First -- thank you anonymous whoever you are for removing my fake profile from the dating site you set up.

I got really tired of explaining to lonely men that I'm not really into body surfing.

Apparently I was quite the ticket on that particular site judging from my chat requests. Heh.

SO !

I have a new post! (Can you hear the fanfare?!) It shall be a post about: "Buffets"

Yes. Buffets. Those fabby wonderlands of all-you-can-eat. I hate 'em. Don't get me wrong. I used to ADORE them. Where else could I bring my children and get food RIGHT AWAY and not worry about noise levels? Friggin' oasis for me. We could get in...eat..and leave!

But now, my love of buffets for the simplicity of dining is gone daddy gone. Here's the issue. My kids have gotten older. As they age, they have decided that they really do need to eat in order to survive. Gone are the days when my children could eat ONE PEA and subsist for the next three days, oblivious to my begging them to eat. Oh no. NOW, they listen to me and think: "Wow. I'm hungry...dude...smorgasbord"

Here's what happens now: We go to buffet. Buy in, and we all troop in and find a table. The first thing my husband does is vamoose to the food lines, leaving me with three hungry children (and a crop in the fields!! or is that four hungry children? I dunno, but I think he picked a fine time to leave me...) Anyway..he leaves. So now I have to manuever the lines with three children deciding what they want. Ashy - she's no problem. She grabs her plate, but the restaurants require children under 12 to be escorted by an adult, so I must monitor her progress. Ethan & Avery - I'm balancing their plates on my arms while filling them with the food they have deigned to select.

Finally, we make our way to the table so I can settle them in, glaring at my husband who is gnoshing his way thru something that looks slimey. (Chinese buffet... I don't ask). Now I get to get my food. I grab a plate, fill it with stuff and head back to the table, start to sit down, and Ethan pops up. He's turned into an eating machine in the last year. He's through. Wants another plate.

Sighing, I place my uneaten food down, and escort him back through the lines. We weave our way back through the crowds, and get to the table. My husband has eaten my food. "I figured it was getting cold and you'd want fresh stuff" he explains. Turning around, I head back to the line, only to be called back to the table by Avery. "Hungry mommy!" She wants more dim sum. And no, she won't just let me get her some...she has to GO, to see what else she wants. So off we go. I get her some more food, and manage to grab something for myself. Head back to the table and run into Ashton who wants seconds. I look over at my husband and ask him to take her through the line since he's getting up for his third plate (he ate my plate...remember?). Grudgingly (!!!!WTF??!!), he agrees and they move off. Two seconds late, Ashy is back in tears... "Mommy, Daddy told me to wait for him FIRST!!!!" ah geez. I tell her to wait a sec, and I'll take her instead. I manage to cram a few bites into my mouth before hubs comes back. Ashton, Ethan and I all go to the buffet because Ethan now wants egg drop soup just like Ashy. On my way there, a man is standing in front of the beef and broccoli. He tells me I must be hungry because this is my SIXTH trip, he's been watching! He's real proud of himself. I try to explain I haven't had anything at all, I'm feeding my kids, then figure...what the hell am I trying to please HIM for, and spill egg drop soup on his shoes on purpose. Fucker. Go count your own plates.

FINALLY get back to the table, eat HALF of the rice I dished into my plate, and watch my kids bounce impatiently for me to finish....


See? I hate buffets, and I also hate the people who count plates. You know what? I kinda think the plate counter might have tried to start up a chat with me on the date site...