Sunday, February 24, 2008
Holy Crap!
I WON I WON I WON!!!!!!!

What did I win?!!!!

A Cruise! and a trip to HAWAII!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! So how did I do this you wonder? Simple. I subjected myself to the horrors of a timeshare pitch. What better way to spend my Saturday?

See, my husband got this postcard in the mail that told him he was GUARANTEED a major award. I thought for sure it was a lamp shaped like a leg in a fishnet stocking. But then the postcard went on to say that the major award was either: A Mercedes M-Class, a Porche Cayenne, a BMW Z3, or an all-inclusive cruise....or $500.
All we had to do was call the 800 # listed below on the card to claim it.

Of course, he threw the postcard away, silly man. Norman cannot pass up a challenge.

I dug the postcard out from the coffee grounds and called the number. The nice people on the phone told us that all we had to do was travel to a resort in the beautiful hill country of South Texas and listen to a one hour presentation. After that, we would receive our GUARANTEED PRIZE.

Well...huh. I can handle one hour of high pressure sales. After all - I sell Pampered Chef. I am teflon. I can deflect anything.

So we went. The day was beautiful, the lake was beautiful and the resort was packed with other people waving similar yellow postcards. I began to wonder exactly how many Mercedes they had stashed in the back.

Then the sales pitch began. Luckily, our sales guy was only 21, and very inexperienced. He didn't have the high presssure talk locked in. But he tried. Oh so very hard did he try. But...using my powers of redirect and questioning, I managed to find out that he had just come back from Iraq. First he told me about his time in Iraq and how happy he was to be home. I thanked him for his service and what he's done for our country. I think that knocked him off stride. He started to point out the LOVELY accommodations at the resort, and I asked him what his plans were now that he had left the military. Startled, he told me that him & his wife were planning on buying a house. "REALLY!?" I said, "That's great! Who do you have your insurance with?" (p.s. I already knew the answer, he's former military and I put two & two together). So of course, he named the company that I now work for and I began to question him about whether he's gone through our free financial advice center to help him plan for the house he's about to buy. I asked if he'd checked the website to see what offers he has on his account, especially since he's about to buy a house, he qualifies for a special rate and mostly, are his insurance rates at the minimum requirement or does he have a higher limit of liability?

He was very quiet. Then he asked me how he could find all this information. So we located a internet connection at the resort and I proceeded to tell him all about his specific insurance and the benefits he had available to him thru our company. By the time I was done with him, our alotted time was up, and he had increased his coverage with my employer.

I'm sure his head was spinning as he handed me my confirmation form that I had stayed at the resort for at least an hour and off I went to collect my Mercedes.

Only that's when found out they had LIED about the Mercedes!!!!! FUCKERS!

Basically, they handed me a lottery scratch off ticket. Told me to scratch off FIVE numbers and if I had five "pots of gold" I would win my dream car. So a-scratchin' I did go.

Not one single pot of gold. Shit. However - then they ran my scratches thru some prize interpretation grid and found out that I had actually won the TRIP!!! YAHOOOO!!!

So on my cruise, I can go to (my choice)... Coco Cay, Bahamas, Cozumel, MX, Ensenada, MX, Nassau, Bahamas, or Playa del Carmen, MX on board the Royal Carribean or Carnival Cruises.

THEN.... I had to select one more card out of a fish bowl, and pulled out a trip to HAWAII, ARUBA OR SAN JUAN. WOOT!

The only thing about the Hawaii trip is I have to pay my own airfare. The cruise, well - there's no airfare about it. The port of call is here in Texas only 3 hours away.


So now I'm ready to go to Vegas and listen to their timeshare pitch over there for free show tickets!

posted by Norman at 7:24 AM | Permalink | 11 comments
Monday, February 18, 2008
Happy Monday!
Hey Guys!!! It's Monday and I'm at home!!! Woot!!! I love it when I have days off. So, let me tell you what my man got me for Valentine's Day.

I got this:

Purty, ain't it?

While I was wasting the day away in Jury Duty, I was plugged in listening to my favorite tunes, and even got to watch a movie. Good times. For jury duty that is. By the way...I got picked for jury duty. Which is fun. Except if you're the juror in traffic court. Which I was.

And let me tell you something else. If you ever get a traffic ticket in Texas, fight it in court with a jury. Wanna know why? Cause it's EASY to get out of it. A defendant does not have to provide proof that he is innocent. The state has to prove without reasonable doubt that the defendant was speeding. The defendant just has to stand there and say: "I didn't do it". We were all set to say "not guily" until the dimwit said this: "I was going over 60mph, but I know I wasn't doing 87mph". DOH!!! The guy should have read the charge better. We had to find that he wasn't speeding, they didn't list the exact miles that he was doing over the speed limit. Poor slob. So remember that.....denial denial denial.

But now listen. I have an ipod now. Ever since I have been doing this blog, I've seen people doing something called a "shuffle meme", which was kinda intriguing for me, but alas - I could never participate because I don't own an ipod. But now I do!!!! The way you do it, is you set your iPod to "shuffle playlist" and answer the questions below by hitting next song on your 'pod. The name of the song that pops up is the answer to the question. And you can't cheat if you don't like the song that comes up, you have to put the first one on there. Even if you HATE it. Sooooooo........Here's my shuffle meme, read !!!

How does the world see me?

We like to Party! - By the Vengaboys....

**Allright, so this is starting to pan out kinda weird for me. I'm sure a lot of you see me as a wild/crazy kinda chicka, really. although.....we just had some friends over for drinks......But Look!! Some of my husband's favorite songs are on my new 'pod. When I uploaded my playlist to it, some of my hubby's songs & Ashy's playlists morphed over onto mine. I have no control over the shuffle feature. Just a disclaimer for any future *weird* songs that might pop up. By the way... the Vengaboys is the Six Flags Theme Song with that weird bald guy doin' that hokey dance outside the bus...ya know it?

Will I have a happy life?

I'm too Sexy - Right Said Fred.

Urrrrm...... I think this was the song for the NEXT question (ya right!!!)

What do my friends really think of me?

Six Feet from the Edge - Creed.

Sooooooo....does this mean my friends think I'm "edgy"? Or suicidal?? WHAT??! omigod!! This meme will make me paranoid. You reckon it's true?

Do people secretly lust after me?

Are you gonna go my way - Lenny Kravitz.

Dude! I'm slutty!!!

How can I make myself happy?

How to save a life - The Fray.

Well. This one I can actually say is true. Because I love to help people. It truly does make me happy to be able to provide a solution to a problem that a friend is finding unsolveable. I only hope that a problem is never reached by any of my friends that I can't help with like the guy in this song is singing about.

Also - I was seriously hoping "I touch myself" by the DiVinyls did NOT shuffle thru on this question.

What should I do with my life?

Like a Prayer - Madonna

Heh. I guess I'm living my life on a wing & a prayer here?

Will I ever have children?

Guess that's why they call it the Blues - Elton John

Allright! Now this question was kind of a throwaway for me...we already KNOW I have kids. But this is funny. In my own little warped sense of humor funny to me only kind of way.

What is some good advice for me?

Days Go By - Dirty Vegas

See? This is another one of those songs off my husband's playlist. This is the theme song from one of those CAR commercials. He liked it, found it and downloaded it. Go find it. Play it. You'll recognize it - and probably buy a new car too....

How will I be remembered?

Tears in Heaven. - Eric Clapton

so this is kinda freaky. Also kind of offensive. Why would Heaven cry if I showed up? maaaan....

What is my signature dance song?

Cleanin' Out my Closet - Eminem

and the really funny thing here? Right now - you guys are tryin' your DAMNDEST to figure out my song style. From Eric Clapton to Eminem.....

What do I think my current theme song is?

Stay - Lisa Loeb

Yes!!! The dog order song!!!

What song will play at my funeral?

Just like a Pill - Pink

Well, now we all know my cause of death will be an overdose. Awesome. But for real -- I do know that I would love Green Day's "Time of your Life" played at my funeral. I don't care if I'm 80...I still love that song. And it really means everything I think in it. On to the next corny question!

What type of men do I like?

Walking on the Moon - Cas Haley

Apparently, I was supposed to marry Neil Armstrong. OH!!! Ashton saw a guy riding a bike on the highway.. She thought it was Neil Armstrong. (BWWWAAHAHAHAHAHAH)

What is my day going to be like?

She's always a woman to me - Billy Joel

AHHHHH!!! So good to know I won't sporadically grow a penis today!! I'll sleep well tonight...

posted by Norman at 7:10 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Darling Nikki
Knew a girl named Nikki
Guess you could say
She was a sex fiend.

Met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine!!

See what e-mail harrassment gets you on my blog?? A little ditty about ya sung by Prince.
Remember when that song was just Kinda like Nikki. Ah. Don't worry. She won't be pissed at me for poking fun at her. For proof...see #36 .

Anywho. Joking aside, Nicki was e-mailing me, checking in to make sure I was okay since I seem to be particularly NEGLECTFUL of this blog.

I agree. Especially since I've had so much blogable crap happening lately. Take for instance, that I fell down the stairs at my house the other day. It's amazing you know. Really. And before I go into the particulars, I do have a question for everyone.

Anybody want a cat? Or two cats? Any takers, just let me know.

Okay. So. Here's how it happened:

Ever since I ran the crazy woman off (see last post), I've come to believe that she is trying to kill me using some sort of weird elderly woman/witch karma mojo mambajamba crap.

Cause I don't fall down stairs. I mean, I'm not the most GRACEFUL of people, but I don't fall down stairs. Especially with two small children in a bathtub that require constant monitoring because Ethan keeps trying to make Avery sleep wit da fishies. I would give them baths independantly, but hell - I'm lazy, it's a waste of water, and they're little so they don't really care that they see each other in all their glory.

While making sure that Ethan didn't hold his sister down for yet another prolonged dunk, the phone rang. My man had taken my daughter and a friend to the 3-D Hannah Montana price-gouging movie, so it was just me and the merpeople. Thinking his brain might be melting because he was having to listen to 500 pre-pubescent girlies screaming to the lastest fad, I headed downstairs to grab the phone.

Which is when the two cats that are on my shit-list decided to kamikaze me. One ran between my feet, the other ran behind me and swear to God PUSHED. (I really think he did. Which is why I think the old witched left some hex-powder hanging around).

So down I went, merrily bouncing my head off the banister, and vaguely noticing my ass was trying to flip over my head led by my feet.

And the entire time? I was worried that I wouldn't be able to reach the phone to dial 911 when I broke my neck. After what took what felt like an eternity...I hit the bottom. And noticed two white objects skitter across the floor....small...tooth-shaped objects. SHIT!!! My Teeth! I flung my hand up to my mouth, and sliced the crap out of my cheek. OW! Nope. Teeth are intact. Small white objects were my nails which broke off at an evil slant..effectively become shanks that any inmate would envy.

I writhed about on the ground for awhile, and made sure nothing was seriously broken...other than my nails, my pride, and my wallet because the damn people that do my nails charge me fore EACH BROKEN NAIL. Two were broken and now considered lethal weapons, and 4 were split. Not on ze left side, not on ze right side. But Right! In! Ze! Meedle!!! (yeah. for insight on that reference, watch Hot Dog! The Movie). I finally decided I could move, and crawled back up to the bathroom to check on the kids. Both were peering at me from the tub. "Mommy! What was that noise!?"

"oh. I fell down the stairs." I tried to be nonchalant about it. Mistake. Since the kids don't see tears, this is now considered....FUNNY! BWWWAAAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHA!!! Meanwhile, still trying to do a damage assessment, I rolled up my jeans leg. Big purple bruises are already forming (I'm very pale, and if a butterfly runs into me, I bruise) One of the forming bruises has ruptured and is bleeding. Which made the laughter stop. And then they turned into the biggest little sweeties ever. Two naked little wet bodies launched out of the tub to give me big hugs. Then I was covered in Dora and Scooby Doo bandaids, because, of course, bandaids make everything better.

I started to feel better, got the kids dressed and waited for my other half to come home so I could grab some muscle relaxers and chug a beer.

HOWEVER... when he got home -- he brought in the mail. Which contained a jury summons. For me. For Valentine's Day. Yay. And then to top it all off??

I'm scheduled for a root canal on Friday.

Oh yeah. Witch sprinkled bad vibes for SURE before she left.

But hey...on the bright side - jury duty will give me something to write about later!

Stay tuned kiddies!
posted by Norman at 8:21 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Saturday, February 02, 2008

Sweet victory.

The old bat is gone. Apparently - I pissed her off because I woke up this morning.

For real.

Now let me go find all the hair I ripped out this past week and try to poke it back into my scalp.

posted by Norman at 9:00 AM | Permalink | 4 comments
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