Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Oh calm down.

It's not a ghost post. Although, I sorta miss my wee ghostie. Not.

But lately, someone's been pranking me. It's gotten to the point that we're about to make the phone company trace the calls. They call me only on my cell, and it involves a lot of heavy breathing. But not in a good way. Sort of like a cross between Darth Vader and Kermit the Frog after he's gone down on Miss Piggy one too many times (which is too many times.)

And it's sorta scary. I was telling my coworkers about the pranking, and saved one of the messages for them. They laughed at first, then they got freaked out. Really strange.

But hey!! Let's have some Mexican Language Lessons! Ready?

Your new Mexican word of the day: "Hootchie"

This is really a Mexican word! Observe:

"When my girlfriend found another girl's name in my phone, she said "You better tell me hootchie is asshole!"

Want another one? OK! Here: "Texas"

Used in a sentence? "My boyfriend, he texas me too much during the day"

One more? "Jupiter"

Sentence use: "Jupiter get to work pendejo. The supervisor is coming".

Bueno Bye!
posted by Norman at 7:46 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Saturday, April 12, 2008

See this?

It's my new ride:

I just couldn't bring myself to buy a mini-van.. and this one was SCREAMING at me!

sadly though.. We must all bow our heads and bid adieu to the Yellow Submarine:

Good bye my yellow lovliness....I never had sex in you, but I loved you anyway...

posted by Norman at 9:07 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Norman - 2: Neighbor's 0
I'm guessing I won't be invited to any block parties anytime soon.

The neighbor that lives a few houses down from me is pretty pissed at me. I say: So What!?

So here's my open letter to my neighbor.

Dear Neighbor.

Yes I know you've lived here longer than me. I feel it is important that you recognize we live on a CUL DE SAC. And that CUL DE SAC is at the very end of a neighborhood that has a DEAD END STREET. This means we have NO THRU TRAFFIC.

As such, it is a safe area for the kids to play in the big large round part of the CUL DE SAC.

We've been here for 8 months. You've seen TONS of kids playing in the cul de sac. Not just my kiddos, but the rest of the neighborhood cul de sacs are full of rugrats too.

It's a safe bet to drive at a slow speed down the street because you know there are many many children around.

So the next time your teenage brat hauls ass around the corner and almost drives over my 6 year old, you can bet your ass I will be out there AGAIN reading your teen aged menace the riot act.

Simply saying "stay out of the road" doesn't cut it. Us grownups are standing there on the corner to watch for cars and to holler to the kids to move out of the way. When your speed demon ignores our waving arms and frantic screams, it's pretty much a given that I'm going to hop on her when she sashays out of her car as if she's done nothing wrong.

Shooting nasty looks at me and saying "watch out for the children dear" is not a good apology for almost killing my son.

Bitch. Next time my kids play ball out there, I'll tell them to aim for your windows...


posted by Norman at 6:48 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Oh Yes I DID!
I have a semi-secret to tell you. I smoke. It's a semi-secret because my children do not know. My reason? I don't want them to see me. Kids monkey their parents, and it's bad enough that my husband smokes in view of them. The reason I continue to dodge their eyes are because I also see them give him grief. Which is good. Sort of. I just don't want them to pick it up solely because we both do. And don't tell me the odds are stacked against them. I see too many smoking parent families where only one parent smokes and the kids are opposed to smoke.

But anyhooooooooo.... I digress.

We were out visiting with our neighbors, when our other neighbor finally decided to come over and introduce himself....after almost of year of living here. Little late, but hey - I'm game.

So he introduces himself to everyone, and looks at me and says within earshot of my kids, (and in a thick Asian accent), "Oh yes! I see you smoking by house!" Insert smug grin here.

To which I replied:

"And I see YOU pissing of your porch!"

Grin ... gone
Neighbor...gone (ran inside house)

I don't think I'll be invited to his next party.
posted by Norman at 6:22 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Open Letter to the Weirdo on my Blog
Dear Weirdo.

Yeah, I know I don't post as frequently as I used to. But please do not feel this is an invitation to usurp my blog and post your freaky-ass, crazy-man manifestos under the comments section of my site.


I'll give you this. You write exceptionally well for a delusional person. You actually kept my interest for about 5 minutes. But after reading for this amount of time, (and frankly, once you explained your position on how females are superior to males), I decided everything else was just glurge and rumbled on to create THIS post.

However - the questions that came to me after reading the book comment you left on an old post are these:

1. Exactly HOW much time do you have on your hands?

2. Does the institution KNOW you have jacked their 'puter ?

3. Do you really believe this stuff you wrote?

4. Do you have a concealed weapons permit?

5. How much crack do you smoke a day?

6. Are you aware that the above mentioned crack has already caused damage?

6. Do your friends run away when they see you coming?

7. Are you aware that I posted #6 twice?

8. Do you have a bazillion books of "Catcher in the Rye" stacked willy-nilly in your house?

9. Were you breast-fed? Until you went to high school?

10. How many times has someone tried to kill you in an attempt to "weed out the idiots?"

Phew! Wow!

That diatribe you posted sure left me with a lot of questions, but hey - I'm sure if I read longer on your ramble, I'll find more questions to have you answer.

Remember to control the weirdo population, consider sterilization. And don't forget your daily intake of MOAI inhibitors.


posted by Norman at 7:56 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
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