Monday, October 10, 2005
I was accused of attempted murder


My husband is HOT. No no no, not THAT kind of hot.. he's pissed! He says I tried to kill him. Did I drop rat poison in his coffee... no. Did I try to back over him with the car? no, not today.

The big baby is mad cause he snores and breathes heavy at night. no no NO! Not THAT kind of heavy breathing you pervs! The deep breath can't-breathe-thru-your-nose kind of breathing.

Drives
me
nutz

See, here's my story-and-i'm-sticking-to-it:

I'm trying to sleep, and I'm a light sleeper. He starts up with the buzz snore. You know the kind. Not really a snarfy snore, but the kind that buzzes in his throat. So I gently kicked his stomach. He just oofed, farted and turned over. Well. I guess I won't do THAT again. Stinker. But it did stop the buzzing. Then he started this crap where he buzz snores, then I guess it kinda catches in his throat on the way up and THEN started the snarfy snore. Just freakin' great. So, taking care not to touch his stomach (which he's apparently booby-trapped with farts), I push on his butt with both my feet.

I learned something. I guess pushing on his butt with both my feet sends a signal to his sub-conscious that screams 'COME & GET ME I REALLY REALLY WANT YOU'. Cause he flopped over on me and wouldn't move. And he snored. So I wiggled a little -OOPS bad idea. At least part of him's awake. Planted both hands on his chest and heaved him off. He mumbled something about cold and witches and drifted back to sleep. Oh well... ahhhhhh nice & quiet. Snoring's stopped.

But now came the breaths. Deep, lung flattening breaths. Really loud. I think I prefer the snoring.

I put a pillow over my head. But I still hear it. How can someone BREATHE that loud?? Forget the pillow over my head... I gently place it on his head. Nope. I can still hear him. I push on the pillow a little bit. hmmm. that works. But I can still hear him. I laid on the pillow. YES! VICTORY! Peace & quiet! I snuggle down and try to sleep.

But now HE'S squirming and pushing ME off him (huh, that's a first). And blabbering something about suffocation and such. So I kicked him out of the room. TO THE COUCH WITH YOU!

But he was still pissy this morning. Seems really convinced that I actually tried to kill him. How ridiculous. I pled Nolo Contendre
 
posted by Norman at 9:57 PM | Permalink |


6 Comments:


  • At Monday, October 10, 2005 8:54:00 PM, Blogger Michelle

    ...oh...my face..hahahahahah!

    That think that same scenario has played out at my house. The worst one is when my husband is laying on his back and the air just kind of makes his lips flop around in the breeze and it sounds like a huge balloon deflating.

    Oh, shit you're funny! Haha!

     
  • At Monday, October 10, 2005 9:05:00 PM, Blogger Freak Magnet

    I've had those nights where you're poking somebody in the ribs with your elbow, praying you'll get to sleep before he starts up again...

    And the worst part? *I* snore louder than most men.

     
  • At Tuesday, October 11, 2005 10:01:00 AM, Blogger Spicy Cracker

    I feel ya sister. Sometimes to get hubs to stop I roll up a towel and shove it up under his back it makes him stop till I can sleep

     
  • At Tuesday, October 11, 2005 1:41:00 PM, Blogger momyblogR

    That is hysterical. The mental image is almost too much, lol! My honey is also armed with the melodious sounds that gas the entire room. Only he needs NO prompting at all.

    I'm thankful that he doesn't really ever snore. If he gets a bit loud, just a shot in the ribs is usually all it takes.

     
  • At Tuesday, October 11, 2005 1:59:00 PM, Blogger Tammy

    Thankfully, I've never had to sleep with a snoring person. My dad once farted so bad that it woke everybody in the hotel room up.

    Does that give me an excuse to smother him? I think so!

     
  • At Wednesday, October 12, 2005 8:42:00 AM, Anonymous Cindy

    Lord I hope my husband doesn't read this...he might get ideas. LOL he 'claims' I snore like a fiend ;o)

     
Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com