I know most of you have been reading me for a while. I know most of you probably leave this blogsite going: "What a dumbass" and then come back to make sure that your original impression of me and my bumblings is spot-on. Some of you are new to my blog and are speeding thru my archives to catch up ( I know this because I see my site meter ), and then some of you have just stumbled onto my blog and periodically come back just to read my nonsense.



Which brings me to my point. I don't know what my point is, but let me tell you the stupid ass thing I did today. Mind you...I don't know HOW I managed to do this, but I did it.



I went to the bathroom today at work, (yes.. some of you are already screaming "TMI!!" but this is a crucial issue), did my 'bidness and started heading back to my desk. Now, I noticed that "something" in the ...ahem...private areas of my being were slightly uncomfy, but a bit of scootching in my seat seemed to ease the problem. Besides, I was on the phone with some idiot poor soul who had inadvertantly driven their vehicle up onto some landscaping rocks, and the important matter at hand was how to maneuver the vehicle OFF the rock without taking out the rest of the undercarriage. Yes - this person admitted to me that alcohol WAS factor....as was the prostitute that had been "working" while he was driving. So while I was listening to the man beg me not to let his wife know the full details of said accident, you can understand why my small issue of uncomfy undies came second fiddle.



After I finally got off the phone with the man, I leapt up to tell my coworkers about this accident, because truthfully..when you call in to report a claim to your insurance company??? If it's stupid accident??? We ALL laugh at your dumbass.



But I digress.



So I jumped up - like I said, and we all had a good laugh, then I sat down, and leapt right back up. Something had HURT me DOWN THERE. And not a good hurt either. I gingerly sat back down and got right back up. Mudderfudder hurt a lot. Logging out on my phone, I headed back to the bathroom. Pulled down my pants and took a look-see.



Know what? APPARENTLY, some how...and I'm not quite sure HOW this occurred....but SOMEHOW, my earring had fallen off and lodged itself in my pretty lil' undies. And was poking the ouch-shit out of me.



Norman's Day: Score one for pretty much the same old same old of stupid human tricks performed by me.

I've been known to do some pretty corny things in my life, but this just MIGHT top the corniest!!



But, I figured - what the hell...let's give this a whirl! Last year, in Amarillo, some of my more snooty neighbors were doing the "You've been Jingled" thing. Nobody jingled my house. I felt so unjingled. Basically, the "rules" for Jingling can be found here. The only way I found out that Jingling had been occurring in my old neighborhood is when I found a crumpled up torn sign blowing down the street....obviously after it had blown off someone's door from where they had been jingled. I felt so sad that I was never considered "Jingleable".



Let's fast forward to new town, new house. Thinking about what a blast Halloween had been in this neighborhood, I decided to start up the Jingling on my own.



I bought two cutsie wootsie little snowmen and made up the signs and envelopes, tucked everything into a Christmassy bag and popped my Jingle gifts on two unsuspecting neighbors doorsteps. Ashton helped me select the houses of the people we jingled. Neither of us know these people. All we know is they live in our neighborhood. The strategy we had for picking these houses was because we drive by them on the way home, and we'll be able to see if they hang their Jingle Signs.



I think Ashy is getting more giggles out of this than me! She's looking forward to seeing how many people jingle each other!

**I actually wrote this post last night, after we had dropped off the packages. This morning, I noticed that the first house we jingled already had their sign up, but the SECOND house still has the package out on the doorstep. Now I'm rethinking this. I'm bringing up a bunch of what ifs. WHAT IF the homeowner freaks out to an unexpected package and calls the BOMB SQUAD about this present we left on their doorstep!! HOLY SHIT! I'M GOIN' TO THE POKEY!

Should I go retrieve this stupid jingle gift ???

I was reading my November blog to see how this year's Thanksgiving stacked up against last year's T-giving when I ran across this particular post. Realizing that I will probably NEVER top this post, I decided to do the lazy thing, and just recycle this post in honor of last year. It really was the most fun I ever had shopping.

Hope everyone had a great Turkey Day!!!




Every year, I have made it a POINT to avoid the much-hyped "Black Friday". I refuse to drag my lazy ass out of bed at 4:00am and shiver outside of a friggin' STORE just to get the best deals. I have made it a POINT to not have to battle the ad-waving people scrambling through the newspaper flyers, plotting out my next shopping hit while I wait for 2 hours in the cold. It's a POINT. A point about what - I'm not too sure, but it's a point. My sister, however, raises no points and decided to drag me on her shopping excursion.

The phone calls began at 3:30am,

Friday*ring*me: "h'lo?"
evil sister: "Wake up!! We gotta go!!!"
me: *click*

3:45am*ring*
me: "h'lo?"
evil sister: "WAKE UP!!! I'M COMING OVER"
me: *click*

4:00am*ring*
me: "go fuck yourself"
Mom: "that's nice"
me: "oh .... oops!!! "
Mom: (clearly miffed) "Your sister would like to go shopping"
me: "tell her to go fuck herself"
Mom: *click*

4:05am*ring*
me: "mom?"
evil sister: (taunting me) "Mom's really mad at you!! hahaha!! I'm the better daughter!!"
me: "click"
evil sister: "you didn't hang up. You just SAID click"
me: "it was a hint"
me: *click*

4:30am*ring*
me: "You're going to wake the kids up beeeeyotch!!"
Dad: "Your mother said your language was terrible."
me: "awwww SHIT!"
dad: "Young lady. we did not raise you to talk like that..."
Me: "You also didn't raise me to wake up at ungodly hours to go spend my freaking MONEY!!"
Me: *click* .... WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM (<--- that's me whamming the phone down repeatedly)

4:45am*ring*
me: "I'm taking the phone off the hook now"
evil sister: "No!! Wai------"
****sound of the phone being laid off the hook****

So then I slept in until 5:30am. At which point Avery decided it was a FANTASTIC time to watch 'toons. And she woke up the other two hooligans. I hung out with them for a while and drank coffee and pondered the idea of beginning my shopping. I mean.... every other year - my hubs and I have dropped the kids off with my mom and done a Shopping Blitz, finishing all of our gift-buying in one day. But then I remembered that MY HUSBAND DOES NOT LIVE HERE ANYMORE. So maybe it WOULD be a good idea to take advantage of the fact that I have people willing to watch my children (oh - and yeah, my husband was here this weekend for T-Giving) while I do my shopping.

I called my evil sister about 9:00am. And begged her forgiveness for my earlier rudeness. She was kind of miffed at me since she missed out on the "early bird" specials, but we agreed on a more (civil) time to meet up and we went a-shopping.We started out at Best Buy, where I bought a couple of photo printers, that are normally $150, for $49.95. So I was happy with that - and ready to go home... but my sister really really REALLY wanted to go to Target. And that is where I lost all my money.

I hate Target mainly because I want to buy everything in that store. And Friday - I actually TRIED to buy everything in that store. Whatever I didn't buy - my sister did. We quite literally filled up my car until nothing else would fit in it. We left my house at 10:00am, and I didn't get back home until 8:00pm. I distinctly remember telling my husband that I would be back at the house by 12:00. Apparently, I didn't specify 12:00am or 12:00pm, and his mistake was in not asking me to clarify. Either way - I wasn't in too much trouble. And he hasn't checked the bank account lately because I'm still alive. But the majority of our shopping is DONE!! But I digress!!

We spent the majority of our day at Target. I think around 3:00pm, I realized I was seriously broke, but was unwilling to call it a day. I kept eyeballing the contents of my cart and pulling things out, calculating, recalculating, and then shoving everything back in going "To hell with it!! This is CHRISTMAS!!"

I was hanging out by the vacuum cleaners, eyeballing the Dyson's. Particularly the Purple one called the "Animal" (Spicy Cracker told me the Animal is wonderful!!), when I found it.

Know what I found? I found one of the Target Employees little walkie-talkies. I have never had so much friggin' fun in my life!!!! I picked it up, and turned it on. Pushed the little button, and began talking as if I was a Target Employee:

ME: "Hey Guys!! The boss says that if we get our areas zoned, we can leave EARLY!!"

The channel went silent for a minute, and then chatter picked up on the radio.

TARGET People: "FOR REALS??"

Me: "Nah - I'm just jacking with you"

TARGET People: "It's not funny. Give me a price check..."

Me: "Price check? Sure! Go ahead"

TARGET People: "How much are the TrueTech Digital Photo Frames"

Me: "Damned if I know. Why don't you just give it to them for $25?"

TARGET People: ".....$25? They're like... usually $110...."

Me: "Well.. the price today is $25"

TARGET People: "Who is this?"

Me: "I'm a customer. I found the radio, but I'm coming over to get my digital photo frame for $25"

TARGET People: "You're a guest and you have a radio? "

Me: "Yeah. I found it. This is pretty cool"

TARGET People: "Well, could you please bring the radio to guest services?"

Me: "No I don't think I want to"

TARGET People: "Well, you have to."

Me: "Hey. Finders keepers and all that... can I have a photo frame for $25?"

TARGET People: "Where are you?"

Me: "I'm over in housewares right now, but I'm walking really really fast, cause now I have to move"

TARGET People: "You know security can see you from their little bubble cameras"

Me: "Okay... I'll give you your radio... but can I have a photo frame for $25?

Target person tapping me on the back.... "No, but thank you for finding our radio..."

Me: "damn"

Then my sister made us leave.

But that's what she gets for making me go shopping the day after Thanksgiving.

Well. THAT title ought to earn me some unexpected blog traffic. But yeah - let's talk about TIT.

I h8 when ppl TIT me. Don't TIT me. I dnt wnt 2 hear it. If u hv smthng 2 say - dnt TIT me.

Did you get that??

One of my coworkers is in her early 20's. She has this annoying habit of "Talking in Text" to me (TIT)

Example:

Me: Hey Ally! How's your day going so far!?

Her: OMG! This person just yelled at me! I wanted to tell him so bad to STFU!! LOL!!

Me: OMG?

Her: Ya!! ROFLMAO. Don't you know what OMG is?

Me: Yes. I just don't expect people to say it for real

Her: Oh ya! It's easier for me to just talk like I text sometimes

Me: STFU and GAL

Her: GAL?

Me: GET A LIFE

So now she's pissed at me. But honestly, don't TIT me. I h8 it

i had an entirely different post for tonight. Actually - I had an entirely different post the last couple of days that I just haven't gotten around to writing. It's all in my head right now, so as soon as I get thru this new crisis, I'll post it.

But let me tell you how my day went today.

It started at 4:30am courtesy of The Ethanator standing by our bed. I heard a noise and looked up. I saw his outline next to the bed and I asked him what was up. "Look! " he announced cheerily "It's OLIVIA!" as Olivia pranced across our bed. "I see Olivia, but why are YOU up?" I groggily questioned. "Because my tummy hurts." Now that he'd remembered why he was in our room, his demeanor changed from excited to see the cat to sick and pathetic. "Oh no!! Are you going to throw up?" "No, it's just my tummy hurts and I'm really hungry."

So rather than get up and cook him breakfast at 4:30am, I convinced him to stay in our bed and lay quietly. He did this, but then when the alarm rang for us to get up, he still said his stomach hurt and it was because he was hungry. So we fed him breakfast and sent him to school. I made it about 3 steps into my office building when I got a call from the school nurse telling me that Ethan was in her office.

The nurse said that he was nauseous. Now see, earlier my husband & I had just decided that the child was constipated because he kept sitting on the pot while getting ready for school. So we let the nurse know that he just had to crap and he'd be fine. She sent him back to class. 10 minutes later he was back in the office because he had proceeded to ralph all over his classmate.

oops. Mommy Moment of the Year award goes to ME.

I got through the rest of the day at work because my mother graciously offered to take care of him. I have the next two days off so this should be no problem....right?

I was driving home tonight, and stopped at our mailbox. Turned my car off, got the mail from the community box, and started my car. Or at least...I tried to start my car.

Won't start.

So imagine this: Me in heels trying to push my car the last block home.

Didn't happen.

Some nice man helped me get my car up to my street at which point my husband meandered out to assist me in trying to get the car up the steep incline which is what our driveway amounts to.

I almost ran him over when the car started rolling backward.

oops again

So now I'm stuck at home with a child who is doing his best imitation of the excorcist, no working car, and no idea how I'm going to get it repaired. I hate it when cars break down this close to the holidays!

The bad news is I think it's the starter which is never a cheap fix. GrreeeaAAAaaAAAAAtttt

I've got a gripe.

It's not a major gripe, but it's awfully annoying for me. And because you are reading this blog I'm going to assume you wanna hear it, so here it is:

Stop with the stupid ringtone on your cell phones.

Ok Guys. I know it can't POSSIBLY be ya'll doing this to me. But really, if any of you twerps are stumbling across this post, please listen: IT IS NOT COOL TO FORCE ME TO LISTEN TO YOUR CHOICE IN MUSIC.

Now I'm not talking about the ring tones you get when your phone rings. I can handle that because the minute your phones answer, you're hopping around and answering it before the first few sounds are out. I can handle the rings.

What I don't like is when I am FORCED to listen to the sound of your music when I'm attempting to call your phone. You know...instead of the electronic sound of the phone ringing in your ear, it's the sound of YOUR preference in music, or what some people classify as music?

I do not like rap. Never have...never will. I will admit I'm an old fuddy-duddy when it comes to this, and but I HAAAAAAAAAAATE it! So when I'm making phone calls in the middle of the day to people that have insurance issues..the last thing I want to hear screaming into my ear is this: