Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Caution: Nasty stuff ahead!
Ever had to pull off on the side of the road while driving and VOMIT out your car door? Without alcohol involved that is?? No? Well, neither have I, but I almost did it today!! Have I ever mentioned what a weak stomach I have? I do. I have a weak stomach. I can look at my own kids stuff, but other people?? Huh-uh. You're on your own. Weak stomach. I'm tellin' ya..

But today, I was driving down the road, drinking my coffee, and following a work truck. You've seen work trucks before, haven't you? They're the pick-ups piled high with construction materials and construction workers. I don't follow them too closely, because they don't load them very well, and I'm always askeered that a wheelbarrow or an illegal will fly out and go thru my windshield. But I'm paranoid like that. But today - I was just driving along, minding my own beeswax, drinking my coffee and singing along with Cat Stevens about the "Wild World" when SPLAT! A big nasty glob of green goo hit my windshield and stuck. I'm guessing it was a hawker, and it came directly from the truck in front of me. EWWWWWWW!!!!! Of course, I immediately hit my windshield wipers to get rid of it, but it just streaked across my vision in a naseating arc. And stringy. With little clumps of God knows what. (SNOT!) Apparently, my wipers need to be changed...or at least they do now. And did you know that snot drys amazingly fast? Yeah!! It does!! I was driving down the highway, gagging, and flipping my washer fluid and wipers as often as I could. I went through the entire reservoir of washer fluid, and I could still see that arc of snot on my window. I had to drive 30 freaking miles eyeballing that mess. When I pulled up to the security gate at work - I was about as green as the crap on my windshield. I tottered into my building, feeling sick - and sat down for awhile. I tried to convince my coworker to go clean it for me, I even offered to buy him lunch (cause I sure wasn't going to feel hungry later), but I guess chivalry is dead. He did thank me for the laugh though. I grabbed a razor blade, and went back out to my car. I had to SCRAPE that shit off, and it did come off - in little flakes that stuck to the razor. So I ditched the whole mess in the trash, and went and soaked my hand in lysol.... What a nasty way to start the day. Now the snot is gone, but there's a really really clean arc on my windshield - and my imagination is really vivid, so the whole way home, I kept seeing the arc and remembering what USED to be there.

I think I'll leave at the same time tomorrow, and WAIT for that work truck to happen along. When it does - I'm going to get in front of it and fling DOG SHIT on it. We've got plenty of it in the back yard!! I'm thinking I could soak some in water overnight, get it good and mushy. Maybe throw some kernals of corn in it for appearance and really get this truck....

What do you think my chances are that I can find this truck!! I'm feeling really kind of vengeful right now!!
 
posted by Norman at 7:25 PM | Permalink |


19 Comments:


  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 6:22:00 AM, Blogger A taste that's bitter

    eww eww eww. I so would have yacked.

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 7:03:00 AM, Blogger patti_cake

    OMG Norm I would have hurled no question about it. I am wiping tears away about the dog shit ...

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 7:30:00 AM, Blogger Sandra

    Eeeewwww! Poor you! I think dog shit is too good for them.

    Sandra

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 7:54:00 AM, Blogger pack of 2

    NASTY!!!!

    Angie

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 11:03:00 AM, Blogger pack of 2

    OMG NORM!!!!

    I wish you lived closer because I would help you find that truck! That is so GROSS!!!

    I'm so sorry that your day started that way!

    Shelly

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 11:05:00 AM, Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker

    EWWWWW!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness. I too have a weak stomach. My stomach is so weak that I am scared to have kids because I know the kids will puke around me at some point in their lives. I was so freaked out by your rotovirus post. How do you manage to deal with stuff like that? Any advice?

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 12:03:00 PM, Blogger Tammy

    So, was it snot or vomit? Either way. Eck. Gross. Nasty. Ooey.

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 12:26:00 PM, Blogger Greg

    ROFLMAO!!! Sorry to laugh Norman but that really was funny.

    Peace

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 4:57:00 PM, Blogger Cacti to Cornfields

    that is SO NASTY! i also have a weak stomach for stuff like that. have you also ever accidentally slipped in a parking lot due to a mammoth loogie glistening in the summer sun? i have!!!! totally gross, dude. and, in terms of the wheelbarrow... your worries are not unwarranted! i had a friend a couple years back who was driving at the wee hours of dawn with her boyfriend to go hot-air ballooning. they were driving on the AZ freeway when all of the sudden, a wheelbarrow comes launching out of the pickup truck in front of them. thankfully, my friend's boyfriend had ninja-like reaction skills and quickly maneuvered out of the way (and thankfully there was no traffic.) otherwise, i can't imagine what the impact a 75+ mph wheelbarrow would have done to them-- they probably would not have survived. scary (and gross!!) stuff, indeed!

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 6:48:00 PM, Blogger Freak Magnet

    The only time I thought I was going to have to pull over is when they were describing what shrimping is over the radio.

    I still think back to that when I know I have to vomit but can't. Works like a charm every time.

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 7:56:00 PM, Blogger Norman

    Mean Coffee - The ewwwww factor was prolly double for you since you're pregnant... I can't believe you read it!! LOL

    Patticake - I was wiping tears this morning trying to mix the shit up...

    Sandra - got any ideas for anything better?? Cause I totally bombed on the dog shit thing

    Angie - YEAH!! It was!

    Shelly - you ought to fly down and help me find the truck!! I'm just sayin...

    Wide Lawns - only advice I can pass on is the one you've already heard before - but dammit!! it's true! "It's different when they're yours." I've been puked on, and all I've done is go: "Oh my. You don't feel well, do you sweetie..." It's different. I promise

    Tammy - it was snotty snot! Blech!

    Greg - so glad you were amused.. I wasn't... BLAAAAH!!!

    Cacti - they're lucky they weren't hit by an illegal flying out the back either!! and yes.. I've seen shiny loogies in the parking lot. Why do guys have to hark back and spit all the time..? So freaking nasty

    Freak - Is shrimping anything like felchering? Cause that IS nasty....

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 9:17:00 PM, Blogger overactive-imagination

    Sorry Norman but I also laughed my ass off. It's totally gross and I'm sure I would have hurled but your account of it was hilarious.

    Oh and now I MUST know what shrimping and felchering are.

    Dawn

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 9:20:00 PM, Blogger NaughtyVoyeur

    That's hilarious. But now I'm NEVER leaving my home again!!

     
  • At Wednesday, April 26, 2006 10:25:00 PM, Blogger Aric Blue

    Come on, it's just a lew-gee! Gross is when you run over a squirrel as it darts across the road, and you hear it's head pop as you run over it, and then see its twitching body in your rearview mirror!

     
  • At Thursday, April 27, 2006 6:40:00 AM, Blogger HotDudi

    Gross...gross...urgh!!! I actually heaved at least twice while reading ur post!!

    I hope u do find that truck...& when u do fling that sh*t make sure its hard & crusty on the outside...but soft & squishy in the middle!

     
  • At Thursday, April 27, 2006 7:15:00 PM, Blogger Freak Magnet

    Toasted doodie?

    Yes, Norman, that's exactly what it is. Although I had to search for felchering. It wasn't in wikipedia.

     
  • At Thursday, April 27, 2006 7:18:00 PM, Blogger Freak Magnet

    Never mind. Found it in wikipedia. I couldn't read past "usually white although it can be brown because".

    Going to go vomit now.

    Several times.

     
  • At Thursday, April 27, 2006 8:52:00 PM, Blogger Norman

    Dawn - Shrimping & Felchering?? You really really DON'T want to know!! LOL

    NaughtyVoyeur - Don't be skeered!! LOL

    Aric Blue - EWWWWWWWWWWW !! I hit a possum with my car once.. does that count?

    Hotdudi - YOU heaved twice?? I had to stare at it for 45 minutes! I had to ditch the shit idea.... LOL but I sure was tempted!

    Freak - That's in Wikipedia??!! I looked it up in the Urban Dictionary!! You really need to visit that site!!

     
  • At Friday, April 28, 2006 12:12:00 AM, Blogger Dari

    I wished you had lived closed Norm then I would had removed that stuff for that lunch offer.loool

     
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