Thursday, September 14, 2006
Reverse Fartology
I ate beans for lunch yesterday. Then I had them for dinner as well. And again for lunch today. Hey. It's good protein. But it does lend itself to a little poot affliction that I'd rather not have. Especially since we are in the middle of doing presentations, and we've brought in a special guest presenter who was camping out in my office. The poots were running rampant in my intestinal tract, and I was desperately trying to squash the urge. (Pucker factor in full force!!!)

Oblivious to my discomfort ('cause I'm female and am able to mask the symptoms well), our guest presenter decides to hang over me at my desk while looking at something on my computer screen. Mind you - I've got a 24" widescreen monitor. There is no reason why he needs to stand so close to me (hang on a sec while I groove to the Sting song I just paraquoted)... 'kay - I'm back. Anyway - so this dude is hanging over me, when a particularly strong gust of gas stages a surprise attack and tries to break out. Uh uh... I've got STRONG tummy muscles and I quashed the biohazard. But that was a hard one to stop and I realize... i KNOW that I must find a way to get him away from me!! NOW!! But in the meantime, the strong gas cloud within decided to beat a hasty retreat and slunk back to where it came. I was relieved --- for about 5 seconds. Because it DID NOT GO AWAY SILENTLY!! It made a REVERSE FARTING SOUND. I swear - it sounded like a dadgum geyser going off in my intestines. A little fist shaking of the foiled farts if you will. My office guest tried to be gentlemanly, but he couldn't help the instinctive recoil and amazed look that flashed across his face. I tried to pass it off as a mere little stomach rumble, but I KNOW he thought I farted. And I technically DIDN'T. 'Cause we all know women don't fart. We poot. And I didn't poot either. It was an internal one. Couldn't be helped, and more importantly - COULDN'T BE STOPPED.

So I'm mildly mortified. But I bet I would have been massively humiliated if that sneak attack the gas staged had been successful.
posted by Norman at 6:01 PM | Permalink |


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