my husband's grandmother is here at our house for the next two weeks....


need i elaborate?

Oh yeah. For sure I'm heading to the pokey. All thanks to this little gadget here:

This would be Avery's Christmas present from Santa Claus. Santa thought it would be really fun to see the things that catch the interest of a terroristic three year old. Silly Santa.

See, when Avery opened her gift, there was much jealousy abounding from Ethan and my 4 year old nephew, Michael. They thought the idea of your very own personal camera sounded pretty nifty. So all the kiddos were rumbling around the house taking pictures of anything & everything. No big deal so far. They maxed out the cameras picture storage capability, we deleted all the pictures they had taken so far, (because mostly they took pictures of the toilet) and let them run around with it again.

After awhile, the newness of the camera wore off, and it was set aside for a bit. Then Avery & Ethan rediscovered it and the picture taking extravaganza began. First, Avery paddled downstairs and took the requisite pictures of mommy & daddy. Then quite a few of the cats. After a bit, Ethan enticed her upstairs, and they played quite nicely for the next hour. Or so we thought.

Avery brought us her camera, and told us it was no longer taking pictures. Realizing the memory card was full, I had my hubby download the pictures to the computer. And then the REAL show began. The first few shots were the ones Avery had taken earlier downstairs. Then the shots took a slightly more sinister approach.

After the cute shots of mommy & daddy smiling and waving at their darling child, and after the shots of cat tails (cause the cats run away from flashing objects), we saw.... a butt.

Then we saw another butt. Nekkid of course. After that? A butt, then another. And another. Then came the full frontal monty shots. Of both Avery AND Ethan.

This is unacceptable. We do not live in Arkansas! I didn't raise them to do this! And I promise they are not acting on things they've seen before *gulp* really.

After viewing this, I scrambled to get my husband and make him erase the hard drive. Then I made sure there was NO!WAY! these files would EVER be found during some FBI raid (and why they would be raiding my house, I have no clue but then I'm paranoid like that)

Then we had the discussion about what is appropriate to photograph and what is not. Then the camera went into "Time Out".

So now you know. My kids are practicing for a career in porn. I'm so ashamed.

Hey! Wanna hear the sound of $2,000????!!!! If you were in Las Vegas, I'm sure most of you would be going: "CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!"

But here at Norman's house it goes: "PHHSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LOSER LOSER LOSER!!!!!"

So let me explain. My husband, bless his misguided little heart, decided to do me a solid and install a shelf in my laundry room slash pantry. I really did need this shelf, so I granted him the opportunity to use power tools in my domain.

The man busted out all his toolnesses, and started searching for studs (in the wall. I know some of you have gutter minds. Stay with me). AnyHOO. We have metal studs. He managed to locate all of them, and marked each spot where the drilling needed to occur. Then he began. The first two spots went beautifully. The very last? Not so much.

"PHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS......." "SHHHHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!" yelled my husband. "PPPPPPHHHHHHSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" "SHIT SHIT SHITSHITSHITSHIT!!!!!!!!!"

"Problems?" I questioned, wondering why my head felt curiously balloony. "IT'S THE COMPRESSION LINE FOR THE AC!!! SHHHHHHITTTTTTTT!!!!"

"What's that sound?" Strange. For some reason I was unable to grasp the severity of the problem.

"IT'S FREON! HOLD YOUR BREATH!"

"But you have your nose right up to the air stream. I feel great and happy. How about you?"

"SHIIIIITT!!"

So while the freon from the compression line streamed merrily into the house, I calmly gathered the kids, sent them upstairs (cuz it was too cold to send them outside, and my clouded reasoning was that the freon was heavier than the air and would stay downstairs. I hope I was right.) and set about opening all the windows in the house.

Then I called an airconditioning person. Who scalped us with his arrival because it was Sunday and we had to pay the emergency fees.

Then they delivered the bad news: The entire compression line must be replaced. Ouch. OK. Please fix it (I was still high on freon). Then the shocker. We must recharge all the freon. To the tune of $60/pound. Our unit requires 30 pounds.

Oweee.

So to replace the freon alone, will be $1770. Not to mention the cost of replacing the compression line. Haven't gotten the quote back on THAT yet. I'm still reeling from the cost of the freon. And the high.

I've been working overtime at work now to help defray some of the expense, which should explain my absence from the blog.

I'm sure you guys understand. Anybody want to donate to a worthy cause? If not, I'm sure I can send my husband to your house to install any shelving you need. Any takers???

These kids are going to be the death of me. So after posting that Avery has pneumonia yesterday, and AFTER the child spiked a 105.2 temp, she is now gleefully running around the house, doing much better...thankyouverymuch. I now have 5 more gray hairs on my head.

She still has pneumonia, she just doesn't know it.

Anyway. Since she's doing better, I can post. Which brings me to today.

The man is still pissing off his porch.

Once was funny. Twice was weird. Three times is DISTURBING. It's disturbing because I want SO BAD to leap out into his driveway and yell "ah...HA!", But just can't work up the balls to do it yet. It would be awesome to see the man jump mid-stream. And don't tell me to let him be. If you live next door to me, and you do weird shit like this, I'm gonna exploit it.

But I told my man about this activity. He's incensed. Seems he's quite jealous that the next door neighbor can pee in the front yard, but HE has to do it in the backyard.

.....
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What?

What IS it with men and this all consuming need to piss outdoors? Are ya'll marking your territory? Really?

This just reinforces my belief that all men are nasty creatures, and therefore must be treated as such. Except for my daddy of course. He pees inside the house (so far as I know).

Because then the Mountain Cedar allergens would go away and leave my family alone.

I finished my pack of steroids (*sob*) and am now dealing with the horrible head pressure again.

and the worst of it is now Avery is sick. And not just sick -- she's developed pneumonia.

So if I don't get on for awhile, at least you know why.

Norman!

Hey.

Last night, I was just like..standing in my driveway and listening to my neighbor's house because they are out of town, and there is a very faint sound coming from their house. It sounds like there is a smoke alarm sounding off in there. So I was trying to look into their house without actually looking like I was looking into their house, because we're not entirely sure they are out of town. You with me so far? Ok. Cool.

So anyway, while I was standing there, the neighbor that lives on the other side of me ventured out onto his porch. Here's the scene:

1. We never talk to them. They are strange. They are the neighbors that love Asian Karaoke.
2. There is a very large shrub line that separates our property from theirs.
3. They never visit with the rest of the neighbors. They keep very much to themselves.
4. It was dark outside
5. The neighbor did not know I was standing outside because of the darkness and the shrub line
6. This must be why he started pissing off the side of his porch
7. I really couldn't control the giggles
8. Then when I snickered just a little loud, it caused "streamus interruptus" after which he kept trying to let it out quieter and quieter
9. I finally lost it all together when he zipped up and went back inside

I think I now know why the former homeowners put up such a very large shrub line.