Saturday, May 31, 2008
Anyone who has given a garage sale in the state of Texas understands the meaning of the title of this post.




That's all I heard today. Foolishly, I thought it would be a great idea to EARN the money for season's passes to Fiesta Texas here in San Antonio rather than spend money we've saved. I started looking through my house and realized I have MORE than enough junk to trade in for 5 season passes. Besides, my neighbor is holding a garage sale and I decided to just tag along onto her sale.

Which pissed her off because she paid to advertise in the paper and essentially I was freeloading off her ad to profit.

Or something like that. At any rate. Rather than piss of yet another neighbor, I offered to pay for half of the advertising fee. So how much does it cost to buy a friend?? Apparently, you can pay my neighbor $15 to be nice to you. Anyway. We averted the possibility of being run out of the neighborhood on a rail. Honestly. If I get one more neighbor mad, I'm going to have the majority against me and we'll be booted.

Just for insurance though...halfway thru the day I popped over to their house with a bucket of margaritas and cemented my newly paid subscription-friendship with her.

So, let's talk about garage sale prices. I hate haggling. I know better than to have a garage sale because I'm a terrible negotiator. Here. Let me show you how I bargain:

Shopper: cuántos?
Me: $5
Shopper: 2 dollar
Me: $6
Shopper: eh? 3 dollar
Me: $7
Shopper: EH!! Loco lady! THREE DOLLAR!!!
Me: Get your $3 ass off my driveway....cuántos THAT!

Really. I know better than to have garage sales. I it REALLY that important to bargain me down to 10 cents from a quarter?

However, I did smarten up this year and made my 10 year old sit on the lawn with a big ol' ice chest of ice-cold drinks. Which she sold for $1 each. No bargaining allowed by the land crabs. The snot racked in $75 of which she will NOT return to me. So I made her pay me the amount I spent on the actual drinks ($12).

There was one person I'd like to talk about today. She haggled me on everything. I mean EVERYTHING. She had both arms full of adorable girls clothing, and tried to offer me $10. After much negotiating ( and yelling on my part), I finally agreed to a price of $30...(after I had careened up to $70). She handed me a stinking $100 bill and asked for change. I just glared at her, but finally turned to get her change. As I turned around, I SAW THAT BITCH SHOVE A COFFEE CUP IN HER PURSE. Rather than yell at her, I gave her change, and held back $5 extra dollars. She told me I shorted her $5. I told her she jacked a cup. So then she had the nerve to yank it out of her purse and tell me she bought it at a different garage sale.

Hello. I know that mug. It says "Mine" on the bottom. I handpainted it. So knowing she was busted, she placed it on the table and asked for her $5. I told her to get lost. At which point she threatened to call the cops because I stole HER five dollars.

About this time, my neighbor came over (thank God I gave them margaritas), and offered to walk her to her car....forcibly. So she left

But good god. If I hear : "Cuántos?" one more time today.... I'll scream.

And this is why I only hold garage sales once every 5 years.
posted by Norman at 3:23 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Friday, May 23, 2008
an observation
If my last name were "Boner"..... I would really rethink the army career decision.

Because it's really not cool when I have to talk to a person on the phone and call them "Major Boner"

and on that same note: If your last name is "Dick" Same observation....except please...PLEASE do not go into the Navy. Because then I have to call you Seaman Dick.

And please do not get upset when I address you as Private Burns. Because all I can think of is sending you some Blue Star Ointment. And I giggle uncontrollably.

Thanks for letting me share my traumatizing moments today.
posted by Norman at 9:15 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Friday, May 16, 2008
Watch out CSI !!! Norman's got TOOLS!
We are such bad pet owners. Well, not really..but yeah.. Poor Olivia. Our sweet fluffy kitty Olivia is now the screaming yowling temptress.

Oh yes. We've neglected to spay the sweet darling and now she's like a cheap hooker in a bar at closing time. She wants her some. And she has decided to show her dissatisfaction at not getting no satisfaction by PISSING in Ethan's closet. Now it smells horrid in his closet. And I've already shampooed that damn closet 3 times.

So off to PetSmart I went to find some sort of Noxious Odor B Gone. And I found it.
(Cue the heavenly chorus)...

An Ultraviolet Light. O yeaaaaah..... Apparently, this little gizmo will SHOW you where your fuzzy darling has stenched out the house...because once cat piss dries on a tan carpet - you won't find it. Not sure if it would work, but willing to fork over $19 anyway in a desperate attempt to avoid shelling out a bazillion dollars for carpet replacement, I bought the fucker. And went into Ethan's closet with said light in tow.

The damn thing works. I shut the light off, and two...TWO frickin' spots immediately jumped into view. HA! So I grabbed the bottle of Noxious Odor B Gone and completely saturated the spots. (as per the directions...) I think the stink is gone. But then the games began.

What else is in my carpet? I wondered. I began crawling around. Ick. Mental note to self: Rip out the frickin' carpet.

Then Norman's Husband ventured in. "What are you doing?" "Well...duh...I'm beaming an ultraviolet light on the floor..." "I can see that....but why?"

To get grossed out? "I don't know! I want to see the places I need to dump a gallon of bleach and light the carpet on fire! Look right here...see this spot? I think it's POOP!" "Oh yea... Avery had an accident. I thought I cleaned it up." "You thought??! Look right here! It's a POOP SPECK!!!"

and on and on the conversation went. Then Mr. Norman's Husband got the bright idea to beam our bed.

Ha. Perfectly clean. Spotless. So NOT a testiment to the studliness he thought he was going to show me. And then I flipped the sheet back.


Looks like a late night tonight while I wait for the sheets to dry.

Mr. Norman's Husband feels studly
posted by Norman at 9:07 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Foot in Mouth Disease
Things have calmed down here in suburbia between my neighbors and I....especially the next door neighbor. He is talking to me again, and neither of us mention smoking/pissing around each other.

So good ol' Norman manages to stick her foot in her mouth again. I think he's mad at me again. It was really an accident. Really. Here's the skinny...

I'm at WalMart....doing the grocery thing, when I run into him at the store. "Hi!" says he. "Hi!!", I reply, "What are you doing here?"

Sounds innocent, right?


We're in the toilet paper aisle.

posted by Norman at 8:33 AM | Permalink | 6 comments
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