Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Remember when you were a kid and it was time to get into bed? I do. I would get my bed all turned down, go to the light switch, turn it off, back up about 5 feet, then take a running leap into my bed... SAFE! Why the running leap, you ask? Well - it's to prevent the monsters that live under your bed from grabbing your ankles and pulling you under of course. What a silly question that was. And getting out of bed was almost the same routine. I would stand up in the middle of my bed, and use it as a springboard to propel myself to the middle of the room. Then I could safely turn on the light and leave the room. I think all of you must have done this at one time or another, right? I know I'm right. I just know it.

So my kid freaked me out the other night. My oldest, Ashton, came strolling into our bedroom night before last at about... oh - I think it was 2 fucking o'clock in the morning. "Mommy... Daddy", she whispered. "Whaaaa?? Did you throw up? Is someone breaking into the house?? Whaaat??!!" (I don't wake up very happily)
"Ethan is stuck underneath his bed again, and he absolutely won't come out. I know he can come out- but he won't and he's crying really loud and I can't sleep" All of that was said in one breath. She's our informer But I was freaked out by the fact that he was under his bed. What the hell is he doing under his bed? I just can't fathom the idea of a 4 year old crawling underneath his bed willingly at 2 o'clock (excuse me... 2 fucking o'clock) in the morning. So my husband & I went to his bedroom, and sure enough - he's under his bed crying. I turned on the light (monsters... heh) and got down on the floor. "Ethan," I said "What in the name of all that's holy are you doing under there?" "I'M STUUUUUUUCK!!!" "I can see that... but what are you doing under there?" "STTTUUUUUUUUUUCCCKK!!!" *sigh* Well - he was 'stuck' because every time he'd try to get out, he'd raise his head up and then he couldn't get out from under the bed. So I shoved my hand under the bed and put it on his head, he's free!! Now maybe I can get an answer from him. "Why were you under the bed?" He looked at me like I was stupid. Maybe I am.. I dunno.. "Because I wanted to get my flashlight" Ooooooooh. I suppose that was supposed to explain it, but I wanted to know more. "Hunny, why do you need your flashlight? It's 2 in the morning, you're supposed to be asleep." Another look... "Becaaaaaause... I need to see inside my closet." OK. I've heard enough. I don't want to know anymore. I'm sick and tired of hearing about things in closets. It can only be no good. So I re-tucked him in, and went back to bed. But I ask you this... what NORMAL kid goes crawling underneath his bed in the middle of the night??!! Freaky.

posted by Norman at 6:30 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Good God I survived ONE holiday!

I've learned something in my experience as a mother of three: Someone will always be puking or squirting crap. Or both. I think it is too much to ask that I get a week or two between illnesses.

We drove home from Arlington TX last night. Everything was great until about 1 hour away from home. Then, the baby became inconsolably unhappy.

Let me tell you this, when you've got 5 people crammed into a Honda, and the baby is Inconsolably Unhappy... EVERYBODY becomes inconsolably unhappy. Then we began the improvised Chinese Fire Drill while the car was still moving. The seven year old hopped into the front seat, I hopped into the back seat (and knocked my husband in the head with my butt on my way back... shit - it's diet time). Then I grabbed the baby out of her car seat and attempted to make her happy. (I know - you're not supposed to take them out of the seat in the car... but YOU try to adhere to that with 3 unhappy kids!

So - she cried for about 10 more seconds - and then she blew up. Puke all over ME, the car seat, the Honda's seat, and one teeny tiny drop on the 4 year old. We had complete & utter silence for about 5 seconds. Then all hell broke loose.

EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna throw up!!! (That's my 7 year old's reaction)


What the hell is going on back there????!!!!!!! (That's my husband)


Here's the baby: eeee... hee heee aah ah da da da da .. Happily wiggling her fingers at us.

And that was my car trip home. I don't think I need to blog anymore about it. Ya'll get the picture - right??

posted by Norman at 7:17 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
I bet I go to hell for this
But I just can't pass it up. Have you guys been to the "Google Video of the Day" blog yet? It's great! This guy takes the time to go through all of the google videos and posts the best ones that he finds.

I got one from him that I irritated the living crap out of Aric Blue with. But this isn't the one that pissed poor Aric off...

Watch this whole thing. I was cracking up by the time I got to the end!

Click the picture! It'll run the video in another window for you.

I'm heading out of town for Thanksgiving, so Happy Turkey Day to everyone!

posted by Norman at 2:12 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Monday, November 21, 2005
My Canned Penis
Snopes says this is not a true story - but I think this is the one time that I will chose to not believe Snopes. This IS a canned penis. I know it is! I'm sitting here, looking at the picture on the can, and I believe!!

The only thing misleading on this can... is that it certainly doesn't smell like any penis I've smelt. er.. that is - not that I've smelt them you understand... But this smells flowery and I have heard that penises just don't smell that way. (phew... backtracking can be tricky!)

Here's a picture of a penis can. It's not the actual picture. I ripped this one off of snopes, cause I couldn't get the camera working (damn ghost).

I have the actual can, and according to snopes, it's a part of a flower. Now come on. I've never seen a flower that looks like THAT!! Not only that, but the petal above the penis looks like a tongue.


I've checked all over the can, and no where do I see this particular appendage repeated in any of the flower patterns on there.

My judgement on this... it's a dick.

Thank you....


***edited 10/17/06***
Not that I mind - but who are you people coming from that are reading this? Did someone say something and link to this post? I'm just curious!! You can leave me an answer in comments if someone would be so kind!!! Thanks again --- Norman (who's is stark raving mad with curiousity)
posted by Norman at 8:28 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Sunday, November 20, 2005
I love my nail girl. My nail girl is also one of my best friends. She called me earlier today, and asked me to come in TODAY... it's Sunday. And to make me feel better about leaving my kids on a Sunday, she said the magic words ... "I'll bring beer".

So I went

I left at 1:15, and it is now 4:09. I'm drunk as cooter brown, (whoever the FUCK that is) and I'm blogging. Why? BECAUSE!! (And this is so cool)

BECAUSE! Since I was getting my nails done, my husband didn't want to be with all 3 of the kids by himself so he took them to see my in-laws.. those devil's spawn individuals who I refuse to grace with my presence... bleahhhh.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I'm by myself, but the only thing that sucks is that I want to take a nap now, and I really do have a bathroom to paint, and a biker gang to run away with.

You know what this means... right?? Yeah baby ... it's MARGARITA TIME !! Mama is home alone with booze and NO KIDS!!

Damn... I feel like Tom Cruise... you know. Crazy. I mean - jumping on the couch & being a fucking idiot... Tom Cruise.. You know?

Hey - and since I'm blitzed - what the fuck happened yesterday??? Usually - I get about 75 hits a day on my blog...average. For some reason, 300 people hit my blog. I have a stat counter - and I can tell where SOME of them came from, but the rest?? Shit - I don't know. I tried to do a keyword search - but only 1 person searched for "dimmitt funeral protesters" and one other person searched for "I am Norman"... Well - NO - I am Norman - but thank you very much... I still don't know where these other people came from.

Do I have that many lurkers? I've seen some other people do the "Lurker Roll Call" but I've never done it, cause I'm afraid I won't get anyone telling me they're lurking - but maybe you will.... so fess up!! Who're the lurkers??? Why do you lurk?? WHY ARE YOU READING ME BUT NOT RESPONDING?? Dude - don't you understand you're wigging me out?? WHO ARE YOU? Please?

Thanks! I'm drunk... I think I'll go play "Toontown" now..


(damn... I typed my REAL name by accident... did anyone see that??)

(damn damn) I had a lot of typos in that last post... Cleaned it up! I did!
posted by Norman at 2:06 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Saturday, November 19, 2005
I'll miss you guys....
I'm sorry to say this but this will be my last blog post. Things have been a bit tough today and life is getting shorter and shorter every day. I want to take time and smell the roses. So I am going to quit blogging and travel full time with a biker gang to see the country and enjoy life while I still can. Don't worry about me - they all seem like really nice people.. It has been nice blogging, But it's time to say good bye.

A photo of my new biker gang is below.

posted by Norman at 12:05 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Reason #1 and 2 of why I should not be left unsupervised
Reason #1:

Reason #2:

I hate it when my husband cries.

You see, I was going to the bathroom (is that known as "TMI"?), when I noticed a tiny part of the wallpaper that was slightly lifted. Given that I despise the wallpaper, I wondered what would happen if I picked at it.

It was such a satisfying feeling! I wanted to see how much more would come off as easily as it did. So I made my way around the bathroom. It was just like peeling a banana! WOW!

About this time, my husband came barging in. Apparently - he'd thought I had fallen in and then heard disturbing sounds coming from the bathroom, so he was checking on me. He stopped abruptly in the middle of the bathroom, and it looked like his head was on a swivel. He looked at me, he looked at the wall. He looked at me, he looked at the wall. He looked at me.... ok - you get the picture. And then he left. But not before I heard him choking back sobs.

Awww... poor baby. Don't cry!
posted by Norman at 9:37 AM | Permalink | 7 comments
Friday, November 18, 2005
My all time favorite e-mail attachment
I was digging through my old e-mails from our old system. I found this:

Damn - I still laugh when I see this.

I know it's old, but it's my FAVORITE!
posted by Norman at 3:36 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, November 17, 2005
"There's no wrong way to eat a Norman!"

I visited Spicy's Blog today, and she has a link to a slogan generator on there.

"There's no wrong way to eat a Norman!!"

yeah baby!

Go play and come tell me what ya got!:
posted by Norman at 8:06 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Quick Poll
And this is for the lurkers & anonymous people too. I need your input.

Apparently - some of you are having problems with my blog format. Do I need to change it?
Let me know, and I'll get busy... (I aim to please - and no, you perverts - I'm not aiming for crotches)

posted by Norman at 3:32 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Oopsie. Forgot to title this..
Apparently - I have pissed off Greg the Surly. He's goosed me on a pass-it-on thingie. How fun! He goosed me!! I have chills!!

Two Names You Go By --

1. Norman
2. NORM!

Two Parts of Your Heritage --

1. French
2. Scottish (and that combination would explain my temper...)

Two Things That Scare You --

1. My husband's driving
2. The ghost in my bathroom

Two of Your Everyday Essentials --

1. French Vanilla Mocha Latte
2. Diet Coke

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now --

1. Thong undies! (and lace too.. now aren't you male readers sorry you didn't bid on them?)
2. Margarita Earrings

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment) --
1. Audioslave
2. Enya (I'll bet THAT one throws ya'll!)

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love) --

1. Spontaneousness (or however the hell you spell that)
2. laughter

Two Truths --

1. I constantly check my blog to see if someone's been reading it! ;-)
2. I'm scared of stuffed animals

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You --

1. Eyes (Actually these were Greg's answers, but they work for me too!)
2. Ass

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies --

1. Crocheting (Ha again! Hey - I need to do something to calm down every now and then)
2. Playing with my kiddos

Two Things You Want Really Badly --

1. I really really want the assblaster at my work to start shitting at her own home
2. I really really want to win the lottery

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation --

1. Disney!
2. Cancun or Acapulco

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die --

1. Go to Scotland to see the Scottish Rugby Team
2. Go to Scotland to see the Scottish Rugby Team

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick --

1. I won't kill bugs myself - I ask the closest man to do it
2. I stop at all sales

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit --

1. I can be THE uber bitch
2. I am sometimes (though rarely) stricken with shyness

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now --

1. No way am I going to admit the time I #!$%# %$ $#$% $## )&* with my friend
2. I'm thinking about Greg.... and something mean I can do to him...

Two Stores You Shop At --

1. WalMart
2. Chadwick's of Boston (pitiful I know - but I love their mail order catalog. I'm nerdy that way)

Two people I haven't talked to in a while --

1. My first very best friend in the wholewideworld
2. My sister

Two bloggers who may now dislike you for passing this on to them --

1. Andi
2. Nap Queen
posted by Norman at 7:47 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Never thought I'd have to do this so soon -
And it's my own damn fault.

Remember I told you I bought my 4 yr old son a Hummer for his birthday? Yeh. Well - I've had to restrict his driving priviledges. I thought I'd have to do this at age 16, not 4!

Here's what happened: I was on my way home from work today and I was booking it! Today was the first day of my first college course in many many years. I was determined not to be late! I work 35 miles away from home, and I only had 1 hour to get home, change, grab my books and begone.

Traffic was great until I got around my neighborhood. I figured there was an accident at the intersection because cars were so backed up. Just friggin' great. I have to hurry hurry HURRY! I was about to take a backroad, when the cars started picking up speed. I'm so glad they did this. Otherwise, I would have actually turned and missed this.

There, on the corner of the street (main road even!) is a miniature Hummer, and two small children. One of them is holding up a hand-drawn stop sign. And the two small children are mine.

This is the story I was able to piece together. Apparently - they decided they wanted to go up to the corner store & buy some candy. It was too far to walk, so Ethan decided to hop in his Hummer and GO. Ashton, who is 7, and who I depend on for stopping such hare-brained ideas... came up with the idea that SHE'D direct traffic so they could get back before I got home AND before Daddy noticed they were missing. So they loaded up his car with $3 cash, Ashton's Barbie Radio, the Mickey Moused traffic signs, and sunglasses.

Needless to say, I put a stop to their adventure. A very nice gentleman helped me load the hummer into my SUV, and I drove home, freaking out the entire way. I pulled into our driveway and frog-marched the kids directly to their room. Then I went off to find Daddy. But he's not home, and the baby is gone too. What the??? I looked out the front door, and there was my husband with a baby carriage frantically racing around the corner up ahead. Seems he left the older two alone just a smidge too long... eh? Ha! Maybe it'll teach him a lesson.

Now - I see the humor in this now... but I tell ya - I was shitting a brick earlier today. I did make it to class on time, (miracle) and the Hummer has had the battery removed. For 3 weeks. I don't think that's too steep - do you?
posted by Norman at 8:31 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Monday, November 14, 2005
They're heeeeRE!!
Now you've gotta know that I'm not making this up. It's very important for me to ask you guys to know that I'm not making this up! Very important. Terribly so. It makes me feel - not quite so crazy. (twitch twitch)

I don't care so much about what my husband thinks. Who gives a crap what he thinks!? I know he's going to laugh at me no matter what! So whatever. But last night.... OH, I'm so happy! I haven't seen the ghost in a while. I was hoping it was gone. After all, I almost torched my house with all the damn candles I had going. Can ghosts die of smoke inhalation??

But yesterday, I kept smelling smoke. Lots of it. And not candle smoke either (it wasn't a frou-frou scent). Actual honest to God smoke. I checked outside to see if there was a grass fire, but the sky was clear. I came back inside and wandered around smelling the air. Finally, my husband asked what the hell I was doing. "Smoke" I stated. "Nah - I just had a cigarette - but what are you doing?" he asked, "No Dumbass! I smell smoke! Can't you smell that?" Now I got him walking around sniffing. "Holy Shit," he said "Yeah! I can smell that!" So now we're looking around for smoke. Could never find it. Then it turned to a burning wire smell. So up to the attic my husband goes. He was looking all over for anything smoldering or smelling stronger. He could never find a source.

We made sure the fire alarms were on, and went to bed. I was halfway to la-la land, when I feel my husband bolt upright in bed. "What the FUCK?!" he muttered. I almost peed my pants. "Wha? Wha?? What do you hear??!" I hissed. "Nuthin. Stay here." And he left the room.

I could hear him scuffling around out in the house and turned to look at the clock. I heard a small sound and turned back to the door just in time to see a dark shadow slide into the bathroom. AAAH!! I KNOW THAT SHADOW! "WHERE'S MY COFFEE ASSHOLE??" I screech. My husband comes screeching back into the room. "Where is it?! " He yelled. "IN THERE! IN THE BATHROOM!" So he went running in there, to do what - I haven't a clue. What the hell do you do? Tackle it? Don't you just fall through ghosts if you try to catch them? It happens on Scooby Do...

He came back out looking pale. I asked him what woke him up in the first place, and he told me... ahem. let me quote "It touched my fuckin' face". OOOooOOOOOooooo.... So who's crazy now... huh hunny??!! HUH???!!


Either that or the mass hallucination thingie is kicking in. And that was our excitement for the night.


posted by Norman at 7:55 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Sunday, November 13, 2005
My undies
I'm seriously on a mission to discover ways to raise money to take my kids to Disneyland. It seems that everytime I get some extra cashola - something goes wrong with our house (like plumbing leaks) and we have to shell out some extra money to fix it. So - just for grins, I've decided to sell... my .... underwear. Who wants it?


If anyone else e-mails me with another offer of 1 million dollars... I WILL TAKE YOU UP ON THAT OFFER!! HA HA!

But thanks for the ego boost anyway!! woohoo!
posted by Norman at 1:09 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Saturday, November 12, 2005
My Theme Song!
Have you ever had what you consider to be a "theme song"? I do. If I did it right, the video should be playing right now.

You have to listen to the words. This song fits me to a T!!!

So, my friend Sam I am has made an appearance! It's up to him if he wants to tell you exactly how we met... but I think he was my highlight of my last night in Vegas! I sat down to play roulette about 7pm, and I didn't make it back up to my room (after numerous phone calls from my husband) until 2:30am. I will say this - I did NOT go to his room!


****EDIT ALERT****

Ok. I'm tired of listening to it. I'm going to put another favorite song of mine on here now.

For those of you who didn't hear it - it's Greenday's Basketcase.
posted by Norman at 9:41 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Friday, November 11, 2005
My inbox
I'm now digging thru my inbox of stuff that came in this week. There's some really funny shit in there! I just had to share:

First - The bird flu has made it to Anaheim, CA:


A drunk joke:

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. Hetiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said,"You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?""Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

And lastly - this is sooooooo freaking weird. It worked for me - make sure you post a comment and tell me if you are 2% or 98%... I'm apparently - in the 98%...

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
* There's no trick or surprise.
* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them . Really.
* Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).

Think of a number from 1 to 10

Multiply that number by 9

If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

Now subtract 5

Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with
(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)

Think of a country that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter of the name of that country

Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter in the name of that animal

Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter

Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange? I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise.
posted by Norman at 8:39 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
You Are A: Pony!

ponyWho doesn't love a pony? You are one of these miniature horses, renown for your beauty and desired by many. Full of grace, you are a beautiful and very special animal, full of strength and majesty.

You were almost a: Puppy or a Kitten
You are least like a: Chipmunk or a GroundhogThe Cute Animals Quiz
posted by Norman at 4:53 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Hi. Not home yet!
and ya know what? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

and a special hello to my new friend - "Sam I am!!" (he knows who he is!) He's in room 1110....


posted by Norman at 2:21 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I mean... Shit. Really. I meant to make the "and we're off" post the last one, until this, and it's only been a couple of minutes. Good God, life moves fast at my house.

My husband just hollered to me. "HUNNNNY COME HERE YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS" Stupid me went to go see.

He's taken a shit and it's wrapped around the bowl. He saved it for me. I guess that's love.

I swear it's almost all the way around the bowl. How in the world do you walk around with that kind of shit in you?

Peace out!

posted by Norman at 6:18 AM | Permalink | 4 comments
and we're off!
See ya guys next week!

I'm totally wiped out from staying up all night. Can you believe that I'm looking forward to going to Vegas.... to sleep?! Seriously. We've got 3 kids, and I had to stay up all night to catch up on the laundry. When we get to the hotel room - I'm sleeping!

I survived Ethan's birthday party yesterday! He's 4 now!! We're the coolest parents in the world! We bought him a HUMMER!

Wish us good luck in Vegas!!

posted by Norman at 5:56 AM | Permalink | 4 comments
Saturday, November 05, 2005
This is freaky. I don't know who has the time to figure these things out... but I think they might have just a smidge too much time on their hands!

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

And... just an aside - but do you see my weather pixie on the right side of my page? She looks cute, huh? Well - I picked that pixie cause her hair was similar to mine, but every now and then she totally SLUTS OUT! I just looked at it, and she's wearing some S&M looking outfit. She's not always wearing it. Sometimes she looks downright nerdy, but then comes the black leather outfit. I just wanted people to know FOR THE RECORD. I'm not the one dressing my pixie!

posted by Norman at 7:15 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Friday, November 04, 2005
Dad's Brownie's
Dad's Brownies
-Author Unknown
A father of some teenage children had the family rule that they could not attend PG-13 or R rated movies. His three teens wanted to see a particular popular movie that was playing at local theaters. It was rated PG-13.
The teens interviewed friends and even some members of their family's church to find out what was offensive in the movie. The teens made a list of pros and cons about the movie to use to convince their dad that they should be allowed to see it.
The con's were that it contained ONLY 3 swear words, the ONLY violence was a building exploding (and you see that on TV all the time they said) and you actually did not "see" the couple in the movie having sex - it was just implied sex, off camera.
The pros were that it was a popular movie - a block buster. Everyone was seeing it. If the teens saw the movie then they would not feel left out when their friends discussed it.
The movie contained a good story and plot. It had some great adventure and suspense in it. There were some fantastic special effects in this movie. The movie's stars were some of the most talented actors in Hollywood. It probably would be nominated for several awards.
Many of the members of their Christian church had even seen the movie and said it wasn't "very bad." Therefore, since there were more pros than cons the teens said they were asking their father to reconsider his position on just this ONE movie and let them have permission to go see it.
The father looked at the list and thought for a few minutes. He said he could tell his children had spent some time and thought on this request. He asked if he could have a day to think about it before making his decision.
The teens were thrilled thinking; "Now we've got him! Our argument is too good! Dad can't turn us down!" So, they happily agreed to let him have a day to think about their request.
The next evening the father called in his three teenagers, who were smiling smugly, into the living room. There on the coffee table he had a plate of brownies. The teens were puzzled. The father told his children he had thought about their request and had decided that if they would eat a brownie then he would let them go to the movie. But just like the movie, the brownies had pros and cons.
The pros were that they were made with the finest chocolate and other good ingredients. They had the added special effect of yummy walnuts in them. The brownies were moist and fresh with wonderful chocolate frosting on top. He had made these fantastic brownies using an award-winning recipe. And best of all, the brownies had been made lovingly by the hand of their own father.
The brownies only had one con. He had included a little bit of a special ingredient. The brownies also contained just a little bit of dog poop. But he had mixed the dough well - they probably would not even be able to taste the dog poop and he had baked it at 350 degrees so any bacteria or germs from the dog poop had probably been destroyed. Therefore, if any of his children could stand to eat the brownies which included just a "little bit of crap" and not be affected by it, then he knew they would also be able to see the movie with "just a little bit of smut" and not be affected.
Of course, none of the teens would eat the brownies and the smug smiles had left their faces. Only Dad was smiling smugly as they left the room. Now when his teenagers ask permission to do something he is opposed to the father just asks, "Would you like me to whip up a batch of my special brownies?"
posted by Norman at 9:40 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Here I go again....
For the second time, I'm editing a post on my blog.

ZIS EES NOT ZENSORSHEEP!! I just decided to keep it to myself... that's all!

BUT!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE click the link in the next paragraph!

OH!! Wait - Since I'm editing posts again. I saw THIS on All I have to say is: BWWWAAAAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! I'm so going to remember this to do to my husband sometime!!!

posted by Norman at 7:59 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Thursday, November 03, 2005
My new hero: Andy Rooney!
Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why. A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
posted by Norman at 7:32 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
this is an audio post - click to play
posted by Norman at 8:57 PM | Permalink | 13 comments
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
EVP? It ain't for me!
Have you ever heard of EVP? Since all of the crap with my little ghostie running around freaking me out, I decided I would try my own low-tech version of EVP. (I'm all about saving money baby!) For the past week, I've been turning on a tape recorder at night and leaving it running. The first few nights, all I got was sounds of my husband snoring & farting in his sleep. That's gross. It takes me 40 minutes to drive to work in the morning, so I listen to the tapes on my way to work. After two days of hearing white noise and farts, I decided to move the recorder. A couple more days of white noise, sans farts, and I was about ready to give up the ghost. Until. this. morning.


Wait! Wait! I want you all to be very proud of me. First - I'm home alone right now - and it is dark outside. As I am typing this, I hear scuffling behind me, but I am refusing to turn around. I'm also not running outside. Yet. I'll let you know at the end of this post if I actually make it to the end of this message without freaking out & running away.

OK. I was about 20 minutes into the tape this morning and I heard it. It's very very faint but distinct. I WISH I WISH I WISH I had a way to transfer this tape to the computer. But I'll describe it as best as I can. Imagine, if you will, a bunch of white noise blaring over your car speakers... Got it? Okay. Now imagine.. imbedded in that nose, a whispery voice, in the faint background going "My house". Freaky? I think so. It's a very hollow sounding breathy-quality sound. I can't tell if it is male or female. Next phrase is approx 2 minutes later. "Who [indistinct] you?". And the most chilling? " Watch... [indistinct] baby."

I was late to work this morning because I had to stop the car for a while. My hands were shaking very badly. I don't think I'll be running the recorder anymore. I let my husband listen to it. He made me stop the tape. He doesn't want to hear it.

But I'm keeping an eye on my baby.


p.s. I only ran out once, and not very far.
posted by Norman at 6:58 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
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