Saturday, July 26, 2008
Mr. Norman, the uptight dude....
I never go out. Really. I can count on one hand the times I've headed out on my own in the last 5 years. But then last night, I got invited to a party. Not just ANY party, mind you.... I asked if Mr. Norman could attend, and got the husband stay-away sign. Nope. Party for GIRLS ONLY, a PASSION PARTY.

Roughly translated, a bunch of us girls sit around drinking wine and looking at dildos.


So of course I went. But I brought my neighbor friend with me. No way was I gonna go alone to one of THESE shindigs. We had a great time. I laughed so hard at some of the items that at one point, I thought the hostess was going to ask me to leave. Which was fine. And I will have you know that the only thing I bought was a bottle of pheromone perfume which is supposed to drive my man into a frenzy. I didn't buy anything else designed to drive him into a frenzy because NO WAY was I spending $75 dollars on "a rabbit". (and no, it certainly wasn't a cute little fuzzy rabbit.)

At any rate, my neighbor was throwing back the vodkas when she got the bright idea to "price comparison" the items being shown at the party against the XXX place down the road. Sounded like a fine and adventurous idea to me, so off we went.

Now - being the good little wife that I am, I texted my husband at 10:30pm to let him know all was well, and I was having a fine time. He texted back: "OK". We communicate quite well, no?

Leaving the party, we managed to pick up a couple of other ladies that thought the idea of bargain hunting sounded swell. So now we had a group of 5 ladies, hopped up on vodka and wine. And we had a large time at the adult store. Those poor perverts never knew what hit them. We shopped, we had our catalogs out comparing products, we saw items NOT listed in the catalogs, and we saw items that burned our eyeballs. Which of course then prompted us to holler across the store: "OMIGOD YA'LL LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT'S BLAACK!!!"

Yeah. We were there an hour when we got asked to leave. So we strolled out into the parking lot and settled into our prospective vehicles then departed. Just in time to see 3 police cars rolling in. Yeah. We figured it was a fine time to leave. But then.... what I didn't know??? Was those cars were looking for ME.

See - apparently - my husband was unable to reach me on my cell phone, so he got the bright idea to track me using a GPS locator in my phone. The stupid GPS locator showed me as being at the end of the San Antonio Airport in a non-mobile spot for approximately one hour. At which point, he decided I'd been carjacked/killed/raped/all-of-the-above.

So he called the police, gave them the coordinates of my phone, then sat back and called my MOTHER.

Now, my mother has some brains. She drove over to my house (at 12:00 midnight), calmed down my husband, and then called me on my cell phone.

Of course, I picked up right away. Scared, of course, because why is my mother calling me at midnight? And why do I hear my panicked husband in the background? And hey!! Look at that ! The cops are floodlighting everyone in the parking lot at the adult store!!!

Once my mother reached me, she informed me that half the town of San Antonio was searching for me. "Ummmmm....why?" "Because your husband couldn't get you on the phone, so he was very worried." "Mom, this is the first time my phone has rung tonight" At this point, my neighbor was poking me and asking if our kids were okay (our kids are the same age and play together" Nodding that everything was fine, we headed off towards home. While driving, I asked for my husband to be put back on the phone. Poor man was almost in tears. Seems he was dialing the wrong number for me, and for whatever reason , he couldn't get through to my neighbor's cell phone. So he panicked. And called out the calvary. And my mom.

So in a nutshell - I do not think I will be going out for girls night out anymore for a long time. It scares Mr. Norman too much.............and just for that - I'm not going to use any of my brand new pheromone perfume near him. My only regret about last night though, is that I didn't get to see how many people freaked out when the police showed up looking for me....

I do want to add one disclaimer to the above story: Not one part has been embellished for story's sake.

oh yeah, and I forgot to add that at 3:00am this morning the police were knocking on the door to ensure that I was home. THEN I had to go downstairs and prove to the police that I had not been beaten by my husband and was in fact....really alive and not laying in the airport runway by showing myself to them.

never forgiving mr. norman for being uptight.....NEVER. But kudos to the SAPD for following up on an errant wife, and as much as I hate to say it: Kudos to Mr. Norman for worrying about his little wifey-poo.
posted by Norman at 4:34 PM | Permalink |


  • At Sunday, July 27, 2008 2:56:00 AM, Blogger Linda and Denny

    Methinks that with a high alcohol level in your bloodstream it's just as well that the cops didn't find you at the adult store.

    Only you could have a story like this one really happen--and I'm sitting here in the dark with my computer, a cup of coffee and I'm shaking my head and grinning like a fool. Thanks for a great start to my day!

    P.S. And my word verification is pehin--no joke.

  • At Sunday, July 27, 2008 7:51:00 AM, Blogger Freak Magnet

    Woman, trust me, *I* have a rabbit, and I would buy that things three times over in a heartbeat.

    I would have loved to have seen the pervs in the adult store when the cops showed up.

  • At Sunday, July 27, 2008 9:38:00 AM, Blogger Lisa

    Norman, Norman, Norman!! Only YOU have these hysterical things happen to you!!

  • At Monday, July 28, 2008 10:16:00 AM, Blogger Alysia

    OMG this is the most freaking hilarous story I HAVE EVER READ.

  • At Monday, July 28, 2008 6:20:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    i am sam i am
    havnt checked on you in long time, glad to see you are still aliveand well. be well and be yourself

  • At Tuesday, July 29, 2008 11:26:00 AM, Blogger Jim Latchford

    Try as one might, nobody could possibly make up a fictitious story that is half as entertaining as was your real life tale! By the way...I own a "Rabbit." It's manufactured by Volkswagen. It buzzes (too) around town and gets terrific gas milage!

  • At Sunday, August 10, 2008 10:21:00 AM, Blogger Mrs. Who

    Oh, I SO needed something like this today! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!

  • At Saturday, August 16, 2008 8:57:00 AM, Blogger Sheri

    OMG! I just found your blog through Rant N Ravin. So very funny! My friends and I would have done the very same thing - price comparison.

Get awesome blog templates like this one from