Letter to My Pets: When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest. Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite sometime -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's/cat's behind. To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain AboutOur Pets ---

1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's call "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because: ---- they don't ask for money all the time ---- they are easier to train ---- they usually come when called ---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends ---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and ---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children, legally!