Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Well of COURSE I'm going to post my kiddo's cutsie wootsie Halloween costumes!! Of COURSE I am! Halloween just happens to be our favorite holiday around here, because it's the only time of the year that we get candy for NOTHING! By the time we get home, it's too late for trick-or-treaters... and so we never have to buy candy! At least - that's the plan. And it usually works!! We're sticking it to da man!! Well, not really, but I just wanted to say I was sticking it to da man.

But here are our Halloween Spooks!

Ethan was (if you can't tell) Thomas the Tank. For those of you who don't have kids, this is a toy that ALL THE LITTLE BOYS IN THE WORLD MUST HAVE. For reals. 'Cause it's just not right if you don't have Thomas the Tank. Or so Ethan would have you believe. I think I have spent my entire future retirement fund on Thomas the Tank accessories. dammit.

Avery was originally going to be a pink poodle, but due to some last minute personality snafus - the child ended up in Ethan's old Halloween costume as... a skunk. As in - stinky child. APPARENTLY, she's going to start the terrible two's early. We felt the skunk costume fit her so much better.

I was really excited with Ashton's costume. This is the first year...the FIRST YEAR that we did not have to dress her as the requisite princess. Nope. This year, she wanted to be the Corpse Bride. So that's what we did. I think it turned out very well. She liked it. And I have my eye on that hat. I think I liked it a lot. My husband said I don't need hers because I have my very own magical witch hat that comes out whenever I'm pissed. Whatever.

But we got lots of loot and had a great time! The scariest part of Halloween for me this year, was when we went by my bosses house. (I'm not a kiss-ass, but my boss mentioned that she got my kids a special trick or treat gift. I couldn't NOT go!!) On the way to her house - my children began arguing over who would tell her our news that we're MOVING. HOLY CRAP!! So we stopped the car and basically LECTURED the young'uns on not spilling the beans yet. Ethan told us (cause he thought we were kidding) that he was going to tell her anyway, at which point we threatened the child. With no trick-or-treating. That did the trick. Nary a word was said about our upcoming move. Phew!

Well, crap. I had lots of pictures to share, but blogger's being bitchy. So maybe I'll post them later!! It depends on if you guys want to see them or not.

Oh - and I suppose I could tell you about the creepy ghost thingie that happened tonight...but nope. It'd be too cliche for me to post it on Halloween of all nights. I'd get probably get accused of making shit up because it's Halloween and all. So it'll have to wait for another night. But it was FREAKY.

Happy Halloween!!


posted by Norman at 7:46 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Monday, October 30, 2006
Yeah, I'm closing it now while Liberace is winning cause I'm sick of staring at the ass-side of the naked cowboy. What is WRONG with you people leaving him up for so long?! He's not even a real cowboy! I know what real cowboys look like. I see them here all..the..time... Yep. Really. I'll be at the mall and all of a sudden I hear ching ching ching kaching... Nope - not a cash register. It's the cowpokes walking around with their dadgummed spurs on scratching up the floor.

Cowtown. I live in a cowtown. BUT NOT FOR LONG! My husband turned in his resignation today.

My tummy hurts.

We're very scared, but I honestly believe this is a good move for us. Yeah - I'll be giving up a kick-ass job, but I'm thinking I can find another just as kick-ass as this one - if not better. (How's that for positive thinking?) In the meantime, I just need to find a sucker to buy this money pit hellhole happy house that has been my home for the last four years.

HEY!! Any of you'uns out there moving to Amarillo and need a home?! Let me know!

posted by Norman at 7:14 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The Weekend Poll (Halloween Edition)
Allrighty!! In honor of Halloweenie, I used a DEAD celebrity as the contestant for the weekend poll.

The question you face this week is:

Who would be MORE FUN to go Trick-or-Treating with?!

Naked Cowboy



Who would be MORE FUN to go Trick-or-Treating with?!
Naked Cowboy
Free polls from Pollhost.com


**Oh - and fair warning. Posting *might* become sorta sporadic on my part here pretty soon....my husband starts work in San Antonio in a couple of weeks, and I'll be a temporary single mommy. But! I'll do my best to update you guys!!!

posted by Norman at 7:23 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Friday, October 27, 2006
I did the Macarena with a squirrel because that's how I roll.
Yep. That's me. Dancing the Macarena with a rodent.

Wanna know what you do?

Check out the lists below. Find your birth month, and use the first part of the sentence there. Then go to your birth date (2nd list) and find the middle part of the sentence, then do the third list (color of your shirt) to find out the ending.

Post your sentence in the comments - cuz I wanna see what you end up with!

Doin' the Macarena now!!

Pick the month you were born:

January ----- I kicked
February ------ I loved
March ------ I smoked
April ----- I dry humped
May ------ I choked on
June ----- I murdered
July -----I did the Macarena with
August ----- I had lunch with
September ------ I danced with
October ------ I sang to
November ----- I yelled at
December ----- I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1 ----- a birdbath
2 ----- a monster
3 ----- a phone
4 ----- a fork
5 ----- a Mexican
6 ----- a gangster
7 ----- my cell phone
8 ----- my dog
9 ----- my best friend's boyfriend
10 ----- my neighbor
11 ----- my science teacher
12 ----- a banana
13 ----- a fireman
14 ----- a stuffed animal
15 ----- a goat
16 ----- a pickle
17 ----- your mom
18 ----- a spoon
19 ----- myself
20 ----- a baseball bat
21 ----- a ninja
22 ----- Chuck Norris
23 ----- a noodle
24 ----- a squirrel
25 ----- a football player
26 ----- my sister
27 ----- my brother
28 ----- an ipod
29 ----- a permanent marker
30 ----- a llama
31 ----- a homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White ----- because I'm cool like that.
Black ----- because that's how I roll.
Pink ----- because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red ------ because the voices told me to.
Blue ----- because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green ----- because I hate myself.
Purple ----- because I'm cool.
Gray ----- because I was drunk.
Yellow ----- because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars.
Orange ----- because I hate my family.
Brown ----- because I smoked crack.
Other ----- because I'm a ninja.
None ------ because I can't control myself.

I wanna see your sentences!!! So there!
posted by Norman at 4:31 PM | Permalink | 26 comments
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Please stand by....
I'm experiencing technical difficulties -- namely, my brain has been frozen due to the increased intake of margaritas I've been consuming ever since I mistakenly pulled a huge boner of a mistake.

so - please stand by while I slip out of panic mode and into drunkenville. In the meantime - I'll entertain you with a joke I received from my very best friend in the wholewideworld. Because if you're here... you're expecting to be entertained and I'll not have you leave unsatisfied. Thank you...


She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home..... including the curtain rods.

posted by Norman at 9:01 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
It's all WEIRD
Now see -- sometimes I wonder where my husband's head is.

Really. I go looking around the house to see if he's been sticking it in the oven and inhaling fumes.

After yesterday's post about this company that has been actively recruiting my hubby, I decided to do a little researching. I looked up the company on the 'net (ahhh...you just gotta love the internets!) and discovered much info about this company.

It's been written up in Wikipedia for God's sake. And it's not a very flattering write up I might add.

Oh - it's a legit company allright. But still. I would be leery of working for a company where they seem to have LOTS of lawsuits filed against them....for SPAMMING. Not just any spam either. This is TEXT MESSAGING spamming where it costs YOU to receive said spam.

Of course - my ethics are kicking in and I'm telling the dude that we're not going to move to San Diego to go work for a company that just might wake up one day and say "Sorry guys, we can't pay your salaries cause we got slammed with a multi-million lawsuit." Nope. Not gonna do it.


My husband is STILL talking to the recruiter guy like it's a possibility.

This is where Norman is putting her foot down.


I'll move to San Antonio - or stay here, but I'm not leaving Texas. Besides, California is supposed to fall into the ocean sooner or later, and then I'll be that much closer to the ocean. Right?

So thanks to all of you guys with your advice. Ya'll are pretty smart!!!

On the up side for me (and yes - sooner or later I will stop the shameless plugging of my little side business), I have closed yet ANOTHER show for my Pampered Chef!!

When you sign on to PC, you are supposed to achieve at least $1250 in sales each month for the first three months. If you do - you not only earn commissions, but you also earn FREE STUFF.

People - I have DOUBLED my first month's requirement!! And October isn't even over. I have two more shows to submit for this month, and 3 already booked for next month. I'm too excited! I've been trying to close one of the shows for 3 days now, and I keep getting people asking to order stuff. I'm like, "what the hell? I'm supposed to be chasing YOU down to buy stuff -- not the other way around!!" But hey - I'll take their order!!

So - anyone up for doing a catalog show in December? I have one booked, I need to book one more to earn EXCITING NEW SPRING PRODUCTS! Come on... you KNOW you wanna do it!!


posted by Norman at 8:17 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Here's a kink in the plans
Ok. I'm just trying to talk out some thoughts here. You all know that my husband was offered a job in San Antonio. In a fit of curiousity - my husband decided to post his resume on Monster to see how "marketable" he was (meaning: what other offers could he get, and for how much?). The issue now - is a job offer where the guy is actively recruiting my husband, luring him with promises of a $25,000 SIGNING BONUS (holy crap!), relocation costs, AND a highly competetive salary. WOW!! That's waaaaay better than the San Antonio offer. But it's in San Diego, CA. whoa

I don't think I'm ready for California. More importantly - I don't think California is ready for me. Really. And aren't there earthquakes in San Diego?

Now see - in San Antonio, I have family, and I used to live there, so that's a pro. In San Diego, I'll know NOBODY, and isn't it expensive to live there? I was fooling around with the "cost of living calculator" and it said if we made $100,000 in Amarillo, to live comparably in San Diego - we'd need $150,000. (Those are just numbers I threw in there for a comparison...not indicative of a real amount...mmmm'kay?) And there's earthquakes there.

But a $25,000 signing bonus and relocation....wow. That's hard to say no to.

Any thoughts anyone?
posted by Norman at 7:15 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Sunday, October 22, 2006
In my Inbox
Oh sheeeeeeee-yiiiitt!!! I gotta share this one with you guys!! Now - you gotta understand BEFORE you read this, that this was sent to me from one of my friends that ALWAYS sends me those "Jesus loves you" e-mails, and the ones that say "Send this to 50,789,543 people or God will smite you" Seriously.. so maybe that's why THIS was so funny to me. Or maybe it's just funny:

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter". Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him ...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian,wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed!"

Have a great Monday guys!! Maybe this will start your week off with a smile?
posted by Norman at 8:16 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Saturday, October 21, 2006
And now!! The Weekend Poll!
Allrighty then!! Let's discuss the rules first!

The Rules:

1. You must vote
2. See rule #1

Ok. Now that we've got that settled! Hey - have you seen all the LOOT that Spicy Cracker received in her Pampered Chef Show that I did for her?? NO??? Holy Cow!! Go look!! She's got a picture of it HERE! If ANY of you guys are interested in doing a "catalog" show, you get free stuff, and you're helping your favorite blogger out!! (Ummm... that would be me). So enough shameless plugging about my side-business.

Here's the weekend poll!

Who would be more fun to drink beer with?

Naked Cowboy



Who would be more fun to drink beer with?
Naked Cowboy
Naked Fireman
Free polls from Pollhost.com

posted by Norman at 3:23 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Hey guys! I feel much more better!! Firecrotch says "Thank you for the Well Wishes"

Now don't call me Firecrotch anymore... (thanks Wide Lawns!! LOL!!)

Earlier in this blog - I talked about possibly signing up to be a Pampered Chef consultant. Well - I did, and Spicy Cracker graciously offered to host a show for me (thanks again chicky!!)

Since Spicy's first show, I have turned in a total of four shows and I made my REWARD quota for the month already!! AND I get COMMISSION CHECKS!! You know what this means??


I just had a show tonight, and in the course of 2 hours (oh, and 3 guests aside from the hostess) - managed to sell $590 worth of stuff. And the 3 people signed up to have a show at their house. And I have a show this Saturday. I'm soooooo going to Vegas!!!

But - that was my original plan with my commission checks. Save 'em up and head to the Strip, right?

Now the idea for the spending of the new commission checks has changed because of THIS:

My hubs ACCEPTED the job down south... and is leaving next month to live down there while he decides if it's where he wants to live or not. (We're MOVING people!!) In the meantime - I've got to try to sell this house. And the carpet is for shit. So now I'm thinking I need to use my commission checks to put towards new carpeting/flooring for the house. ( I don't like the idea of a carpet allowance because the carpet is so yucky - I'm afraid it will detract from the actual value of the house)

So... life changes are a'coming.

In the meantime - I leave you with this pic....it's a painted ceiling in a smoker's break room (and yeah - I'm a smoker!!)

Peace out guys!!! I have a messy kitchen to go clean!


posted by Norman at 8:58 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Hey Guys!!! What's UUUUP????????? I know I know - I sound awfully chipper for someone who's having a bad day ...hmmmm??

Well it's like this - either cry or laugh - so I'll laugh. AHHAHHAAHAHAAAA!!

See?? Better all ready.

I woke up this morning with a rip-roaring bladder infection. From out of the blue. I had no flippin' clue I had this monster coming on. But I realized I had a bladder infection when I started pissing blood. Yep. Fun times. I called in to work, and told them that I had a small medical emergency (just a "wee" one HAHAHAHAHAHAH) and off to the doctor I went (after prying my hands off the toilet paper roll from where I was clutching it in my pain. PAIN!!!!!!
So - I get to the doctor, and they ask me to pee in a cup. I asked them if they were sure - cause really - they got a full waiting room out there and do they really want me to scare everyone off with my shrieks of pain. But no - they made me pee. And then they insisted on checking my stomach for bruises to make sure that my hubs hadn't been playing "punching bag" with my kidneys because of the amount of blood that appeared. FUN TIMES let me tell you.

So now I'm on Cipro, and AZO and cranberry juice, and I decided what the hey - let's go to work because I sure as hell don't feel like jacking around with the damn ghost in my house. (I refuse to stay home alone). Work wasn't bad - it was the drive home. We NEVER have traffic. Ever. Unless some jackass decides to rob a store, and elude the police by driving the wrong way on the highway, smashing up cars and attempting to carjack another car from a woman with kids at WalMart before getting tackled by 3 men on the side of the highway. Ok. I'm done with my runon sentence now. Needless to say - traffic was waaaaay bad. Which gave me a headache, which has subsequently topped off my day.

And I bought some stuff for my headache. It's called "Head On", but I'm unsure of how to use it.

Do I need to apply it directly to the forehead?
Do I need to apply it directly to the forehead?
Do I need to apply it directly to the forehead?
posted by Norman at 4:24 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Sunday, October 15, 2006
oh no. i'm old. i'm turning into my mother. i'm old
I'll tell you what. This "Emo" phase better be overwith by the time my girls start dating. I was talking to my friend's 15 year old daughter last night. She kinda borders on the "goth" look, only without all the piercings. She's got the dark hair, black clothing, and pouty look down, but her mom (the one with good sense), won't let her put the bright red or purple streaks in her hair - no face piercings or tats, or black fingernail polish. She won't allow it. Such a smart mommy.

But I was talking to her, and she was actually not being so pouty. She was talking about a guy that she really really really really really really really really really really really really really really likes (and trust me, I'm deleting some of all the "really's" that she said) and was very excited because he was coming up to visit her here in a bit. She kept asking me if she looked good enough, and was her hair all right and did her make up look ok.... in other words, she was acting like a teen age girl with a crush. Then she started telling me how I should act when he showed up.

According to her, I could look at him, but I shouldn't stare at him. (I'm being taught etiquette by a 15 year old!?!) I shouldn't ask him any questions and really...it would be best if I just didn't talk to him at all. She didn't want me to hurt his feelings.

huh? Why shouldn't I talk? What's going on? I looked towards the girl's parents, and they were cracking up. "Why don't you tell her the rest of the story!!! " said the mommy to the 15 year old. "Yeah - tell me what's up. " I said "Why can't I talk to someone?? Last time I checked, I did whatever the hell I wanted to do." So she sorta mumbled that he was an Emo.

"He's a what? An Emu? Do you mean he's dressed up like an Emu for Halloween? That's weird!"

"No!!!!! Omigawd - he's like ... an EMO. You know - all dark and mysterious and they care!! They really CARE about me as a girl and things I feel and you know - they're just in touch with ME........." "....and they wear girl's jeans and makeup!!", said the girl's dad - interrupting her poetic speech about the virtue of the Emo.

OK - so by now I'm cracking up.... cause when we were younger - we called guys that wore women's clothing and makeup TRANNIES, which of course is short for Transvestites. But apparently - I was wrong. As the girl was trying to tell me - this Emo is not as "whiney" as most Emos. So she really thinks he's deep. And he only wears girls pants - not their underwear.

okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. I'm old - cause I'm totally not getting it.

This trannie emo phase better be over by the time MY girls get old enough to date.

***OK , I forgot to add that the weekend poll is pretty tight. I will close it tomorrow when I get home from work - but make sure you vote !!!! This is a close race! ***
posted by Norman at 5:15 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Saddle Up!! It's the Weekend Poll Time
I've been trying to find someone to go up against the Naked Cowboy (Whoa there Freak Magnet.... I said go up against him...not RUB up against him).

You would not believe some of the images I found. This could be a fun poll series.

Don't you think it's funny that we started with Little Richard/Richard Simmons and we're with a Naked Cowboy so far? It's all relative!! LOL (Granted - I think I issued a do-over in one of the polls...but you know what I mean!)

I've got a cold. Everyone in my house has been sick. But it's not the kind of cold that knocks you on your ass. It's the kind where you just walk around and whine "I don't feel good. Would you clean the house for me?" 'Course, I have no pity points here because I'm the last one to come down with this. So everyone knows how sick I feel. Sucks to be me. (an idea hits Norman: ) HEY!!! -- guys - I don't feel good. Would one of ya'll clean my house? Puh-leeease???

You won't clean my house for me? Well phooey on you. Anyway - here's the weekend poll:

Which of these two is the more ridiculous
for trying to pass themselves off as a cowboy?


Which of these two is the more ridiculous for trying to pass themselves off as a cowboy?
Urban Cowboy
Naked Cowboy
Free polls from Pollhost.com


roflmao!!!!! I think a carnie commented on one of my posts !!!!!!(http://iamnorman.blogspot.com/2006/09/teasin-carnies-drunk-blogging-post.html)

i'm so.....very......clueless.....

posted by Norman at 8:27 AM | Permalink | 4 comments
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Nephew Update
Hey guys - my nephew had his MRI this morning, and the diagnosis of "Osteomylitis" has been confirmed. I'm not quite sure what this is - other than a bone infection. You can bet that I'm reading up on it right now.

I do know that if he doesn't respond to the antibiotics they've placed him on - he stands a chance of losing his foot. This tears me up. The little guy is Ethan's partner in crime when he comes to visit. He's completely adorable and only 3 years old. He's my sister's only child and she is just beside herself right now. He has to stay in the hospital for the next several days. Before he goes home, they are going to stick a catheter in his arm, and he'll have to have meds intravenously for the next couple of months. His doctor has also prescribed a Home Health Nurse to come to the house part time while he gets thru this stuff.

I wish I wasn't so far away so that I could go help her out - but we're about 9 hours apart. Texas is a damn big state. Luckily - my mother is there now helping her.

I just wanted to thank you guys again for the good wishes you left below. I know we don't know each other in "real life", but I'm continually amazed by the way you keep my spirits up when things go wrong. You guys really are great people, and I want each and every one of you to reach around right now - and pat yourself on the back. Oh hell - just go ahead and hug yourself!! (see - now I'm getting all mushy).

I'll be back tomorrow with my typical dumb-assedness. Right now I've got some reading up to do.

posted by Norman at 7:32 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Complete and total EDIT
OK. This is just a complete and total edit of my self-absorbed little post of why I go no comments down below.

Suddenly - it just doesn't matter

My mom just called - she is on her way to my sister's. My 3 year old nephew was suddenly admitted to the hospital today.

We have no clue what is going on. The only thing we know is that he started limping this morning, then his foot swelled up and became discolored. My sister brought him to the doctor. At this point - I don't know if they found an insect bite or what. All I know is that the doctor sent her to an orthopedist, and he admitted my nephew to the hospital and stuck him on an antibiotic drip.

What is going on? I asked my mom if they found *something* to explain this, and she said that my sister was in the dark about the whole thing as well.

I've been trying to call my sister, but she's not answering her cell phone, or home phone.

I'm just worried sick now. My stomach is tied up in knots. Anybody have any ideas?? Anyone? Please?

**ok - a couple theories being thrown around right now are Osteomylitis and Mercury Poisoning.

We'll know more tomorrow - he's having an MRI in the morning. If the results are inconclusive and his foot doesn't show signs of getting better by Friday - they will operate.

So I'm off to bed in case I need to make a 9 hour roadtrip tomorrow.

Thanks for the support you guys!! Ya'll are awesome...
posted by Norman at 6:51 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
12 rules that Martha Stewart never got around to telling you:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, you'll be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance!

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


All Right!! I have to close the poll now!! The official ruling is that THE NAKED COWBOY trounced Tiny Tim. I'm so sad. I mean - what's not to love about Tiny Tim? He's little, he played a ukelele, he sang in falsetto!! Before the Gibb brothers even!! Dude! He's really quite the man... but ah well.. The blog world has spoken.

now this only leaves me to wonder who (or what...heh) will I dig up for next weekend's contender??
posted by Norman at 9:21 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Monday, October 09, 2006
WHO'S THE WOMAN??!! WHO...IS...THE...WOMAN !!!!!!!???
All together now!! WOOT WOOT!!!

Go Norman!
Go Norman!
Go Norman!

Oh yeah. I'm dancin' to my own ghetto beat right now....

I just waxed my OWN EYEBROWS with NADS (and yeah... that name makes me crack up every single frickin' time).

And not only that -- I got it all even. I don't have one eyebrow higher than the other so I'm not walking around lookin' all quizzical and shit.



OK. So you new people have just got to know that I'm the biggest weenie when it comes to pain. That's what this post is all about. Not only that - but Ashy was watching me when I did this. So now, while she was all impressed with the pain factor when someone ELSE did it, the fact that I inflicted this on MYSELF has got her walking around me like I'm the QUEEN! And hell - I'll keep that notion alive as long as humanly possible. If it means I have to wax my brows for the next 10 years every frickin' night -- I'm doin' it!


woot woot!
posted by Norman at 7:08 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Oh yeah. This is REALLY late.
It's the weekend poll... Two days late!! But hey - it's still technically a weekend for me since I'm not working today.

And you can thank Spicy Cracker for the topic of this weekend's poll!! She selected it!

I've also decided that Spicy is my favorite blogger of the day, because she graciously volunteered to be my FIRST PAMPERED CHEF hostess!!!! Isn't that nice!? She actually CALLED me yesterday and I felt so bad because at first I thought she was a telemarketer and was RUDE RUDE RUDE!! ('cuz that's how telemarketers get treated over here). But once she told me who she was - we had a great conversation until I told her that I was one of those people that you can never....get...off....the...phone.... poor girl.

BUT! In the course of that conversation, she suggested this:

who would YOU rather Tiptoe through the Tulips with??


Who would you rather tiptoe through the tulips with?
The Naked Cowboy
Tiny Tim
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Remember, you should vote because this blog is all about my egotistical self. And I love participation!! You don't have to comment -- (although I love comments)---- BUT YOU HAVE TO VOTE!!! (or I will find you)
posted by Norman at 6:38 AM | Permalink | 7 comments
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Your personality REVEALED!
Ahhhhhhhh... this deserves a double post! I, the Great Normanator, have deduced your personalities soley based on the type of snack you prefer!! Am I cool or what?!

So without further ado...Let's get snacking!

China Doll was the sole selecter of the mighty Slim Jim...aka Meat Snack. China Doll - I say you prefer to be with other people while you indulge. Meat snack lovers are at their best in the company of others because they are so gregarious - and sometimes generous to a fault. If you want a true friend, pick China Doll: She is trustworthy and always loyal! She will go all out for friends and family, even to the point of making sacrifices!

China Doll... do you agree with this ?!! After that post on your blog today - I THINK IT'S TRUE!

Spicy Cracker went against her name, and picked NOT the Snacky Cracker, but the POTATO CHIP. Interesting... Spicy - I say you're an ambitious person, AND a high achiever! You enjoy the rewards of success both at work and at home. You are not a selfish sort, you enjoy the successes of your spouse as well. You also tend to be impatient with less than the best, and you are easily frustrated by life's little blips - traffic jams and waiting in line make you crazy!! AAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!

So Spicy - do you find this accurate!? (lol... I'm loving this!!)

TBG and Sandra both chose the yummy scrumptious tortilla chip! (me - I love this with some PICO!) Ok Ladies....You're probably perfectionists; if it's less than perfect, you'll redo it. Not satisfied with a mere A, you want the A+. Individuals such as TBG and Sandra are not selfish, so if you want a partner to help you fight an injustice, look to these ladies with their hands in a bowl of tortilla chips. Invite them over for the weekend, too, because they are likely to be good houseguests. These tortilla chip lovers are punctual and conservative. A male tortilla chip lover can slip into a tux or feel just as comfortable in an old T-shirt, but don't look for the tortilla chip loving woman to dress provacatively - she is rather sexually restrained.

(WHAAA??? Don't worry ladies - I included myself in this category. I'll make the call to Dr. Ruth....mmm'kay?)

Vic (of the no-link comment), Hot Biscuit, and the De-Lurking Maid of the North (HI!), AND Psycho Ann Alycis (Ann Alycis snuck in ...this is an edit!! hehehehe) all chose POPCORN!
Wow!! You guys really know how to take charge of a situation, and are usually quick to pick up the slack if the need arises. While these women have great self-confidence, they are rather humble - you can't call them showoffs!! Popcorn lovin' people may hide their success so well that they appear to be a "poor relation", while they are actually squirreling away their treasures! If you inherit money from a relative you thought was flat broke - odds are they were most likely a popcorn muncher.

So guys... did I get your number on this!?

Dari (who has no blog anymore), and Kim are PRETZEL people!

What does that mean? It means you are a lively sort of person, easily bored with the same old routine. You look for new challenges at work and at home...and can spend HOURS mulling over abstract concepts while you munch on your pretzels. You are FLIRTATIOUS and like to dress provacatively (say what????), but you quickly tire of a trend and are off to find the latest style. Pretzel people are intuitive, make decisions based more on emotion than logic, and they may be overly trusting in romantic relationships. They're fun to be with -- but they're vulnerable too....

So guys - -- did I hit any nails on their heads!?

I'm the GREAT NORMAN!! Who was only SLIGHTLY (ok - hugely influenced) by the Uncle John's Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader Vol. 14

If you would like for me (and Uncle John) to tell you about YOUR personality... please review the list in the previous post (if it's not "defined" above already), and let me know what YOUR snack choice is!

Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds asked if I would analyze her cheese addiction. But of COURSE daaahlink.. I can assure you that your choice indicates that you are conscientious and principled and expect others to be too. You tend to take the moral high ground. With your finely tuned sense of right and wrong, you treat everyone in the same just and fair manner. You have integrity!! You may appear rigid to others, but in reality you just know enough to plan ahead. In your house, the spare batteries and Band-Aids are right where they belong - just like everything on your desk at work.

Was that right!???!!

Freak Magnet said that she is NUTS. Well - of course. I knew that. But NOW what we all know about Freak Magnet is that Nuts tend to be easygoing, empathetic, and understanding. Nut lovers can be counted on to stay calm, even in the midst of upheaval, so even a screaming spouse or a disappointing boss (or even a nekked roomie) won't ruffle you. They do well in jobs that involve the public (not PUBIC.... pubLIC). Nut lovers may not be outstanding leaders, but they contribute to a peaceful home and an effective office.

Now CHRISTAN and Michael asked about sugary snacks. I can't answer that one because I don't have all the answers without specifics!! I need specifics!! Like what?? Brownies? Oatmeal Cookies? Chocolate Chip Cookies? Cheesecake?? lol... besides, this Bathroom Reader only specified the snacks I mentioned - so I can't answer you anyway. But I'm still THE GREAT NORMANATOR!
posted by Norman at 7:38 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
The Weekend Poll will be posted tomorrow...
In the meantime - let's play a game!

I've decided that I'm a great psychoanalyst!!! Let me prove it to you:

You review the list below - and select which item you prefer. I will tell you your PERSONALITY based on what you select!!!

But in order for me to psychoanalyze you - YOU MUST TELL ME YOUR CHOICE!! Cause you know.... I'm not telepathic - I can just see/hear ghosts. (HA!!)

So here's the list:

Which snack do you prefer?

Potato Chip
Snacky Crackers
Cheese Curl (like cheetos or cheez puffs...etc)
Meat Snack (slim jims, beef jerky...etc)
Tortilla Chip

Make your choice, and post it in the comments. The Great Norman shall analyze your personality off of your choice.

Let me tell you about YOU!

****BLOG EDIT****
Make sure you make your choices SOON... I'll be posting my great analysisisisis tonight!!

posted by Norman at 10:38 AM | Permalink | 14 comments
Friday, October 06, 2006
I'm not one to take the gloves off...
But I will.

Thank GOD this week is over. THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD.

I just had two co-workers...TWO go to my boss behind my back...at performance appraisal time no less, and tell a big huge FUCKING LIE about me. HUGE!!

I was floored. My boss, was quick to tell me that she has not witnessed this "alleged" behavior from anyone in the office, but that since two of my co-workers were saying this, she was obligated to visit with me about it.

So I took the gloves off.

I told her about past behaviors (that are, incidently, true as opposed to their lie) by my coworkers that I was less than thrilled with. And these are not behaviors that are taken lightly by ANY company.

Hopefully I've ruined his weekend.

All this just makes our decision to move that much easier.
posted by Norman at 1:35 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Norman just might be terrorizing the south...
it looks like -- ---- ---

I need to look for a new job! Because my husband just told me that the people he visited with in San Antonio today will be calling him with a job offer (they told him they'd have his offer in two days)!!!!!!!!!

This is the same group that he interviewed with a few months ago. He turned it down because it wasn't enough $$. So they called him and asked him to come back to visit with them - and a higher offer was mentioned..

Time will tell!!

But I sure do hate the idea of having to start a new job. And selling our house. And buying a new house. And moving. UGH!! I HATE MOVING! But I'm excited about being back in my hometown of San Antonio!!

Send vibes!! We need a great offer!
posted by Norman at 9:22 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
My Day Today
This just pretty much sums it up:

posted by Norman at 7:04 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Dancing with the Stars
I caught tonight's episode of Dancing with the Stars. Anybody out there watch it? I don't get a whole lot of time to watch live TV, but I saw it while "Mario" from Saved by the Bell was doing the Paso Doble with this professional dancer "Karina"

Oh...My...God..... I didn't really think ol' Mario was so hot back in his heyday(?) of Saved by the Bell, but DAMN!! I really got off to watching him! He's really cute!! And then I started staring at his dimples. My husband was watching as well, but he was watching the chick shake her ass. I don't blame him. Her body was RIPPED! I'm so jealous of people who's bodies look like that! But my point is this: I don't have one. We were just body watching.

So anyway, after the dance, the contestants were standing in front of the judge waiting for their critiques, and then it started. I became very very annoyed with the way Mario was standing there. Kinda like he knew he was a hottie and just wanted to prove it. It was the way he was holding his head or something, but it struck me as very .... contrived. (Yeah- that's my word of the day). So of course, I started making fun of him. My husband pointed out his dimples at about the same time I was noticing them. Are those real?? Is that a physical reality to have dimples like that? I found myself just staring at them wondering how they could be. It actually looks like someone took a needle and thread and sewed them in there. Do they have cosmetic surgeons in Hollywood that will do this?? Cause they can't be real. My hubs and I think they're fake. Then we started slamming on the girl. Now - she's VERY VERY talented, and she's got an AWESOME body, so I'm hoping maybe I just caught her on a bad night or maybe it was just that she was so very sweaty or...or.. I dunno. But my husband was the first to make THIS comparison:

This is Karina. See? She's pretty... now imagine her kinda sweaty with her hair all messed up from flying around the stage.

Then... take a look at the next picture:

Do you see it?? Does she or does she not look like Boy George!!??

My husband spent the rest of the program trying to figure out if poor Karina is actually a man. He really really thinks that she just might have been a DUDE before she was this really hot-bodied chica.

Which is really too bad, because if he makes up his mind that SHE is actually a HE, then I'll probably be *FORBIDDEN* to watch Dancing with the Stars ev-AR again!! ... or if I watch it, he'll probably punish me with Food Loaf.
posted by Norman at 7:36 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Monday, October 02, 2006
The family took a drive tonight. We went to the airport to pick up my parents minivan since they left it at the airport when they left. As we approached, we saw the lights of the prison off in the distance. Seeing that reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my coworkers, who happens to be a former corrections officer.
"Hey hunny!" I said, "You know what Bobby was telling me about how they control the inmates?" The chatter in the backseat quieted. My kids have this fascination with BADGUYS. BADGUYS are COOL.
"He was telling me that when the prisoners act up... they threaten them with a certain dinner... he said it worked everytime." "A certain dinner? Are you serious? Hardened criminals toe the line 'cause of food?!" scoffed my husband.
"Uh huh!!! That's what he said!! He said it was hilarious to watch them behave after the THREAT. He said they don't even threaten them with solitary much, it's the bad dinner they'll get that keeps 'em in line." "And just WHAT is this dinner?" said my cynical hubby.
"Well... apparently, they make this thing called "Food Loaf"! When mess hall is over, they take all the left overs, and stuff them into a huge grinder, blend everything together and press it into meatloaf pans. Then they bake it and VOILA!!! Food Loaf! It's whatever they served in the food hall that day, all squished together. The inmates HATE it. "

...and that's when I noticed the complete and utter silence in the backseat. I had the kid's full attention.

Never one to pass up what I consider to be a golden opportunity, I didn't let on that I knew the kids were listening.

"And you know what hunny?" I burbled on "That's not a bad idea!! Think of the money we can save if we just keep all the food that the kids don't eat. We can squish it up in a loaf and serve it to them for breakfast...you know - the food they don't eat for dinner, we'll just let them eat it for breakfast!!"

*gasps of horror in the backseat*

And my husband was biting back a smile. "Is that for real?? Food loaf!? They really make food loaf in the prisons? That's crazy! But you know what? It just might work..." he let his voice trail off thoughtfully.

And while I find the idea of curbing the inmate's behavior via FOOD LOAF amusing (because face it, it is funny to think of a serial murder cringing at the idea of food loaf), I want you guys to know this:

My kids ate their dinner tonight without complaining.... and they ate ALL of it. I left the kitchen at one point during dinner to swap out some laundry, and as I turned the corner, I heard ... "Ethan... hurry up!! I don't want food loaf tomorrow!"
posted by Norman at 7:13 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Two weeks of HELL
Yep. Two loooooooooooooooooooonnnggg weeks of hell are in store for me. And you know what? It's going to start at approximately 6:45am every...freaking...day. So I'm in a pissy mood. Because SHE is about to walk in the door.

SHE is the woman that I told would NOT be welcome in my house until SHE apologized for almost splitting my husband and I up permanently.

SHE is my mother-in-law.

Bloody fucking hell.

My own lovely mother usually comes over to the house in the mornings at 6:00am. Since I leave for work so very early - she comes over here, and takes Ashy to school, Ethan to pre-k, and brings Avery home with her. Then she watches Avery for us while my hubs and I both work. But everyone needs a vacay, and now my mom and dad are off galavanting around in the mountains of Vermont. VERMONT. They can't very well come over and help me with my children. So SHE does.

Now, don't get me wrong - I appreciate the help.... from my MOTHER. Not the she-bitch. And yeah - my husband knows how I feel about this. He knows EXACTLY how I feel about this. I came up with a solution so that IT would not have to be here in the morning - but NOOOOoooOOOOooooOOOO.

IT knows I don't want IT here and IT has refused my idea. Bitch.

So I'm in a pissy mood. Because I've got two minutes before she appears. I've got to go now.

Oh - and I'm closing the poll even though all of you didn't vote. I had 140 "unique hits" yesterday.... you can see the poll results. Not everyone voted. Shame on you.

See? I'm angry.
posted by Norman at 4:43 AM | Permalink | 13 comments
Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com