Saturday, September 29, 2007
mini-update
Thought you guys would like to see a snippet of a little phone conversation I had with my mister today.

I went to Petsmart to get some kitty litter & food for the dogs. This is how my phone discussion went:

Me: Hunny!!
Mister: Yeah?
Me: Ohmygosh!! They have all these cats here for adoptions!
Mister: ok. bring it home


Isn't that cool!? He doesn't even argue with me! We got our kitty Olivia about 3 weeks ago. She's really settled in well. Things are going great. And so stupid me decided to throw another cat into the mix. Now we're busy trying to MAKE them like each other. Have you ever tried to MAKE a cat do anything? And Olivia? That cat's got SERIOUS attitude all of a sudden. This kitty I brought home today is probably one month older than Olivia, but Olivia is the resident Princess, and she won't let our new kitty out of the bedroom

And our new kitty? Well, I just couldn't resist her. She's GORGEEEEEOUS! I've never seen a cat like this. Once I got home, I looked up her markings on the internet. Seems she's what's known as a "Dilute Calico"...blue fur to be exact. Very pretty.

So now we've got Olivia and "Chloe". I think. I keep looking at her, and I don't know if the name Chloe fits. At the adoption center, they said her name was listed as "Serendipity", but shit.....trying saying THAT after you've had a few margaritas. So I renamed her Chloe. My man suggested "Sere" (rhymes with Cherry), and then we both kicked around the name "Sophie" or "Sophia".

And ideas? We're not firm on Chloe....

NAME MY CAT!!! I'll try to get a photo up of her some time time tomorrow (oh heck, and Olivia too), but I want cat names from you guys!!

Norman. the crazy cat lady
 
posted by Norman at 10:21 PM | Permalink | 15 comments
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Turd Muffin
Turd muffin. That's what my son called my daughter tonight. A turd muffin. When asked if he knew what a turd muffin was, he described it well enough. I'm happy to report that his description was, "a muffin made out of poops". Gotcha. I understand. So into the corner he went after I wiped his tongue with soap. Damn I'm mean.

I just noticed that the last time I posted was Sunday, and that was when I posted the latest brouhaha over the Hannah Montana tickets. Apparently, the tickets were sold out even BEFORE they were offered online, and people.want.answers. Get over it!!! Ashy did. I find it amazing that a 9 year old is willing to accept that sometimes things don't go the way you want them to, but some parents are still demanding answers! One mother even told the paper that she was working double shifts so she could afford the scalper's prices! Now THAT is a turd muffin.

I don't have a picture of our family's newest addition, a cute little tabby kitty by name of Olivia, but now I'm delaying taking pictures of her. I have fears that Olivia won't make it. Mostly because Avery has decided that she should practice her powder puff technique of tackling on Olivia. Every now and then, Olivia comes tearing downstairs and vanishes under the couch. From upstairs, we hear a very healthy pair of 2 year old lungs belting out: "OOOOOLLLIIVIA!!!!" It reminds me of those old Foghorn Leghorn cartoons where the old Southern Gentleman is calling out, "O Belvedere!!!!! Come hear boy!" So very funny, but I don't think Olivia sees the humor. ('cuz she's a cat and all)

Am I the only person in blog land that feels sorry for Britney Spears? She gave a crappy-ass performance, and the entire world dumped on her, including calling her "fat". Well - she might have given a sorry performance that showed just how inept she was, but the chick is NOT fat. I would LOVE to be fat like her.

ok. I'm in a turd muffin mood and i'm signing out until something more interesting happens to me. (which right now means that it might be a week or two before I post again.) I think I might spend the next couple of days just cruising around blogs and reading what the more interesting people have to say and try to find some inspiration for more entries. The most exciting thing I've been doing lately at night is reading the rants & raves on CraigsList and playing miniature golf on Disney's Toontown. Woot!! (You've GOT to check out the Toontown!)

~Sayanora!

normy!
 
posted by Norman at 5:45 PM | Permalink | 10 comments
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Well that's some craziness I won't be participating in.
I know you guys never thought you'd hear ME saying something is too crazy for me... but wait. Listen:

Have you ever heard of Hanna Montana? Or the Jonas Brothers? Hmm... well - if you don't have kids, chances are you might not of. But I have three kids, and they all LOOOOOOOVVE Hanna Montana. Ashy thinks she IS Hanna Montana (or Avril Lavigne, depends on the day. Sometimes she thinks she's Hilary Duff and then I start calling her Sybil and asking her when she thinks she's gonna be Britney Spears cuz then I'm gonna shave her head and then she cries because I'm just so mean, but hey I'm a mom and I can go off on tangents like this).

oops. I digressed.

Anyhoooos, Hanna Montana is coming HERE to San Antonio, and tickets went on sale for the November 12th show on Saturday the 15th. And then they sold out in a matter of 30 minutes. 20,000 seats sold out like POOF!

And I didn't get any tickets.

My name was mud. So being the good mother that I am, I logged onto e-Bay. And being the bad mother that I am promptly logged off when I saw the going rates.

$750.00 for two tickets in the nosebleed section.

I'm not shitting you. That's the low rate. One ticket in the front row is $1350.

I'm not paying that. I showed Ashy and she said she understood, but she had great big crocodile tears in her eyes and I felt about this big.

I hate not being rich at times like this -- but you know what? I want to say that I think if I was rich - - and could have afforded tickets that a family could go to DisneyWorld on for 2 weeks... I STILL WOULDN'T HAVE PAID THAT MUCH.

Great Googly Moogly that's an assload of money for a pre-teen she-spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus. I never even paid money to go see his frickin' mullet top when he was yawping about his achy breaky heart. That had to be the stupidest cheesiest song ever - and it almost made me stop listening to country.

How can people SLEEP at night knowing that the majority of the world cannot afford the price of tickets like that yet still charge for them? Don't they know that more gullible parents had to hawk the family roadster in order to pay for 2 hours of pre-pubescent kids popping boners to Miley Cyrus?

Sheesh.

So - yeah. That's some craziness that I will not participate in. I know that someday Ashy will appreciate it.
 
posted by Norman at 9:05 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, September 13, 2007
MAKE IT STOP!
Ok. You guys are probably now tired of hearing about "The Spider". This would be the spider that I posted pictures of earlier. The mega-beast that for a while I was scared had plans on my youngest child.

I'm happy to report that the day after posting that picture - the thing took off. Surprisingly - this caused me no small amount of distress....because now...NOW I have no idea where it might be and I'm no longer able to keep tabs on it. You can see how this might bother me. What if the damn thing squeezed into the siding of our house and is even now laying her nasty little eggs for hatching? What if in a few months I have scads of that particular kind of spider scampering through the house? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

My husband was more offended than upset that the thing left. He walked around for a couple days going, "And just WHAT is so wrong with our front porch that it left?? HUH???"

So after finally settling down and numerous forays around the house to see if we could spot it again, I gave up on seeing it and decided that it had moved off into the woods behind our house. Out of sight, out of mind...right? Until - my husband got home.

Now see - you have to understand that my husband is a programmer. And the thing he programs on is a printer. Not just ANY printer, no. This is a GINORMOUS printer. This is a printer that will spit out a billboard-sized picture because it is a billboard printer. And he missed his spider soooooo much - that he printed a picture of it.

Now - luckily - he did not run it full size because honestly - I don't have a billboard sized wall in my house. But the picture he printed is about 5 feet long and 4 feet wide. The spider is now 3 feet big and he's looking for a "suitable place to hang it" I suggested the garage. He suggested the bedroom. I suggested the dumpster, and now the stupid thing is hanging in our pantry. I hate it. I hated it when it was alive and now I hate it when it's BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG.

Go back and look at that picture again peoples. How would YOU feel knowing that a three foot big replica is hanging in your house? I swear our pantry looks like it's owned by the Addams Family.

So that's my news for today. I've got a big ass spider in my pantry, and a husband that won't let me throw it away.

Anyone else want a ginormous picture of a spider?
 
posted by Norman at 7:11 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Monday, September 10, 2007
Such a Lovely Night
First -

Yet another open letter to the large couple at the Chinese Food Buffet last night:

Shut Up.

So so so so sorry that I offended you last night. But see - you were rude about my children. Therefore, you deserved it.

SO WHAT that my child served herself at the buffet line? The sign CLEARLY stated 6 and younger require an adult. She is NINE. She's short for her age, but is OLD enough by the restaurant rules. Moreover, she did not reach in with her hands, she didn't sneeze on the food, and she used the proper serving utensils when she got her food, which is more than I can say for most adults. I know this because I watched her while she got her food from my seat at the table. And I was very proud of her for her good manners. Which is more than I can say for ya'll.

For you to sit there and remark loudly about how children SHOULD be escorted thru the line really truly pissed me off. And to roll your eyes at my 2 year old because she yelled....ONCE and only ONCE while you were eating. For God's sakes, GET OVER YOURSELVES. My child yelled "MOMMY!!" once before being shushed by us, and reminded to use her indoor voice - which she did immediately after being reminded. I have always been proud of my children's behavior while in restaurants. They behave better than most - let me tell you.

So really - following your snide comments and loud dinner conversation (which -according to my husband's and my observations, you two lead exceedingly boring lives), I really am not very sad that I decided to replay a favorite stand up comedian line of mine:

Louis Anderson and the Chinese Buffet:

"YOU BEEN HERE FOUR HOUR! YOU EAT UP ALL THE BEEF & BROCOWWI!!! YOU GO HOME NOW!"

Of course we laughed and repeated it again. So sorry it pissed you off. But damn - Karma's a bitch ain't it?!

P.s. If you want a kid-free night - avoid buffets. Families with children LOVE buffets because it means we can get our food immediately with no drawn out wait. Pick a different restaurant next time!

***************************************

And talking about how Karma's a bitch - we got our payback paid back to us. That'll teach me to spout off at a buffet by means of making fun of people. So for those of you that disagree with our Louis Anderson quote, read on:

I'm taking steroids right now due to a nasty bout of bronchitis last week. The Prednisone gives me insomnia. So last night....FINALLY about 1am, I was able to fall asleep. At about roughly...1:05, I hear.....

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPTHHHPTT....moooooommmy!!!!

Waaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yep. Puke-fest in the bed.

And puke-fests have a way of stirring up the adrenaline since you're running around at such odd hours doing laundry and changing beds. Everything was fine and dandy until about 2:30. We were all starting to fall back to sleep when. UUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!!!!!! Avery upchucked again - only this time in our bed. About this time, I began feeling very queasy in my stomach, and recalled that Avery and I had shared a meal at the Buffet.

So - some Karmasmic Food Poisoning was in the works there.

But I still don't mind saying:

YOU BIN HERE FOUR HOUR!! YOU GO HOME NOW!
 
posted by Norman at 2:51 PM | Permalink | 9 comments
Saturday, September 08, 2007
An Open Letter to The Girl in the Bathroom
Dear Girl,

It's your own fault really. I just went into the stall to take a wee. But you just had to come in and use the one next to me while you were on the phone, didn't you? Don't you know how rude that is? YOU might not care if someone hears you rolling the logs, but I do. I mean - I wasn't dropping kids off at the pool or anything, but the temptation to PRETEND was more than I could contain. If you're going to talk to someone while conducting your business, well - I'll just make it my business to entertain your caller as well.

So for you to make noises of embarrassment while I simulated pushing out the mother of all toilet fish was inconsiderate. What if I really was doing the 'doo? What do you expect when you go into a public restroom while on the phone?

I myself was quite pleased with myself. Sorry that the person you were talking to didn't realize you were in the bathroom and you had to explain where you were.

**********************************************************************

Pssst.....we're going to have a new addition to our family!

Her name is Olivia and she is fuzzy and cute!! My kids don't know yet - so don't tell 'em!! I'll post pics later!

Have a great weekend ya'll!!! SMOOCHES!
 
posted by Norman at 10:49 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Something wicked this way comes



Damn it. I should have named that frickin' spider "Spot", because then I'd have another MacBeth line to quote for you. You guys remember that spider I showed you, right? Well, it seems ol' Fred, or Fredwina - since it appears she is a female spider - has decided to move residences.






At the time I posted the last post/picture of her, she was happily nested in the trees between my neighbors house (the Asian Karaoeke fanatics) and mine.






This morning, I was presented with this:






Can you see that shit?! That - my dear friends - is MY FRONT WINDOW. Can't see the behemoth spider yet? Awwwwww....here. Let me give you a closer view:









Better? And just for shits and giggles....the side view:



The spider must go.

I am afraid for my children. I think the thing is trying to move itself closer and closer to us in an attempt to take us by surprise. I have a feeling it's webby little plan is to next spin a web across our front door (hey - only 3 feet away) to ensnare one of my children for a tasty little snack.

My husband says I'm being ridiculous. And he has forbidden me from using the fly swatter on it. At any rate - I don't think the swatter is powerful enough for this creature. Wouldja look at the size of it?! Good gracious what a nasty squish that thing would make!

But it really needs to go. Okay. I have to do it. I'm hereby renaming the spider "Spot". Simply so I can say this:

Out, damn Spot; Out I say!

God, I love MacBeth!

 
posted by Norman at 7:44 PM | Permalink | 16 comments
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Holy roasted marshmallows Batman!
Attention!!

Due to an unforeseen situation with a flaming marshmallow, one child with a roasting stick, and my hair, I now have a new hairstyle.

It's quite a bit shorter than what I'm used too. Sadly - 6 inches of my hair had to be sacrificed to the scissors.

The only hair style that would work looks a lot like Jenny McCarthy's hairstyle. Of course -- I don't have her body.

I sure hope this grows out soon.
 
posted by Norman at 8:05 AM | Permalink | 10 comments
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