A Southerner Moves Up North

January 8th - 5:00pm. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!!!

January 9th - We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

January 10th - It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

January 11th - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temp dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

January 12th - Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarterpanel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

January 13th - 2 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater,which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

January 14th - Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again! Power is still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

January 15th - Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and God knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Windchill is -22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to Texas.