Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Tomato Season
First - you spoke and I listened! The flying bitches are gone. I do however - reserve the right to bring them back for SPECIAL OCCASIONS ONLY, at which point, they will be on for about 1 day. Frankly though, it was beginning to annoy me as well.

Second - did you know that Tomato Season is almost upon us? We're gearing up for it here! The kids have come home with all sorts of information about "What to do in case of a Tomato!"

Tomato you say? Yes - exactly. I say Tornado - Ethan says Tomato. We found this out when they conducted the first weekly test of the tornado siren of the year. He came flying back into the house. "A TOMATO!! THERE'S A TOMATO COMING!" See? He knows what to do. Of course the first thing to do in case of a tomato is to warn everyone. The second thing we do is run outside and look up. This accomplishes two things. WE find out that a tomato is in fact upon us, and NATURE accomplishes its task of weeding out the idiots. Which apparently is about 98% of the neighborhood.
I swear people. I've lived in this town for 12 years. Every year it's the same thing. A tornado is in the area. Everyone runs out and congregates in the middle of the street. And it's crazy, their mood is buoyant! They're excited! "Hey! My house is going to be blown away! Let's stay here and watch! We can video it and send it in to America's Funniest Videos! Who's got the beer?" ~~gee~~

Myself - I have a different reaction... mostly. I do join the lemmings in running outside, but my objective in doing this is finding out exactly which way the clouds are moving. My husband runs outside to the highest point of the house with a camera. He's lived here longer.

Two years ago, we experienced the MOTHER OF ALL HAIL STORMS! The (tomato) sirens went off, and out we went. The sky was awfully green. I noticed a sticky note on our mailbox and pointed it out to my hubby. "Hey! Look - someone left us a note. Go get it before it gets blown away" He trotted on down the sidewalk, made it to the mailbox when it hit. A huge freaking hailstone. That mother was SOFTBALL SIZED. He never missed a step. He just turned right around and trotted on back up the sidewalk. "Screw your note!" He said. Soon it began to sound like a group of mad roofers had descended on us, as the hail began to pummel our houses. Huge - I mean HUGE stones. Don't believe me? Click here. By the time this storm had passed, the total damage estimate was $100 MILLION (yes - MILLION) dollars. I've read other estimates that put the damage closer to $300 million. We had several tornados touch down, I saw one of them a mere 2 miles from my house... (remember - I live in the plains of Texas, I really can see an object 2 miles away - and it looks close. Especially Tomatoes)

My kids especially love Tomato Season. Why? Because when tomatoes come to visit, I throw them in the closet with this stuff:

Big cushion to sit on
Two big pillows over their heads
One huge thick quilt over the pillows (and them)
and I cram the worlds largest freaking bowl of candy in between them to make them stay put.

Hey it works. We're prepared... Are you?
posted by Norman at 8:37 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Monday, February 27, 2006
Is it really THAT BAD?
Well - since you guys read this blog (which is amazing to me - but THANKS!), I really do appreciate your input. After all - if you guys are reading it, I'd like you to at least be COMFORTABLE while you are here. So even though I love my cute little floating image script, I'll listen to what you have to say....

Lurkers can vote too, even though you don't talk much - your vote still matters!

posted by Norman at 6:58 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Sunday, February 26, 2006
The Good Ol' Days!
I was watching my older two children argue today. And I was compelled to call my mother and apologize for every single time that my sister and I argued. Ever. She just burst out laughing and told me that her wish had come true. Niiiiiice. But! That's how my family is. We're all snotty like that. But it IS funny how history repeats itself.

One of the bigger arguments that my sister and I had was the Mountain Dew War. We loved Moutain Dew. My mother had actually bought a six pack of it and my sister and I were in hog heaven. One day, we were eating popcorn and decided that Moutain Dew would really taste great with it. My sister offered to go get some. Well - that was a first... HER offering to get something for ME. She came trotting back shortly with the news: Only one can of the Dew was left. What to do?? What to DEW?? She offered to give me A&W Root Beer, but we both wanted Mountain Dew. So I made the suggestion that we SHARE the can. I should have know when she agreed to this suggestion so quickly that something was amiss. But I just chomped on my popcorn, oblivious to the devious workings of my sister's brain. She showed back up, gave me my half of the Mountain Dew, then made a HUGE show of licking her glass all the way around the rim (She cootified it... therefore claiming it all hers). I thanked her politely - and inhaled a mighty draught of the Dew. EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! PICKLE JUICE!! And it was SOUR pickle juice at that. Oh - I was so freaking mad at her!

I got her back a few years later. She ORDERED me to make some Tang for her and a friend. Now - SHE should have been suspicious when I agreed immediately! I made the Tang, and spiked it with half a bottle of Tabasco sauce. Which turned it an awfully shade of brownish-orange. So I dyed it back to orange. (We always had food coloring in the house - I loved to eat green eggs... HI SAM I AM!). They were really thirsty and chugged about half of their drink before the burning sensations hit them. I think I ran about 2 blocks away from the house before they finally gave up chasing me.

Ahhhh - the good old days.

I was such a stinker to my sister. As I type this, I remember licking all the flavoring off of Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips and then sticking them back in the bag for her to eat. Or the time she left her glass of milk unattended and I spit some chewed up food in it. She didn't find THAT until she'd already drank the glass of milk. And I wonder why we never got along when we were younger...

But we're friends now, and that's all that matters. It gives me hope that my son will stop trying to drive Ashy insane and they will be good friends forever more!
posted by Norman at 7:33 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Sunday Six
Stolen from Tammy, who stole it from Missing JT Snow:

I've asked my children the following questions. Remember - Ashton is 7 and Ethan is 4. I would ask Avery but she's napping (I love naptime)

OK - Here's the game: The idea is to post answers to the following six questions, but the trick is to get your kids to answer them! If you don't have kids, use your imagination... Get your pet, co-worker, neighbor, your elderly family member, roommate, significant other, etc. Better yet... Try to answer them yourself like you are a 5 year old! This week's theme is school.

1. Why do we go to school?

Ashton - So we can learn. Why?
Ethan - What? Because I love everybody in my school. why?

2. What is your favorite subject in school?

Ashton - hmmmm. Eating (must be lunch) and exercise (gym)
Ethan - What? Popcorn!

3. How do we learn new things?

Ashton - Listen. (big grin)
Ethan - What? In Church!

4. Do you (or do you think you will) like your teacher?

Ashton - mmmhmmm.. she's nice
Ethan - What? Yes.

5. How do you get to school?

Ashton - What do you mean? Mommy! Stop typing my answers! giggles and falls over
Ethan - What? In the car, you sillyhead.

6. What does it mean to make straight A's

Ashton - good grades. giggle giggle giggle. you're still typing.
Ethan - Oh. I know this one. It means you have to hold your crayon real still and draw it really straight and not have wiggly sides because then your A looks cold.

Didja play?
posted by Norman at 8:35 AM | Permalink | 10 comments
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Strange/Weird Stories Part TROIS
In my last strange/weird stories I told you how the maintenance guys SAW what was freaking me out in the unit. I think I left it that we made a mad dash out of there and ran to the more populated part of the nursing home.

Well - when we got there, babbling incoherently about the call lights we pretty much condemned ourselves to ridicule from the other staff. They didn't believe us - and we had to deal with teasing and jokes about us for a while. Then one day I went to work and the tide had turned! HA! I love it when that happens!

It seems the Night Nurse Supervisor needed to make some copies one night. So he went to the business unit and fired up the copy machine. Those things always take a while to warm up. While he was waiting, guess what happened? That's right beyotches - the call light went off. HA! So John (that was his name) decided to go check out the room. Of course when he went in there, it was empty save for some equipment that was being stored in there. He went up to the light board and canceled the call, then started making his copies. He told me he was right in the middle of copying a chart when IT happened.

A blood-curdling SHRIEK just emanated from that room. And the call light went off again. He told me he had all sorts of hairs standing up on every part of his body. But then he calmed down, thinking that maybe an Alzheimer's patient had escaped and was hiding out in the room. He went in there and thoroughly checked out the room (damn - he's braver than I am!) but of course there was nothing. He canceled the light again and hurried to complete the chart. He was in the process of turning off the machine when he heard it again. The SHRIEK. He says that at that point, he shrieked as well and flew out of there.

From that point on - NO ONE would ever enter the business unit alone again.

I was extremely unnerved hearing his story - but at the same time, I was very relieved. The teasing stopped, and people didn't look at me like I was a freak anymore! At least - not openly!
posted by Norman at 9:29 AM | Permalink | 15 comments
Friday, February 24, 2006
One of the reasons why I don't like math
Because it depresses me. How, you ask? Simple! Like this:

I've got three children. The oldest is almost 8. My kiddos are all 3 years apart. Now, generally speaking, and for ease of my mathematically challenged brain - I will be rounding numbers up or down, whichever I decide is easier in this little word problem.

Let's just say that Ashy is ALREADY 8, Ethan is 4 and Avery is 1
Let's just say that each month, I spend roughly $60 on diapers and hiney wipes

I was thinking to myself, that I don't think that there has been one single time in the last 8 years that I haven't bought diapers. How much money is that?

$60 times 12 months times 8 = a shitload of money on diapers. (pun intended of course) $5760 to be exact. Crap. And I can theoretically expect to buy diapers for one more year unless Avery turns out to be some sort of superkid that decides she's not going to subject me to anymore stinky diaper changes. So let's just project an additional $720 onto that figure.

I can expect to shell out $6480 by this time next year on poop catchers. I swear. If I was a stay at home mom I'd so be doing the cloth diapers.

Guys - that's an assload of money, and now I'm depressed that I have the ability to figure that out (since I'm taking math classes now). Also - I'm depressed that I actually chose that to figure out.

I guess I'm just really really really tired of diapers! Especially when Avery does the helium poops like she loves to do. (Tammy calls them "Poonamis")

Ok. Well - I guess I need to go change a diaper. I guess you can call this a pretty crappy post.
posted by Norman at 8:00 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Here's one for the ghost posts.
It's been quiet in the ghostly area lately. Until today. *Sigh* I was sooooo hoping that my proclamations of "This is MY house, you need to leave us alone!" had taken hold. Yes - I actually did follow the advice I was previously given of stating FIRMLY but not ANGRILY that this house was mine.

I got home today and headed for the dreaded bathroom like I usually do. Generally, by the time I get home, my husband & children are already in, so it's not an issue. Not so today. I was the first one in. I thought I could brave it out since there'd been no activity lately. Silly me.

I walked into my closet and flipped on the light. It promptly popped, lit the closet with a brilliant flash, then died. I almost did too. (Have I ever mentioned how skittish I am when I'm by myself?) Lightbulbs burning out always freak me out a little.

I shut the door and became aware of a stench that seemed to fill the room. Since I was in the bathroom, I thought I'd check the toilet to see if my husband had maybe forgotten to flush the kids after he'd dropped them off at the pool. Nope. Toilet's empty. And the poopy smell smelled more like dog poop anyway. So I checked my shoes. Clean. But damn! It stunk!

I made the decision to LEAVE. Right away. Just LEAVE. Because you always hear that stinky smells can be ghost related... right? So I thought I'd just be smart for once and LEAVE. The key word here is "LEAVE".

I started towards the only exit out - which was our bedroom door, when the mofo SHUT! By itself! It SHUT! Not with a bang, but I was walking up to it and it just ... shut.

Have you ever had that feeling where you feel like you have no blood left in your body? Gads I HATE THAT FEELING! I also had a big old lump in my throat because I just wanted to start crying right then and there. I swear it took every ounce of strength I had to reach out to that door and open it, and thank God it DID open. Otherwise there would have been a Norman-shaped hole in the door right then and there THROUGH it.

The facts -

There were no open doors, windows or anything to create a draft which would have shut the door.
I was not close enough to the door to create a draft by being near it.
I didn't do ANYTHING to cause that door to swing shut.
I'm scared to death of my house.
The stinky smell was gone by the time my husband got home.
I was sitting in my car in the garage with the car doors locked by that time. (Engine NOT running thankyouverymuch)
posted by Norman at 8:20 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Have any of ya'll seen that movie "Zathura" yet? We rented the DVD for the kids this week. Last night, we popped it in and watched it as a family.

I really liked it! I originally thought it was just going to be a cheap knock-off off "Jumanji", but really - I was pleasantly surprised!

My kids really REALLY dug it! Ashton's favorite part was the 'defective robot'.

I do have to say that I was really surprised over the 'bad words' that were in this kid movie. Now - I know I cuss like a sailor on here, but it does NOT mean I cuss in my home or in front of my kids. Hypocritical, I know, but that's how it is. Anyway - like I said, I was pretty surprised to hear the phrases "You DICK" and "Beyotch" in the movie. Why put those in a kids movie? Weird...

I don't have much to say today. I've had a stubborn cold now for about 2 weeks, and I've just now begun to feel better. But I'm tired of feeling sickly!

Hey - here's my new favorite blogger: SOMEGUY 101

Go see him, tell him hi and do me a favor!! TELL HIM I'VE GOT THE HOTS FOR HIM!
He doesn't update often, (he's only got 3 posts so far), I personally think he needs the encouragement of interaction in order to jumpstart his blogging! I'd sure like to see more of his stuff, so go be nice! He's hotstuff ya'll! (LOL)


************edited to add:

I really should check my e-mail BEFORE I blog. If I had - I would have included this the FIRST time!

Married Life - A short, sweet story:

A couple had only been married for two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop, but at the bar, you know... they have frozen glasses." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. "But my Sweet Honey, at the bar.... you know... there's swearing, dirty words, and all that..." he trailed off. "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Listen up shit-for-brains! Sit your ass down, shut the hell up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your f---ing hors d'oeuvres, because your married ass isn't going to a damned bar! That crap is over. Got it, Numbnuts?"........

And, they lived happily ever after. Now, isn't that a sweet story?
posted by Norman at 7:13 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I got this over e-mail today, and I just HAD to share!

Disclaimer: My husband is in NO WAY defined by this e-mail. NEVER! So don't go telling him he needs to watch what I write on my blog. This is A JOKE! Not my husband...


Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo'
sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
posted by Norman at 3:56 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Monday, February 20, 2006
The clock is ticking!
and it's gone!

Crazy stuff huh?

Now do you see why I didn't want to leave it up permanently?

Sorry if you missed it!

I'm off to search for something to replace this post with now!



36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? . . .

Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the
rest of us in line.
posted by Norman at 7:30 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Sunday, February 19, 2006
OK. You caught me
Here's the REAL reason why I missed the Blog Blowout in Austin. I was getting my car washed....I really didn't want to leave my car unattended...

But HELL. Do you BLAME me for missing the Blowout now??

Ok people. I'm trying to decide about a post. I really really want to tell you about my next door neighbor - but I'm kind of a little skeered too... I'll tell ya what. I'll do a post - but I won't post it until 9:30 pm tomorrow - and I'll only leave it up for ONE HOUR. Got it?

posted by Norman at 7:07 PM | Permalink | 18 comments
Saturday, February 18, 2006
I should be in Austin right now
I should be in Austin having a great time meeting people that I 'talk' to in the Blog World. Instead I'm home on a Saturday night.

BUT! I did have fun today. Let's see:

I drank about 8 cups of coffee (ZING!!!)
Started a load of laundry (Oh crap - it's been sitting in there all day, I never put it in the dryer! Oopsie!)
Made a candle with my new candle maker that I got for Valentines Day (and it turned out great!)
Went rollerskating with my kids for about 3 hours (that's my exercise for the MONTH)
Crocheted on my afghan for a little bit (almost done!)
Chased Avery around the house because she figured out how to play "Tag"
Went to WalMart

ok. Those were just the HIGHLIGHTS of my day. I still think I should be in Austin dancing on a bar and slamming tequila shots.

Well crap. At least I can share some pictures I got over e-mail today. Have a great rest-of-the-weekend!

posted by Norman at 8:46 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Friday, February 17, 2006
I feel like DANCIN'!
I made a 90 on my Algebra Final!! YAY ME!

Your Stripper Song Is
I'm" a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears
"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."
You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!
What Song Should You Strip To?

To the lucky dogs that get to do the Blog Blowout in Austin - Have a frickin' blast and drink a margarita for me. I'm there in Spirit!
posted by Norman at 7:29 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Wonder what I wonder about?
Here's what I've been wondering about today:

When a cemetary gets full, they have to close it... right? Or buy more land to make more space. So what happens when we run out of land for cemetarys? HUH? What are we going to do then?

Just one of the things I wonder about on my way home from work. It's a long drive.
posted by Norman at 9:01 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
I was SUPPOSED to be going to the "Blog Blowout" this Saturday in Austin. My mother was going to take care of my kiddos, and I was going to have a friggin' blast.

But my aunt & uncle decided to visit this weekend, and she can't watch them now.

posted by Norman at 2:20 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Lights! Camera! Action!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got arrested FIVE TIMES yesterday!! It was an honest to God HOOT!

Here - let me start at the beginning...

I got to work yesterday, dropped by my bosses office to do my obligatory brown-nosing when she dropped this on me:

"The tile guys still aren't finished at my house, can we film our video at your house today?"
"Ummmmmmmm.... yeah - ok....." I'm thinking about the living room where it looks like a bomb exploded in my kid's toy box. "Sure - as long as I get to leave NOW to clean my hellhole house." "Great!" chirped my boss "See ya later!" So jiggityjog, back home I went. (That's a 35 mile drive, I wish she would have called me before I left...)

So now I'm cleaning my house frantically so that we can film what is essentially a training video for the Panhandle Area law enforcement officers. I wasn't involved in the 'pre-production' of this little gem - so I had no clue what to expect. Hoo-ah

I had just stashed the last of the legos when the bell rang. Camera crew was here! They did all their little mysterious light checks and decided that Yes - it would suit.. (thanks) my house had plenty of open space and light. I was chatting with them when the police cars and sheriff dudes pulled up. The sheriff's office was kind enough to loan out two of their cruisers and 4 of their Sheriffs. While we were talking, I noticed a few cars drive by sllooooooowly. So I invited them in. We went over the little scenario - and the gist of it was: They would knock on my door. When I opened it, I was to act surprised/shocked/confused, they would serve a warrant, cuff me and search the house. Ready? OK!
"Um... why are they wearing those little black ski masks?! " I yelped. All the sheriffs now looked like ninjas. "Well - we're supposed to conceal our faces during a raid" they explained. "Now.. wait a minute guys. I didn't get a chance to tell ANY of my neighbors not to be worried - and this is really going to freak their shit" Now all the guys looked crushed. I guess they don't get much opportunity to wear their little hoods and were really excited. "Besides - this isn't a drug raid we're doing!! You only wear them for drug raids right!?" They ended up having to ditch their hoodies.

Now we were ready. They positioned themselves outside my house and knocked on the door. I played my little role PERFECTLY, let them handcuff me and 'search' my house. Then when they 'found' what they were looking for, they marched me outside to the cruiser and put me in. We repeated this little routine five times. (See I really was arrested five times!)
It was amazing how the traffic around my house doubled and it was even more amazing how slowly the cars went when they saw all the guys wearing "SHERIFF" jackets with a handcuffed chick and a camera crew. One guy even called out as he passed by "What channel will this be on!?" And my boss - cut up that she is- replied "CNN!! Make sure you watch at 9pm!! This is HUGE!!"

I live in a really quiet neighborhood (aside from my drug-running neighbor, but that's another post) and things like this just don't happen. There were little groups of people standing around and just watching me. It was hilarious. I begged my boss to let me "pretend" to escape and start running at one of the groups, but she nixed that idea. (This is Texas and one of them might have had a gun and tried to help the Sheriffs! LOL)

Once we got the 'house shots' done, they decided to film the 'chase' sequence. I was to drive down the street, and ignore the cruiser that was behind me, and try to avoid being pulled over. We coordinated where I would finally be 'stopped' and we started filming again. What.a.riot. Now by no means were any of us speeding, because school had just let out, the traffic was still kinda heavy (from the people being nosy) and we weren't filming a high-speed chase, just a car refusing to pull over right away. This, of course, attracted more attention because we're in a residential area. We sat in the middle of the road for about 15 minutes after doing the 'chase' scene while the camera guy shot a bunch of different angles. I could see all the cars turning around up the road and doubling back for another look. So when the next bunch of cars came through, I suddenly flopped over my driver's side door (from inside) and hung upside down trying to look like I was dead. I could hear the approaching car stop suddenly and a woman yelled out "NORMAN!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" ROFLMAO!! My nosy neighbor.

I had so much fun.... The whole thing took about 3 hours, and the whole training video will be 10 minutes long - max. But dammit! I was a STAR for the day! My first starring role! LOL I'd better be able to get out of some traffic tickets for this little video!

I had lots of people coming by the house last night to 'make sure we were okay'. Too freaking funny. We've lived here for 4 years, and that's the FIRST time I met most of these people!

So - you see - I really did get arrested 5 times. I was hoping the presence of all the LawEnforcement people would freak the crap out of my next-door neighbor who really is an honest to God drug runner. So far - he STILL hasn't come back to his house!! I think he ran when he saw all the activity! BONUS!
posted by Norman at 7:09 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Valentines Day !!
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,the Marines could shoot the fucker."

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY GUYS!! By the way - I was arrested FIVE TIMES today! (Want me to explain that one?)

posted by Norman at 7:29 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Monday, February 13, 2006
Ways to mess with your kids Part II
Heh. This happened a while ago, but I remembered it today and had to share - aren't I sweet?!

We used to have trouble keeping Ethan in his bed at night. He'd scamper around his bedroom in the dark and play with his train table and anything else that would keep him from doing what he was supposed to be doing... sleeping.

One night - I was sitting in the living room when I heard scuffling coming from the direction of his room. I was just about to get up to tie him to his bed guide him back to bed, when I heard a loud crashing sound, and the terrified cries of my child. I kicked it into high gear and ran to his room, still hear GROWLING noises and breaking glass. I skidded around the corner, flipped on the lights and see him sobbing hopelessly on his bed - crossways, as if he'd flopped on it after leaping high in the air. I think he did. Because kicked over on the floor were these:

Have you seen these things? They're hilarious! But at the time, Ethan did not think they were that hilarious. Apparently - he'd left them on the floor of his room, and in his midnight travails, he kicked them. When you knock them together, they make "Hulk" noises, which sound very much like a HUGE SCARY MONSTER THAT'S COMING TO GOBBLE YOU UP. And opportunist that I am, seized on that thought of his... heeeehee... expoitation at it's finest.

I told him that if he'd stayed in bed - that mean growley thing wouldn't have come out from under his bed.

NO!! Really - I didn't do that. But it was RIGHT THERE on the tip of my tongue to do that! I swear.. I swear -- I did not strategically place those hands on the floor on purpose! It was pure chance, but it was AWESOME because for about a month after that - he was glued to his bed the minute we put him in there.

He still runs around in the middle of the night at times now. I think if it starts to become a habit, I might leave those hands out - on purpose this time!
posted by Norman at 9:00 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Sunday, February 12, 2006
See da man?

This is an actual test-Can you find the man within 3 seconds?

According to medical experiments: If you can find the Man's Head within 3 seconds, your right brain is more developed than normal people. If you can find the Man's Head within 1 minute, your right brain is developed normally. If you can find the Man's Head within 1-3 minutes, your right brain is slow in reacting, you should eat more meat protein. If you can't find the Man's Head in 3 minutes or more, your right brain is a disaster ... extremely slow in reacting, eat way more protein and try some Ginkgo Biloba. AND, YES THERE REALLY IS A MAN IN THERE.

OK. This was totally and completely stolen from Greg no - not YOU Greg!!!! The other Greg.

And on a poor pity Norman note....

I hate "blog weekends". It's soooooo sllllooooooowwww. Either that or my posts just SUCK on the weekends. I can't quite figure it out. Why do they suck so hard on the weekends when I have more time for blogging? Why are they better on weekdays when I'm running 50 bazillion miles an hour and can grab only a minute here or a minute there? The world may never know. But I do know that I suck on the weekends!!

Find da man!
posted by Norman at 8:40 PM | Permalink | 21 comments
it's true.... IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your Inner Child Is Angry
You're not an angry person.But when you don't get your way, watch out.Like a very manipulative kid, you will get what you want.Even if it takes a little kicking and screaming.
How is your inner child?

Crap. I hate it when these stupid things hit the nail on the head.
posted by Norman at 3:12 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Nigerian Scam? It ain't nuthin' compared to the Circus!
Hey! Well - it appears that my free internet e-mail service is being bombarded by scam-mail. Which is weird because I've never responded to any of the strange e-mails (like the one below). I only use that e-mail service for blogging. I got the NIGERIAN SCAM LETTER today! Now - who in their right name would STILL fall for this? Apparently - someone in my town did the other day. He's out $25,000. You know what? He deserves it for FALLING FOR IT!

Now that I've poked fun at this unfortunate soul, I'm all set to fall for the next scam myself.

We're taking our kids to the circus tonight. Now the circus is a scam unto itself. And a wildly successful one at that. First off - this circus uses the unfair battle tactics of sending FREE KID tickets to all the schools. So my children become excited at the fact that they have FREE tickets in their grubby little hands. Oh - we fell for the free ticket thing last time. At least this time we're more prepared. Sure - the kids get free tickets, but do you know how much the ADULT tickets are? $30. That's right. Thirty-freaking-dollars. Each. And this isnt' even Ringling Bros! This is "Circus Ghatti". I think they are gypsys. Hey - weren't gypsy's reknowned in the past for being scam-artists?

The second unfair tactic that Circus Ghatti uses, is all the CRAP they sell. And they PUSH this crap. Cotton Candy? $10. Snow Cone? $12. Plastic ball on a stick? $15. Circus Program? $7. Small dixie cup of coke? 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.99

Price gouging galore. So last year, we made it past all the vendors after squandering a mere $85. That was for two Adult Admissions, two cokes, two cotton candys, and one program. Seriously folks, that's worse than the movies and don't get me started on how scamish they are....

But we made it to our seats after telling our kids for the LAST TIME that we WERE NOT buying the swirling flashlight thingie. We thought we'd won.

Yeah - you know what the circus people did? During one of the shows, the ringmaster stepped out in the spotlight and proceeded to tell the kids that it was VITAL they had the flashlight thingies in order to properly highlight the next act. The clowns needed all the light they could get. And the clowns would DIE a horrible death by lion mauling if not everyone had a flashlight... yeah - that last sentence was a lie - but the INSINUATION was there! I swear! We ended up having to buy the kids flashlights. Pissed.me.off.

We swore up and down that we would never set foot in the circus again. Then they sent free tickets home yesterday. Yay.

So we're going tonight. But I'm bringing my own cotton candy! We just went and bought some of that "Fluffy Stuff" from the blockbuster video! Hooo-ahhh!!! We won that battle!

In the future, I think I might just go for the Nigerian Scam. I might be out less money, and it's not as noisy...

posted by Norman at 1:48 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Friday, February 10, 2006
WTF is this?!?
I just opened my internet e-mail. This message was in there:

Intrested, My name is Miss Dora Adisa ,i saw your profile today at (http://waiterrant.net/?p=267) and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and i want you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.Here is my email address (XXXXX@yahoo.com) i believe we can move from here.I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.Miss Dora(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alot in life. Yours Love Miss Dora
(I x'd the addy out)


Someone's trying to work their jelly with me online! HEY HEY HEY!! So - should I play along or let it be? Could be interesting - who knows?

posted by Norman at 8:28 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Strange/Weird Stories Part DEUX
OK!! By now most of you have dedeuced that I was quite peeved yesterday. I was. I still am. But oh well, such is my life. I don't feel like griping about it anymore (because #1 - I'm being monitored - eh?? LOL and #2 - I'd probably delete it again because I would just let it all hang out and decide I need to reel it back in) But enough about yesterday! I had so much fun sharing my strange/weird story about the nursing home, I thought I'd flop another one to you. By the way - nursing homes are GREAT places to work if you like dealing with elderly people, which I do. But I think most nursing homes are haunted, or at least the one I worked at was... don't believe me? Read on:

After working at the nursing home in the business office for about a year, the administrators decided to make a physical therapy room out of our office (we were also a skilled nursing facility, or SNF - that's "sniff" in hospital lingo) Seeing how the patient census was low - they decided to transform one of the patient wings into the business offices. I was really excited about this, because the offices would be located in the old patient rooms. I would have my own office WITH a private bathroom! Woohoo!!

All was well until I was working late one night. I was the only one down in the unit and I was trying to hurry and get out of there, when I heard it.... *BONG.....BONG.....BONG....BONG* What the hell?? So I got up and went out to the old nurses station. *BONG BONG BONG* I couldn't figure it out. It wasn't really loud, but it was persistant. Then I knew; It was a patient call. You know - you're in the hospital and push a button for the nurse?? It was that! But who pushed the button??!! I wandered into the room that was being used as storage and looked in. The nurse response button on the wall was lit up so I jabbed it and canceled the signal. "Must be a short" I thought and hurried back to my office to finish up. *BONG BONG BONG* Dammit!! It started up again! I ran across the unit, canceled the signal again and left for the night. First thing next morning, I grabbed one of the maintenance guys and asked him to fix the signal. He came in around closing time and started working on it. I was working late again and looked up when he came into my office.
"You say the call signal was lit up?" he asked. "Yeah-" I said, "it was lit and ringing." "Impossible. The system is disconnected."
"What do you mean?"
"Just what I said... it's disconnected, there's no power source." and right on cue - the call signal sounded. I was soooooo relieved. A witness!!! The maintenance guy however, was anything but relieved. His eyes were huge. "What the ffffff" he mumbled and started back to the room. I jokingly called to the guy that it was probably the ghost of a deceased patient. "Shut up!" he yelled and poked his head in the room. Came back out and looked at the light. Still lit. He checked the system again to confirm it was disabled, then called the other maintenance guy on his radio. "Hey! Gerry!" he yelled "Yeah?!" answered Gerry "Hey - didn't we disable the call system in the business unit?" "Yeah," answered Gerry "We had to cannibalize it to fix the other system until a replacement arrives" "Yeah?, " challenged the other "Well it's signaling" "Can't be" "It is". "You fuckin with me?" "No - God's truth - come here"

I'm listening to this whole exchange and thinking I would be silly - I went to the patient room that was signaling and stood in the middle of it. I said: "OK! I'm here, what can I get for you Mr. Ghost Patient!?" and just like that, the signal stopped.

Flash forward to this scene... me and the maintenance guy barreling out of the unit and over to the 'populated' part of the home.

And I never worked alone again.
posted by Norman at 7:08 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Ya snooze Ya lose
Sorry guys... a blogger friend who will go unmentioned because I don't want to ruin his tough-guy image made me think twice about my post that I just deleted.


But it was up there for a little bit. Ya snooze ya lose. Sorry, husband dear - you're just going to have to wonder what I wrote. But according to my stat counter, a number of people DID read it. HA.

And now a cryptic message:

You want to know what this post is about?? Ask my husband.
posted by Norman at 8:47 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Strange/weird stories anyone??
I've got two! Read them, and then feel free to tell me yours! I wanna hear!

I used to work in a nursing home. That was probably one of the most interesting jobs I've ever had. Some of the craziest, unexplained things would occur there.

There was this woman there, that was not very old compared to the other nursing home residents. She was MAYBE 67 years old. I don't remember why she was living there, but she'd moved in. I think maybe she was living there because she had no nearby relatives, but she was perfectly capable of living on her own. I remember thinking that she must just be lonely and chose to move in there. Anyway, one night, she rang the nurses station. It was about 11:00pm. When the nurse, Vicky, went in there "Zelda" was very nervous. She asked Vicky what time it was, and the Vicky replied "11:00. What's wrong? Do you need some help?" and Vicky told me that all Zelda would say was this "Oh no! At 12:00, I'm going to be dead!" So Vicky asked her if she was having chest pains, or something, and Zelda just kept saying that at midnight she'd be dead. Vicky checked her stats, calmed Ms. Zelda down, and left the room. At 12:05, Vicky decided to check on Zelda. Dead. The reason I know this story is because the next morning, while I was doing the patient census, Vicky was processing OUT of her job in the employment office. She was entirely too freaked out and decided to quit. Employment convinced her to remain, but let her take a week off.

Isn't that weird?? Now - another time, this man that I once worked with came to my office and asked if he needed to report to me that his wife had died. I didn't know his wife had been sick and asked if it was a sudden illness. He told me that she'd had a heart disease for awhile but they thought she was getting better, and that she had died Friday (it was a Monday). The first thing I asked him was why he was at work. He said that being home made the loss worse. I talked with him a little bit, and he was pretty tearful. Mind you, I don't know this guy very well, but he needed to talk and I guess he picked me. I felt so very bad for him. I did tell him that I would be calling his supervisor and recommend that he should go home. So he said, OK, he just wanted to know if he had any reporting requirements. He got up to leave, then sat back down, and said "I'll never forget Friday" I nodded my head. I was sure he wouldn't either. "She woke up from a nap and told me she didn't feel good, and that she wanted to go to the hospital. So I put her in the car and started to drive. We live about 40 miles from the hospital. We got about 1 mile down the road and she told me she felt better, that we should just go back home, but I told her we should at least get her checked out. She agreed and we kept going. About 20 miles into the drive, she sat forward in the passenger seat, looked at me, and I'll never forget the look of surprise on her face [he choked up here, then went on] and said 'I'm dead. I love you.' Then she pitched forward onto the dash, and I just knew she was gone." I had chills going up and down my spine while he told me this, I kept remember the woman from the nursing home. And this was just a very very strange thing that happened to him!

Aren't those two stories freaky?? How do they know they are dead or the time they are going to die??

I'm not an unfeeling person, but both of those things happened about 8 years ago (the first one) and about 1 year ago (the second), which is how I'm able to write about them. These are also 'first-hand' accounts from the people they happened to. So it's not some story of my best-friend's uncle's girlfriend's nephew knows about this. I know the actual people that this happened to, and neither of them are prone to embellishments.

I've shared two strange/weird stories. I love hearing them, feel free to tell me your strange/weird story in the comments! But it has to be from a source that you know to be true. It can't just be something you heard once. It has to be a personal experience or first-hand account (as told to you by the person who experienced it) Okay?? Tell me!
posted by Norman at 7:38 PM | Permalink | 17 comments
Monday, February 06, 2006
Scalpel? I don't need no stinkin' Scalpel!
I can now add resourceful surgeon, to my list of talents. (Weak-stomached persons need to quit reading NOW)

My daughter had this big yucky welty red thing on her stomach. We've been treating it like a bug bite for the past few days, but the darn thing was just getting bigger & redder. Now - here in Texas we have these nasty little spiders called "Brown Recluse" spiders. Terrible things. They bite ya, and your skin DECOMPOSES on your body. Just ROTS right off. ARRRGGHH!! So I naturally became concerned that we might be dealing with a spider bite. I trotted off to the internet to look up symptoms of a brown recluse spider bite. After viewing many MANY disgusting photos of the spider bites in various stages, I became convinced that this was not what we were looking at.

I made her sit on the kitchen counter and I began inspecting this booger closely. And then I did what my mother used to do to me: Grabbed a straight pin. My daughter was watching me as I lit a match to the end of it, then dipped it in alcohol and wiped it with a cotton ball. "Wha...wait. What are going to do with that mommy?" She sounded very calm. Sort of like HAL in the 2001 Space Odyssey film. "I'm going to jam this straight pin in that welt and see what comes out." Welllllllll - I learned that was clearly not the correct answer to give her. It took about 10 more minutes of convincing that I would be VERY GENTLE and I would not jam needles in her body. I very delicately prodded the welt and easily removed some sort of scabby top on the thing. Yuck. And it was so strange. You could see INSIDE the welt. There was no blood. Just something that looked .... white. Kinda like a larvae. I started to freak a little - but I just made believe everything was fine. (Cause mommies have to make believe things are just fine, it's what your kid wants to hear. ) I nonchalantly asked her if she had any bugs bite her that she knew of and she said no. So I quizzed her a bit more. I asked her if she'd noticed any flea-looking creatures biting her then burying eggs in her skin... "WHAAAAT????" hm... She doesn't sound calm like HAL anymore. "Oh - I was just trying to be funny... heh heh heh". Yah. Like she bought that. Anyway - so then I tried to gently squeeze the welt but that hurt her. Hey - her lungs are very well developed by the way - but she's a trooper. Then I brought out the pin again and very carefully stuck it in the gaping hole in her stomach. I could touch the white thing. Good news. It didn't jump or anything. I gently tried to pry it out, but she didn't like that much either. So I got the tweezers.

Now - I've got to tell you. I'm sooooooo proud of this 7 year old girl who let me rummage around in her boo-boo with a needle and my eyebrow tweezers. She ROCKS!

I sanitized the needle again, and actually bent the tip while it was hot. Then I poured alcohol on it again, and went after the white thing. I hooked that sucker and was able to lift it slightly. Then I grabbed the tweezers and YANKED. That damn thing popped out and left a BIGGER hole in her stomach. I mean... it was BIG! Apparently - it was an ingrown hair. Not a larvae. Phew! And the hole it came out of didn't bleed or anything. Very very strange looking.

And in case you guys want to report me to CPS for my home-office surgery - I packed the hole with neosporin and put a breath-able bandaid on it. We will be checking it three times daily to make sure it doesn't get infected.

And my daughter? She gave me a HUGE hug for helping her. I asked her if she was mad at me, because it did hurt her a bit. She said "No. I know you were trying to fix it, and if you hadn't done that, I'd still be hurting. If feels a lot better now! You're a good mommy!" Awwwww.... makes me feel squishy inside! I think I must have done an okay job of raising my kids so far if I can take a pin & tweezers to my child and they still love me.

And that was what I did for fun tonight! How was ya'lls day?
posted by Norman at 8:59 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Sunday, February 05, 2006
I'm so not good with math. Observe the following equation:

plus plus

What do YOU think the answer to this equation is?

Apparently - I didn't equate it properly.

I do believe I need to go gargle with some Lysol now.

Thank you.

That is all....
posted by Norman at 10:18 AM | Permalink | 8 comments
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Useful Info
Go to this link and enter your street address...it will show a "house" in the middle of the map, that's your house... all the little colored boxes are registered Sex Offenders... click on them and you get a name, address & picture of the person along with his crime... pretty amazing and scary...it shows you where they live in proximity to your home and the local schools.

Family Watchdog

I just did this myself, and pulled up three offenders in my immediate area. I was surprised, seeing that we live within 2 blocks of an elementary school. Isn't there some sort of law saying that persons that have committed crimes against kids aren't supposed to live within so many miles of an elementary school?

I think a lynching is in order here.
posted by Norman at 10:41 AM | Permalink | 13 comments
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Ways to mess with your kids
Just in case you were running empty on ideas to mess with your kid's heads, I've decided to give you a little gem that I did to my middle kid yesterday.

The following conversation is a dramatization of the actual conversation:

"Mommy, what are bellybuttons for?" That's Ethan. He's silly. "Well, sweetie, when you were a baby, and still in my tummy, that's where there was a cord that fed you. I would eat food, then my tummy would make it ready for you because you were itty bitty and had no teeth" You also looked like an alien with flipper feet, but I didn't see the need to add that tidbit of information. "No way Mommy!! That's not why we got bellybuttons!" "Oh really? You don't believe me? I guess I can't fool you. I could tell you the real reason we have bellybuttons, but you have to promise not to tell your sister." Ethan nodded his head vigorously and leaned in close to receive the tantalizing secret information.... "Ok. Now - you know what a button is for, right? It's for holding things closed and making sure everything stays together, right?" He nods his head again, eyes wide. "Well - your bellybutton is VERY IMPORTANT. If you undo your bellybutton, your legs will fall right off. You MUST NOT undo your bellybutton. It's too hard to put your legs back on. Do you understand?" He solemnly nods his head, and agrees. I'm marveling that I can tell my son the truth, and he won't believe it, but give him some ridiculous story and he's all for it. He runs to his room, and shuts the door, presumably to begin trying to undo his bellybutton. My husband pipes up. "You know - he's going to need therapy later in life. Lots of it." Yeah - I know... but don't we all?

Speaking of needing therapy - I found this blog yesterday, and my stomach still hurts from laughing so hard. I highly HIGHLY recommend you visit and read as many of his "Don't eat it" entries as you can stomach. This guy is insane. I think I want him. Oh - and the entries keep getting funnier as you go down the page, so enjoy!

posted by Norman at 7:58 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I truly am, an e-vile creature
Have you ever thought back on various things that you have done, and regretted them? I have! There are lots of things I remember doing that I am very sorry for. But, I have no way of contacting these people to tell them I'm sorry. In the past, people would have to bear these wrong-doings and their regret in silence, but no more! I've decided that I can apologize to these people on my blog. Maybe somebody will do a search and find my apology! So here they are, my past regrets complete with apology! And yes - I'm going back as far as I remember...

To the little boy in Ft. Sill Oklahoma at the nursery (circa 1974)

I'm really very sorry that I kicked you in the face as hard as I could and broke your nose. I still remember the blood. And I'm sorry that I lied to the nursery lady that ran up and told her that you'd punched yourself on purpose.

To the little girl in Ft. Sill Oklahoma at the babysitters (circa 1975)

I'm sorry that my friends and I chased you with sticks because we had lollypops and you didn't. If it makes you feel better, we got put in the corner and our lollypops got confiscated...

To my little cousin's friend in Arlington, TX (circa 1978)

Sorry we pushed you off the slide and into the pool during the month of January. We actually really did know that you couldn't fly and would in fact, fall into the icy water.

To Jimmy Clark in San Antonio, TX (circa 1984)

Um.... really sorry about putting that tack in your chair. I didn't tell you who had actually done it because you bled so bad. I was SCARED dude!! How was I supposed to know you had a clotting disorder??

To the cheerleader I went to school with, who is now a bestselling author that I won't name, but can't get through to her because her number is unlisted... (did ya get that?) (circa 1987)

I'm sorry I put ketchup on your cheerleading skirt and told everyone you'd started your period, but dammit!! You were such a bitch and so snobby that I just wanted to bring you down a notch and... Forget it. I'm still proud of that episode. She was a snotty bitch.

To the various convenience stores that I cased and conducted beer runs on (circa 1988-1990)

Sorry!! Kinda!

Ok. That's it for now! If I remember some other ones, I'll be sure to purge my conscience online for all to see and judge!

Phew! I feel better. Nothing like a good purging to get my spirits up! Oh - that and battling snotty little commentors like the one in my last post. Wonder who that was? Oh well. Nobody important I'm sure. Maybe it was someone I had wronged in the past??

Don't forget to do my Frappr Map if you haven't already!! And thanks to those who have! I don't feel like such a lonely blognerd anymore. Now I'm just a blognerd...
posted by Norman at 6:56 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
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