Thursday, January 18, 2007
A truly traumatic day in the life of Norman
Today was terrible.... just terrible & TRAUMATIC!

See, it was like this. I got to work and settled in to my office. I was merrily working away and my coworker came meandering in. He was at the printer, and asked if the report sitting there was mine. I said it was and asked if he would hand it to me. So he did. My hands closed over the pages when ... IT happened.

I felt something stuck to the back of the document. Something slightly tacky yet hard.

oh God. I'm shuddering as I type this. Truly awful.

I flipped over the pages and saw a BOOGER!! Stuck to the back of my report!! A BOOGER!! AND I TOUCHED IT!! A BOOGER THAT WASN'T EVEN MINE!!

Now, I'm a mom, and I'll admit to doing some mining of mineral resources in my own kid's noses....but hell - I use a Q-tip for that. Or if I see a sticky hanging out of their nostrils, I'll retrieve it. But the point is - THIS WAS NOT A BOOGER RELATED TO ME!!


So, I swiftly put the facts together. It was like this:

Printer is in my office
My office is always locked
Nobody had been in my office since I printed the report
I had not touched the document prior to the booger discovery
Coworker was the only other person to TOUCH this document



Naturally I accused him of illegally dumping toxic waste in MY office on MY document . I told him that next time he was picking his nose, he should either a) roll it off or b) flick it better. Just freaking nasty. I hot-footed it to the bathroom to soak my hand in drain-o. While I was there - I figured, hey - might as well whizz while I'm here. Went into the first stall...


AssBlaster had been in there before me. I don't know HOW you get shit to stick to the RIM of the toilet seat and NOT NOTICE IT THERE. But yeah... that's what Assblaster does.

Hey... have I ever TOLD you guys about AssBlaster? If not, Assblaster is this 50ish year old woman who is about 4'5" tall and 6 feet around. She does not believe in regular bathing. She likes to keep herself "regular" by chugging a small bottle of Crisco Oil every morning. Let me repeat that for you. She chugs a frickin' bottle of Crisco Oil every...morning... By afternoon, it is advisable to avoid the bathroom. She is: The Assblaster.

So that's my truly traumatic day: Boogers and Assblasting.
posted by Norman at 8:41 PM | Permalink |


  • At Thursday, January 18, 2007 10:33:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    So, I guess you didn't eat the booger.

  • At Thursday, January 18, 2007 11:14:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    So... would it make you feel any better to know that I deal with poops every day? And sputum? And urine? But mostly blood? Or will you just never talk to me again?

    Of course, I know full well what I am going to be dealing with and am wearing gloves and a lab coat. And some of those things, particularly the poops and sputums get stuck under a vented hood before I open them.

    No? You're still grossed out? Well then, I'm very sorry you had to see and touch those things. Really, people are just gross.

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 12:17:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

    Ewww, coffeypot, just reading your comment made me feel sick! ~shudder~

    Norman, I think you need to do the world a favor and send out some sort of advisory about toilet etiquette. I too do NOT understand how someone could leave any evidence of their presence in the stall on a seat and WALK OUT with that on their conscience (and potentially someone else's bottom)?! How mortifying! What if someone was waiting and went in right after and knew it was you!? But from the sounds of the Assblaster, everyone knows who the culprit is and she doesn't seem to mind . . .

    And for the sake of an ignorant Canadian, can you clarify for me- is Crisco oil like vegetable oil? Or olive oil?

    If so, PLEASE tell me you are exaggerating for the sake of the story when you say she drinks it. Please!!!

    Until next time, be careful out there! And consider wearing gloves!

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 5:14:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

    OMG. I am laughing so hard people are staring!

    ASSBLASTER! I love it! We have those here, too. Nasty...

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 6:19:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

    I hope you are just 'guessing' about the oil thing. ;)

    As for the booger... isn't it weird how a booger of someone that didn't come from your body is just... gross!?

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 8:37:00 AM, Blogger Michael


    I am even grossed out and I live with two boys.

    Take Care

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 8:57:00 AM, Blogger China Doll

    Ew. Norm, I feel for you. I think my coworker though has worse bathroom habits. This woman bugs me out, seriously.

    She goes in, sits down, and immediately starts flushing. I'm seriously not exagerrating, Norman, EVERY FIVE SECONDS. Then she starts taking lumps of toilet paper SERIOUSLY 4-5 feet long, and doing whatever with them, all while continually flushing. On and on with the toilet paper and the flushing for about ten minutes. And I ALWAYS get stuck in the stall next to her, and it makes me feel sort of violent, and I can't look her in the face, and she came and talked to me the other day, and I told her "you make me feel dirty." and walked away. And probably I'll get fired. Wow. Lot's of "ands" but whatever.

    Sorry for the booger and the assblasting.

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 9:03:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

    In what must have been some sort of Olympic record, I once found a "spot" on the TOP of the tank!
    Does your company offer counseling? take em up on it if so.

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 9:12:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

    Oh good Lord!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! This is worse even than that NASTY picture you posted of those toenails!!


  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 3:20:00 PM, Blogger Freak Magnet

    You're kidding about the crisco, right? That disturbed me even more than the booger did. Markedly so.

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 8:23:00 PM, Blogger Norman

    Coffeypot - OF COURSE I DIDN'T EAT THE BOOGER!!! Didn't you read what I wrote?! "IT WASN'T MINE!!!!!"

    Gail S - Eww... I don't envy you your job. at all.. but see, in my job - I'm not supposed to ENCOUNTER these items!!

    Little Miss - Crisco Oil is a brand name for vegetable or canola or olive oil... Just a brand name!! And NOOOOO. I'm not exaggerating. See, according to other coworkers, she USED to have a constipation problem that a high fiber diet would not help. So she decided to "lube" her insides with this. I doubt this is what cured her constipation, but apparently, it shoots her turds out like rockets.

    Marni - Hopefully, you explained that you were laughing at the juvenile toilet humor of Norman.....

    Aka Meritt - Oh no. nonononono... I'm not guessing about the oil thing. See my above response to Little Miss! And is weird that when it's a non-related booger it's NAAAAASTY!!

    Michael - Trust me, your two boys have NOTHING on the assblaster

    China Doll - HAHAHAA!! So did she say anything to you (or anybody else) after you said that?

    Silliyak - ewww!!!!! The assblaster left a slime trail down the side of the tank once. (it was like a poop was desperatly trying to make it in to the toilet). oh. I just shuddered again.

    Lisa - Oh. You should read the past post of when some guy HARKED a loogie on my windshield while I was driving down the highway.

    FM - Nope. Not kidding about the Crisco. not in the least.

  • At Friday, January 19, 2007 8:54:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    OH MY GOODNESS good thing you are getting a new job!

    That ass blaster is worse then the boogie, way worse!

  • At Saturday, January 20, 2007 8:17:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

    Come to think of it, I was here once before, and it was the day that you posted the toe nail picture...
    I am SO grossed out by boogers. I worked in a morgue, and I trained as a PSW, so I can deal with all kinds of gross stuff. But boogers? WHY, WHY, WHY? Go home and pick your nose for crying out loud.
    What an awful, horrible, no good day for you. Boogers and Ass blaster.

  • At Saturday, January 20, 2007 5:04:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    hi....from houston tx,and where I'll probably be starting my hell hotel blog myslef...jijiji....just finished reading your whoooooooole thing and I looooved it!!just loved i only have a 2 yr old and 3 step daughters 10,7,and 5...all get this all of them girls!!!so very nice.looking forward to reading more form you

  • At Saturday, January 20, 2007 7:39:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    Nasty ass people! I've never heard of anyone drinking vegetable oil, disgusting - aren't you going to miss your co-workers!?

  • At Sunday, January 21, 2007 9:18:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

    and here I go.......slow start but promise to catch up.

  • At Sunday, January 21, 2007 5:09:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    You should have went home after the booger. What a terrible day for you. I'm so very sorry.

  • At Sunday, January 21, 2007 5:17:00 PM, Blogger Livey

    Oh I wanna be an assblaster too!!!!!!
    Thanks for the info, I'll let you know if it works!

  • At Friday, January 26, 2007 6:35:00 PM, Blogger jootastic

    I have a coworker that actually eats his boogers. Freaking. Awesome.

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