Tuesday, February 27, 2007
A charmed life
I admit it. I have to admit that I have a charmed life. Whenever I need something - it just...HAPPENS.

Case in point:

I was griping to my husband the other day that we were going to have to replace our dishwasher, because the element on the bottom was starting to turn white and flake off. I can just see a home inspector telling a prospective buyer that they'd have to shell out $600 for a new dishwasher. So... I was griping. The very..next..day, I was giving my boss a ride to work. SHE was telling me that she was upset with this store because she had to buy a new dishwasher because hers was leaving waterspots on her dishes. (eh?? That's a detergent prob...right?) So she bought a new one and the store people were supposed to haul off her old one (which is a mere 2 years old), but didn't. So now she has TWO dishwashers and no way to throw out the old one. I choked back my excitement and asked her how much she wanted for her old dishwasher. "My old one? You don't want it!! It leaves waterspots on your dishes!!" I assured her that I most certainly did SO want it, and explained that my dishwasher was starting to burn up. So she let me take it FREE, but not before warning me again about the dastardly water spots.

I brought the washer home, and my dear hubby installed it. We ran a cycle...no spots. I KNEW IT WAS THE DETERGENT!! And my boss? She's pissed because her new washer is leaving spots on her dishes. I told her she might want to switch detergents. I also asked her if she wanted some money for her old washer. She said no.

So I got a new dishwasher!! Woohoo!!

See? It always happens that way. Things I need just ...HAPPEN. This also occurs with money. Oh sure - I'm not winning the lottery or anything, but I always stumble across a little stash whenever we need that extra oomph to get us to the next paycheck.

Another case in point:

We ran short of cash when Ashton had unexpected tonsillectomy surgery. We had another week to go to get to payday, and no money for grocerys. Lo and behold !! That very day, we got a check in the mail from our insurance company for the whopping total of $115. Enough to buy us food for the week and gas for our cars. YES!!

So I must be thankful for days like today when I get speeding tickets. And when the officer pulls me over and 5 cars breeze by with passengers yelling: "HAAAHAAA!! NORMAN GOT A TICKET!!!" Passengers that just happen to be my coworkers. (It's a small town). And then to top it off, my FATHER pulls over in front of me and proceeds to tell the officer that it's a good thing he's writing me up because my dad feels that I need to be slowed down.

Ah yes... it's truly a charmed life I lead - because the officer felt sorry for me since my dad saw me getting a ticket....and let me off with a warning.

posted by Norman at 5:44 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Friday, February 23, 2007
In my In-Box
My cousin sent this to me. Obviously, she has issues.

I'll have a weekend poll up tomorrow!! Just gotta figure out who/what I wanna make fun of. LOVED the participation from last weekend's poll!!! 69 people voted!! Swweeeet!!!
posted by Norman at 6:06 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Thursday, February 22, 2007
OK...Just this once... A GHOST POST!
Ah ha!! Now, I know you guys thought that I was through with the ghost posts. Well - I've just discontinued them for the sake of my sanity. Also - it seems that the less I talk about them, the more they stay away. But I guess the other night, they surfaced just to let me know that they are STILL HERE.

Yeppers. Still here. And I have to live with them ALONE (well - without another adult around), but since my husband is here for a while, I think I'll tell you what happened...

It'd been pretty quiet. Oh sure - I hear footsteps at night, but I have resorted to making my 8 year old sleep with me at night, under the guise that SHE'LL sleep better since she shares a room with the 2 year old. I have also resorted to ducking my head under the covers when the footsteps approach, and chanting the mantra: "If God brings me to it, He'll bring me through it!" over and over in my head. I'm hoping this is true. I mean, IF there are ghosts, then that means that there MUST be a Higher Being (cause they're spirits and all - right?) And IF there is a Higher Being, then He must know that some of His earth-bound spirits are terrorizing me... RIGHT? Did you follow that? Ok, well - read on.

Anyhoo...so the other night, I was in bed about to turn the light out. All my little 'uns were asleep, or so I thought. Over the monitor, I heard.... singing. It was really faint, and I could also hear clattering as if my child was puttering around with some toys. Slightly annoyed that it was 11:00pm and Avery was still awake, I headed to her room. I could hear the singing through her door. I opened the door... pure silence. She was sound asleep.

heh.. Silly kid, she must have been singing in her sleep.

I went back to the bedroom, and settled back in to bed. The singing started again. hmmmm. I turned up the sound on the monitor, and started to wonder exactly WHAT it was she was singing. I mean... it wasn't like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" or anything. In fact, I couldn't recall her EVER singing anything like that. So I padded back out towards her room to see if I could hear her better.

Again, I could hear the singing through the door. So I very quietly and slowly opened the door again. Again the singing stopped. Again I noticed that my child was sound asleep. In fact, she hadn't budged from the time I saw her last. Weird. I shut the door and went back to my room.

I noticed the singing before I even got back in the bed. Then.... THEN I hear Avery say "SHHHHH!!!" OVER THE SINGING VOICE.


I spent the rest of the night with the blanket over my head, Ashton's head, Avery's head, AND Ethan's head. That's right. I pulled every single last child of mine into my bed that night.

The family that ghosts together....sleeps together.

Now don't expect another ghost story anytime soon cause I don't know how the action is going to heat up since I told you guys about it.....

posted by Norman at 7:59 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Got lots and lots going on. I haven't been able to post much. But listen!! You faithful readers know how I'm a Pampered Chef Pusher? Well.... GUESS WHAT!? Not only was I the top seller in our cluster for the last two months, but I actually managed to sign up TWO recruits in ONE day, which promoted me to FUTURE DIRECTOR! Yay!!!!

So I thought this would be a great time for me to tell you guys that the new March catalogs are here (with the new products!), and if anyone wants to do a catalog show..... DO IT (with me of course) !! I've actually done a show for a fellow blogateer, so if you need references that I'm actually a real person who won't shaft ya - let me know!

Ok. Enough sales pitches.

I've been informed that my official last day of work will be June 1st. So, if I have a job or not, if my house has sold or not... I'm out of a job.


That's freaking scary. I'm starting to panic, because I've not had many nibbles on my resume. So I'm not too sure what my next course of action should be (other than sucking down another beer of course).

But the plan so far is to formally list the house with a realtor (this weekend). And really get agressive with the job search. I mean, MORE agressive than I've been already. The REALLY scary thing is listening to my husband tell me that maybe I won't need a job. THAT's scary. I've always worked. I don't do poor very well. If I didn't work - we'd be poor. Like - coupon cutting poor and only using them on coupon doubler days... Like - having to buy cheap toilet paper poor...which would really chap my ass. I mean...poor as in only being able to buy one child a set of clothing and screeching at them to not get them holes so the younger kids can wear hand-me-downs poor.

Damn I'm a snob.

Let me go figure out a quick way to rake in a pile of cash. BUY SOME PAMPERED CHEF FROM ME!!!

I'll be back with a real post later!
posted by Norman at 8:53 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Saturday, February 17, 2007
The Hell?
OK. Obviously I've had too much beer, because I just clicked into CNN and see THIS shit:

So this makes me want to revive the Weekend Poll (which, incidentally - No. i DON'T know why I discontinued it.... )

Who wears bald better?

Who wears bald better?
Britney Spears
Yul Brenner

Free polls from Pollhost.com

posted by Norman at 8:35 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Thursday, February 15, 2007
A wee little announcement
English Literature

Rewrite on parenthetical Essay "B"
Research paper "C" (the research paper I didn't start on until the day before it was due)
Final Exam "96" (!!!)
Overall Grade - "B"

posted by Norman at 6:35 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Who else?
Has anyone else noticed that today's special "Google" artwork is misspelled? Observe:

Where's the L?
posted by Norman at 7:54 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Again with the questions!!
A couple of days ago, Ethan asked me if he had "brains" ... down there...

Well, today, he asked me THIS:

"Mommy. What's a "Wazoo"?"

"A wazoo?? Where'd you hear that?"

"You and Daddy are always talking about things coming out your wazoos. What's a Wazoo?"


"Well, a wazoo is the top of your head. You see...when you just get fed up with something - you're "full of all the fed-upness" and it flys out of your head!! So your wazoo is on top of your head!"

I just don't think he's ready for the actual explanation yet. And see - we were at WalMart when he asked me (yes a matter of fact... i DO live there). So there were some people around that heard my explanation and got the giggles. They just rolled their eyes at me and my cart full o'kids. (I had Avery in the seat, one child standing on the end, and one child laying on the bottom of the cart. We're hicks that way)

But anyway, that explanation worked. In fact .. it worked REALLY well. Because 2 hours later, I was in the kitchen when I heard a ruckus. Then Avery came running into the kitchen crying and telling me that Ethan hit her on the WAZOO!

"The Wazoo?", I repeated dumbly?

"Yessss!!" she screeched "IT'S ON MY HAID!!"

oh. dear...
posted by Norman at 8:45 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Monday, February 12, 2007
We pause for some seriousness here:
Allright, that's enough seriousness for today.
posted by Norman at 7:14 PM | Permalink | 14 comments
Sunday, February 11, 2007
i feel so...so...so....inadequate
My husband was home this weekend. I was SOOOOO happy to see him! I love it on the weekends when he's here because then I can just sit around and drink coffee, and let him battle the kids. It's FUN!

Then this weekend, instead of sitting around, I decided to do our taxes. I LOOOOVE DOING TAXES!! Maybe that's because we have kids, and we get these AWESOME refunds! We're due another big refund this year. Last year we went to DisneyWorld with our refund.

THIS YEAR WE'RE GOING TO VEGAS BAYBEEE!!! Oh yeah... April 11th!!! I will be traipsing the strip and hitting every.single.roulette table I can find! YEEESSSS!!! My husband has a work conference there. Some techno-geek meeting. So my sister and I are tagging along (my brother in law hired my husband). That means, that since it's for work - the hotel room will be paid for. HIS airline ticket .... will be paid - and all I've got to do is dig up enough money to get myself there!! TAX REFUND!! WOOOHOOO!!! And all my Pampered Chef commission checks??? PLAY MONEY!! Oh. our Tax refund money is going to finish off the payments on our new carpets, and allow us to put hardwood floors in the back room. See? I'm responsible....

But anyway - I was doing our taxes on TurboTax online, and decided to take a break by checking my blog. I clicked the down arrow on the address bar and DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW?? DO YOU KNOW? Apparently, my husband has been visiting sites like:


You can click on those. But I don't suggest it, because it keeps popping up windows and NEVER LETS YOU LEAVE.

So I asked him about it. He went "Huh?" With this confused look on his face. I told him to cut out the innocent act... ETHAN certainly didn't type those addresses in. So then he started giggling and said "I was just looking". Yeah well. At first I was miffed. Then I laughed about it, then I got miffed again... and now I just feel inadequate. You see - 2 years ago, I had a biopsy done when I was pregnant with Avery. They had to knock me out to do it so that it wouldn't trigger labor, and now I have this NASTY scar on my boob. These boobs on here aren't scarred. What a jerk. See? I'm getting miffed again. Peckerhead.

But oh well. I suppose he was beating off or something. I guess that's better than finding a prostitute down in San Antonio. (And safer too).

By the way... Ethan asked me today if his "tee-tee" had a brain. I said, "Well, noooooooo. Why do you ask?" And you gotta know that I'm really really trying to keep a straight face. "Because then what's those dangly things with the circles in them?" (That was HIS question). "Oh! Those!! Well sweetie, those are your testicles. That's how God made you." (please stop asking please stop asking please please please please --Prayer not answered.) "But WHY do I need testicles?" "Because you need those so that you and God can help you make babies later on. MUCH LATER ON."

"Oh. Can we watch my Thomas Video when we get home?".

end of conversation.
posted by Norman at 6:34 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Saturday, February 10, 2007
I guess I went insane today
You ever just go insane?

I did.

Wanna know what I did?


it's GONE. just....GONE. And I have BANGS now.

think i'll run away and cry now.
posted by Norman at 5:19 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Friday, February 09, 2007
Oh fer Gawd's Sakes...
Who ISN'T Anna Nicole's baby daddy?

Just a quick announcement, my husband is now claiming paternity of Anna Nicole's baby. I'm willing to adopt her, because.....

I think I myself am the Baby's Daddy.


Poor baby. Poor Anna Nicole. You know - I wasn't a huge admirer of hers, but I had to ask myself....what harm did Anna Nicole ever do to anyone? Unlike those other pseudo celebs out there, who've gone absolutely bonkers; like Paris Hilton flashing her nasty crotch & calling all the people out there "losers" cause we don't have the MONEY like she does... or Michael Richards going on a rampage and calling people the dreaded "n" word. I don't think Anna Nicole EVER did anything like that except be extremely ditzy...and drunk or high - but who isn't?

So I feel bad for the woman. I don't care WHO you are - no parent should ever have to deal with the death of a child right at their damn side (like her son died). What a sad life. And now that poor baby. Thank God the baby can't understand all the hoopla right now.

But anyway - Yes... My husband is Anna Nicole's baby's daddy. And so am I.

By the way. My son is claiming to be engaged to 4 different girls in his class. I think he might be Mormon. How'd that happen?

p.s. My ghost whispered to me that ELVIS is the baby's daddy...
posted by Norman at 5:32 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Thursday, February 08, 2007
you know. I probably should wait for my grades to come out before I celebrate. I actually have no clue if I passed that class or not. Maybe I'll find out tomorrow.

It would suck BIG OLD DONKEY BALLS if I have to retake that class. A real pisser.


So my man is home. And he's giving me the ol' fish eye. I'd better go strap on my running shoes....
posted by Norman at 8:31 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Yeah!!!! I'm DONE! DONE with English Lit!! Good bye Willy Shakespeare!! KISS MY ASS!!! I don't care that you are a famous playwright... I HAD NO CLUE WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.
Oh man. I'm so RELIEVED.
I just took my final. (Obviously). I believe I pretty much aced the terminology, and I knew all I was supposed to know about Shakespeare. Go ahead. Ask me any question you want about him.... Why'd he write sonnets?? CAUSE OF THE PLAGUE... Where was he born? STRATFORD-UPON-AVON. And he's buried there too... in the Holy Trinity Church. His wife's name was Anne Hatheway...and I've even uncovered evidence that the dude was bisexual. (Go ahead...read Wikipedia). But then, the teacher did NOT appreciate my comments on THAT angle. Oh well....
So, I'll be back later after I've destressed my brain. I need to shake loose the Eng. Lit stuff now cause I'm shallow like that.
Everybody !! I got a NEW NIECE!!
Little Miss Piper Leigh (insert last name here) was JUST born!! 8 lbs*, 21 inches.
allright!!! Another impressionable young mind I get to corrupt!! WOOOT!!!!!!!!!
*LOL! I'm such a dumb ass. I got soooo excited about Piper, that I accidently typed in 8 OUNCES, 21 inches -- which would have made for an incredibly long and skinny baby...
posted by Norman at 8:00 PM | Permalink | 12 comments
Monday, February 05, 2007
Don't say I never gave you anything.

Take note of this number:

1-888-5-OPTOUT ( or 1-888-567-8688)

This number puts you on a no-preapproved credit card list for FIVE YEARS! The only bummer is that it will take about 4 months before you start to see the decrease in these pre-approvals. The bummer for ME on that is I'm moving. So I'll have to do this again when I get down South. Really no use for me to do it now... but I'M POSTING IT HERE FOR YOU GUYS TO USE!

Now... I'm off to finish all my papers for English Lit tomorrow. THEN I'LL BE DONE WITH CLASSES FOR THE SEMESTER!! Go Norman, Go Norman...
posted by Norman at 7:42 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Saturday, February 03, 2007
A real life WHODUNIT?!
I brought my lunch to work the other day, and stuck it in the fridge. It was some GOOOOOOOD stuff! Yummy Stuff I tell ya! I know because I COOKED IT! It was a spicy baked spaghetti with oodles of cheese on top (mozerella), and a nice crumby little topping. I made the crumby little topping by sautee-ing some bread crumbs in garlic butter (real garlic), with a smidge of italian seasoning. The sauce was nice and spicy, and the pasta was actually a cracked pepper fettucini. And homemade meatballs. I make my meatballs with fresh parsley and italian seasoning. I love italian seasoning. So I was really looking forward to having leftover baked spaghetti, because everyone knows spaghetti is better the second day.

I got my lunch out of the fridge, opened it up to put it in the nuker... when I noticed it. SOMEBODY had gotten to my spaghetti before me. THEY ATE ALL THE MEATBALLS OUT OF MY SPAGHETTI AND PUT THE REST BACK!

The hell? Why would you do such a thing? That was MY LUNCH. I didn't even label it, but hell.... YOU KNOW what you did and didn't bring for lunch, so why do you eat someone else's food? How do they know that I didn't pick my nose or something while I was shaping the meatballs? How do they know that I didn't change a diaper and forget to wash my hands?? How do they know who even made it? It could have been Assblaster's lunch for all they knew!! And we've all heard about the results of HER cooking. So we're either dealing with a very brave or very stupid fucker.

And my boss made me take the sign I put on the fridge down. It said "How were the meatballs FUCKER?" No really. I didn't say that. What it actually said was "YOU OWE ME FOR THE MEATBALLS. PAY NORMAN NOW." She made me take that down! saaaay.....maybe it was HER!

hmmph. Pissed me right off.

Then I turned around and got all pissed off again today. We have a box that we throw all the junk mail in. It's a good sized box, 'cuz we're lazy and don't feel like messing with it all the time, but it was full. So I was going to tape it up and throw it away, but I decided to go through it make sure there weren't any tax documents in there. Then I noticed that the majority of mailings were pre-approved credit card offers, and a lot of the "junk mail" had CHECKS in them. BLANK CHECKS sent out by our ACTUAL credit card company. SHIT. So now I had to shred all that junk. Those checks, by the way, were NOT sent with the statements. They were sent in envelopes marked "A Special Offer!! Just for YOU" Junk mail lookin', so it goes in the junk box.

I had to shred that entire box of mail. My shredder overheated. And I was cursing all the credit card companies. Companies like Citibank and Capital One. And Discover. Are they TRYING to help me get my identity stolen? Exactly how many credit cards do they really want me to have? So I've come to the conclusion that I will SUE the credit card companies when my identity gets stolen. I'm going to get some slick desperate attorney to set up a class action lawsuit and go after all these companies that see fit to send me pre-approvals and blank checks in the mail. Really. They've annoyed me too much. They need to cease and desist with the junk mail.


p.s. have you pre-ordered your Harry Potter book yet? I did!! Cause I'm a geek and all that...
posted by Norman at 7:23 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Friday, February 02, 2007
So I got tagged with a meme.
Thanks Lisa. Really. It's not like I have.... ENGLISH PAPERS to write or anything...

But since I have this attention deficit thingie then... let me look at it. Hold on.

(Norman's opening another browser window)
(Norman's bashing her head into the keyboard)


Have you read this blog?? NOTHING IS SACRED!! I report everything and I mean EVERYTHING that normal people don't usually share with others. But hell... this is better than trying to write the friggin' papers, so ok.

Let's see....

1. I have an abnormal fear of stuffed animals
1. My real name is
1. I'm really indecisive when it comes to changing my hairstyle

wait... timeout... let me figure this out

1. Food. I have to eat one thing at a time. I cannot eat one bite of one thing, then go to another item on my plate. If I have steak, corn, and salad, I must eat all the steak first, THEN the corn, THEN the salad. Unless the corn is on the cob. Then I must eat the steak first, then the salad, THEN the corn...last. I have no idea why I'm like this.

2. And on the subject of food, I cannot drink with my meals. If I order any kind of beverage with my dinner, it will sit there untouched until after I finish my meal. So maybe we should refer to item number 1 and my OCD brain considers beverages another food item. I dunno, but I'm counting that as the second thing you probably didn't know about me and jimmy crack corn but I don't care if you don't like it.

3. I say Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care when I don't give a shit what people think. So Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care...

4. My parents have left me at various places throughout my life. Once they *forgot* to bring me home from the grocery store, another time, they *forgot* to bring me home from the mall. I also was left running around at DisneyWorld for two hours when I was 3, but my parents swear up and down that I left on my own on that particular instance. However, I know better because on that very same trip, they sent my older brother out to pick up pinecones, and then we all left in the Motorhome while he was still gone. Oh sure.... they stopped because he was running alongside the Winnebago knocking on the door, and they always act so apologetic and stuff... but hey. How many times can you *forget* your kids somewhere? sheesh, and they wonder why I have these abandonment issues...

5. I would absolutely LOVE to be on the Price is Right. It is my all time favorite game show, and I'm heartbroken that Bob is leaving. If I could figure out a realistic way to get there, I would do it.

6. I got nothing for this. I absolutely think my life is an open book (or blog)... you guys know it all, except for my name. And geez... SOME of you guys even know that!

So here, make up a number 6 for me. Be creative!

And I'm tagging EVERYONE! Go do it...let me know when you got it up! AND DON'T FORGET!! MAKE UP A NUMBER 6 FOR ME!
posted by Norman at 8:56 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Reprieve! Reprieve! I've been granted a Reprieve!!
Now are there any good writers out there willing to help a chicky with school?

I mean, usually - I consider myself a decent writer. But hey, look at the activity on this blog lately. Poop and boogies. That's what my life is about lately. I honestly think my English Lit teacher would be livid if I turned in an essay describing how Poop and Boogers are actually SIMILAR. (Which is a theme I have to do for once of the papers I need to turn in on Tuesday).

OK, here's the scoop... by TUESDAY, I must turn in: One Parenthetical Essay, One Research Paper, One journal with jottings of my daily literature readings (HA!), one synopsis of A Mid Summer Night Dream, and prepare for my Final. For Tuesday.

Really. I haven't started on a single frickin' one of them. I'VE BEEN BUSY!! Something about working full time, chasing 3 kids under the age of 8, trying to keep my house clean so the realtor won't stumble into a biohazard... you know - small stuff. I'm afraid I let the homework fall by the wayside. And now I'm screwed.

And Tuesday is the night I go to class. I didn't go the week before, because I had a work function that I had to attend, and I didn't go this LAST week because I was sick.as.a.dog. For Reals.

But this is where my reprieve comes in:

I called a co-worker who just happens to be in the same class with me. I asked him if he could tell me what went on in class on Tuesday. He was disappointed that this was the reason I had called him, because he was hoping to get notes from me since HE didn't go to class either. CRAP! So on to Plan B.

I agreed to call the guy who sits behind me and ask HIM for the assignment. I know this guy happens to be a cop, so I called my other cop-friend at the Po-Po house. He gave me the in-house number for this guy who just happens to work in.... Narcotics. Never being one to pass up an opportunity, I also explained to my cop-friend that I also wanted his home address for a little practical joke I was gonna play. He was all for it, gave me the info, and transferred me to the Narc Unit.

The Narc-ceptionist answered and I asked for the cop by name. He answered the phone, and I put on my best Crack Whore voice.

"Hey man. This here Narcocktics?"


"Well, yo dude, there's this here house that I think is selling the meth. It stink so bad I 'bout choke when I walk outside. An' nuff bout that, but they's kids is running around in the front yard all nekkid askin' people if they wanna buy the meth".

"Yeah? Give me the address and I'll send a unit by"

"Ok... it's XXX Smith Street"

**long pause**
***longer pause***

Now I can hear my other cop-friend in the doorway cracking up!! Oh yeah!! Ways to have fun with the po-leece!

So anyway, once we all settled down ('cuz he really thought I was crack whore after that). I asked him what we covered in class on Tuesday.

Then he was worried because HE didn't go to class on Tuesday, and he had hoped that I was calling to give him the assignment. Nutz.

After that, I made HIM call the teacher since he's like....the class pet. He agreed, and called her only to find out... THAT SHE WASN'T IN CLASS ON TUESDAY!!

So I've been granted a reprieve!!! I need to write a parenthetical essay, a research paper, some journal notes, and read Shakespeare! THEN I gotta study for the final!

Who wants to help!?
posted by Norman at 8:38 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
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