me and told me that he really wished he could be here helping me pack. A more insincere comment I've never heard before. Jackass.

So since I have nothing funny to blog, I'm going to put the onus on YOU, the reader. I've done this before in the past, and it was kinda let's try it again.

Ask me a question. Any question...I'll answer it - no matter how big or small, however deep or shallow you wanna be. This is for you. I'm game!! Are you?! Leave your answer in the comments. I'll come back and post the answers tomorrow.

And I think I begged this once before in the past as well. Don't make me look like an asshole and not post a question!!!

Thank you. See you tomorrow!

posted by Norman at 8:38 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Monday, June 18, 2007
Who's with Stupid?
I was getting my nails done today. I so love getting my nails done. My nail person has been doing my nails for the last 12 years. I don't really have a set appointment time, she just calls me, tells me to bring beer and we'll get'er done. It works for us...we're in Texas.

But today was kind of funny. I felt like I was in a gigantic black hole. Something...somewhere was FIXIN' TO implode. (you gotta be in Texas to understand the FIXIN TO thingie)

I was getting my nails done (I know I already said that. Shut up.) When the person after me showed up just a wee bit early. She was dropped off by a big ol' F350 by her man, yelled something at him, hit the tailgate as she walked off and strolled in. "Hey Donna!" yelled Steph (my nail chicky) "How the hell was Vegas?"

Donna plopped down in a chair, kicked off her flip flop and began removing her toenail polish. "It'd have been more fun if I wasn't with Stupid." "Stupid? Is that your husband?" I asked.

Now let's stop here. If you don't hang out in a nail shop listening to the stories, it's like walking in on a soap opera where you have to keep asking why the star is crying over two socks in the middle of the floor..... ok? So - I'm obviously walking in on a story that began loooooong ago. Conversly, this chick KNOWS that I'm moving, and she also knows everything else about me. You know that feeling that you get when you think that people talk about you? Yeah....I'm thinking I was right on for being paranoid all these years.

"Stupid is a friend of mine. She's about as white trash as you can get. Chuck is my husband. He's stupid too, but he's not Stupid. Stupid's can get the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't pull the trailer park outta the girl....did you sell your house yet? When do you leave?"

See what I mean?

But wait. Let's look at Donna. She just called her FRIEND that she went to VEGAS with ..."white trash". She says this while she's wearing cut off jeans that are way too short and define a very pronounced camel toe. She's also wearing a brown tank top that's very tight, and I remember seeing the thing hanging in WalMart last week for $3.99... full price. It shows off a generous muffin top and two slightly dirty bra straps that are in no way hidden by the tank top top. While she's talking, she's picking at her toenails, with one leg sprawled out and the other propped up on the edge of the chair. Her multi-color hair is spikey and sticking up all over the place.

But Stupid is the white trash girl.

"Norman - get us some beers!! I wanna hear about Stupid!" Stephie propped her hand up on her chin.

"Oh! Yeah! You will not believe what she did. We were going to Gallagher's at the New York New York and we decided to dress up. So I wore my torn t-shirt with the neck ripped out and the cleavage that showed me to here" (points between and slightly below her boobs). I wore my tight jeans and heels. I looked HOT. Stupid was wearing shorts and tennies...but went upstairs to change. I was like...THANK GOD, but then she came back down and she was wearing white pants, a red ruffle top and a big red bow in her hair. She looked like a friggin' white trash cheerleader!! Damn it! This beer's warm. What the FUCK is wrong with your fridge!!" Gets up, kicks the hell out of it, and sits down with both legs stretched out, bare foot.

And this whole time, all I could do was stare at her. In disbelief. Now you see - I live in Texas and all, but DAMMIT!! I know what a sorbet palate cleanser is, and what it's for. I also know to dress accordingly and to use the silverware from the outside in. AND I know that the fork at the top of the plate is to be used last.

I enjoy restaurants with real cloth tablecloths and will not eat there if they have a sheet of glass covering said cloth tablecloths.

So PLEASE PEOPLE!! I saw this today, and I wanted to tell you....please believe that not all Texans are like this!!

We usually pick our toes in private.
posted by Norman at 8:46 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Ok, so I'm sad...blah blah blah: Get over myself.

So what's new? Some of you might have suspected that I have a CONTRACT on my house!


It was kinda cool how it happened, the agent let the people who were offering know that there were actually TWO offers on our house (which there were). So the people offered us OVER what we were asking for, and deposited a lot of earnest money.

We took the offer. I have the feeling that they just *really* want our house. The only bad thing is that they JUST listed their house and have no contract on theirs. They have until August 15th to buy ours.

Since the close date is so far away - they stand a chance of losing our house if someone else offers on it.

And today we had an open house. We had two people really look it over, and one guy asked us how soon we would be able to move out. He also asked us if we would be coming down on our purchase price. At that point I told him that "No, we wouldn't be coming off the price" and that we already had a contract...just that the close date was kind of far away. I think he's going to try to bump out our current contract.


****and all you techno blog geeks out there: I'm looking for a little thingie that will tell me how many people are reading my blog IN REAL TIME. You know - in the side bar that when I click in it will say "4 people are online reading your blog". I used to have one but it evaporated. I've tried looking for others but all I keep finding are counters. I don't want a counter. I want a real time who's on RIGHT NOW thingie. I want to put it in my sidebar because I need to prove to myself that the world does in fact REVOLVE AROUND ME.

Anyone have any suggestions?
posted by Norman at 8:10 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Friday, June 15, 2007
Blue Sadness
Well. That's it then. I have worked my last day at what was in all probability the coolest job I will have ever had.

I'm terribly sad.

I made it through the day without crying - which is by no means a small accomplishment. I was given a small party in my office, and people wandered in and out of my office for 2 hours. My boss gave me an awesome statue of an American Eagle with it's talons outstretched, engraved with my name, a thank-you for my contributions and my hire date and termination date on the mahogany base. Then they took me out to lunch (which, since town is 40 miles away, is a big deal). I never cried.

The crying started the minute the door to my building clumped shut behind me. The girl that is my replacement was walking with me and I just melted. The one phrase I could say was "I didn't want to leave" and the bawling began. I don't think she knew what to do with me. I'm normally a bright happy cheery person.

Tears are terrible to see on a bright happy cheery person. It seems to put people at a loss. So rather than make her uncomfortable, I made the walk to my car in record time.

I managed to regain control of myself before I got to our access control building, and walked in. I finalized my employment papers, left a forwarding address for my final paycheck with our benefits department, and surrendered my badge.

And THAT my friends - was the hardest thing in the world. For those of you "in the know" about me, that badge was my life. It was hard to achieve that badge, a booger to maintain that badge, and shattering to discard it.

I can no longer go to my ex-workplace. I can't just pop in to say "Hi" to friends. I'll have to rely on luck and chances if I ever want to see those people that I just spent the last 8 years with ever again.

Good bye Pantex. I really was proud to be there.
posted by Norman at 8:01 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Oh the way-yating is the hard..est....parrrrrrt!!
oooooooooo I hate waiting!! I hate it! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HATE WAITING!?

I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Do you get the feeling that I hate waiting?

I've got TWO offers on my house. The first offer is for full asking price...but the closing date isn't until August 15th (TWO FRICKIN' MONTHS!!) and the people don't even have a contract on their house fact - they just listed it today. I drove by their house. It's ok. Nothing earth shaking, but it doesn't have a whole lot of "curb appeal". So it might take awhile to sell their house. It's also right across the street from the elementary school, so that could either be a big old plus or a hell of a minus. It just depends.

However - my realtor just called and said that he's got another agent bringing him another offer on my house in the morning. Now - we don't know what the offer price is - but we DO know that the people prepared to offer on it already have a contract on THEIR house. So - if they can close sooner, and if the offer is enough - we just might go for the second offer. But I'm having a hard time waiting for morning to arrive and for my realtor to receive the offer so I can make a decision.


So - send good luck vibes for the second offer to be good so that I can be done with this ghostly spider fun house and start looking for a lovely house in San Antonio that may or may not be infested with super-large cockroaches.

Gawd I hate bugs. Any house in San Antonio I buy (and here is a DECREE BY NORMAN) shall be bug-bombed at least 3 times before I move my crap in there. Amen.
posted by Norman at 7:33 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Something you should already know:

So let's not talk about the behemoth that was in my bathroom sink last night.

Let's not.

Let me give you something else to think about.

My lovely husband, deciding to edu-macate my kiddos found a bug.

Not just any bug -- a spider. And not just ANY spider -- A sun spider to be exact.

Norman - what is a sun spider, you ask.

Bloggers, I give you this:

THAT is a sun spider. Nasty piece of work it is. Icky Icky Poop. I can't like it. But, my man brought it home and placed it in a little cage so our offspring could admire this this...thing.
Did I mention he put it in a cage? Yep. A nice little sturdy wire cage with a couple of twigs in it. Can't have the sun spider getting bored or anything. Give it a couple of twigs to climb on..keep it happy... yadda yadda yadda...
The kids insisted on watching it, and begged us to keep it until the next morning before setting it free. I actually opted to squish the damn thing after they left, but nope. My man wanted to set it free. I told him that if he was going to set it free, it must be released no less than 10 miles away.
The next morning, we got up and Ethan trotted in to the back room to see "Freddy" (don't ask. I still haven't figured out the Norman moniker yet)
That's such a chilling phrase to hear first thing in the morning. I looked at the cage. Yep. Freddy is gone. But not just...gone. Freddy has CHEWED HIS WAY OUT OF WIRE MESH AND IS SOMEWHERE IN MY HOUSE.
posted by Norman at 8:27 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Norman: Does not play well with others
"Does not play well with others"

I saw that on a t-shirt the other day and decided that I must have it.

Anyone wanna buy it for me?

See, I'm in an Ultra-Pissy mood. We just got an offer on our house. Well - I use the term "offer" lightly here. It was downright insulting. If I may be so blunt as to post some stats on my house....I will!

We are selling our house for $169,900. That's REDUCED from our original price of $175K. We had to reduce it because of some stupid thing called a housing bubble or some other nonsense like that.

Now - I know you guys over in Virginia are choking on your tongues (and even some of you California peeps as well)... but hey - houses are cheap like this in Texas. However - this is Amarillo, and I've always been surprised that housing is so expensive in this town. But yep...that's a pretty penny for a house here. (For of my friends that live in Wash. DC came and looked at it, and said that this same house in DC would go for $400K....easy)

We got an offer today for $160K. That's TERRIBLE! There are 6 other houses for sale on our block alone. We're the largest one, and the others are all asking anywhere from $190K to $250K. The only difference with our house and theirs is we do NOT have granite countertops in our kitchen. Otherwise, they are all asking a full $10 more per square foot than we are.

So because this is a small town, we found out pretty quickly that the people who want to steal our house from us at that price are downsizing from their current 3500sq ft house (we have 2300 sq feet) and have lived at their current house for 20 years.

They would be able to pay us CASH for our house with what they are offering us. They think they can low-ball us!!! PISSES ME OFF!

So I called the realtor and made a counter offer. I offered to LET them purchase it from me for $175,000 - my original asking price.

I don't think we'll have sold the house then.

Sucks to be me right now. Hey!! Here's a thought! You think I can send the ol' Magical Hippopotamus over to their house for a visit!?
posted by Norman at 12:15 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Just a weird thing...
Have you ever just been desperate to make your toddler behave? I mean - by pulling out threats of "SANTA CLAUS CAN SEE YOU ACTING THIS WAY!!"

Well frankly, even a two year old knows that Santa doesn't care what the hell-ee-oo you are doing in the beginning of June. I mean...come ON. So then you try to devise other threats, threats that you HOPE will stick them. Things like "Young lady, do you want a spanking?" clearly does not faze her because she'll calmly turn around and stick her butt towards me. If I put her in Time Out, she stands in the chair and sings "DORA DORA DORA THE EXPLORER!!!" until the timer tells her it's time to be free from the time out chair. She is truly becoming incorrigible, and I dare say even SuperNanny would be stalemated.

So this threat that I pulled out of thin air the other day was extremely surprising and unexpected. Actually, it was pure desperation, but dammit! It worked! And it is still working.

I love the day I stumbled upon....the Magical Hippopotamus.

After a particularly trying day of screeching at Avery to behave (which would have been this last Saturday) I created him. Grabbing Avery by both arms and turning her to face me, I told her she MUST STOP her bad behavior or else THE MAGICAL HIPPOPOTAMUS would arrive and bite her toe. So she just HAD to behave...she just HAD to because Mommy really really did not want the Magical Hippopotamus to show up since he was so very mean.

Oh my God.

It was pure bliss. I don't know if it was the look on my face or the idea of a Hippopotamus (and a MAGICAL one at that) biting her toe, but my child became a perfect angel.

I no longer have problems with getting her to eat. All I have to say is "You'd better eat or the Magical Hippopotamus will be here" and she packs her dinner into her mouth.

Running thru the house? No problem. The Magical Hippopotamus LOVES to chase down little girls that run.

Bedtime? No sweat. The bed is the ONLY place that the Magical Hippopotamus is not allowed. Magical Hippopotamussessess are not allowed to bite a little girl's toes if she is in bed.

Ashton & Ethan have been quick to catch on to the Magical Hippopotamus craze. If Avery is messing with either of them, Ashton & Ethan will conspire to completely freak her out:

Ethan will distract Avery while Ashton hides in a closet and proceeds to thump the ever loving crap out of the door. As the noise starts, Ethan will state with great dread: "OH NO!! It's the MAGICAL HIPPOPOTAMUS here to bite your toes! Run Avery!" and she takes off to hide in her bed.

...of course - Ethan only started doing this after he pulled me aside and asked if the Magical Hippopotamus was "for real".

I love the Magical Hippopotamus. I don't ever want him to leave. Of course - I also don't want my child to have an unreasonable paranoia of Hippopotamus, but for now - I'm willing to pay the future psychiatric bills for the small moments of peace.
posted by Norman at 7:20 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Friday, June 01, 2007
A deep and meaningful conversation at Norman's house.
I was just poking around on the news sites, when I found an interesting article.

Want to know what fascinates me? Well...just click here.

I must say - I was riveted to the whole article.

Enough so that I called my husband (who is here for the weekend...which is GREAT for the sake of verification) to read it as well.

He was fascinated as well.

So here's as the conversation went again:

Him: WHAT'S the average length again?

Me: 5.5 to 6.2 inches long.

now he's looking faintly smug.

Him: ah.

Me: Did you ever measure yours?

Him: Well...yeah.... I went to college (adopts a faintly defensive tone, while laughing)

Me: Well? So how long was it?

Him: 7 inches!

Me: Good job!

We went out into the garage for a quick....smoke. Don't be all nasty now guys...stay with me here for a minute.

Him: So what else did it say about the average penis?

Me: Well - it also said that the average circumference is 4.7 to 5.1 inches around. WOW! That's like...a stump or something. I guess you lost in the average circumference thingie. Sorry hunny!!

Him: Wait a minute....(he's rummaging around for a tape measure)

Me: What are you doing? You can't measure it NOW. It says....ahem...a HAPPY penis..not a sleepy one.

Him: (turning around..."happy").

Me: How'd THAT happen?

Him: Shut up! Let's see here. Starts measuring

Me: Laughing hysterically

Him: Where do I measure again?

Me: ........mid-shaft

Him: um....let's see...5.8 FIVE POINT EIGHT! HA!

Me: I'm so proud of you.
posted by Norman at 9:11 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
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