Friday, January 13, 2006
Neuter your pets
Asterismos (prior commenter) mentioned that watching my husband get snipped was probably an interesting procedure to see. Well, it was... mostly. But I really think I just enjoyed the idea of it a whole lot more! Honestly - I was surprised that they let me in the room while they did it. But I stayed in there, and even got assigned duties by the doctor!

I wasn't planning on staying there - heck I was just going to drop him off, go do some shopping and come back and pick him up. Kinda like dropping him off at daycare. But when I got there, the receptionist instructed BOTH of us to go to the doctor's consulting room. My husband was uncharacteristically quiet and still while we waited in the office. Soon the doctor breezed in and started talking to us about vasectomies - what the procedure involved, how it worked, blah blah blah.. all the usual crap about warnings and side effects. Then - he took out a form and asked ME to sign it. "Uh...doc - I'm not the one with the the 'equipment' that needs altering" I said. So then the doctor told me, "I know - but I need your permission to proceed with the operation" HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! I GOT THE POW-AHHHH!!! Needless to say - hunny was a little miffed that I had control over his sensitive extremities. But hey - when ya get married, what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine! Including THAT! PROVEN!

Papers signed, we went to the prep room. A nurse walked in, and told him to drop his pants. "You're doing it NOW?" gaped my husband. He was very nervous... "No!" she said "I'm just going to give you a little shot so you don't care so much about stuff... you know - Valium" I was looking at her while she was talking, and I swear, by the time I turned my head back to my husband, he'd already dropped his pants and had his ass aimed at her. That was fast! Never knew the old boy could move that fast... About 1 minute after getting the shot, the doctor was ready. He appeared in the room and just said "OK! Let's go!" My husband, whose butt still stung - yelped out "I'm not ready! I still care about stuff! I still care about stuff!" But I helped drag walk him to the table.

So there he is, lying there with his boys and their friend laying there vulnerable. Now - any of you guys that might be reading this ( I dunno, the period talk in the last post may have chased them away) ever had this procedure done? The first thing they did was shave EVERYTHING. And they were quick about it! I've never seen a shave job done so fast, especially in that area.. sheesh.. and then, before my husband could unclamp his hands from the table - they gave him the first 'local anesthetic' injection. Right there in the cajones. I will admit, I did wince for him. But I really didn't need to - he went ' eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyooooowcccch!! I DON'T THINK THE VALIUM IS WORKING!!!!!' Now, apparently - the doctor thought that he should be just a tad more relaxed than he was, because my husband's outburst startled him, causing him to drop the scalpel, which fell on the table with a loud clatter. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??" screamed my husband, who was remarkably high-pitched in vocal abilities. "Now son, just calm down... I ain't even started yet. You might think your balls are made of steel but they ain't I can tell you that now!" yes... the doctor REALLY did say that. I couldn't help it. I just started laughing, at which point my husband told me to shutup. Now - usually he wouldn't be standing after saying such a thing to me, but since he was already laying down AND drugged up AND about to get whacked... I let it slide.

The doctor's nurse gave him a new scalpel and he set to work. Apparently - that numbing shot works really fast. He just made a quick little cut, reached in, grabbed the 'strands' and gave it a yank to pull it out. And then his pager went off. "Oof!! I'm expecting a page, would you get that for me?" He's talking to me. I just looked at him. "Well - where's your pager?" I asked "It's in my pocket. My nurse & I are already scrubbed, if you can just reach in there..." He's shoving his hip at me. "Ummmm.... ok" This is a little weird, but I went digging through this guys pocket - grabbed his pager and handed it to him. "Here." He just looked at me. "Well - what does it say?? I can't touch it..." OH! "Well, um - it says your tee time is at 1:20, and Jack's buying the beer, so you're not supposed to be late". "Great! Thanks! Now go sit back down over there..." and he turned his back on me to finish. "I gotta hurry. I have two more patients after you and I don't want to be late!" My poor husband. His eyes were rolling around, but he was too scared to move. After all, he had stuff hanging out of his stuff.

Finally , he was neutered. The doctor snapped off his surgical gloves, shook my hand, thanked me for my services and left. That was it. The nurse instructed my husband to keep ice packs on his willie for the rest of the day, gave us our walking papers and we left.

Neat story? Huh? Well, it ain't over. About 3 days after his 'procedure' my husband came up to me, without his pants. "Look at it" he demanded. "No thanks... don't wanna" "No really - look at it. Does it look... funny? I glanced at it. "They always look funny. I don't know how you guys live with those..." "Be serious! LOOK at it." So I did. Hmmm - one of them DID look funnier than usual. "I don't know. Does it hurt?" I asked. "Yeah... kinda." So I told him to call the doctor and I sent him off to work.

About an hour later he called me. "It's bigger... and it hurts worse. Can you come pick me up?" I rushed over to his work and picked him up. He was walking like a cowboy. Apparently that sucker swelled up to GRAPEFRUIT size!! DAAAAAMNNN!!

He had developed a post-surgical infection, and had to take anti-inflammatories for about two weeks, plus injections in his butt for one week. By the end of this ordeal - he was so thoroughly disgusted with the whole thing, that he never went back for the follow up 'shake down'. So we in actuality have no idea if he is sterile or not. But I hope he is!

Now - some guys would say - "Don't you feel bad for putting your husband through that?" My response? FUCK NO. I gave birth to THREE children, and each pregnancy was harder than the last. This last one - I developed gestational diabetes, and had to check my blood several times throughout the day. The back aches, the muscle pain, the swollen ankles... not to mention the actual act of childbirth itself... "Do I feel bad ... HAAAAA!"
posted by Norman at 9:05 PM | Permalink |


  • At Friday, January 13, 2006 10:11:00 PM, Anonymous asterismos

    Well I feel very honored to have been named in one of your posts. That was a funny story. Sorry to the hubby for the pain but I agree if that is all they have to go through then they should. My husband has offered to go through the "procedure" so I will use your story as another positive view of it (he is slightly afraid feeling well not quite like himself after). I am also proud of getting first comment. Yeah!

    PS your story about the kids in the hummer is just hilarious. I think about it often. oh and what has the ghost been up to recently? Have you coaxed it to the other side yet. I read all your ghost stories one night before bed and got so freaked out. The mind is a powerful thing.

    take care!

  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 8:29:00 AM, Blogger pack of 2

    That is sooooo funny Norm. Don't tell your hubby I said that. My brother had his vasectomy reversed so him and his new wife could have a child. He really didn't want to and after reading this post I can now see why. Sorry about the infection hubs....ouch!


  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 10:18:00 AM, Blogger Cori

    "After all, he had stuff hanging out of his stuff." That line almost had me wetting myself! I've got to pass this story on to a friend whose husband goes in for his neutering on Monday.

    Returning your visit to my site and I know I'll be back for more of your funniness!

  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 11:51:00 AM, Blogger Linda and Denny

    "Ah, I remember it well" I convinced my hubby to have it done after only one child, then later divorced him. He was not pleased, but I figured I had volunteered to get myself fixed first and he opted to do it-heh. But what I remember about the "stuff coming out of his stuff" was thinking it looked like a piece of spaghetti-that is, until they cauterized it. I don't think I've seen spaghetti smoke.

  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 11:57:00 AM, Blogger Livey

    Norm you kill me! LOL

  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 12:56:00 PM, Blogger pack of 2

    I wouldn't have felt bad either...if he got up at night & helped with the kids maybe this wouldn't have happened to him...LOL!


  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 5:17:00 PM, Blogger kimmyk

    Um the shot in the winky? You think that alone would cure him of ever wanting to put that out in the air again.

    Poor poor best friend made her husband (ex now) get one---haha, take that you cheating jerk.

    Him, not your hubby.

  • At Saturday, January 14, 2006 6:04:00 PM, Blogger Michael

    I would prefer that somebody hit me in the head with a baseball bat.

    Not me. Never.

    Take Care

  • At Sunday, January 15, 2006 1:48:00 PM, Blogger Norman

    Asterimos, Hey! Why don't you have a blog??!! I'm currently working on a ghost post right now so stay tuned!

    Pack of 2 (Angie) - so did the reversal work?

    Cori - DON'T SCARE YOUR FRIEND'S HUBBY!!!! He'll back out of it. All men just need is just one... single... excuse about the vasectomy and they'll use it to back out.

    Linda & Denny - i don't think I'll eat spaghetti again. Ever.

    Livey - DON'T DIE!!

    Pack of 2 (Shelly) - Doesn't matter. Even if he HAD helped with the kiddos - he still needed fixin'

    Kimmy K - ROFLMAO. yeah!

    Michael - You skeered???

  • At Sunday, January 15, 2006 1:57:00 PM, Blogger pack of 2

    Yes, it worked. I have a new little niece that was a year old in sept. (she was born on my mom's birthday and the day before my brothers birthday). My brother made my SIL get her tubes tied afterwards because he said he WAS NOT putting his "thang" under the knife again.


  • At Friday, June 30, 2006 8:23:00 AM, Blogger Rants from a Bee

    Norm - Vasectomy Story - that was hilarious! You're such a great writer that you made a vasectomy story be educational, entertaining, suspenseful, and darn it the feel good (except for your poor hubby) story of the year! :), yeah, they can go through a what 20 minute procedure, one shot, and maybe a week of pain. We're the ones that went through 9 months and then some. wimps.

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