Monday, April 30, 2007
all together now: awwwwwwwww
Tonsillectomy's aren't any fun. Just ask this guy:

Yup. This is one unhappy child. He wants THESE back in his throat:

I'll have you know that those things are staying up on the fireplace mantel until I can find my hot-glue gun & seal the damn thing shut. I'm not saying he's actually gonna open the damn thing, but given our track record -- I'm just trying to be safe.

So he gave us a couple of scares during his surgery, like - continually barfing after he came out of recovery... That's a bad deal following a tonsillectomy. Finally - the nurses shot him up with some phenergan and that seemed to cure him. Now the biggest challenge is making him drink at least 50 ounces of water a day. That doesn't sound like a lot to big people like you and me...but if you want to try to put it in perspective, try guzzling a water cooler with a ripped up throat.

He's not happy. But popsicles make a nice break from Kool-aid!

And remember the unhappy bird I showed you a few posts back? Well - she sat out the frigid winter weather, and managed to hatch two of her three eggs!!

Can you see them? Aren't they the FUGLIEST things EVER? I'm way too excited! We watch her feed them all day long. Big fat nasty worms & bugs. The kids are thoroughly disgusted, but can't seem to pry themselves away from the Wild Kingdom that is our kitchen window. And if we go outside - the damn Mom & Pop birds swoop us. It's my frickin' house. And for that matter - that was my hanging flower basket that the birds killed!!!

Damn ingrates.

posted by Norman at 8:12 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Where does he come up with this stuff?
I took the Ethanator to the hospital today for some pre-surgical blood tests. Being the kind of person that I am...I of course did not tell him that he was going in for BLOOD tests. I simply told him "Lab Work". No problems. He was be-bopping his way into the lab when he noticed the needles.

Lots of them.

Hey - you know how in cartoons all of a sudden you hear the AAAAHHOOOOGAAA horns and the characters eyes pop out of their heads? Yeah. I was reminded of it today.

Anyway - he did what all kids do and attempted to talk his way out of it. "Ummm... I don't think I need any shots today lady, okay? Mommy! Let's go home!"

"No buddy. You have to have a little bit of labwork done. It'll be okay!! I promise!!" "No Mommy PLLLLLLLEAAASE!!!!! IDON'TWANNASHOOOOOOOT!!!!!"

dammit. I hate taking them for shots and bloodwork. It's always heartbreaking. But - thankfully the labwork lady was pretty good and he only shrieked for a little bit.

Then came the big tears. They just rolled down his cheeks while he wailed pitifully. I felt wretched. It was over quickly and the lab tech pulled the needle out of his arm and began to fill the vial. Trying to distract him, I told him to look at what she was doing. "Ethan!! Look!! Look!! See your blood?! Isn't that cool!!"

He glanced over at it. Sniffled a second and burst out in fresh wails. "I wanna take it home with me!! I wanna take it hooooooomeee!!!"

"You want to take it home? Why!? The doctor needs it so he can make sure everything looks good before your surgery!"

"I wanna take it home with me so that I can remember how it was when we were together! I want to remember the good times I had when it was just me and my blood!! WWAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

And I think that is when the lab tech lost it. I was having a hard time trying not to laugh myself. She had to leave the room because he was being dead-serious about "remembering the good times". Honestly. I just put him to bed and he is STILL talking about his blood. I kissed him good night and he said "Mommy. Do you think my blood misses me? Do you think blood has a brain?" " Blood is what helps your brain stay healthy. Blood is food for your brain. It brings oxygen to all your brain cells."

"Oh. Well - do you think my brain misses my blood? I think it does because my brain says that it wants my blood back"

The conversation went on and on, and what we have decided is this: On Monday when he sees the doctor, he is going to ask him for the leftover blood from his labwork so that he can keep it in his room and show his friends. He also wants his tonsils in a cup and everynow and then, he is going to feed his tonsils so that they'll get oxygen and stay healthy.

Me? I plan on having a pre-surgical conference with the doctor and forewarn him that there will be NO LEFTOVER BLOOD given to my child.

oh - and by the way...he also says that Avery kicked him in his TENTACLE. He also says he wishes very much that she never kicked him there ever again.


posted by Norman at 7:20 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Sunday, April 22, 2007
My Dog
My dog is quite possibly the nastiest creature in the world at this time.

I was looking at him - and he's sitting on the ground outside, with his backpaws up near his ears, and scraping his booty along the cement.

So I went outside and called to him to see if I could find out what the problem was. I found out alright.

Apparently - he got into the trash and ate some saran wrap.

This saran wrap is now hanging out of his butt. What the hell am I supposed to do? I am NOT pulling it out. I'd wait for my man to come home and do it - but that's next weekend.

And he keeps sniffing at his butt, but he won't yank it out himself.

Do you think I should bring him to a vet and have him pull it out? I can't just leave it there.

On a scale of 1 - 10...10 being the grossest... I think this qualifies as a 12.
posted by Norman at 12:47 PM | Permalink | 18 comments
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Dream Time
Hey! I had a dream last night and remembered it! Usually - I never remember my dreams. They have to be very vivid for me to remember them. AND, if I remember them - I generally remember them in detail.

Now - it's not surprising that I had a vivid dream that I remember, what with all the turmoil going on. However - I'm going to take this dream as a POSITIVE thing, because....well - you'll see.

Usually - the vivid dreams that I remember are about tornados. I only dream about tornados when I have a major upheaval in process. Well, I think my life qualifies as upheaved right now.

I dreamt that I was in a small town (go figure), and the tornado sirens started going off. My husband and I (I think my kiddos were at my parents) quickly ran for a 'shelter' of sorts, which turned out to be a concrete-like building with a large metal swimming pool in the middle of the room. (Whoever said dreams were normal?) We jumped into the metal pool along with about 15 other people, and waited. We began to hear the howl of the winds, then an ominous silence. All of a sudden, a loud noise (the typical freight-train noise you always hear about), enveloped us and the entire room spun up into the air. Everyone in the metal pool was screaming - including my husband and I who were clutching each other for dear life. We spun up up up and away - like a ginormous frisbee (like I said, dreams are weird), and crashed into a large tree. We live in the Panhandle. I don't know WHY there was a tree in my dream. I lifted my head - shaken, and saw a huge tornado spinning away from us and lifting back up into the clouds. Gone.

Miraculously - my husband and I were fine, exhilarated, and began to help the others. Then I woke up.

Now see - I want to view this as a positive thing. Even though there was destruction around us - we were okay, and together. Usually - we spin apart and can't find each other. I think this dream means that we'll be okay through all the junk we're going through.

And WHAT junk are we going through? This:

Selling a house.
Trying to care for the kids by myself
Trying to buy a house.
Quitting my beloved job.
Starting a new job.
Ethan needs surgery (tonsillectomy)
He's very ill right now (two visits to the emergency room last night)
Crazy schedule at work right now (back to back presentations of 200 people each)
Trying to find some downtime for myself (ain't happening)


Maybe it's no wonder I dreamt of tornados. Or maybe it's because it's tornado season in the Panhandle and I think we're going to get hit today with one because they're calling for severe weather this afternoon.

I don't know. But in the meantime, I'll view that dream as proof that my husband & I can stick together during this tornadic time in our lives...

posted by Norman at 9:02 AM | Permalink | 5 comments
Sunday, April 15, 2007
I'm back
I'm never going to Vegas EVER AGAIN. Until next year.
posted by Norman at 8:45 AM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, April 12, 2007

I need $20.00 for cab fare to the airport!!!
posted by Norman at 6:21 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
On Vay-Cay
That's right... I'm on vacation! I'm goin' to VEGAS BAAAYBEEEEE!!

My man is bringing his laptop, so if I'm not too busy winning the mega-million jackpot, I'll try to throw in a post or two.

I plan on:

Hitting the poker room
Running the roulette wheel
Stuffing my face at the awesome Paris buffet
Swigging all the free alcohol I can get my hands on
Crying like a baby when I lose my kid's college tuition
Having a large time

So - think of me, and keep your fingers crossed that my lucky numbers of 7, 24, 13, 17, 8, 5 show up on the roulette wheel... and if Sam-I-am were there, I'd beat the crap out of him if I win!! (Like I did last time, but he rarely reads this blog anymore....)

oh. And the only shadow over my great time is that I have not had an actual job offer yet from the VLC. Now - they called yesterday, and asked me to fax my old college transcript to them. I have THAT just sitting around. Luckily - my current University had a copy of it so I convinced them to fax it to the number VLC left. They only gave me a fax number - no real phone numbers - so that I could verify they received now I'm on pins and needles wondering what's going on. I'm afraid they're going to call and when I'm not home, retract a job offer. DOH!! If that happens - I'd better damn well win the frickin' jackpot so that maybe I'll never have to work....ever again.

And STACIE -- I left you a message on your phone last night!! You can e-mail me if you'd like, but I won't be able to submit any orders until Saturday!!

posted by Norman at 9:01 AM | Permalink | 5 comments
Sunday, April 08, 2007
And a Happy Easter was had by all!

Well. I was worried that this Easter would suck. I mean, after all -- yesterday, THIS was the scene outside my house:

Sucks, huh? This bird was hating life:

That's a robin that laid some eggs in my plant which will now die because I cannot in good conscience let myself pour water on that nest. The plant is toast. If you look closely - you can see snow on the mama bird's back.

However, it warmed up to 30 degrees today, which enabled the kids to have some Easter Fun. This means the Great Confetti Egg Fight was a huge success. I had 6 dozen confetti eggs. They lasted all of 5 minutes.

Check it out!! Ethan just let that yellow egg fly at his cousin Peyton, and Ashton had just nailed her grandfather and was about to pay the Piper.

Even Avery got in the fun:

Actually, it was pretty much a free for all. The kids got too close to the grandmothers, and they went for it. Ethan's great-grandmother is pictured below about to smash an egg on him, and the kid's grandmother is gleefully tossing confetti on all the kids as they run around in a frenzy:

But...just to show how fun the confetti egg fight was...the grownups started diving in to the egg cache, and this would be one of my favorite pictures of the day.

This is my husband's 86 year old grandmother going after my brother in law:

Happy Easter guys! From me to you!

posted by Norman at 6:52 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Saturday, April 07, 2007
waiting game
I'm BACK! See? I'm good! Some of you didn't even know I was gone!

I flew out Thursday night, did a job interview at the VLC, hopped in my car and drove for 10 hours to get home.

Got a speeding ticket, otherwise I would have made the trip in 8 hours. I thought it might be prudent to slow down after receiving the ticket. Here are the charges:

Going 57 in a 45mph (frickin' small towns. I hate 'em)
No proof of insurance (this was actually a strategic move on my part, I'll fill ya in shortly...)
Expired Registration
Expired Inspection

.....pissed me off

57 in a 45? Oh come on... I was coming in off 95mph. If that cop would have caught me then, he'd STILL have a boner from catching the HIGH SPEED CRIMINAL (that would be me). But, I pulled my wide-eyed innocent act, which is starting not to work as well since I'm getting older and all. Walked away with 2 warnings (no citations) for the expired registration and inspection. And 2 citations for the speeding & the non-proof thingie. Now let me let you know a secret. If you get hammered for no proof of insurance, all you have to do is fax a copy of the proof to the issuing court. They'll drop the ticket. And 9 times out of 10, they'll drop the speeding citation as well since it's issued on the same ticket. Gotta keep things simple in a small town. So we'll see how that goes. But - ya'll would do well to remember that in the future. Just don't show your proof of insurance if you KNOW you're gonna get a ticket.

But I think I NAILED that job interview. The pay is not great...but LISTEN to the benefits with the VLC:

32 paid days off
2 yearly bonuses... one is a Christmas bonus which is 2 weeks pay, the second is an annual bonus which is anywhere from 10 - 15% of your annual salary
free life insurance
full medical, dental and vision
401(k) with 6% employer matching, fully vested after 3 years
pension plan (I've never had a pension plan before!!)

...and to take the sting out of the not great pay, they give you 3 performance reviews in the first 18 months with the potential to get a raise each time, because the theory is....if VLC feels that you're doing a good job, they'll pay you to stay, and make it worth your while.

Also - as far as the bad pay is concerned, it's actually NOT bad pay as far as San Antonio is concerned. I've got to deal with the idea that I'm coming from a highly OVERPAID position (I'm not lying) with "allright benefits". So. This is about as good as I'm going to get for now.

Also, the VLC wants to hire people that are willing to expand and grow so they'll pay for college, and they ENCOURAGE people to use the college benefit.

So. I'll know by Wednesday if I have the job, but I kinda think I do...because the hiring manager talked to me for like 1 1/2 hours. Said he enjoyed talking with me.

AND!!! I made some friends in the lobby. I seem to do that easily. I just start talking to people and they open right up. In fact, before I went in for my interview, one of the other people waiting for an interview gave me their e-mail addy and told me to call them when I got home. She said that since I'd be moving back to San Antonio, I'd probably need some friends and she wanted to be on that list. LOL!! It was funny the way she worded it, but she was fun to talk with so I'll take her up on that offer. I lke friends! I met two other people and they wanted my e-mail as well, but I didn't give it to them because they were men and cute and I thought it would piss off my hubby.

So - I'll let you guys know if I get the job, but PLEASE SEND LUCK VIBES MY WAY!!

By the way - this is fair warning, but I'll be editing this post in a bit to show you some pictures... of what? You might ask...of the great outdoors. It's fricking SNOWING outside, lots. The day before Easter and it is SNOWING. I don't like snow. But then you knew that, didn't you?

posted by Norman at 11:10 AM | Permalink | 9 comments
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Ha. You nasty pervs that think this is a sex post can just move right along. Although....this does have to do with sweaty bodies...mmmmMMMmmmmMMMMM....

Not. I mean, yeah - it's got to do with sweaty bodies, but not the good ones. Not like the glistening rock hard bodies of hot men (wait...I'm envisioning the glistening rock hard bodies of hot men..... )

Ok. I just snapped out of it.

No. This is the sweaty body of a 50ish year old flabby man. Gross.

Now - If you're fiftyish, flabby and a man who happens to sweat a lot, don't worry. I'm not talking about YOU.

Nope. I'm talking about ONE man in particular. My neighbor-from-across-the-street. Him. Not you. So stop sulking.

But look. I really need to share this with you guys because it traumatized me so much, that I just can not suffer this in silence. I must share. And you guys are the lucky ones.

Tonight, I was at the sink trying to do dishes, when I noticed my neighbor-from-across-the-street in his yard doing yard work. No biggie. Then he turned around to pick something up off the grass, and I saw it.

He had the absolute sweatiest butt crack that I've even seen. A ginormous wet spot going from his waistband and disappearing down towards his....stuff.

I gagged. Gagged again, and tried to shut my eyes to the sight. But it's burned in my brain now forever.

And in the words of the illustrious Tammy: I can't like that.

OK!! I gotta go pack now and fill out an application for the VLC!!

posted by Norman at 7:40 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Well, even though Freak Magnet refused to cross her legs for me.... I GOT AN INTERVIEW WITH THE VERY LARGE COMPANY (VLC)!!!!!

Holy Crap! Now, here's the deal. They offered to interview me at MY convenience. Because "they understand that I'm coming in from out of town so THEY want to work with ME so that this will turn out as favorably as possible." OH!! I'm telling you....this is an AWESOME company. They are one of the top employers to work for in San Antonio.... I'm very excited.

But here are the problems: I can not do an interview next week, because I totally committed to some presentations next week, and already I have 600 people coming to hear me speak. So I'm stuck. I have to be there. That's on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday thru Friday I can not interview because...well -- damn it, I'm going to Vegas and a person just HAS to have their priorities in life straight! I'm just sayin'.

Then the next week, my boss told me she really needed me at work that week because again, I have a large number of people scheduled to present to, and I'm the only one that can be there (everyone else is on pre-scheduled travel). So, being the nice person that I am... I committed to that.

So basically, that leaves this week. After a few hundred phone calls to arrange child care and plane fare, here's what we came out with:

I have an interview scheduled for Friday. I am flying out on Thursday evening, interviewing on Friday, and then DRIVING back to Amarillo on Friday afternoon. Cause you know... it's Easter and all.

So forgive me if I'm not on for a few days. I'm going a wee bit insane!!

posted by Norman at 6:25 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Monday, April 02, 2007
This is absolutely amazing.

You guys have just got to take this quiz. It's GREAT!

QUIZ <---- (That's the link. You should click it.)

Ok!! Don't forget to post your results for me to see!

posted by Norman at 7:28 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Sunday, April 01, 2007
well. that went a little better
I just shut my house up. We conducted an open house today. It's ever so much fun to watch total and complete strangers traipse thru your house, criticizing your taste in decor. I insisted on being present this time, after the panty-incident.

We got about 40 walk-thrus. Most of them felt my humble abode was "very cute".

So buy it already. If you're not gonna buy it, then get the hell out! I'm not very gracious.

I, being the opportunist that I am -- shamelessly promoted my Pampered Chef to all open house attendees. Hopefully, I sell my house AND some stoneware!

But the most fun was the last couple that came through my house. They wandered in, nodded to me, and proceeded to photograph it. Each and every room. I just sat back and watched. Then I mentioned to them that the house is already photo'd and posted on the internet. I was about to play paparazzi-buster on them and demand the memory card, until....they told me they were from the newspaper, and doing a story on realtors.

I think my attitude shifted dramatically after that.

They asked me about the realtor I had picked, and how I came to that decision. They also wanted to know what I did to make my house "ready" and how I felt about the service I was receiving from my realtor. Again - being the opportunist that I am, marketed my realtor and sung their frickin' praises. They took down all my answers, asked if they could use my name (yes!! and post my address too, I added), and left. So then I called my realtor and informed him that they should give me a steep discount on any and all commissions seeing as how I made them sound like the greatest thing since sliced bread.

So we'll see.

And now I must go disinfect all my toilets, because apparently everyone that came thru here felt the need to mark their territory.


**************EDIT ALERT****************


I just got a freaking e-mail from eBay. Apparently - some asswipe has conducted ILLICIT ACTIVITY on my account to open an anonymous e-mail account USING MY CREDIT CARD.

I just contacted eBay via their live help option...AND IT IS NOT A SPOOFED EMAIL. This has really happened.

posted by Norman at 3:08 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
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