"Norman," said my boss "I need you to help out Michael since he's not here today. He's got a couple of hot files that need immediate attention."

"Sure," I said. Michael's pretty cool and sits next to me. He's helped me out a time or two, so I figured I'd return the favor.

My boss passed on the phone number for me to call, and gave me a little background into the situation.

Apparently, a teen driver was driving down the road at approximately 7:00pm on a rainy, foggy night. He was driving without his headlights on. Another driver, trying to make a turn across the street, didn't see him & turned into our driver. The argument began after the driver making the turn gave his statement to us. Seems there was a police officer that was an eyewitness to the accident, and sent in a police report showing that he saw our driver heading down the street without lights. The officer flashed his lights at our driver and then watched him continue on down the street without turning on his lights. The other driver also has several witnesses that state....our driver never turned on his lights.

Our driver was initially MIA. He would refuse to return our calls so we could get his statement. As I was reading the notes in the file, all I could see was that the only information on the situation we were getting was from his mother....who wasn't there, ergo...never saw the accident unfold.

So I called the mom. I informed her that without her son's (the driver's) recorded statement, we would be forced to accept the other driver's statement and the police report as fact and make our liability decision against them. The problem is: our driver carries liability only on his policy so he's pretty desperate to get his car fixed. He's pretty much SOL.

While talking with the mom, the fun began.

"Ma'am. I need to visit with your son." "Well....he's at school and then he's at work until 9pm, can't you just talk to me?" "No, we really need to ask your son a few questions, otherwise, we'll just accept the officer's report as fact."

"No! You can't do that! The officer was lying! Why was he lying about this?! We're Christians. This can't happen to Christians!"

"Well, ma'am, I don't see where the officer would have a motive in lying. He says he saw your son driving without lights and that he tried to warn him. It sounds to me as if the officer was doing the Christian thing by letting your son know there was a problem."

"Oh no. The officer must be a heathen if he's writing THAT on his report." "Well, that's all well and good but I still do really need to talk with your son. You weren't at the accident and we have an officer's report AND eyewitness statements as well."

"The eyewitnesses are lying too! They must hate us because we're Christians. They're all HEATHENS!!!! Look, we have pictures of our car. My other son took them, can I send them to you?"

"Sure! Send them in"
"But I don't know how. Can I have my other son send them in?"
"Of course, he's my email address...."

So Mrs. Jesus Freak calls to her son... "Matttttthewwww!!!!! Matthew come here! I need you to help me email photos! Matttheww!!! Please? ! Do it for your brother! Do it for GOD!!!!!!"

(from in the background, I hear: "FUCK OFF!")

Mrs. Jesus Freak talks into the phone again... "I'm sorry, he's upstairs worshipping. He plays the guitar in Christian band. We love God..."

"Maattthewww pleaaaase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I neeeeeed youuuuu!!!"

So then the brother got on the phone, and butter wouldn't melt in his mouth:

"Hi. Would you please help my brother? It shouldn't matter that his headlights weren't on, the other driver should have seen him coming."

"Ummm....okay....why do you think the other driver should have seen him coming?"

"Because my brother is a Christian!"

"Oh. Well look, I explained this to your mother but I really need to talk with your brother about this. Would you just send the photos of his car to me?"

"Sure. Hey! Did you want to TALK with my brother?"

"Of course! But your mother said he was unavail-----"

"Oh no! He's standing right here!"

((puts the phone down and says: "Joshua..Joshua...come here...this lady wants to talk to you" Phone picks up again, and "joshua" talks, sounding strangly like "Matthew"))

"Hello?"

"Hi Joshua. I need to get a statement from you about the accident."

"Of course. Here's what happened" he launches into a story about how he saw the officer flash his lights and then immediately turns on his lights, stating the accident occurred about 30 seconds after his lights were turned on.

I finally got a statement from him and he passed the phone back to his mother.

"Hi. Sorry but we are going to have to accept the liability on this. We have witnesses, officer's reports and the impact points on the car clearly show your son is at fault on this."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to PRAY about your decision. You need to PRAY to see the error of your ways! It's the CHRISTIAN THING TO DO!"

"excuse me ma'am, but praying isn't going to change my decision. You should pray to God for guidance on how to accept the facts."

"what? what did you just say to me? "

"I said you should pray to God for guid----

"I heard you! How dare you say that to me! I'm a Christian! I know how to pray to God and I know what He tells me! And he's telling me you're a HEATHEN just like everyone else out there! You'll go to hell for this!"

"Are you judging me? Because you shouldn't judge people...."

So she hung up.

I walked over to my manager, who APPARENTLY was listening into the whole conversation at her desk by tapping into my phone line. (Insurance companies like to do this to their employees. it's called "Quality Control")
She was on the floor laughing at me.

I told her if she ever....EVER gave me Jesus People again...we were through.

Of course, this just made her go further into hysterics. She raised a finger, pointed it at me and told me not to be a heathen.

Ya. Funny.

And my coworker? He's not back at work yet. I'm gonna kick his ass when he gets back.


See? That's how I spend my day.