Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I need a Tums. Actually - I need the whole bottle
I pretty much never blog about work on here, it seems to bore the pants off you guys. (Meaning - I have NO comments when I get home at the end of the day). So - ok. I get the message: "Norman your work posts suck ass. Quit it." But DAMN! I've had a baaaaaad week, and it only started on Tuesday and today is Wednesday. I've had those kind of days where your stomach hurts and you just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the gunfire. Really. It's been like that yesterday and today.

You don't have to read, but at least post me a "HI! HELLO!" post if nothing else. It'll make me feel better... really! Even the lurkers... ok?

Here - let me try to make a long story short (and some of you guys might remember this... I dunno). I've worked at my job for 8 years. For 6 of those years, I had the same boss, and the same co-workers. There were just four of us and we were a happy little family. Then, six years ago... one of my co-workers decided he wanted my bosses job, and told a bunch of lies and got him removed from office. At the same time, I was removed and placed in a 'holding pattern'. They were too scared to fire me, because I was pregnant and would probably start screaming discrimination or something. I wrote a couple of letters accusing them of overreacting and they reinstated me. Anyhoo, my former boss is still ON LEAVE WITH PAY. For two years. In the interim, they have hired a replacement for him, that is now my current boss. My former boss, has filed a lawsuit, which is still bubbling away. It's huge. I'm a 'witness' for the case. This makes me nervous, but I've been told I'm somewhat protected by the fact that I'm mentioned in it.

So yesterday, one of the BIG BOSSES out there, began to fix his crosshairs on me. It started back in April, with a presentation schedule I sent to him. Luckily - I archived the message I sent. I have no idea why I did this, but THANK GOD I did. But this little two line message I sent proved to save my fat ass yesterday. He sent my boss an e-mail stating that I was argumentative with his staff (WTF?!?!!??!), and that I never advised him of these presentations. My boss replied, and included the message that I archived, essentially calling him a liar. Which is a bad bad thing. All that's going to do is make him look like an idiot, and this guy is a control freak from the git-go. I told my boss that I think he wants to make me look inept so that they have an excuse to fire me, due to my involvement in the lawsuit (he's a defendent). She told me that she thinks I'm wrong, yet she's documenting all this stuff that's happening and bringing the files home. (yeah - I'm no fool, I've got my OWN documentation going on).

In the meantime, she e-mailed the entire conversation and all of the e-mails to the other BIG BOSSES out there, letting them know of the discord. I read the email, and it's quite liberally sprinkled with "Norman did this" "Norman did that" "Norman said this" blah blah blah... you get the point. And it's not saying I did anything wrong - but all it's done is pull me into the limelight AGAIN. I really think now that I probably have no chance of advancing within this particular company now that I've been tagged as a person whose name keeps popping up in the middle of drama. I've instigated NONE OF IT! I just wanna do my job. Really.

It hurts my stomach, and I am DREADING going to work tomorrow. I just know there's going to be a shitstorm over her last e-mail. I wonder if I'll look conspicuous if I show up in a raincoat?

Luckily, our Headquarters is 110% behind me. In fact, if I lived in their area, there is no question that they would hire me there. But sadly - I don't live on the east coast, and I don't think my husband will move there happily. So I'm stuck at an employer where I'm pretty sure one of the big dudes hates me. Sux to be me right now!
posted by Norman at 9:12 PM | Permalink | 20 comments
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I had something SHOCKING happen today!

I was driving home, and it was raining really really hard (monsoon-style). I was listening to the radio and they were talking about the severe storms in the area. I was just about to turn onto the highway when KA-POW! The loudest noise in the world sounded, with an accompanying flash of brilliant light. Simultaneously, the tree about 100 feet away from me blew up. I'm guessing it was lightening. But I'm not too sure because after that flash of light, I feel strangely CHARGED and unable to concentrate on things for long periods of time. I also have a bad case of static electricity.

And on the dead animal front, I saw a dead porcupine on my way to work this morning. Pretty strange roadkill item for this area... so I wasn't too sure it was a porcupine until my tire went flat.

I think I figured out what killed George. When I found him and his brothers & sisters, they were all very tiny... and SKINNY. So after some quick reading on the internet, and suggestions from Wide Lawns, I got some kitten milk replacement stuff and fed the lone surviving bunny. You guys are all familiar with that. And he seemed to be doing so much better.. he was even gaining weight. However, it seems I managed to overlook one aspect of bunny-care that I suspect was George's downfall.

You see - mommy bunnies help their babies poo by licking their butts. Obviously, I wasn't about to lick anyone's butt, no matter HOW cute they are. I'm just sayin'. So anyway, the night before George died, I read about how to help the bunny poo. The site suggested washing the bunny's 'stuff' with a nice warm washcloth. So I went out to the garage, grabbed George and started wiping. My husband came in. "What the hell are you doing Woman?" and then he turned around and left. I think George was wondering the same thing. But he never pooped. So then when I put him out the next morning, he ran away from me. (My husband said he was prolly scared I was going to try to de-poo him again).

So now I'm thinking that he wasn't really 'gaining weight'... he was probably constipated. I think I killed George.

but it was an accident.
posted by Norman at 7:04 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Who wasn't crossing their fingers?
posted by Norman at 4:42 AM | Permalink | 8 comments
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Cross your fingers! (yet another bunny update)

OK. So we had the bunny in our garage for a couple days, and I fed him kitten milk with a syringe. He didn't seem to be scared of me, or overly nervous that I was handling him. He still wasn't eating any greens that we were dropping in his tank, but I was happy because he was drinking kitten milk ... AND STILL ALIVE!

Last night - I gave him a 'Nilla Wafer, and when I woke up this morning, it was gone! (The vet recommended 'Nilla Wafers or animal crackers).

Today, we went to Wal Mart, and I bought a 'cage-mount' hamster water bottle, hooked it up to the fence outside and set Baby Bunny free. (Ethan named him George. I laughed! Remember the Bugs Bunny cartoon? "...and I will hold him, and squeeze him and call him George...") Last time I checked on him, he was hunched in the tall grass and scampered away from me. While I felt a little sad about this, it also made me happy. I want him to be a wild bunny, not dependant on us for food & water. Now - I might have cheated by giving him a water bottle, but it's not a bottle I have to fill everyday, and in the meantime, he still has to forage for food. At least he's staying in the area of the old nest so that I can check on him, and grab him if I need to. When I brought him inside, he could hardly walk from weakness. Now he's scampering!.

Now if he can just avoid getting squished in the road like his mommy ...
posted by Norman at 7:38 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Friday, May 26, 2006
In my In-box: Chili Cook-Off
I'm feeling a little sad tonight, after the death of my baby bunnies. Nature is a bitch.

So instead of bringing you down, I thought I'd leave you with yet another tidbit from my e-mail. Chili anyone?

Yet another edit alert (05/27/06):
******WAIT!! So last night we went to remove the bunnies (after typing this post) and discovered that one of them is actually still alive!! It was just being very very still. So I grabbed some milk, and baby cereal and put it in a syringe. It's eating it and made it through the night!!!! I'm going to try to keep this up and hopefully he'll make it through!

Chili Cook Off

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
posted by Norman at 8:02 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, May 25, 2006
I love explanations
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's res earch. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

And on a sad note: two of my perky baby bunnies died. I'm not quite sure why, since they were just fine this morning. I'm really hoping that their mother is not the road-kill pancake lying in the road out front. I have a horrible feeling that she is. I'm wondering if I should bring the remaining two to the emergency vet for him to bring to a wildlife rescue...
posted by Norman at 7:20 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Norman's Wild Kingdom

My bunny babies. They love me so! Except for one. One of them wouldn't come out and play, but when I walk out to their hole, they come running to see me! So cute!
posted by Norman at 6:41 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
It has been confirmed!!!
I am totally and completely redeemed in the eyes of the Bunny Gods!!

I have PROOF!!

Look.... just look at what I found in my backyard!!

How cute is THAT? There are four of them in there. They have the cutest little wiggly noses, and the sweetest little poofy tails!! They are also not scared of us - which could turn out to be a bad thing, but it sure is cute when they come see us!!

I wonder if the Bunny Gods would get mad if I took one into the house.... it wants to stay with me so bad. It was climbing all over my toes, and I had to pick it up and put it back in its nest. I think I'll name them Flopsy, Mopsy, Topsy and Peter!!

Hey! I never said I was original!

***EDIT ALERT!****

Somebody from Toronto, Canada was my 25,000 visitor at 10:04pm.. YAAAAY!!

I'm still freaking out that my little blog has been visited that many times. Thanks Blogateers! You guys are the greatest!

posted by Norman at 7:52 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Monday, May 22, 2006
Norman Decrees
A new WalMart Rule must be created.

The need arises from the following circumstance:

Child: Mommy!! I tooted and my pants suddenly fit better!

Me: That's great hunny! I'm happy for you!! (See? I'm supportive)

Child: (talking to the large woman in front of us) You should toot so that your pants will fit better. You should toot LOTS.


Any suggestions for how the new rule shall read? 'Cause I'm still speechless. (And - I'm sure, so is the large woman)
posted by Norman at 9:09 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Of Boogers and Bullies
I took the kids today to Jump and Jive. It's this place that has nothing but bouncers all over. You pay $7, then let your kids run hog wild. I love it. It's the best place in the world to let your kids get pooped out. When you got high-energy kids, you do what works.

We have relatives in town, so the kid population at our house jumped from 3 to 6. Total Chaos. Jump and Jive beckoned, and we went. Avery has never been there, but since my mother was too busy to babysit, and my husband was on the golf course, I decided to let her go. I mean - she's 17 months old. I can't just let her stay at home by herself. Well, I could, but then CPS gets all involved and it could get messy. Anyhoo, she got to go and she absolutely loved it. She loved it so much, and she got to laughing so hard, a booger shot out of her nose. I stood there for a second, marveling at the size of it, when I realized I had run out of the house without any Kleenex, and my child was about to snack… EWWWW!! I looked around, but of course there were no tissues to be seen.

Now really. This is an issue that I will have to take up with their management. Obviously – this is a business who caters to kids. Kids equal boogers, and tissues should be a necessity. But since I was stuck there with no tissue, and a kid who was about to EAT the booger, I did what any desperate mother would do. I took the booger from her. With my hands. Double yuck. Now I have this glob stuck to my finger and what the hell am I going to do with it? Meanwhile – Avery was looking at me, and the expression on her face was – “Hey… you gonna eat that booger?? Cause I will if you won’t!” I had to get rid of it. I just HAD to! Besides, there was a commotion going on in the corner where coincidently, was the last place that I had seen Ethan. But there was still the matter of the booger. Using my Motherly improvisation skills, I wiped that bad boy in my pocket, grabbed the baby and trotted to the corner.

Standing in the middle of a circle of men, was a crying boy about 7 years old, my older daughter looked pissed off, and Ethan… who was gleefully receiving high fives from the guys. I walked to the center and just looked at the scene. One of the men filled me in on the story. From what I gather, the crying boy had been pestering Ashton. She was trying to jump away from him, but he kept jumping around her until she fell and he jumped on her. Apparently – this little boy had been pestering lots of kids there, so the parents of all the little ones had been keeping him on their radar. One of the parents helped Ashy up, and she went to a different bouncer and was playing when that little boy appeared and executed a body slam on my daughter.

From what the men say – there was a little blur wearing a Hawaiian Print Mickey Mouse shirt, that shot into the bouncer and knocked that kid down. Next thing they knew, the boy was crying, and my son was standing over him with his finger in his face yelling “THAT’S MY SISTER!! YOU HURT MY SISTER!”

The men were giving him high fives and explaining to me that I should not tell him some pansy story about not hitting other kids. Ashton pushed into the circle and grabbed him into a hug. I was so very proud of her. Usually, those two fight each other. I guess it’s okay for Ethan to smack her, but not some other kid.

We decided it was time to go and began retrieving shoes. Ashton declared that she was DYING of thirst and asked me for some money. I said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar, let me finish tying Ethan’s shoes…” but that’s as far as I got. Ashton decided she didn’t want to wait, and jammed her hand in my pocket looking for the dollar.

Guess what she found.

I swore to her that it wasn’t mine, but she still thinks I’m the grossest mommy in the world.

***hey - any of you guys with StatCounter, does your counter show that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has visited your blog today? Or does this blog suck that bad?
posted by Norman at 8:38 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Saturday, May 20, 2006
It seems Casanova is still at it. He never misses an opportunity to add another woman to his harem.

Abigail and Alyssa are still battling for the affection of one Mr. Ethan, who in the meantime is stockpiling chickies by the barrel. What IS it about this little man of mine that causes the girls to declare their undying love?

Abigail - whom he still wants to marry, is holding on tenaciously to her number 1 spot in line for marriage. Alyssa - is sneaking up behind to usurp her place, since Ethan has graciously offered to take Alyssa with him on our weeklong Disney Vacation. Apparently, he invited her at school, and Alyssa went home and began packing. (I know this because Alyssa's mother called and told us that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES were these two to run off together without benefit of marriage). Actually - Alyssa's mother was cracking up, and telling us that Ethan said she could pretend her name was Avery and we'd leave the baby at home, all in the name of love so he could ride the Teacup Ride with her. Abigail is blissfully unaware of this two-timing scheme that Ethan cooked up.

However - BOTH girls are unaware of this:

Here is Ethan ignoring the fact that he has the ball in his glove. He's not going to tag the runner out, because then that would be the third out and THIS little sweetie would be leaving his clutches. Nope. My boy has plans.... he's gonna put the moves on her and string her along.

Her name is Ragan.

After the boy runner left for third, Ethan began the Plan. Here you see the Approach. He's going to make sure he's all set and ready before putting the moves on her.

And like any true female, she's acting like she doesn't know he's there.

I have to hand it to Ethan... he's got taste. Isn't she a cutie??

Ethan finally got set and ready.... and laid on the charm.

I gotta admit... the boy's got SKILLZ. This little girl was all set and ready to come home with us. I wonder what Abigail and Alyssa would do to this little creampuff?

(Just a side note for all those that are reading this: Yes, I have three children... Ashy prefers me not to talk about her on the blog. Even though they do NOT read the blog, she is aware that I talk about them. I got into big troubles about putting her picture down below. I got this: Mooooooooomm.... STOP IT!)

Ethan simply supplies more craziness than Avery since I am unallowed to post about Ashy (which I do sneak a story in about her now and then!!) You know, like the fact that Ashton has about 6 little friends coming over in two hours, and we're all going to see "Over the Hedge". She is also excited that one of the friends is a BOY and she's going to make sure he sits next to her.... ahhhh.... Young love. (now i'm going to be in trouble for blabbing that on the 'net)

posted by Norman at 7:02 AM | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Hobnobbin' with the big dawgs!
Oh my.

I'm in a tizzy.

I must say - I've had some interesting experiences, and I've met some interesting people.

But tomorrow - I get to meet a BIG DAWG. Now - there are thousands of people that work with me. No exaggeration there. There's not enough room for everyone to go... maybe 100 or so. The rest will get to view a video of the visit.

But I'm one of the 100 people that get to go!! Obviously - I'm dorking out. I've met a few semi-famous people. Some of them... like Oleg Kalugin, were quite interesting ... others, like the guy who helped catch Eric Rudolph, were pretty down to earth. More recently, I've been trying to wine & dine Kevin Mitnick to come to my work, but no luck yet. (I've not given up hope though !!)

damn.... i'd tell ya more - but I got to go get my beauty sleep... (and I need LOTS of it!!)

WAIT!! Before I go, let me show off my Volleyball star Daughter - she can serve it up!! I got to go to her second game tonight... she scored 8 points for the team! You Go Girl!

posted by Norman at 9:25 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Let's try this again
Originally, (as you can see by my foul-mouthed irate post below) I had ALREADY typed up the post when *POOF* it magically disappeared. Operator error - I'm sure. I'm a basket-case. I've had a crazzzeee past couple of weeks. The baby got tubes in her ears, we had two birthday parties for Miss Ashton, the kids both had games (on the same night even), I had a final test in Algebra (oh .. and I passed the class with an A... my first ever A in a math clas... YEEHAW!). Pure craziness. I'm tellin' ya.

Let me tell you this also - neither my husband or I are sports-oriented. I think I have the only husband in the world who hates football. We don't watch baseball (which horrifies my cousin who's currently doing dating one of the Texas Rangers). Sometimes I'll be amused by NASCAR - as long as there's a wreck, and sometimes my husband watches boxing (repressed anger issues maybe?). But do we go all out and do face painting and organize sports parties? No.

We do recognize that sports are important for kids to learn teamwork so we encourage them to play. Sadly, our lack of sports love in the home has reflected on the field.

The Ethanator is playing tee-ball. I think we need to ask my cousin's boyfriend for some tips for him.

Oh - he's loving the sport of tee-ball and all... but he just doesn't get it. But that's okay... none of the other kids did either. Apparently - they have the idea that tee-ball is a full contact sport. This was evident when one child hit the ball, and ran straight to second base - plowing the 'pitcher' over in the process. It was awesome. Ethan hit the ball and made it to first. But he hit the ball to the first baseman. This wasn't a problem though... because the first baseman picked up the ball as it rolled to a stop in front of his tiny foot, and politely waited for Ethan to walk to the base (he kept stopping because he had to pee). The next batter managed to whack the ball out towards left field. Ethan - being the helpful child that he is, decided to help out the other team on his way to second base, and retrieved the ball for them. I have a picture of this:

Such a nice little boy!! The umps, recognizing that this is the very first game of their little lives, refrained from calling him out, and let him proceed to second base. By this time, the last batter of the inning was up, and all of the kids were told to 'run around the bases'. The coach - not recognizing how literal children could be... directed my child to RUN AROUND. Which he did. Straight from second base to center field where he proceeded to run around in circles. I have a picture of that one as well:

The next inning went okay, Ethan played secondbaseman. Sort of. He understands the concept of the other team not getting on base. He knows that the object is for HIS team to win. When the runner on first headed for second, Ethan picked up second base and ran to right field with it. Of course the runner followed. I don't have the picture of that because I was laughing too hard by that point.

I think - my very favorite part of the whole game, was whenever one child would hit the ball - all of the kids would chase it - to include the batter. Best ball game I've ever seen.
posted by Norman at 8:57 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
I had a post all typed out and then I hit a shitty key on the keyboard, and the damned thing vanished.


I'm going to go pout for a bit and try to repost later.
posted by Norman at 7:01 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Monday, May 15, 2006

I'm such a white person in the fact that I CAN'T DANCE. I find myself doing the typical white person dance of biting my lip and swaying back and forth. I look so stupid. I decided I was better suited to drinking. That way I don't care so much how stupid I look.

But - how many of these dances do YOU remember? (Play the above up)
posted by Norman at 6:00 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Saturday, May 13, 2006
What's a person to do?
I was going to tell you guys about this yesterday (when it happened), but I figured announcing my daughter's birthday took priority!! By the way - I know I promised some pictures, but the computer's acting wonky, and I can't find our photo drive. Pisser. So I'm having my computer-geek husband check out my computer, and he's got the guts of it all strewn out on the floor. Very scary looking. In case you're wondering, I'm using one of HIS computers... yeah, he builds them for fun. Geek. But I mean that in a nice way (kinda).

Anyway!! On to what happened yesterday!

I was at work and I had to go visit with a guy that's one of the department managers out there. I've never had a whole lot of dealings with this man, so I don't know him very well. So we were standing in his office, trying to deal with a problem that had arisen during a training session I was giving, when it happened: The man cut the cheese right in front of me. It was real ass-flapper. I couldn't believe it. I stopped mid-sentence and just looked at him in shock. He never blushed, he didn't react to it other than to say "Excuse me". So, I quickly decided to act like it was nothing and that people do that in front of me all the time... but in my head I was thinking "Holy Crap! What the Fuck? Shit! I need to hold my breath!" I mean.... DAMN! It was loud, and he just acted like it was nothing. huh.

So I tried to outline the problem that I had gone to see him about, and just act like I hadn't heard a thing. I just wanted to get out of there. So's I could laugh - ya know?

And then he did it again. Louder. I think I wilted. I'm not sure. Oh - yeah, he excused himself again, but I'm in a quandry here. Am I supposed to comment? I mean, say something like "Good One!" or "Damn son!! What did you EAT?? Whew!!"

It was such an awkward situation. It's not like I know this guy or anything... What do people do in situations like this? I was so out of my realm of polite comments that I just muttered something about fixing the problem myself and leaving. As I left his office, he did it again. God...

About 2 hours later, he called me and said he had the fix to my problem. And he's on his way to my office. As he was hanging up the phone, I heard an ominous rumble from the receiver. OH GOD!!

My plan of action? I called him and told him I had to go home, and left...

What else was I supposed to do?
posted by Norman at 10:11 AM | Permalink | 13 comments
Friday, May 12, 2006
8 years ago
Eight years ago - life changed for me. For the better. I gave birth to the most wonderful person.

When I held her, I felt my life had suddenly taken on new meaning and for that, I am forever greatful to her.

I love her dearly...and I'll add her pics in a bit but for now - it's getting late and we have a birthday celebration to do.

For now - please help me wish my beautiful daughter, Ashton Happy Birthday!!!!
posted by Norman at 4:08 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Mommy Moment and a Meme

I'm having a Mommy Moment. I'm a nervous wreck. My poor baaaaaybeeee!! Avery is having tubes put in her ears tomorrow morning, and I'm just beside myself. None of my other kiddos had to have tubes - although, Ashy got Strep Throat repeatedly until they took her tonsils out. That happened when she was 3. At least she KINDA understood what was going on, and accepted the fact that after her tonsils were out, she wouldn't get so sick anymore. That child would run temperatures up to 105.3. We were on a first-name basis with the ER staff. But again - you could explain things to her and she would understand. Ever tried to explain to a 17 month old that they can't have a sippy cup until mid-afternoon when they are STARK RAVING MAD with thirst? We just gave Avery her last drink for the night and put her to bed. I just know this child is going to wake up at 3 in the morning and want a drink. She does it all the time. And she's going to be miserable when we tell her no. Let's see: 17 month old child...3 am in the morning... tantrum.. Yup. She's going to be miserable. Almost as miserable as I am now just knowing that she's going to have tubes stuck in her ears tomorrow. Poor little thing. I keep telling myself that it'll be better for her in the long run - but I'm still nervous.

So to distract myself - I've decided to participate in the Meme that Tammy posted on her blog. (She thiefed it from someone else).

1. How did you get the idea for your profile name?
My son tagged me with the name last year!

2. What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? I don't know?

3. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
Believe it or not, I cried when George Burns died.

4. What colour underwear are you wearing?

5. Do you want a baby? Nah... I've got 3. That's plenny!!!

6. What does your dad do for a living?
Retired Military, wanna-be golfer, professional pest to my mother

7. What does your mum do for a living?
Retired Country Club Manager, Daycare provider for my babies, puts up with my dad

8. What is/are your pet's name(s)?
Spooky (my very first pet... died 15 years ago *sob*), Tinker, Junior, Trixie and a bunch of unnamed guppies (roughly 89 of them)

9. What colour are your bed sheets? Cafe Latte (which is the manufacturers fancy way of saying "light brown"

10. What are the last 3 digits of your phone number? 909

11. What was the last concert you went to? Stone Temple Pilots, but Cheap Trick opened for them. I was more excited to see Cheap Trick...

12. Who was with you? My husband, and Ashton (but she wasn't born yet)

13. What was the last film you watched? Derailed. (and the next movie I'm going to see is THE DAVINCI CODE!!)

14. Who do you dislike most at this moment?

My stupid-ass, back-stabbing, self-righteous lying Mormon co-worker (he's ruined Mormon's for me forEVER)

15. What food do you crave right now? Margarita! A big 'un

16. Did you dream last night?
I haven't the foggiest. I rarely remember dreams...

17. What was the last TV show you watched? World Poker Tour.. Scotty Nguyen just won the tournie

18. What is your fav piece of jewelery? My margarita earrings!

19. What is to the left of you? My husband... he's everywhere

20. What was the last thing you ate? Chili

21. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? My hubs

22. Who last MSN'd you? No one. No one loves me.

23. Where is your significant other right now? Well... about 5 seconds ago he was sitting right next to me, but he just walked outside to go have a cigarette.. so he's in the smoking area of our house - which is OUTSIDE.

24. Do you have a crush? Oh please. Like I'd admit to that on HERE. My husband reads this!! I'd never hear the end of it.

25. What is his/her name? Norman's Husband (ahhhHA!)

26. When was the last time you had your hair cut?
I was supposed to remember that?

27. Are you on any meds? No, but it'd be lovely if someone would share some with me...I think I need it... LOL

28. Do you have a mental disease? No? I dunno. I happen to think I'm normal. I just think everyone else is weird and mental.

29. What shirt are you wearing? My comfy flannel shirt!!

30. Are you sexy? I'm about as far away from sexy as you can get.

31. What's your favourite store? Oh .... WALMART FOREVER!! *gags*. ummm - make that Eddie Bauer

32. Are you thirsty? YES. Need ... margarita... NOW.

33. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? I hope so!! Cause I am!!

34. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss? My brother. I really miss him...

35. Where do you work? well.....I could tell you - but then I'd have to kill you.

So there's my meme and dammit - I'm still worrying about my Avery. I think I'll go chew my fingernails down to a nub now.

posted by Norman at 7:43 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Monday, May 08, 2006
Rabbit Redemption
Remember my rabid rabbit?! Well, I just might have appeased the Bunny Gods today. I walked outside of my building today at work, and happened upon a most bizarre scene. First, I noticed the large white garbage truck. The kind that picks up the trash bins and dumps them in the back? Second, I noticed some women standing in a group with their hands over their ears and extremely pained looking expressions on their faces. Then I noticed another group of men (including some guards) all looking under the truck. My first thought was that someone had been run over.

I ran to one of the women and asked what happened. I was sure the answer would be that the truck was parked directly on top of the General Manager, but I had no such luck. The truth of the matter was there was a teeny tiny fluffy little baby bunny 'hiding' underneath the wheel of the trash truck. The back of the wheel of course. The truck needed to back up, but couldn't because a sharp-eyed woman had seen the tiny creature scamper to the wheels and take cover there. She had managed to stop the driver before he backed up. The guards and the men were taking turns trying to shoo the critter away, but it would just pick another set of wheels to hide behind.

Now - any normal person would say, just shove it away!! But that would mean actually TOUCHING the rabbit, and here at my work... that's a BIG BIG NO-NO. That big big no-no is partly my fault... because of the attack rabbit that I mentioned in a previous post. Can't have an employee being bitten by a rabid rabbit!! Nuh-uh... no way!! Secondly I said... any normal person. The rest of all these workers were all UNION people. No way they were going to violate a plant rule and risk getting a grievance filed on them for the sake of an incredibly cute, possibly rabid, rodent. Savvy? I think the consensus was that the truck was just going to have to back up, and we would be less one fluffy baby bunny.

I wasn't having it. I'm not Union. File your freaking grievances!! No baby animal will die in my presense! I skootched one of the guards away and got down on my knees underneath the truck (in a dress mind you) and saw one teeny little fuzzy bunny butt. I reached out slowly ...slooowly... and GRABBED! Bunny Jr flipped out and took off like a rocket. I sprawled forward onto my stomach (yeah, real graceful) and landed in something yicky. EWWWWWWWWW TRASH JUICE! The bunny, the ungrateful little louse, was cowering up against the building, eyeing the sanctuary of the truck. One of the guards helped me up and I actually got APPLAUSE from the women standing nearby. I yelled for them to run the bunny off towards the grass, and POOF! He was gone. Hopefully he ran off to tell the Grand Master Demon Bunny that I redeemed myself and should never be attacked ... ever again. The End.
posted by Norman at 7:43 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Sunday Six

Hey Guys! I'm playing a game created by Missing JT Snow. The idea is, she thinks up a set of six questions, and then you have your child answer them. I've played this once before, but I seem to keep forgetting to do it in the morning, and by the time I remember, it's almost Monday. So I'm excited that I actually remembered to do this!

Since my oldest is out on a ROADTRIP with my parents (she's in Arlington), I'll ask ETHAN the questions! (and maybe Avery if she'll answer)

1. How old is old?

Ethan: THIS! (Shows me 10 fingers)

Avery: NO!!!!!

2. Who do you think of when you hear the word old?

Ethan: 10.
me: No... WHO do you think of when you hear the word... OLD?? Who?
Ethan: OH! 21...
me: okay

Avery: NO!!!!! Zabaadaaa!!!

3. Are you old?

Ethan: Nope


4. What does it mean to get old?

Ethan: you die.

Avery: NO (shakes head)

5. How old should you be to get a job?

Ethan: 4 or 3... or 10 or 20

Avery: shaaablaahablaahha tickatickatickatickaTICKA!!!

6. Who should take care of old people?

Ethan: You! (points to me)

Avery: DAH-EEEEEEE!! giggagiggagiggggggsshhhszzzz!

And that is the knowledge my younger two have dispensed this morning..
Make sure you let me know if you played too!
posted by Norman at 8:32 AM | Permalink | 10 comments
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
photographic PROOF that something is out to get me at my house
Wow. That was a long blog title wasn't it? Sorry. I was just too excited to be able to provide you with actual photographic PROOF that there is something wacky at my house (and it's not just me!)!! Proof I tell you!!

Most of you, I'm sure, have seen "Finding Nemo", right? The one with the little clown fish with the gimpy fin and the seagulls that go "MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE" (my personal favs) you've seen it - right? OK! Well - in Finding Nemo, there was a bizarre creature, called an "Angler Fish". Here - wait, I'm so nice I googled a picture of it...

oooooooo... scary looking fishy - huh? See - these fish are real creatures. They're real! They're found in the Mariana Trench. Freaky looking fishies. They have that little doohicky sticking out of their heads to 'fish' for fish. A little fish tries to nibble on that thingie, and the angler fish eats them!! Evil Evil Fish!! Scary and demonic looking. But I'm just giving you background! Still with me?

Ok. We've now established that creatures such as this are real, and try to entice other fish to nibble on it's antennae or whatever that appendage is called in order to eat them...

So please tell me... what is my house doing?? First - let me show you my pretty rose bush:

Aren't those beautiful? Sorry the flowers are a little blurry. But I was scared to get too close.. Because of THIS:

Can you see that shit? Click on the pictures for better detail if you need too, but that rosebush is CLEARLY trying to lure me into it's thorny clutches! And what it does with me after it entraps me ?? Holy cow! I can only begin to imagine! It's probably going to pull me underground and bury me under the house. In fact - now I'm beginning to wonder if that's how my ghost came to be! I'll bet this freaky rose bush grabbed the meter reader at one point and ATE HIM. And that's why my house is haunted - because that brick wall you see is actually the exterior wall to my bathroom and closet which is the area that scares me the most.

DUDE! I think I've got it all figured out! Just look at that fish pic again, and then the rose bush... it's all there. Proof.

And for an update to the Ethan/Abigail saga? It's now a LOVE TRIANGLE. Ethan went to the party where Abigail decided to play hard to get, by ducking into the gerbil tubes that all the kids play in, and trying to avoid Ethan. His.heart.was.broken. Enter Alyssa. Alyssa looks just like her name suggests... sweet, cute, quiet, and totally in love with Ethan. Alyssa decided that Ethan was the man for her. Since Abigail was being fickle, Alyssa moved in on her turf without the knowledge of Abigail. Finally... FINALLY Abigail noticed that Ethan was otherwise occupied and announced that Ethan would get to stand next to her while she danced the Cheese dance with the mouse himself. So Ethan accepted the invitation, and took his spot beside Abigail, but gallantly asked Alyssa to stand next to HIM. So all three of them danced the cheese dance together. Ethan is less than happy with Abigail right now though, since her parents didn't allow her to open her gifts at the party. Apparently - they didn't want to make the other kids jealous of all the toys that she got - and thought it would be rude to open them in front of the children. I'm not too sure about that theory. When I was a kid I always thought the best part of a party was the present opening time. Then I got to scam all sorts of ideas for what I wanted at MY birthday... but oh well - if that's how they want to do it, whatever. Anyway - Ethan wasn't able to watch Abigail fall in love with him over his bubble fountain engagement present so he's a tad confused. He doesn't know if she accepted his proposal or not. But any rate, Alyssa is waiting for him in the wings....

posted by Norman at 8:08 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Monday, May 01, 2006
Sorry Ladies... He's Taken

Ahhhh young love. My son, Ethan has informed me that he has found his wife-to-be. "Abigail" is a schoolmate of his in his morning Montessori class. Abigail has long braids and flip-flops. He has found this combination to be irresistable. Miss Abigail sent an invitation home with Mr. Ethan for him to attend her birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's tomorrow night. My son was in seventh heaven.

When I got home tonight, he ran into me like a ton of bricks and insisted that we head to WALMART right away, so that he might get a suitable gift for his future wife. My oldest, Ashton, decided a little feminine input might be needed and decided to tag along. Apparently, I no longer qualify as female.

We got to WalMart, and I immediately infuriated my son by picking up a few odds and ends that we needed. I figured I could try to combine shopping trips into one, because let's face it, I like to visit WalMart two times in one week about as much as I like driving bamboo splinters under my fingernails. My shopping complete, we headed towards the toy aisle. On the way there, I discovered that my son has an budding case of "road rage". He was standing up in the basket area of the cart - trying to show me the most direct path to the toys. We turned a corner, and were confronted with some ladies congregated smack dab in the middle of the lane, just idling there while they gazed at the stuff on the shelves. I opened up my mouth to say 'excuse me' when Ethan shot his hands up in the air, as if he was praying for strength, and bellowed out "Oh come on folks... why are we just STANDING here!!!" My mouth, which was already beginning to open, fell to the floor. I just stood there for a second thinking "HOLY SHIT" when they started laughing. I babbled something to the effect of "Sorry... he's been driving with his father too much..." and went on our way quickly - (they cleared a path). As we trotted to the 'girly stuff', I had to (and yes - it pained me greatly) LECTURE him on the different ways to be polite. I mean, come on - I do try to teach my kids good manners, and while I find it hilarious that he did it, ( and it was EFFECTIVE) - I just can't have my 4 year old shouting at old ladies in WalMart.

So what does a 4 year old purchase to win the love of his beautiful Abigail? Ashton and I tried to interest him in the Barbie Dolls and cute little fuzzy kitty dolls and the like, but his heart was set on "The Gazillion Bubble Maker". He insisted that Abigail would LOVE it. Ashton finally conceded that yeah - she probably would love it, and told Ethan that he could buy that for her, only if she got to pick out the wrapping for it.

We traipsed across the store to the gift wrap aisle, and ran into a co-worker of mine. He's freaky. I try to avoid this guy, because he's always leering at me but we caught him head on. I gave him small talk - told him we were in a hurry, and said our good-byes. But hey!! Amazingly enough - HE had to buy gift-wrap too! WOW! He was stading in the aisle with us, and I decided to ignore him, when I heard Ashton say "What's the matter?!" to him. I looked around at her, and she was staring at my coworker. "Nothing!" he said, a little redfaced. "But you were staring at my mom's bottom!! Mommy - do you have something on your bottom?!" She dashed around to check. "Uhmm... gotta go!!" he said, and raced off. HAAAAHAHAHAA!!!! Ashton still can't figure out what was so intriguing about it, and frankly, after 3 kids - neither can I.

Ethan and Ashton picked out the wrap, but Ethan insisted on getting the card by himself. It's a big pink flower shaped card.

He told me he wants to write "I love Abigail" in it and has told me that he thinks he's pregnant and Abigail is going to be the mommy. I can't wait for the party tomorrow!

Young Love!!
posted by Norman at 8:35 PM | Permalink | 24 comments
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