My husband is HOT. No no no, not THAT kind of hot.. he's pissed! He says I tried to kill him. Did I drop rat poison in his coffee... no. Did I try to back over him with the car? no, not today.

The big baby is mad cause he snores and breathes heavy at night. no no NO! Not THAT kind of heavy breathing you pervs! The deep breath can't-breathe-thru-your-nose kind of breathing.

Drives
me
nutz

See, here's my story-and-i'm-sticking-to-it:

I'm trying to sleep, and I'm a light sleeper. He starts up with the buzz snore. You know the kind. Not really a snarfy snore, but the kind that buzzes in his throat. So I gently kicked his stomach. He just oofed, farted and turned over. Well. I guess I won't do THAT again. Stinker. But it did stop the buzzing. Then he started this crap where he buzz snores, then I guess it kinda catches in his throat on the way up and THEN started the snarfy snore. Just freakin' great. So, taking care not to touch his stomach (which he's apparently booby-trapped with farts), I push on his butt with both my feet.

I learned something. I guess pushing on his butt with both my feet sends a signal to his sub-conscious that screams 'COME & GET ME I REALLY REALLY WANT YOU'. Cause he flopped over on me and wouldn't move. And he snored. So I wiggled a little -OOPS bad idea. At least part of him's awake. Planted both hands on his chest and heaved him off. He mumbled something about cold and witches and drifted back to sleep. Oh well... ahhhhhh nice & quiet. Snoring's stopped.

But now came the breaths. Deep, lung flattening breaths. Really loud. I think I prefer the snoring.

I put a pillow over my head. But I still hear it. How can someone BREATHE that loud?? Forget the pillow over my head... I gently place it on his head. Nope. I can still hear him. I push on the pillow a little bit. hmmm. that works. But I can still hear him. I laid on the pillow. YES! VICTORY! Peace & quiet! I snuggle down and try to sleep.

But now HE'S squirming and pushing ME off him (huh, that's a first). And blabbering something about suffocation and such. So I kicked him out of the room. TO THE COUCH WITH YOU!

But he was still pissy this morning. Seems really convinced that I actually tried to kill him. How ridiculous. I pled Nolo Contendre