Monday, October 31, 2005
And a Happy Halloween!!

Avery's first Halloween and one tired Mommy. (Running around like a nut trying to get kids from one grandparent to the next is HELL).

Pumpkin Spice and Ketchup Man. I let them pick their costumes out theirselves and this is what they come up with! Of course, you can't see the go-go boots she's sporting, but she thought she was HOT STUFF!

Poor Ketchup Man was very very disappointed that ketchup didn't actually squirt out the top. Apparently, he was planning on splooshing everyone with messy ketchup.

Know what we did to celebrate Halloween in a big big way?? WE THREW OUT THE REST OF LAST YEAR'S HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

Yes - I admit it. I'm the mean mom that won't let the kids keep their own candy. It all goes in a big bowl that is stashed way high out of their reach. They rely upon ME to give them bits & pieces of candy throughout the year. The Power! The Power!!! MWWWAHHHHAHAHAHAAAAAA.

alright. enuff with the evil laughter. I just wanted to show off my kids in their costumes. Here's one more of just Avery. She was really digging Halloween!

Good night!

posted by Norman at 9:14 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Stolen from Spicy's Blog! You can try figure out where my 65% comes from on your own! I ain't doin' no 'splaining!!

Body: Start with 100%, and take away 1% for everything you've done/that's happened to you on this list.

Drank alcohol.
Cried when someone died.
Been drunk.
Had sex.
Been to a concert.
Given a handjob/gotten a handjob.
Given a blowjob/gotten a blowjob.
Been verbally sexually harassed.
Verbally sexually harassed somebody.
Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Been to prom.
Cried at school.
Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
Went streaking.
Given a lap dance.
Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.
Kissed a stranger.
Hugged a stranger.
Went scuba diving.
Driven a car.
Gotten an xray.
Hit by a car.
Had a party.
Done drugs.
Played strip poker.
Got paid to strip for someone.
Ran away from home.
Broken a bone.
Eaten sushi.
Bought porn.
Watched porn.
Made porn.
Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
Been in love.
Frenched kissed.
Laughed so hard you cried.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Laughed yourself to sleep.
Stabbed yourself.
Shot a gun.
Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
Watched an animal die.
Watched a person die.
Had sex and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
Pranked somebody.
Put somebody in the hospital.
Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
Kissed somebody of the same sex.
Dressed punk.
Dressed goth.
Dressed preppy.
Been to a motocross race.
Avoided somebody.
Been stalked.
Stalked someone.
Met a celebrity.
Played an instrument.
Ridden a horse.
Cut yourself.
Bungee jumped.
Ding dong ditched somebody.
Been to a wild party.
Got caught stealing something.
Kicked a guy in the balls.
Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
Went out with your friend's crush.
Got arrested.Been pregnant.
Been to another country.
Started your house on fire.
Had an encounter with a ghost.
Donated your hair to cancer patients.
Been asked out by someone that you never though you'd to be asked out by.
Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months.
Sat on your ass all day.
Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
Had a job.
Gotten cut from a sports team.
Been called a whore.
Danced like a whore.
Been mistaken for a celebrity.
Been in a car accident.
Been told you have beautiful eyes.
Been told you have beautiful hair.
Raped somebody.
Danced in the rain.
Been rejected.
Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.

Put your total Percentage as your title.
posted by Norman at 8:51 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Of course you know, this means war...
What would Halloween weekend be without a ghostly post from me - eh? That spirit has fucked up. I am now announcing a full out war.

You see, from time to time, when it's not making me uncomfortable, or letting me see it's shadow, things... disappear. One time, I was looking for the baby monitor. It wasn't on the cabinet where I'd left it. I looked there. I did! Then I enlisted the help of my husband. First place he looked: The cabinet. It wasn't there. So we looked & looked & looked. Finally - I looked at the cabinet again where it's supposed to be, and surprise! There it is! So things disappear, then magically show back up.

But now - he's (or she) has done it. My coffee is missing.

This is unfair battle tactics. You don't take a person's coffee. I don't care if you are living or dead - you just don't do that.

We bought a full thing of coffee at the store yesterday. I remember putting it away. Why? Cause it caused a 'tiff'. I tried to put it in the pantry with the "C" foods (for coffee), and my husband insisted it go under "F" for Folgers. (sidenote - this is HIS compulsion, not mine, I just pick my battles). I argued with him and said people don't ask for a cup of Folger's in the morning, they ask for a cup of coffee. So - ultimately, I won of course. He put it with the C foods. When the coffee turned up missing, I thought he was trying to be a turd and checked the F's, and it's not there. We looked all over the fricking house today, and it's nowhere to be found. This entity has screwed up. It has absconded with my coffee and I can not allow that! It should have had the decency to at least return it by now! And I know it was the ghost because he/she/it was here earlier today. That's another thing that ticks me off. It messed with Ethan! Poor baby. He's not feeling well, and he came screaming out of his room and told me he doesn't like the angry man. I asked him what angry man? And he said the angry man in his room. My oldest, Ashton - just nodded knowingly. "Oh, him. He won't hurt you Ethan. He just looks at you." WTF?? "You've been seeing something??!" I asked her. She said she had, but not for a very long time. She didn't seem too weirded out by it. She says she used to see him all the time. So I guess she thought it was normal.

What really chaps my ass is now I have to make a special nighttime trip to WalMart to get more coffee. I've got a raging headache (from caffeine withdrawals) and I know I'm going to be the puke catcher again tonight.

Man I'd kill for a big cup of coffee right now.
posted by Norman at 7:49 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Friday, October 28, 2005
THANK YOU to everyone for listening to me bitch about that protest yesterday! You want to hear the outcome? ! It's great! Apparently - several hundred anti-protester protesters showed up yesterday at the funeral. Their intent was to line the street holding the American Flag and shield the family from this ignorant protest group.

The protest group left. HAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Want to know what one of the worst sounds is? It happens at 3:00am in the morning. It goes: BLEAARRGHHH BLAARRRGHCH ROMPLTGHPPPA.. ..... .... MMOOOOOOMMYYYYY!! I threw up all over my bed! WAWAAAAAAAHHHHH.

And then begins the nightime bath to clean up vomit and try to lower 103 temp. So - I'm tired.


posted by Norman at 9:34 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
This is so sickening. I'm infuriated.
This is so sickening. I'm infuriated.

If you guys are here to read something funny, sorry. Not today. I'm angry.

The news this morning reported on the death of one of our hometown soldiers - Tommy Folks, Jr. It hit a little close to home, being that I worked with his father once. (He's since retired). Then the news went on to say that there is some Baptist Organization out of Topeka, KS that is coming here to PROTEST at his FUNERAL!

What the FUCK is that all about? They showed them on the news at a different soldier's funeral. Apparently, they love to travel around and go do their little protest while the family is trying to grieve. They hold up signs that say "God loves Dead Soldiers".

I have been searching our newspapers online to see what the fall out of this protest was today, because a bunch of people at my work were talking about the "Christian Harley Riders" that rallied and decided to go shield the fucking protesters from the family's view. God I hope they accomplished that. What kind of sick protest is this? I don't care if you are for the war or against... the fact remains - YOU DO NOT GO DO YOUR LITTLE PROTEST AT A FUNERAL! Take it to Washington, DC if you must, picket on your own front lawn, go stand in the middle of a busy highway and parade your opinion there for all I care, but you do NOT take your political stance, try to call it religious, and protest while a family is hurting.

I'm pissed. I was so ready to take the day off of work and visit the protesters myself. I wanted to beat them with a bat. I don't think anybody would've cared.

And the worst part? They plan to go to Dimmitt, TX tomorrow and do the same damned thing. I talked to my husband, he thinks we SHOULD go there tomorrow and disrupt their little party.

You know.. in Texas - "They needed shooting" is STILL a valid defense.


hopefully - I will be back to my normal programming tomorrow. Thank you for the vent
posted by Norman at 7:56 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, October 27, 2005
I'm fixing to puke. Really. I'm sitting 20 feet away from my husband... and I can smell him.
He stinks. He's refusing to sleep out in the living room too. But GAAAWDDD the SMELL!

Shower? No, the stink is oozing out of him. He ate half a freaking jar of PICKLED GARLIC. And (as if that's not enough) he also ate 6 banana peppers. He's just wrong.

I would sleep out in the living room if I could, but the baby is in our room (cause we only have a 3 bedroom house), and he doesn't wake up when she cries.

Am I wrong for thinking that eating entire cloves of garlic is cruel? We went to Wal Mart tonight, and I swear people were staying way far away from him. And the worst part is, he's a close talker. He just LOVES to get in your face to talk to you. I hate it. I'm always telling him to back the fuck up. Tonight - I was practically pushing him away. The stink... the stink!!

There are not enough tic-tacs in the world to help him right now.

posted by Norman at 8:42 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
well... crap
I'm in a funk. Don't know why. I don't even have anything to post about. But I like to update this blog. So - I'll just entertain you with various stuff that I've gotten in my e-mail.

The Red Spot


For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States.

A Cartoon

A Rant


"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well, I don't. I don't care at all!

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia.

I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling, slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

I'll care when Clinton-appointed judges stop ordering my government to release photos of the abuses at Abu Ghraib, which are sure to set off the Islamic extremists just as Newsweek's lies did a few weeks ago.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and - you guessed it - I don't care!" I don't give a sheet either about those sheet heads!!!!!

and finally... I want to go to a Scottish Rugby match

Scottish Rugby
posted by Norman at 6:55 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Vegas Bay--bee!!
I really love my job sometimes. I just got forced... yes - FORCED, to go to Vegas for 3 days. Then after that, instead of flying home, I head over to San Francisco for a couple days, THEN I get to go home. Yeessss..... I think I played it off pretty good. My other two whiny co-workers are griping because this is the 3rd time I get sent to Vegas this year, and added on to that is the San Francisco leg... HAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!

And in other work news - I got PUBLISHED today!! Bonus! Not that I'll get a cash bonus for it, but hey - I got National Recognition!

Bummer for today? I had to go register for college. That pisses me off! I've been doing this job for 6 years, and today, someone noticed... Holy Crap - she's only got a high school degree. How did this happen?! She needs to go to school. So Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, it's back to school I go. How the HELL am I going to swing this? I get up at the crackass of dawn and drive 40 freaking miles to the edge of nowhere to work 8 hours a day. Then I drive home and start my REAL job, taking care of 3 children - all under the age of 7. I'm going to be entering college at the age of 35 as a freshman. I'll probably be 55 by the time I graduate. Oh well. At least my work will pay 100% books & tuition, as long as I maintain a B average. And my major? Criminal Justice. Kewl.

My husband has two degrees, and I don't think it's made him any smarter. Just the other day, we were sitting at my parent's house, and my dad & I were discussing the rise in cost of Natural Gas. It's estimated the prices will be 55% higher than last year. My 2 degreed husband popped out with this... "Why are natural gas prices raising?" I think I just stared at him in disbelief before I answered.. "Well gee hunny, I don't know... maybe it's the HURRICANES that decimated the gulf coast?" His reply? "Well - that wouldn't affect the oil production... would it?" My response? It can only be described as the dumbfounded look that you see on tv. My dad, who is a cnn freak, just looked insulted. I don't think he's going to be claiming my husband as a son-in-law anytime soon.

phew. What a day. It ended up fun though. I took my 7 year old to see STOMP at the Civic Center. She really enjoyed it. She's a cute kid, and pretty special to me. I've not showed her picture before, but I don't want to post hers for too long, because she's at that age that sick pervos would get a kick out of it. So look fast! I'll be taking it down soon!


Awwww...isn't she cute? She's my guinea pig. I tell her that I try all my parental stuff on her first, so that I'll know what works better with the other two. She's pretty forgiving of any mistakes I make! And by the way.. I have NO CLUE why her hair is wet in her picture. She's not spilling the beans, but she looks awfully guilty whenever I ask her. Seems to me I remember her being sent home with a discipline report on picture day....

posted by Norman at 9:06 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Monday, October 24, 2005
What did he just say????
Marvin K. Mooney
Which Dr. Seuss character are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

I got the above quiz after I visited Stephanie's blog. My son LOVES Dr. Seuss!.

It reminded me of the time I thought he'd developed a serious attitude problem. I was home for the day, and Ethan was 2 at the time. Since I didn't have to go to work - I thought I'd do some 'real work' around the house, and started washing dishes. About that time, Ethan toddled in and said..VERY CLEARLY "Mommy. I can't find my fuckin' socks." Oh NOOOOO!! I'm so going to knock the fire outta my husband. I mean - I certainly don't say that word out loud at home. Never! (seriously folks!) But in the meantime, I decide not to make a big deal out of the f-bomb because I don't want that word to stick with him... do I? "Um. Sweetie - you're socks are in your dresser drawer. Why don't you go look for them?" He gave me a 'Huh?' look and went to his room. I washed a few more dishes, and then I heard it again. "MOOOOMMMMMY!! I FOUND MY FUCKIN' SOCKS!"

That's it. I threw the dishrag down and stomped into his room. I was ready to ask him WHERE exactly he had heard that word, and then I was prepared to call my husband and read him the riot act (cause we all know I'm good at starting riots). I turned the corner into Ethan's room, and he was sitting calmly in the middle of the floor reading his book. His Dr. Seuss book. "See Mommy? Fuckin' Socks". It's his beloved Fox in Socks. His very favorite book in the wholewideworld. The book I have to read to him every night. The book he has memorized by rote. Fox in Sox. THANK GOD!

I then did what any parent would do in this situation. I called my mom, and put her beloved grandson on the phone. Held up the book. "Ethan! Tell Memere what this book is!" "FUCKIN SOCKS!" yeah!! My mother has a great sense of humor. She gets my dad on the phone. (My dad is the one who e-mailed me the pumpkin butt, nuff said)Ethan repeats for him his favorite book title. My dad calls his friends. and so on. My phone rang all day. Different family members called Ethan to ask him about his favorite book. Then, at bedtime, we read "Fuckin' Socks" one last time, then I hid it away for a while. Time to work on enunciation! And definitely not a book to bring to church anytime soon. But ya know what? We recorded him saying this on the computer. It's on either a .wav or .mp3 format. If I can figure out how to post it.. I will!

posted by Norman at 5:47 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Think it'll be a full moon on Halloween?

**Disclaimer... THIS IS NOT MY ASS!!!
posted by Norman at 8:00 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
21st Century Archie Bunker
I like to hit the "next blog" button on my blog, to see what's hiding behind the corner. I found this last night:

Filthy Hippies

I laughed the entire time reading this blog. This guy is hilarious! I don't know if he really really means the things he says, don't know if he's for real, but it was funny. I started at the archives and worked my way forward.

He sounds like Archie Bunker in the 21st century. He pissed off quite a few people, and they left him a bunch of hate comments. Apparently he was taking it upon himself to go visit other blogs & either call them filthy hippies, or tell them they were going to go to hell. They, in turn, asked him to never visit their blogs again.

I don't know, I just have a weird sense of humor I guess. I don't get the feeling that he is for real, I think it's very entertaining though! I don't necessarily buy all his views, but the way he words them.... ehheheeeee!! I just kept getting this visual of an angry man just griping and griping, and well - that's where my Archie Bunker comparison comes from.

I myself was entertained. I hope you are!


**EDIT NOTICE*** I just realized that I put I found him "last night". This is an inadvertant untruth! I meant to type "The OTHER night"!! I actually found him the other night.... sheesh. I've been hanging around my kids too much. EVERYTHING to them is "last night". No sense of time!! LOL
posted by Norman at 9:00 AM | Permalink | 8 comments
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Do-it-yourself despooking
I did a little reading online about apparitions & house cleansings. I'm not going to try to freak out my kids too much by hanging chicken feet from the ceiling fan blades, or walk around with a garlic necklace, but I did read quite a few sites that suggested talking to spirits.

Why are candles necessary? The only candle I had on hand were my little glass votives. They're really cheap & I buy them this time of year since pumpkin smashers are plentiful, and don't always take the candles out before rolling your pumpkin down the street... but I digress! During naptime, I shut all the appliances off in the house, pulled the shades (so the neighbors wouldn't see me), and walked around with my little lit candle. I walked from room to room and declared each & every room to be MINE! I told them to move on, this was our house, and they needed to depart. I spoke that clearly & firmly in each room. By the time I got to the bedroom, I was starting to feel better about the whole thing. Made it through the bedroom and went into the master bathroom. I set the candle down, and went into the closet. I firmly stated "This is my house....." and the fucking candle blew up. I think I almost blew out my pants as well (not really, but I think I may have tinkled a bit). That really scared me!

I'm going to be rational and just guess that that was a weak spot in the votive. Right? I mean, candle holders can blow up, right? SOMEBODY REASSURE ME THAT CANDLES REALLY DO BLOW UP!!

posted by Norman at 7:23 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Friday, October 21, 2005
So I'm a little freaked right now
OK. BIG time freaked. My husband just now convinced me to come back into the house. I was swearing earlier that I would NOT set foot in here again.

Now - I know some of you think I'm totally ridiculous - but there IS really a .... thing... in my house. I have no idea who or what it is, but it's very unnerving. There was the night that my son asked me who was standing behind me.. very freaky. And what about time my baby kept staring off to the corner of the room and smiling & waving? Really very odd.

Tonight - out of the blue, I just stepped into our bedroom, flipped on the overhead light, and it happened.

The whole room lit up like it should, except for one patch, smack dab in the center of the room. This dark patch remained and was oddly in the shape of a person. It also had it's arms out to the side, but as I focused on it, it's arms slowly drifted down, and then the entire thing disappeared. So did I. I ran so fast out of the room that I don't think my feet touched the ground once. My husband found me cowering in the garage, and it has taken him a good 45 minutes to even convince me to come back into THIS room, which is as far away from our bedroom as I can get. I don't know if he believes me or not, but apparently - he went into the room and flicked the lights on and off a few times to see if he could replicate some sort of "anomaly" that would have caused this shadowy figure. Nope. Imagine that.

But he did suggest that I blog about it, since sometimes, when people write about stuff it's kinda like a therapeutic thing. I'm not feeling better though. Just by describing this incident, I'm wigging out again. yeah. I'm freaked. I'm outta here again!

posted by Norman at 10:54 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Another e-mail joke

I love e-mail jokes. I just got this one... had to share!!

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

And now - a final word about this picture. When I was reading the above joke, my husband was peering over my shoulder. He saw the photo and said "Geez. That's exactly what I feel like in the morning"

What makes that so funny to me? He's dead serious about that.

posted by Norman at 9:32 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Shit Yeah!
I really really wasn't going to submit you guys to another quiz thing. I promise I wasn't going to... until I did this quiz. Actually - it wasn't until I got the RESULT of this quiz that I decided to post it.

I promise I did not try to bend this my way. I answered all the questions HONESTLY! I had NO CONTROL over the result. It just popped up...

You Are a Margarita

You aren't just the life of the party, you are the party!
You mix a good drink, bust out some great music, and know how to get down.
What Mixed Drink Are You?

ooooh yeaaaah.

I shit you not - I even have margarita earrings! This is my all-time favorite drink! Just frozen with a lil' salt and ooooooo yes!! It's so so so LICK-A-LICIOUS!

ummmmm. I'm gonna get one of these from my freezer right now. I got the bucket frozen and ready to go....

posted by Norman at 7:31 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I think this little quiz is jacked up
I'm so much weirder than 30%. I mean - come ON! My whole life- all I've heard is "You're soooo weird!" weird weird weird.

only 30%? THAT'S weird.

You Are 30% Weird
Not enough to scare other people...But sometimes you scare yourself.
How Weird Are You?

OOPS! I hit publish post instead of save as draft! Heh. Anyhoooooo - some of my YANKEE friends were telling me that I had a terrible Texan accent. Which I think is funny because all my TEXAN friends tell me that I have a funny northern accent. But then my friend saved the day - and helped me with my confusion... she sent me this link:


It asked me a bunch of questions and I answered them. The verdict? I'm 71% Dixie - which translates to southern ya'll!!

But that would make sense, since my parents are from Vermont, and I've lived in the South my whole life.

Tally: 71% Dixie
30% Weird

so what's that extra 1% I wonder? Must be my EXTRASENSORY ABILITIES!! YEAH!

posted by Norman at 6:46 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Happy Shiny People
Have you ever seen a person- a complete and total stranger- somewhere and just instantly feel a connection to them? Every now and then, I'll see a person that I just notice. I'm a people watcher. Most times, I see people in a hurry, people that are angry, people that are sad... but then I'll see one that causes all other observances to stop. I have no idea who these people are, but I am fascinated by them. If they happen to notice me looking at them, I'm compelled to smile at them. Not a polite smile, but a genuine "NICE TO SEE YOU" smile. I can't help it. Their appearance, the presence that they radiate, call out to me. I wonder who they are and why I'm so struck by the feeling of goodness I see in them. Then - they are gone. They are off to their homes, their families, their children, and I'll never see them again. But I'm always left with a lasting peace that makes me feel like I've experienced something. Cool, huh? I ran into one of those special people today. He was standing in front of the convenience store, and I was at the drive up next door, waiting my turn. As I idly watched traffic move in and out of the parking lot, I focused in on this person and I felt it. That peaceful happiness flowing over me. He was watching the parking lot, the same as I, and had his hands fisted in his pants pocket, while rocking back and forth on his feet. He was dressed plainly in jeans, t-shirt and ball cap, and projected a look of nonchalance that made me envious. I'm always rushing... here, there, everywhere - but this guy was calm and relaxed. He rocked some more and shrugged his shoulders up to his ears. I watched as his shirt rode up and exposed his tummy, which he self-consciously tugged down. I began to wonder who he was, where he was going, who was he waiting for, what was he doing... what was he doing.. what was ... HEY! WHAT WAS HE DOING!? I watched in horrified fascination as the parking lot cleared to his satisfaction. He reached down, put his hand on a suspicious bulge that he had tried to cover with his t-shirt and headed quickly into the store. I've seen those bulges before! I frantically scrabbled for my cell phone and called 911. Breathlessly - I relayed the store location to the operator and watched. He was backing out of the store a scant 2 minutes later when the first cruiser roared up. There was very little drama in their arrest of him, and he had only managed to thief $60 and a carton a cigarettes from the clerk. I was directed to drive around the back of the store by the 911 operator and give the police a description of what I had witnessed, which I did in a mild state of shock.

I don't think I'll trust my peaceful people intuitions anymore.

posted by Norman at 6:41 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Monday, October 17, 2005
Life Explained
For those of you who ponder the meaning of life, my friend explained it to me mere seconds ago via e-mail.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said:"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said:"That's kind of a tough life you want me to livefor sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. Forthis, I'll give you twenty years."But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat,sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.Life has now been explained to you.

And my dad attempted to give me a few pointers for my upcoming trips next month:

posted by Norman at 8:37 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I'm a messed up barbie!!!
I've been farting around at Quizilla, can ya tell?? I got a huge ol' belly laugh out of this one!!

Exotic Dancer
You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by
posted by Norman at 8:39 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Since I'm still obsessing over the psychic from this weekend
I thought this would be fun to post:

Ghosts follow you because they want to protect you!
They adore that either your not scared of them
or how you react when they scare you and they
know that they can trust you with their

Is there a ghost following you? And if there is what does it want?(Pics, Backround, Music!)
brought to you by
posted by Norman at 10:28 AM | Permalink | 4 comments
Saturday, October 15, 2005
The 2nd Riot Story
This riot was more fun. No one got physically harmed, and it was a rush to see all my supporters!

Setting: San Antonio, TX 1987

My friend Margie and I decided to check out a new hotspot by the name of "Club Miami". It was the cool happening place at the time (or so we thought). I mean, c'mon! They're letting us in, and we're underage! This bar is open to teens!! WOW!

So that began our introduction to the bar scene. When we got there. We were so... freaking... disappointed. Shit. We got ourselves all dolled up for nothing! Sure - yeah, we got in - we even paid a cover charge. But I don't know what for. There was no bar in the bar. I think the top age present was 20. We were so bummed. Add on top of that - we were the only white girls in the place. Now - I grew up in San Antonio. The hispanic population in good ol' SA is HUGE. I have NO problems with people that are not white. None whatsoever - but apparently, some of da homegirls didn't like the hueras or if I screwed up that spelling: chica blancas invading their turf. After receiving many sneers & eat shit looks from the girls, we decided to leave. There was no beer in the bar - but there was beer in my car!!! Vaya con didos peeps. Out the door we went.

We set across the parking lot to my car, but that's funny... DUDE WHERE'S MY CAR!? Holy crap! Someone stole my car! I was just beside myself! Who in their right mind would steal my car??? It's a piece of shit! I darted to the friendly rent-a-cop in the parking lot and tearfully explained my situation. I even told him that my car was a piece of shit, and should not be on the "want list" of any grand auto theft person who wasn't smoking crack. (Side note - it was a white 1984 Dodge Colt, hatchback, it looked like a fucking egg on wheels. Would YOU want to steal that? You can imagine my confusion better now.) So - Mr. Rent a Cop asked me where I parked my car. I pointed to the blank spot where my car had been parked. At this bit of information, he put his radio down, and gently informed me that my car had not, in fact, been stolen - it had been towed by the guy that owned the dive bar on the corner. He said that the guy didn't like Club Miami patrons, and decided to get back at them by designating parking spots as "No parking". He also painted "No Parking" on the curb in tiny little letters, just like this. It's very hard to read this, isn't it? Now imagine you are in a dark parking lot, and someone has written "No Parking" in teeny faded letters. Are you going to see this? I THINK NOT!!!

I headed over to the bar. This happened to be a "Over 21" bar - meaning, I can't get in. I yanked open the door and yelled into the smoky haze that poured out - HEY! GET THE FUCKING OWNER OVER HERE PRONTO !!! Every head in there rotated in my direction. A huge shadow loomed over me, and I was thusly introduced to the owner of this dive bar.

Have you guys seen "Porky's?" If you haven't seen Porky's, this description will mean absolutely nothing to you - but I swear to GOD this guy... was... Porky. He looked just like that fat round man. Unbelievable. If I hadn't been so pissed - I would have asked for his autograph. But he pissed me off, and I was going to let him know it. "Sir - did you tow my car?" (hey - this is Texas - everyone is Sir or Ma'am). He grunted, considered me for a moment, and said "I dunno... did you park there?" he gestured with one obscenely swollen finger. God knows where that thing's been... "Yes - my car was parked there, I was in that stupid club over there for 15 minutes, I came out and my car is gone!" He mulled that over, then cracked an idiotic grin and said, "Then Hell yeah I towed your car! That there is a "No Parking Zone". I looked at him for a second and then broke into a verbal barrage like no other. I cussed him up and down. I cursed his mother, his father, any children he might have, and his dog. I swore like a sailor. I was on a roll, and ain't no one was gonna stop me! He waited until I took a breath, then handed me a business card, and told me to call the number there, that's who towed my car. And then he dropped the bomb: "It's my brother's towing company". He started to laugh, turned away and shut the door on my face. I was incredulous! I began to kick the door, and beat on it. Margie, in the meantime had done the only thing she could do.. She called my Dad. We needed a ride!

The hell I was raising, (the shouting and screaming) attracted the attention of people heading to Club Miami. They stopped, and stood around to watch the show. A couple of them had to have gone in the club and told them of the drama going on outside. Apparently - this guy had quite the racket going with his brother and regularly towed cars. NOBODY was happy with this man, and now some crazy little white chick was reading him the riot act.

He came back up and told me to stop beating on his door, or he'd call the cops. I told him to go ahead. I was so mad at this point, I didn't care WHAT he did. He bellowed in to his wife to call the police, and stood outside. I guess he wanted to guard his door, because by now there was a crowd of about 20 people standing around. They were starting to holler & cat call at the man. Some were inciting others to throw bricks through his windows. I was just waiting for the angry mob with the pitchforks & torches to show... ahhh - THAT would've been sweet!

His wife came out and told us the cops were on the way. Then she began to harangue me for verbally abusing her husband. I told her to shut the fuck up and said my father was on his way to pick me up. I told her that her & her husband could explain to my dad why they towed my car, and the nice little racket that her family had going on. She said "Well - when you're dad gets here, I'm going to tell him what a foul-mouthed person you are."... my reply? 'SHUT UP YOU SPERM-BURPING WHORE! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!!' Now apparently, those were the magic words for the crowd behind me to expand and advance. They ran back into their little bar and locked the door. The crowd stood outside chanting until the cops showed up. and then POOF they were gone.

Cops are like magic!! So here I am on a muggy night in downtown San Antonio, talking about the situation with the cops. The bar owners popped out, and told them what a bad person I was, and that I had tried to get them killed. I told the police that they had a racket going, where they had their brother towing cars from the parking lot. The police then informed both of us - that they had already received complaints on this very occurence, and they would like it to stop. About this time, my dad drove up. I ran to him, and started explaining the whole damn mess. I heard someone scuffle up behind me, and turned to see Porky himself. "That your dad?" he grumbled. "Well - duh, he's the only other white guy here genius" At this, the man started to tell my dad what a foul mouthed bad temper little thing I was. And my dad... my WONDERFUL daddy - who I've never heard say a cuss word in his life - replied "Shut up asshole" And that was that. I think that man gave up on us.

We left to retrieve my car. Had to pay $50 towing fees - but I had my egg back - and I had actually had a fun night.

My dad never mentioned it to me again, other than to tell me that I must get my mouth from my mother....

posted by Norman at 9:43 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Well - this was very strange...
I worked a fundraiser last night. You all have been to them: The extreme hard scare haunted houses that always pop up this time of year. I love 'em. My job was to be a screamer! I'm very VERY good at this. I'm proud to say "I'm a Screamer!" heh heh heh. But this wasn't the strange part!

The strange part was, the palm & tarot card reader that was there last night. Very odd. Now I've been to a psychic before, and I've been to a palm reader before. I find this all very fascinating business. But since this chick was running a special last night - get your palm read & your tarot cards done for only $10 - I jumped at it. It's all in good fun, and it's a fundraiser.

Seeing that the cost was so low, I wasn't holding out much hope for anything *real* per se, but just for fun. I was expecting to hear the "tall dark handsome" man thingie and the "you'll be very rich" spiel. So imagine my surprise when she popped out with something that was completely out of the main stream, and 150% accurate with an event that is ongoing at this time.

oh - let me give you a bummer: I can't tell you the reading. SORRY! I was all set to tell you guys how incredible this was, and prove it by telling you what she'd said, when she cautioned me against revealing my reading to outsiders.

But this was so incredible. Everything she said. I'm a true believer in this woman now, after just 5 minutes of conversing with her. In fact, I have convinced my husband to go speak with her tonight, just to verify my reading!! And - I'm toying with the idea of shelling out $10 more just to ask her a question. I honestly believe that just asking her this question is worth $10. Want to know the question I'm going to ask? I think I can tell you since I haven't spoken with her yet.

Here's the question:

"Who is the being that is following me around at my house?"

My enquiring mind wants to know. I've posted about this before. My kids see this person. They freak me out when they talk about it. Just off of what she says, I think I might have my answer.

I'll let ya know! And one more thing. **If** what she tells me about this sounds even remotely plausible - I will post her phone number for you so that my Texas Panhandle readers can toy with the option of visiting with her....

posted by Norman at 12:37 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Riot Gear Anyone??
I thought the Brain Pattern thingie I did below was interesting because it says that I am a natural influencer. Yeah I am! It brought to mind the two riots in my life that I have instigated. Here's the beach riot.....

Setting: Port Aransas, 1988 Spring Break

Ok. So on Spring Break, it doesn't take much agitating to start a riot. I found this out for myself firsthand. I actually kinda feel bad about this ruckus, because some damage was sustained. (oopsie). But this is what happened.

I don't know if any of the Texans reading this are familiar with Port A, but on our beaches here, in 1988, you could drive your personal vehicle on the beach. Major pollution hazard, but everyone did it. The coast was packed, and everyone was milling about waiting for the beach concert to start. (Joan Jett). My friend Margie (who incidentally is my partner in ALL crimes I've committed)had just finished off the last of the beer. Bummer. We're underage, didn't have a lot of cash on us, and no fake ID's. Margie has battled a weight problem her whole life, but she's probably THE coolest person I know. Margie told me to get some more beer. This involved me trolling up to single guys and asking them for a beer. I would sashay my cute little pre-kid body up & down the beach, toss my waist-length hair, and bat my eyes at them. I generally was able to retrieve a 12-pack. (I worked it!) I had just finished making our improvised "beer run", when one of the guys that I had conned a beer from drove up behind me. I was in the process of giving the can to Margie when the rude asswipe started grousing. "Hey chick - I didn't give a beer to your beached whale buddy there, I gave it to YOU." THAT got my dander up. Don't fuck with my friends man! I approached his car, smiled sweetly and said "Sorry. I misunderstood. Here's your beer back!" and I proceeded to dump it on his head & lap. After this, I've now acquired - a black eye. Prick. Luckily - some blond buff guys saw this, and ran to his car - pulled him out of the window, and dotted his eye. Not to be outdone, I grabbed a handful of sand, and finished the insult to his eyes. I also started screaming at him and setting up all kinds of hell. There's a fight on! Kewl! Now I've got 50 people surrounding me, and I'm yelling about how the bastard has clocked me. I have the shiner to prove it. All the guys in the crowd now converge upon the asshole, and proceeded to start pounding & pushing this guy's car. Next thing I know, his car is flipped upside down, and cops are everywhere! About 15 people were cuffed, and whaddya know, I'm one of them! Margie had vanished, but I knew she was off probably trying to beg bail money for me. Now remember, I've been drinking beer. I .. feel... invincible! I struggled to my feet, and saw that the cops were too busy chasing other rioters to pay much attention to lil' ol me... and I ran. Handcuffed and drunk - I charged thru the dunes, and ran to the nearest bunch of guys that I see. "Hide me!" I gasped, and dove into their truck. So, here's a group of guys that have now acquired a drunk girl in a bikini wearing handcuffs. Apparently - this is a dream some guys have! But it worked. I am now a fugitive on the beach! And guess what! One of them just happened to have... a handcuff key! I'M FREE!! YAAAAAY!!! I enlisted their help to find my friend, and we spent the rest of the day with this very cool group of guys. Left Port Aransas that night, and I've never been back. I'm scared there's a poster out there somewhere saying "Wanted". What's the statute of limitations on escape anyway? I mean - I was never actually read my rights, just cuffed and seated on the ground. I have no pictures of this occurrence, but I do have one very cool souvenir... A set of handcuffs & key, courtesty of the Port Aransas PD.

posted by Norman at 7:24 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
This makes sense:
Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.
What Pattern Is Your Brain?

This makes sense because I have been known to incite riots in the past. Honest! But that would be a story for later. Let me know via comments if you really REALLY want to hear that one. And please specify: The drunken beach riot or the drunken how-dare-you-tow-my-car riot?

I stole the above quiz idea from JustMoa (aka Hot Biscuit).

I have a very very sick baby right now. I was up all night (literally) with her, she's 10 mths old & really this is the first time she's been sick. Which is a blessing considering I've got two miniature cootie-factories that spurt out infectious agents with each breath. Breath that they love spouting out in her general direction. But hey - that's okay. I figure she'll have the most impressive immunity by the time she's 3, and will be able to withstand ANY bio-terrorist attack, much like the cockroach. gads. Did I just say that? Must be the lack of sleep. Not to mention that my husband has pissed me off and I have NO FAH-REAKING Dark Blog to bitch about it anymore.

crap. I'm reduced to rambling now. I'm going to go blow off some steam with a nice frosty frozen margarita (of which I have a biiiiig bucket in my freezer), and a poker game. Ya'll come play poker with me some time!

posted by Norman at 8:10 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Monday, October 10, 2005
I was accused of attempted murder

My husband is HOT. No no no, not THAT kind of hot.. he's pissed! He says I tried to kill him. Did I drop rat poison in his coffee... no. Did I try to back over him with the car? no, not today.

The big baby is mad cause he snores and breathes heavy at night. no no NO! Not THAT kind of heavy breathing you pervs! The deep breath can't-breathe-thru-your-nose kind of breathing.


See, here's my story-and-i'm-sticking-to-it:

I'm trying to sleep, and I'm a light sleeper. He starts up with the buzz snore. You know the kind. Not really a snarfy snore, but the kind that buzzes in his throat. So I gently kicked his stomach. He just oofed, farted and turned over. Well. I guess I won't do THAT again. Stinker. But it did stop the buzzing. Then he started this crap where he buzz snores, then I guess it kinda catches in his throat on the way up and THEN started the snarfy snore. Just freakin' great. So, taking care not to touch his stomach (which he's apparently booby-trapped with farts), I push on his butt with both my feet.

I learned something. I guess pushing on his butt with both my feet sends a signal to his sub-conscious that screams 'COME & GET ME I REALLY REALLY WANT YOU'. Cause he flopped over on me and wouldn't move. And he snored. So I wiggled a little -OOPS bad idea. At least part of him's awake. Planted both hands on his chest and heaved him off. He mumbled something about cold and witches and drifted back to sleep. Oh well... ahhhhhh nice & quiet. Snoring's stopped.

But now came the breaths. Deep, lung flattening breaths. Really loud. I think I prefer the snoring.

I put a pillow over my head. But I still hear it. How can someone BREATHE that loud?? Forget the pillow over my head... I gently place it on his head. Nope. I can still hear him. I push on the pillow a little bit. hmmm. that works. But I can still hear him. I laid on the pillow. YES! VICTORY! Peace & quiet! I snuggle down and try to sleep.

But now HE'S squirming and pushing ME off him (huh, that's a first). And blabbering something about suffocation and such. So I kicked him out of the room. TO THE COUCH WITH YOU!

But he was still pissy this morning. Seems really convinced that I actually tried to kill him. How ridiculous. I pled Nolo Contendre
posted by Norman at 9:57 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
An easy one...
hmmm. I have an angry husband right now. Apparently he thinks I've tried to murder him. More on that later! I've got to walk eggshells right now.

BUT! I've noticed I've not put anything new on here since Friday, so here's a quicky (hehehehe.... quicky)

I stole this from Spicy Cracker's Blog. This one actually doesn't require much thought! The things are already layed (HAHAHAHHA... layed) out for you, just bold the ones that apply.

As soon as I strategize my defense, I'll be back.


**edited** Thought I might add some disclaimers to a few of these. AND I forgot to add an original statement at the end. Sorry Spicy!

I’ve run away from home.
I listen to political music.
I collect comic books.
I shut others out when I’m sad.
I open up to others easily.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I watch the news.
I own over 5 rap CDs.
I own an ipod.
I own something from Hot Topic.
I love Disney movies.
I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
I don’t kill bugs.
I have “x”s in my screen name.
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a real conversation.
I love Spam.
I bake well.
I would wear pajamas to school/work. And I probably have too.
I own something from Abercrombie.
I have a job. and a kewl one at that
I love Martha Stewart.
I am in love with someone.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
I am self conscious. sometimes
I like to laugh. always
I smoke a pack a day. started back up about 3 months ago *what a pisser*
I loved Go Ask Alice. -- didn't love it, but I did read the book. Crazy shit
I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
I can’t swallow pills.
I have many scars.
I’ve been out of this country. but not VERY far, just to Mexico & Canada
I believe in ghosts. YEAH I DO!!
I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room. oh good god no. **Reference my Full Frontal Friday post**
I am really ticklish. hehehehee
I love chocolate. during that time of the month i do
I bite my nails.
I am comfortable with being me. mostly
I play computer games/video games when I’m bored. nah.. i blog
Gotten lost in the city. I get lost everywhere
Saw a shooting star well - duh
I have had 2 serious surgical procedures. .... NOPE - Just one
I have kissed a stranger. oh yeaaaaah. 6th Street in Austin...
Hugged a stranger. see above
Been in a fist fight with the same sex. (I was way young)
Been arrested. sorta
Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
Made out in an elevator.
Sworn at my parents. (holy shit - never! The woman would've walloped me!)
Kicked a guy where it hurts. he had it coming
Been skydiving.
Been bungee jumping.
Broken a bone.
Played spin the bottle.
Gotten stitches. (Well - yeah... I've got 3 kids)
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
Bitten someone.
Been to Niagara Falls.
Gotten the chicken pox.
Crashed into a car. (and a cow!)
Been to Asia.
Ridden in a taxi.
Been fired. assholes
Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
Stole something from my job.
Gone on a blind date.
Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
Been to Europe.
Slept with a co-worker. (but then I married him...)
Been married.
Gotten divorced. (not yet)
Saw someone dying. Everyday for 5 years - I worked in a Nursing Home
Driven over 400 miles in one day.
Been to Canada. That's my ancestral background!!
Been on a plane.
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (AND I participated in it!!)
Thrown up in a bar. not yet
Eaten Sushi.
Been snowboarding.
Been skiing.
Been ice skating.
Met someone in person from the internet. LAST WEEK !!
Been to a car show.
Gone to college. sorta
Done hard drugs.
Taken painkillers. whenever I can manage it!
Met a celebrity. Joan Jett, Huey Lewis, and Brad Pitt's stunt double
I like playing practical jokes.
Once swore Disco would never die.
Seen a ghost. Does glowing lights count?
Attended a professional sporting event.
Attended a live rock concert. RATT, Bon Jovi, STP, Cheap Trick
Stayed up all night. again... i have 3 kids.... nuff said
Thrown something at a spouse (hey - I was provoked)
posted by Norman at 12:24 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Friday, October 07, 2005
Guys are so gross
So I've noticed that I haven't seen my son in awhile. I started searching for him, and all of a sudden I hear giggling coming from his closet. Nervously, I slide open the doors and find him standing in there, with his pants off. He's grabbed a hold of his stuff, and has pulled it up as far as it will go. His little "peeny" is trapped there, just the top part sticking up. "Look Mommy, I have a baby kangaroo in my pouch!"

"Oh My!" I exclaim, "Look at that!!"

And I gently slide the door shut and leave. Best not to make too much of an issue out of that. I find my husband and relay to him what his son is doing. He looks proud. I asked him why guys do this, and he gives me the explanation of "Well, they're fun to play with." Riiiiiiiiigght.

To distract myself from the Wild Kingdom episode playing out in my son's room, I decide to do some laundry. I'm in the process of loading the washer, when I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Look Honey! I got a GIRAFFE peeking outta my pouch!"

the fun never stops here.



You're Brigitte Bardot!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by


I copied Livey on that pin up girl quiz! She had it on her blog so I thought I'd give it a whirl too. Kinda funny. It got the French part right... but I don't know about sultry-eyed or pouty-lipped... LOL
posted by Norman at 9:08 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
5 Truths and a Lie
Ever played this? I'll give you six statements about me. Five of them will be true, and one of them will be a lie. You need to try to guess the lie.. Ready?

1. Brad Pitt's stunt double asked me out once
2. I'm scared of stuffed animals
3. My real name is Stephanie
4. I type 100 wpm
5. I live next door to a murdering drug runner
6. I stuff my bra

Ok... Guess which one of those 6 statements is a lie!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way - some of you were asking how I became Norman.... You can find that post here. I'm trying to figure out how to put that link in my profile, so right now I'm currently dicking around with my template. If my page appears jacked up, please understand that I am experiencing technical difficulties (aka brainfart) and our technicians are currently working on the problem... (aka... HONEEEYYY!! I SCREWED UP MY WEB PAGE AGAAAAAIN!!)

Oh - and I received this today, thought I needed to share:

The Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so

Pappy told her, "Susie Gal
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know
But Joe is yo' half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after telling Pappy this
He said, "There's trouble still"

"You can't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell yo' mother
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother"

But Mama knew and said "My child.
Just do what makes you happy
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"

posted by Norman at 7:21 PM | Permalink | 17 comments
Thursday, October 06, 2005
You HAVE to do this!!
This is fun!

Go here. Make sure your sound is turned up. Trust me! Just do it. Takes like 1 minute........MWAHHAHAAAAAA

Does anyone else have lesbian dogs? I, apparently, do. I just looked out the side door and the two female dogs are humping away. The male dog is watching. Typical.


**oh... and please let me know if you visited the link I placed above!!
posted by Norman at 8:10 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Middle Kid
Whoever came up with the idea that the middle child is ignored, should come to my house sometime. My middle child will not allow anyone to ignore him. Simply put, he's an insane 3 year old, that only gets goofier as the days go by. I should've known he'd stand out from day one. He's been a nut from the day he was born. Let me show you these picture, and I swear by all that's holy - I've not altered these pictures in any way.

Okay - this picture was taken when he was 2 weeks old. It's his first bath - the one they get to take as soon as their bellybuttons fall off. Looks normal, right? He weighed the requisite 8 pounds in this picture.

Now let's jump forward 6 weeks. See a difference? My child has kaploded! He's HUGE. Look at his legs! You can even see sock prints for God's sake. And that smile. He looks like Buddah taking a bath.

I just showed you those to give you some background... well - also cause those photos make me laugh too. But this middle child will not be ignored. He's the one who tagged me with the name "Norman", and he's the one that we're always chasing in this house. My older child is forever trying to hide from him, since he loves to jump out from unexpected places and freak the hell out of her. And we think he made the baby learn to walk early, so that she could hide from him as well.

I tried to take a picture of him last week. He wouldn't stand still. I swear he flexed his toe - and leapt into the air. I happened to catch the leap in mid-flight. Check it out.

It almost looks like he's doing a stunt on a skateboard. Kinda like a miniature Tony Hawk.

I don't know what I'd do without him. He drives me crazy most days, and crazier on the other days. But he's fun. I mean.. gosh - without him, I wouldn't be Norman!
posted by Norman at 8:22 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
I cried this morning.
Did I tell you guys that I won a progressive jackpot in Vegas? It's quite the story. Set your ass down & read for a sec. Let me tell you how this went down.

I had a business trip in Vegas, so I brought my husband with me, why the heck not? It's a cheap vacation for us! We decided to use our "comps" from the last time we were there, and ended up getting $100 free gaming chips at the New York New York. Now - I don't know if you're familiar with the free gaming chip, but the way it works is they give you one $100 chip, that can only be used for gaming. You can't cash it in, and you can only use it on table games. No problem. We went to the Roulette table, and I plunked the chip down on black. Well - black won... so I doubled my money. I picked up the new chip, and left the free chip on black. Black called again. COOL!! I'm up $200, and I haven't even spent any of my REAL money!! Bonus! So, now I switched the free chip to red, and the damn thing won again. At this point, the roulette dealer (spinner? caller?), jokingly told me that with my luck, I ought to bet it full on a number. So what the heck... it's free money anyway. I plunked it down on "00". Guess what. "00" hit. So by the time I stopped my screaming & hollering, the guy had counted out $3600 in REAL money for me. I was ecstatic! It just couldn't get any better. So I gave my husband some of the new money, and cashed in one of the $100 chips I had just won. Then I headed to the progressive jackpots, and started to play, at $10 a pull. And I won. I won $27 million!!! HOLY CRAP. You should have heard all the bells & shit sounding off. The casino people came and congratulated me and took the machine I was playing out of commission. Apparently, they check it to make sure that I didn't gizmo it up or anything. But it checked out ok and my husband & I were "comped" a free room in the expensive suite!! We were so pumped! I have never been so excited in my life! Anyway.. we called my parents and told them to get on the next plane there, and told them that we had tickets at the counter with their names, & my kids. All they had to do was pick up the tickets.

So my parents got there & we told them the good news. I told them I was going to quit my job and I was going to be able to stay home with the kids. We started making plans to move to Austin, cause we have a lot of friends & family there. Then I called my boss. The phone rang, and rang and rang and then she picked up, but the phone kept ringing... and .. and... SHIT!!! It was my alarm clock, and I had to wake up!!

Oh man. I was so distraught. I actually cried! I had it all! Shit shit SHIT!

I never remember my dreams. NEVER! So. I've been upset about this all day. And now I've decided I want to blame someone for being so upset. And I've come up with the perfect person to blame. His name is Michael. I think I'll blame him for this dream that I actually REMEMBERED. You see, just last week Michael blogged about dreams, and I responded that I never ever remember my dreams. Michael felt sorry for me. Well. Now I feel sorry for ME!

Good God what a bummer it was to wake up this morning & be poor again. Probably tonight I'll remember a dream again and it'll be me winning the Mega Lottery...

Shit. I hate ups & downs.

posted by Norman at 6:39 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Monday, October 03, 2005
Hot Stinky Cheese?
My blog was found by using the search "Hot Stinky Cheese".


Alrighty Then! Other search strings (that keyed my blog) were:

Norman Movie Cow (Great. Diet time for me)
Swansea Wales faint panties. (What the???)

Those were the only interesting ones.

Did I mention I went to the Balloon Fiesta? I have a ton of pictures, but I won't torture ya'll with a collection of family pics. A lot of them show me with an eat shit look on my face, cause I was trying to manhandle 3 cranky kids by myself while my darling husband wandered around taking pictures.

But - I promised to post the answers to my Know it all quiz - and I just know everyone is waiting anxiously for these to appear.. (hahahah yeah right). Did anyone know the answers?

They are:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . . boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . . . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . . asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball... baseball.

5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.

6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

7. Three English words beginning with "dw". Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . . period, comma,colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9. The original lakes referred to in Lakers . . . in Minnesota. (The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.)

10. Seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit . . . taking a base on balls (a walk) . . . batter hit by a pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike, fielder's choice, and being designated as a pinch-runner.

11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh . lettuce.

12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s"., socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Tell the truth now! How many did you guys get right, without googling it?
posted by Norman at 7:14 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Are you a know-it-all?
I Used to think I knew a lot. But then I read this list. I think I only knew a couple. I guess I'm a know-it-some.

Give this a whirl. Since I'm feeling particularly e-vile, I won't post the answers until tomorrow. No looking up the answers on Google!

Are you a know it all?

These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers (and the answers will be listed tomorrow!)

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball.

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.

8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?

10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.

11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."

I just got back in town tonight from the Albuquerque Balloon Festival. it was GORGEOUS! My children acted like little heathens, so we didn't stay long (can you say "meltdown?") I did, however, get to meet an online friend there. It just so happened that she was coming to the festival as well, so we met up with each other. It's very very strange to finally meet someone in person after having talked to them in virtual reality for almost 2 years!!

I do have lots & lots of pics that we took, so don't be surprised if a couple of them pop up now & then.

The drive down was terrible. My husband was driving me up the friggin wall. He's the most OBSESSIVE person I know. I finally ended up yelling [screaming] at him. Something about him accelerating up to 95mph because he "thought" someone might be trying to tailgate him. I don't think he really understood that we were on a twisty road going up a mountainside as this occurred. I was really very angry with him! But more about that later!

Enjoy the quiz, I'm off to catch up on everyone's blogs - and I'll post the answers tomorrow. I believe I got tagged (again) while I was gone, so I must go wreak more havoc around the blog world now. Since I think I've tagged almost everyone I know - I'll just go tag some complete strangers to stir up some hate & discontent....


posted by Norman at 7:20 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
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